Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 34 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
412 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
From a poster on website that is not cool: VERY VERY insightful.

SO – after MM indicated that our A was more complicated than he was ready to deal with, I sat back and licked my wounds, and took it all in.

I realized what everyone here has been chiding me for was essentially correct. I was wanting an exit-affair -- a soft place to land when and if I chose to have it out with the H. I was also mulling over all the highs and lows of both As in the past 20 or so months. What did I 'get' from those R's? What didn't I get? What was I 'missing' (really?) in my marriage?

As fate, timing, or the cycle of the moon would have it, last night it all came to a head. I was preparing for work and my H 'confronted' me with a small slip of worn paper, with Bill on it. That's all. And it wasn't even my writing. Yell At first I was flabbergasted, he claimed the paper was on the floor after I had left for work the previous night. That it hadn't been there before "So you must have dropped it" ….

It was a desperate accusation from a desperate man, and I couldn't take it any longer. Quite honestly, like most of you, living a shadow life is exhausting.

Rather than even try to defend against something indefensible (Honest to god, NO idea where that 'slip' came from or what it meant, it could have been a label (bill) from my adult kids, they track in and out of the house all the time, but whatever) ….

I said, "We need to separate". And I was prepared to back it up. I just feel devoid, empty, not sure what is happening in my marriage. However, my H, was not prepared, and does not want, to separate, divorce, or part ways. He wants to know that I love him. He wants to understand where I am, what I'm doing, and why I don't include him in life anymore. I had to go to work (lousy timing to start such a huge fight) and we ended up texting half the night. It actually helped, texting, because when you do that, you can't really yell, or see tears, or feel cornered. Anyway … we got some things 'out'. So tonight, we're going out. We're dressing up, and I told him we're going to role-play that we just met. I'm going to talk to him like I talked to MM when we met. I'm going to show him the side of me I've only re-discovered, and I'm going to make him look at himself, and have to present himself to ME like I don't know thing one about him.

YES we're carrying a ****load of emotional baggage, so it's not going to be all candlelight and roses. I think this is going to be hard, hard, hard. NO, hell NO, I won't ever admit to having an A.
It's a last ditch effort, honestly. Because if we can't 'rekindle' excitement (or maybe it's just ME) about being with each other, if he can't 'light my fire' and we can't have a satisfying sex life, then this really will be the beginning of the end of our marriage, and I'll be working out how to move on with my life without devastating him.
Thanks to all of you who are here and support my 'ups and downs'.
I want to be able to love my husband again. We'll find out in the days / weeks to come if we really can love each other, again.
Spouse came home in tears, he's been upset all day at work. God Help Me I must be an evil woman because I burst out laughing! What an inappropriate reaction! But I couldn't help myself, I just thought it was so over-the-top and melodramatic (and *I* am supposed to be the drama queen? Right.)

Dammit, he has a mountain of suspicion that I've been 'fooling around' but nothing specific. Just things like, new lingerie that he never sees me wear, new heels, etc. etc. Guess he's been rummaging through my things when I'm at work. SO I am promising that we are going to do more things together, I won't be off on my own (as much) – all things I plan to make happen. No date after all, as he's too much of a mess to be out in public. This is going to be a long, hard path.

That and MM is sending me messages, still. Just along the 'glad we're going to be friends, I would like to spend time with you'… when we both know that's not going to happen. OH well.

Thanks …
For those who need a score card (I know I Do) ..
Nothing is going to change overnight with H and I. I am re-focusing my energies into being FULLY PRESENT, because going through the motions, per se, isn't any kind of effort on my part. As much as it sounds like that's not really being accurate, I really can focus and just *be* with my spouse, enjoy our time for what it is. I'm still just not sure what it 'is'.

I have heard from my BFF, my co-worker (who knows about my activities) and from all of you here that I am looking for something (validation/a sense of love/worthiness) from my APs, and I need to find it within. This is true. At this stage in my life though, I seem to be missing the ability to do that. Years and YEARS and years of therapy haven't helped.

Also, to clarify my earlier post – when H came home in tears, I didn't laugh *AT* him; rather, I burst into laughter (just for a moment, before collecting myself) and then promptly tried to calm/reassure him.

If anyone has seen the movie 'The Holiday' with Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jude Law, you'll recall a scene at the end where Cameron Diaz has left, and then runs back to the cottage … when Jude Law opens the door, you see him crying, with the saddest pathetic face, but it's funny too. That's the look my H had, and I know my laughter was inappropriate (read what I wrote earlier) …

FOR the record, I know laughing at anyone crying is mean, and not something I am prone to do. I actually love my H for his ability to openly show his emotions, but at this point, I did feel that he had 'overdone' it.

So I am trying to put my M in perspective and spend more time with H. MM and I will continue to meet up, as friends who can 'scratch that itch' that our spouses can't/aren't willing to. I e-mail with exMM without any face-to-face contact, and as much as I love him, find myself pulling back more and more. That R has no real purpose, except to remind me I was too hasty in getting married.
I will also continue to improve my employment situation, until I'm making the kind of $$ I need to support myself without hardship.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,564 Posts
Sounds like the POV from your typical cheating, selfish WS, who's still in a fog, while in the middle of a false R while cake-eating.

Also sounds like her BS is making all the wrong moves.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,882 Posts
I believe that if I had been laughed at when I broke down someone would have been out on their ass.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,628 Posts
Actually it sounds very much like Ever_Man's thread.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,301 Posts
Sounds like the POV from your typical cheating, selfish WS, who's still in a fog, while in the middle of a false R while cake-eating.

Also sounds like her BS is making all the wrong moves.
Any woman that would laugh at the trauma she is putting her husband through is quite a bit more than just a cake eating, selfish WS.

This is pure narcissism at it's highest level.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,715 Posts
Yeah this was the post where one scumbag cheater said men crying was funny to her. I hope she rots in hell.
Posted via Mobile Device
What's worse in my book - this cow did admit it was "inappropriate to laugh" but what got me sooo mad was the amount of support she got from the other twits.

"yeah, its funny, I would have laughed too!"

" a man crying? pathetic!"

etc (I'm paraphrasing but that's the gist)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,882 Posts
What's worse in my book - this cow did admit it was "inappropriate to laugh" but what got me sooo mad was the amount of support she got from the other twits.

"yeah, its funny, I would have laughed too!"

" a man crying? pathetic!"

etc (I'm paraphrasing but that's the gist)
Would she have preferred an angry violent man over the weeping one? I think not.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,715 Posts
I noticed too that all the "support wh0res" had these "sexsay" avatars. Judging by the number of OM that drop them, pull away, come back for "itch duty", I have a sneaking suspicion that an avatar of a California raisin would be more realistic. (maybe a California prune).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,394 Posts
What's worse in my book - this cow did admit it was "inappropriate to laugh" but what got me sooo mad was the amount of support she got from the other twits.

"yeah, its funny, I would have laughed too!"

" a man crying? pathetic!"

etc (I'm paraphrasing but that's the gist)
Certainly not a lot of compassion, empathy or understanding for what the betrayed spouse is going through.

Narcissistic people involved in group think are capable of some amazing cruelty.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,625 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,509 Posts
I hope all you BS out there, don't bite. This is meant to rile you all up, not really sure why she's posting here in the first place, it's almost like she's taken every cliched WS connivance and is throwing it in everyone's face.

For any BS currently dealing with their own fall outs this would be an insight into a truly unrepentant WS. Terrible
 
1 - 20 of 34 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top