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Who is recommending breadcrumbs rather than filing? Even over in SI, they generally recommend filing right away to put the fear of God into the WS.
Yeah, but they only recommend that as a ploy in the hopes of making the cheater finally and miraculously "come out of that magical fog" and realize they're about to lose their spouse. It's just another 11th hour Hail Mary pass by the desperate.

If your marriage has gotten to the point where you have to 'scare' your spouse into wanting to be with you, just pull the friggen plug already.
 

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Yeah, but they only recommend that as a ploy in the hopes of making the cheater finally and miraculously "come out of that magical fog" and realize they're about to lose their spouse. It's just another 11th hour Hail Mary pass by the desperate.

If your marriage has gotten to the point where you have to 'scare' your spouse into wanting to be with you, just pull the friggen plug already.
From what I've seen and read, the immediate "shock and awe" divorce filers have the best result. They either instantly snap their WS out of the fog or get a favorable divorce settlement.
 

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Discussion Starter #363
But what is their motivation to be with you, love or fear. How can you base a marriage on fear.
 

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Coming back up for air. Busy day. I’ll try to respond soon.
 

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But what is their motivation to be with you, love or fear. How can you base a marriage on fear.
I think, for the most part, it is putting the fact that they are about to lose their marriage right in front of their face. The spouse doesn't do the "pick me" dance. There is no long, drawn out process where the WS can stay in the fog. This seems to be remarkably successful. Over at SI, you can see the results plainly. For the BSs who are strong enough and self-assured enough to not take any ****, the results (reconciliation or divorce) seem to be much better. For the weaker BSs, it is almost always a train wreck.
 

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From what I've seen and read, the immediate "shock and awe" divorce filers have the best result. They either instantly snap their WS out of the fog or get a favorable divorce settlement.
LOL, yeah, that's the nonsense they feed the sheep over in 'Stepford' at the SI website. 🤪🤪

The "fog" - every cheater's Get Out of Jail Free card. Blaming their **** behavior on the "fog" takes some of the heat right off their shoulders. Apparently, this mystical, magical "fog" envelopes a cheater when he or she is minding their own business and reading the Bible. Suddenly, they're no longer able to make rational decisions and will do things they'd normally NEVER do and they'll have fake feelings for an affair partner because according to the brain trust over there in Stepford, it's simply impossible for a cheater to love their affair partner. :LOL: :LOL:

It's painfully obvious that BS's want very badly to believe "fog" exists. Let's face it, folks - if the "fog" isn't really a thing, then a BS has to face the truth and accept the fact that their cheater made every single decision on his or her OWN steam, and that they chose to disrespect their BS over and over and over because it benefitted them and allowed them to have what they wanted on the side. And a lot of the time, the cheater forms an emotional bond to their affair partner that can certainly be very real - but believing it's not real and just the "fog" makes it less hurtful for a BS to accept and easier to take the lying cheater back if they believe that nonsense.

See how that works?

A divorce doesn't make a cheater "snap out" of any magical fog. It makes them realize they've run out of time and their spouse isn't going to allow their ******** anymore and is pulling the plug. When faced with losing half their assets, becoming a part-time parent, and living on their own and having to be dependent only on themselves, most cheaters DO start behaving more rationally again.

But that's not because some mystical fog has suddenly "broken" - that's all about SELF PRESERVATION for the cheater.

"Fog" my ass.

Delusional. Absolutely delusional.
 

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Wouldn't it be better to ask her to go with me to meet a mediator for a preliminary meeting?
That's a big ol NOPE from me, sir.

I know this sounds dramatic and I don't mean for it to sound this way. But she is your enemy. You wouldn't ask your enemy to come with you to a war planning meeting, would you?

You can't trust her. You need someone on YOUR side. Leave her out of it!
 

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Discussion Starter #369
That's a big ol NOPE from me, sir.

I know this sounds dramatic and I don't mean for it to sound this way. But she is your enemy. You wouldn't ask your enemy to come with you to a war planning meeting, would you?

You can't trust her. You need someone on YOUR side. Leave her out of it!
I agree, from an outside perspective, some of the things she has said to you betray her true nature and feelings for you. She is not to be trusted.
 

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That's a big ol NOPE from me, sir.

I know this sounds dramatic and I don't mean for it to sound this way. But she is your enemy. You wouldn't ask your enemy to come with you to a war planning meeting, would you?

You can't trust her. You need someone on YOUR side. Leave her out of it!
Mediation is great if two people have the same destination in mind (divorce) and just want a neutral party to help them understand family law and negotiate terms.

It's a lot less useful if one person is trying to fight the process. That could be out of selfishness (they don't want to share the marriage assets or the children), punitive anger (they hate you and want you to suffer so they'll give you as little as possible and try to bleed you dry), or denial (they drag it out in hopes you'll change your mind about divorce). Then, it can be an expensive waste of time, and emotional torture to endure.

