Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 38 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
126 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
So...I have been on and off this forum for a few years, and mostly posted and read about the issue my marriage faces, of very different levels of desire. Seems common issue...there are hundreds of threads about it on this forum. Over the years, I have come to understand that not only does my wife have a much lower sex drive (lower desire partner), but also that he desire is very much "reactive" desire, much more so that spontaneous desire (tons of info available about this.....assume most of the thread readers know the concept).

So if we take the actual sex acts out of the conversation for a minute, how do you other higher desire partners, who have "reactive desire" mates, deal with the lack of sexual expression outside of the act? In my case, I do get the actual act of sex, and at least most of the time, once we get going, she gets fairly into it (the reactive desire kicks in), but outside of being in the middle of sex, there is almost ZERO sexual expression. Having now learned how to navigate in the relationship for the sex itself to work, I still feel very alone, in the fact that there is no sexual banter, no expression from her at all about anything sexual outside of when we are doing it? I would LOVE to be able to share something that had turned me on during the day, or something I think is sexy, or a hot dream, or hear anything from her about her sexual thoughts/interests, but it seems it is never thoughts that cross her mind, unless she is in the middle of getting laid.

It feels lonely...she is "technically" the only person I could share this stuff with.

For those of you higher desire partners, does this cause you as much issue as me? I feel that a huge part of sex is what happens outside the bedroom, adn what is going on between the ears, and not being able to share that really sucks....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
642 Posts
My wife is reactionary, and not very initiating...I combat that by acting in my own self interests. After a few days, she starts to do the small things like with my ears, and small touches that indicate interest. But that has come from a frank discussion about being desired and just doing it for the sake of it.... You need to have discussions and be frank. I put my wife in a uncomfortable position for her. And it is my responsibility to "notice" and react to these stimuli if you will.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
126 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
My wife is reactionary, and not very initiating...I combat that by acting in my own self interests. After a few days, she starts to do the small things like with my ears, and small touches that indicate interest. But that has come from a frank discussion about being desired and just doing it for the sake of it.... You need to have discussions and be frank. I put my wife in a uncomfortable position for her. And it is my responsibility to "notice" and react to these stimuli if you will.
Sure. I get that, and as far as the sex itself, I have followed a similar routine, but that still leaves a lot to be desired in the way of having a true "partner". My wife and I do have sex, and somewhat frequently, but outside of the sex itself, there is ZERO mention of it. I have no outlet to be creative with, share about my sexuality, talk about and explore ideas, talk about turn on's, etc. It is almost like sex switch turns on for her, when she is having sex, then off at all other times. This is a struggle for me, as a person who needs sex to be much more than the physical act itself, and part of the overall relationship. I want to have conversation over a glass of wine about sexual fantasies, and talk about something fun we can try next time in bed, and hear her share thoughts, but no.....its not like that, and it leaves me really empty sexually. It almost seems to make the sex we do have, somewhat mechanical. I can understand logically, that she does not desire it much until it is happening, but emotionally its is kind of a ****ty thing to live with.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
642 Posts
I get ya! I told my wife that if she ever starts the "planking" thing....Were done!
Planking= when the spouse lays flat as a board and turns head to the side as to not get other's breath on them....

Mine is getting creative and I have to be supportive. She would be crushed if I made fun of or called her out when the effort was made.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,237 Posts
So I'm curious -- IF you start talking with your wife about sex, or just make a sexy comment, or sex dream, etc., -- what does she say? You know just talking about it doesn't necessarily lead to sex and maybe she thinks that if she DOES respond that you will want that when SHE isn't in the mood?

So, since she is reactive, do you know a lot of different ways to get her to "react"?? If not, find more ways to do that and you may find that she DOES respond more often. Is it more work for YOU? Yes, but it may work out in your marriage to do that.

Does she show you any affection OUTSIDE of sex -- hold your hand, touch your arm when talking, just get a random hug? If not, maybe YOU should start doing that. Look up the 5 languages of love -- you both may just have different ways of expressing your feelings and you are at cross purposes. Maybe you BOTH should read it and discuss....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
126 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
So I'm curious -- IF you start talking with your wife about sex, or just make a sexy comment, or sex dream, etc., -- what does she say? You know just talking about it doesn't necessarily lead to sex and maybe she thinks that if she DOES respond that you will want that when SHE isn't in the mood?

So, since she is reactive, do you know a lot of different ways to get her to "react"?? If not, find more ways to do that and you may find that she DOES respond more often. Is it more work for YOU? Yes, but it may work out in your marriage to do that.

Does she show you any affection OUTSIDE of sex -- hold your hand, touch your arm when talking, just get a random hug? If not, maybe YOU should start doing that. Look up the 5 languages of love -- you both may just have different ways of expressing your feelings and you are at cross purposes. Maybe you BOTH should read it and discuss....
If I bring things up about sex, she listens and may make a non-judgmental comment ("that is nice" or something like that) , but she does not ever share anything herself, which is my struggle. Keep in mind, my inquiry is not about actual sex act itself...as we do have sex fairly often, it is just that it stops there. Sex in my marriage is only within the act itself, then shuts off outside the bedroom. We are both affectionate in non-sexual ways, and often. That part of our life is not lacking. We hold hands, hug, non-sexual touch, cuddle, and all types of non-sexual touch, and often.