But it's not always easy to tell what kind of ex you have and if mediation will work until you begin the divorce process. Your wife is still under the assumption the marriage is going to survive if she works hard enough and pumps you full of enough sex endorphins, from the sound of it. You don't know how she'll react once she understands she's headed for divorce. At one point, you didn't think she'd ever cheat. You need to accept that you are no longer able to accurately predict her behaviour, and prepare for the worst.

I had to get my mind wrapped around that sort of behaviour. People would assure me my ex would never do something (hurt the kids, cheat on taxes, whatever), but I had to just look them in the eye and remind them that they would once have said my ex would never cheat. The truth is, once your spouse cheats, you are NO LONGER able to say with any assurance what they would or wouldn't do. Part of the ego-whammy of infidelity - the betrayed feels like they are no longer a good judge of character of anybody.
 

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LOL, yeah, that's the nonsense they feed the sheep over in 'Stepford' at the SI website. 🤪🤪

The "fog" - every cheater's Get Out of Jail Free card. Blaming their **** behavior on the "fog" takes some of the heat right off their shoulders. Apparently, this mystical, magical "fog" envelopes a cheater when he or she is minding their own business and reading the Bible. Suddenly, they're no longer able to make rational decisions and will do things they'd normally NEVER do and they'll have fake feelings for an affair partner because according to the brain trust over there in Stepford, it's simply impossible for a cheater to love their affair partner. :LOL: :LOL:

It's painfully obvious that BS's want very badly to believe "fog" exists. Let's face it, folks - if the "fog" isn't really a thing, then a BS has to face the truth and accept the fact that their cheater made every single decision on his or her OWN steam, and that they chose to disrespect their BS over and over and over because it benefitted them and allowed them to have what they wanted on the side. And a lot of the time, the cheater forms an emotional bond to their affair partner that can certainly be very real - but believing it's not real and just the "fog" makes it less hurtful for a BS to accept and easier to take the lying cheater back if they believe that nonsense.

See how that works?

A divorce doesn't make a cheater "snap out" of any magical fog. It makes them realize they've run out of time and their spouse isn't going to allow their ******** anymore and is pulling the plug. When faced with losing half their assets, becoming a part-time parent, and living on their own and having to be dependent only on themselves, most cheaters DO start behaving more rationally again.

But that's not because some mystical fog has suddenly "broken" - that's all about SELF PRESERVATION for the cheater.

"Fog" my ass.

Delusional. Absolutely delusional.
I think you took multiple paragraphs to mostly agree with me. 😁

Whatever you call it, whether it be "fog" or a realization that "**** is real," filling tends to work and usually brings the best results.
 

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I do intend to reply to more recent posts soon. Work is keeping me pretty busy.
 

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Discussion Starter #374 (Edited)
OK got another one -

jlarson

Stuck in the SI limbo. Talking about how this is the best he can do, and he knows it's never gonna get better. This of course will be reinforced by those who never left for it to get better. No it won't bet better if you stay. It does get better if you leave. It actually goes away if you leave.

Post like that are the absolute worst. If you are miserable and think about it every day 4 years later, the only person responsible about where you are in life is YOU. Sadly you can only say that here.

Wish someone would send him here.

Seriously send that dude here!
 

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Discussion Starter #375
@Thumos - read around your last 5 posts on the big thread on SI JFO.

you really should start applying that advice to your own life.

It's not too late.
Are you the same guy on SI?
 

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I told her definitively about four hours ago I want a divorce. no ifs ands or buts. “I want a divorce.” I feel better than I have in years. I understand the warnings of what I’m about to deal with. I’m not naive.

I will try to update more tomorrow. I have several big projects all coming to bear this week making it difficult to post.
 

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I told her definitively about four hours ago I want a divorce. no ifs ands or buts. “I want a divorce.” I feel better than I have in years. I understand the warnings of what I’m about to deal with. I’m not naive.

I will try to update more tomorrow. I have several big projects all coming to bear this week making it difficult to post.
Given some of your SI posts, I was going to respond with a "physician, heal thyself" post. However, it looks like you don't need it...

I think most folks misunderstood where you were. You tried to explain about the heart condition, covid, etc., but I don't think folks actually recognized your resolve...
 

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OK got another one -

jlarson

Stuck in the SI limbo. Talking about how this is the best he can do, and he knows it's never gonna get better. This of course will be reinforced by those who never left for it to get better. No it won't bet better if you stay. It does get better if you leave. It actually goes away if you leave.

Post like that are the absolute worst. If you are miserable and think about it every day 4 years later, the only person responsible about where you are in life is YOU. Sadly you can only say that here.

Wish someone would send him here.

Seriously send that dude here!
Yes that is a sad one. Why in the world be "Reconciled" is beyond me.

And he is wondering 4 years LATER why he is not really happy.

Poor guy...

And SKM, he is going to stay there for the rest of his life. He thinks he is doing God' work.
 
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