Really, for me, this boils down to not being able to have an erotic connection with my wife, because for me, that requires connecting sexually in more ways than just the act itself....I miss the build up, the excitement, the craving, and having someone who wants to share reciprocally. I was curious, if that is a struggle for others, and how they cope.

I find I am very drawn to porn, erotic writing, movies with sexual themes, and any other outward display of eroticism, because i see none of that at home.

My wife is just wired this way. I am not upset with her about it, but I do feel a big sense of lacking in my personal satisfaction, and no easy fix (fix meaning...fix for me)

I would LOVE to ever have her tell me one day that she was turned on by something during her day, or suggest something fun she wanted us to try in the future, or some expression of sexual eroticism.

We together, and me on my own, have seen marriage counselors, and I am confident, it is not simply that I want to feel wanted (not saying that not important, but not what I am struggling with), it is more about having a "partner" to share that part of my life with.

I dont know about anyone else, but for me, sex is 90% about what happens between the ears (mental engagement), and only 10% what happens between the legs. Without eroticism outside the bedroom, a lack of build up, the act itself can be a bit mechanical (many times). We both cum, we enjoy being close, but the "energy" in the event is just not really anything to write home about.

BTW...we have read, to together, the 5 love language book, and outside of the sexual topic, we are familiar with each others love language and needs.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,753 Posts
After reading that book, what is the hesitation on her part? To assist you?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,419 Posts
So basically what you miss out on is any sense of anticipation. That's a huge thing. Most will see this thread and think, what's the issue, he's "getting" sex, and she becomes responsive. Much better than many have.

You should explore notions of privacy. How much of what she thinks is she actually sharing with you?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,237 Posts
"If I bring things up about sex, she listens and may make a non-judgmental comment ("that is nice" or something like that) , but she does not ever share anything herself, which is my struggle. "

So, have you asked her DIRECTLY WHY do you not want to talk about sex with me? WHY do you not have any responses or discuss your desires, or let me know that you desire this?

Does she masturbate? Does SHE like the romantic/erotic movies? Does she read romances? I'm wondering if she just doesn't have any sort of active or creative thoughts in that area -- that she just DOESN'T really think about anything like that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
126 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
"If I bring things up about sex, she listens and may make a non-judgmental comment ("that is nice" or something like that) , but she does not ever share anything herself, which is my struggle. "

So, have you asked her DIRECTLY WHY do you not want to talk about sex with me? WHY do you not have any responses or discuss your desires, or let me know that you desire this?

Does she masturbate? Does SHE like the romantic/erotic movies? Does she read romances? I'm wondering if she just doesn't have any sort of active or creative thoughts in that area -- that she just DOESN'T really think about anything like that.
I have asked directly, and she always says that it is fine if I share, and she is always happen to listen, but she says she rarely thinks about sex outside of when it is happening. This is likely very true for her, and not all that uncommon (probably many thread on this site about that).

She masturbates, but rarely. We have always been open about telling each other about our masturbation habits, and she will often go a couple months in between times. She says it is due to the same thing....just not much though about sex during her normal day. Even the rare occasion she does masturbate, half the time it is because sex between us got interrupted (kids come home, or something), and she finishes herself off later. The rare time she does it out of blue is pretty far and few between.

She does not read erotica or romance novels, and she does sometimes get turned on by sex in movies, but does not ever choose to intentionally watch for that purpose. More it just happens to be a sex scene in a movie that grabs her attention.

Your statement that she just doesn't think about anything like that is true. I don't think she is hiding things, I believe she honestly does not think about it, but that still sucks for a high drive partner, and one who really wants that connection. She would be happy to go along with something if I asked, but that defeats the purpose. Fake does not provide anything for me
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
I have asked directly, and she always says that it is fine if I share, and she is always happen to listen, but she says she rarely thinks about sex outside of when it is happening. This is likely very true for her, and not all that uncommon (probably many thread on this site about that).

She masturbates, but rarely. We have always been open about telling each other about our masturbation habits, and she will often go a couple months in between times. She says it is due to the same thing....just not much though about sex during her normal day. Even the rare occasion she does masturbate, half the time it is because sex between us got interrupted (kids come home, or something), and she finishes herself off later. The rare time she does it out of blue is pretty far and few between.

She does not read erotica or romance novels, and she does sometimes get turned on by sex in movies, but does not ever choose to intentionally watch for that purpose. More it just happens to be a sex scene in a movie that grabs her attention.

Your statement that she just doesn't think about anything like that is true. I don't think she is hiding things, I believe she honestly does not think about it, but that still sucks for a high drive partner, and one who really wants that connection. She would be happy to go along with something if I asked, but that defeats the purpose. Fake does not provide anything for me
I have a husband that basically is the same as your wife. We have been together over 10 years and it is something I have found just will never be part of our relationship as it is. With having the higher drive I still find myself desiring and sending those types of messages to him regardless. Sometimes it can make me feel worse when he has nothing to say back. I
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,935 Posts
Almost 29 years as the much higher drive partner here.

Your situation is understandable but definitely not bad.

She loves you, has a lot of sex with you but she just doesn't have her brain wired like yours.

She sounds great honestly.

I could be considered extremely HD and Mrs. Conan is probably a healthy average.

She has come a long way but it has taken time and conversations and sometimes the same conversations along with consistent encouragement and behavior from me.

Your situation is definitely something I can share in my feelings of frustration.

It doesn't make our marriage unhealthy however, it just makes it an area of patience work and compromise.

I masturbate daily, multiple times usually, and have a healthy fantasy life to keep my "animal" in control.

Mrs. Conan has stepped up her game over the years and done her best to meet my needs.

The truth is that she isn't, and never will be, the sexual animal I am.

She works with what she is and has developed and I have done my best to learn what she needs as well.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
126 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
Almost 29 years as the much higher drive partner here.

Your situation is understandable but definitely not bad.

She loves you, has a lot of sex with you but she just doesn't have her brain wired like yours.

She sounds great honestly.

I could be considered extremely HD and Mrs. Conan is probably a healthy average.

She has come a long way but it has taken time and conversations and sometimes the same conversations along with consistent encouragement and behavior from me.

Your situation is definitely something I can share in my feelings of frustration.

It doesn't make our marriage unhealthy however, it just makes it an area of patience work and compromise.

I masturbate daily, multiple times usually, and have a healthy fantasy life to keep my "animal" in control.

Mrs. Conan has stepped up her game over the years and done her best to meet my needs.

The truth is that she isn't, and never will be, the sexual animal I am.

She works with what she is and has developed and I have done my best to learn what she needs as well.
yes.....I know this is the case for me, I just sometimes need a way to vent, and I found the feedback on this forum helps.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
126 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
I have a husband that basically is the same as your wife. We have been together over 10 years and it is something I have found just will never be part of our relationship as it is. With having the higher drive I still find myself desiring and sending those types of messages to him regardless. Sometimes it can make me feel worse when he has nothing to say back. I
I am sorry....I feel for you
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
44 Posts
I would LOVE to ever have her tell me one day that she was turned on by something during her day, or suggest something fun she wanted us to try in the future, or some expression of sexual eroticism.
I am a very reactive sex partner, I’ll be down to go every time its offered and very much so enjoy myself.

BUT I cannot think of anything in the last week that I seen and thought “thats a turn on” . If I’m hot and into it and my partner says “lets try this” yup I’m down - just don’t expect me to preplan anything, things just need to flow.
I did not read all the replies so I’m not sure if this has been suggested or if you have done it. Can you open a dialogue with your wife on needing a sex conversation- even if its just only occasionally?
Can you take her by surprise with some erotica story in a way that she can get excited about it too?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,307 Posts
I have asked directly, and she always says that it is fine if I share, and she is always happen to listen, but she says she rarely thinks about sex outside of when it is happening. This is likely very true for her, and not all that uncommon (probably many thread on this site about that).

She masturbates, but rarely. We have always been open about telling each other about our masturbation habits, and she will often go a couple months in between times. She says it is due to the same thing....just not much though about sex during her normal day. Even the rare occasion she does masturbate, half the time it is because sex between us got interrupted (kids come home, or something), and she finishes herself off later.
You've said you've spoken to her directly, but have you actually said that this lack of mental connection makes you feel lonely and makes the sex less satisfying/intense than it could have been?

Other than that, the above seems to suggest that once she gets turned on she may remain turned on until a later time when she can get some relief. So, have you tried getting her aroused through making out/foreplay and then talking to her when her brain is in sex mode, but before the actual sex? Sort of prolonged foreplay including the mental.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,840 Posts
Some women are averse to crudity. Not saying that's your style; but, innuendo may be more effective. Find out what turns her on between her ears and use that medium to banter with her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
126 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
I am a very reactive sex partner, I’ll be down to go every time its offered and very much so enjoy myself.

BUT I cannot think of anything in the last week that I seen and thought “thats a turn on” . If I’m hot and into it and my partner says “lets try this” yup I’m down - just don’t expect me to preplan anything, things just need to flow.
I did not read all the replies so I’m not sure if this has been suggested or if you have done it. Can you open a dialogue with your wife on needing a sex conversation- even if its just only occasionally?
Can you take her by surprise with some erotica story in a way that she can get excited about it too?
I do sometimes try to "take her by surprise with some erotica story in a way that she can get excited about", and on occasion, that does provide some interesting conversations and sex, but sometimes falls on deaf ears. Seems hit or miss
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
126 Posts
Discussion Starter #20
You've said you've spoken to her directly, but have you actually said that this lack of mental connection makes you feel lonely and makes the sex less satisfying/intense than it could have been?

Other than that, the above seems to suggest that once she gets turned on she may remain turned on until a later time when she can get some relief. So, have you tried getting her aroused through making out/foreplay and then talking to her when her brain is in sex mode, but before the actual sex? Sort of prolonged foreplay including the mental.
Yes, I have tried this, and on occasion it does work out well, but sometimes it spoils the mood :(
 
1 - 20 of 38 Posts
Top