Some trouble during R

13007 Views 45 Replies 25 Participants Last post by LongWalk, Apr 10, 2013

mahike

Discussion Starter · Oct 29, 2012

My wife and I have been in R for about a year and things have been OK but the sex thing with us has been all over the place, for about the last two months it has been very in frequent and a couple of time I have felt she was just going through the motions. To be fair a couple of times it was pretty passionate.
The sex thing has been a problem our whole marriage but being the BH sex is a real pressure point for me.

Our MC has been constant about take it slow you have a lot to work on.

This last week I left on a business trip. We have always had sex prior to me leaving on a trip. When I came to bed she was wearing sweats, she kissed me and said good night and rolled away from me. I left for the airport 5 hours later.
We argued over the phone two days later.

When I come home we talk a little more about the argument and then I crashed for a few hours I was beat. Later that night we went to bed and she is wearing sweats again and I get the I have a headache speech (she may have had one). Anyway I start an email war with her about sex again.

My wife says that sex is the only thing that I think we need to work on. On know we have a lot of stuff to still work on but I tell her I need to know that she wants me and is passionate for me.

Anyone else been on this roller coaster ride and how did you work it out?

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LetDownNTX

· #2 · Oct 29, 2012

mahike said:
My wife and I have been in R for about a year and things have been OK but the sex thing with us has been all over the place, for about the last two months it has been very in frequent and a couple of time I have felt she was just going through the motions. To be fair a couple of times it was pretty passionate.
The sex thing has been a problem our whole marriage but being the BH sex is a real pressure point for me.

Our MC has been constant about take it slow you have a lot to work on.

This last week I left on a business trip. We have always had sex prior to me leaving on a trip. When I came to bed she was wearing sweats, she kissed me and said good night and rolled away from me. I left for the airport 5 hours later.
We argued over the phone two days later.

When I come home we talk a little more about the argument and then I crashed for a few hours I was beat. Later that night we went to bed and she is wearing sweats again and I get the I have a headache speech (she may have had one). Anyway I start an email war with her about sex again.

My wife says that sex is the only thing that I think we need to work on. On know we have a lot of stuff to still work on but I tell her I need to know that she wants me and is passionate for me.

Anyone else been on this roller coaster ride and how did you work it out?

YES!! I was just getting ready to post but didnt know if I should do it here or on the sex forum. Of course to me it all centers around the PA so I would think here?! Anyway....I have no idea what to tell you to do but Im curious to hear the advice. When things dont work out for us in the bedroom I always wonder if its me, is it another person, does he just not want me anymore, is there something medically wrong with him, etc.

I know how frustrating it can be and honestly all morning I've been asking myself WTF is wrong with me?! Im sure you do that alot too!

Badblood

· #3 · Oct 29, 2012

Dude, if she isn't into it, then you need to find out the reason why. If she won't tell you why, then , more than likely she is thinking about somebody else. There may be other reasons but that is the most likely.

tom67

· #4 · Oct 29, 2012

Badblood said:
Dude, if she isn't into it, then you need to find out the reason why. If she won't tell you why, then , more than likely she is thinking about somebody else. There may be other reasons but that is the most likely.

Wow it's been a year like this? Have you checked the phone records lately? Could be a false r imo.

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wiigirl

· #5 · Oct 29, 2012

Badblood said:
Dude, if she isn't into it, then you need to find out the reason why. If she won't tell you why, then , more than likely she is thinking about somebody else. There may be other reasons but that is the most likely.

:iagree:

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Link182

· #6 · Oct 29, 2012

Not sure I am at all the best person to listen to here but I wanted to add a note or two.

In my experience my wife and I have never worn any kind of pajama type night wear to bed, and our sex life had always been regular if not a bit predictable. I assumed it went that way as couples grew older together and assumed that this is how she wanted it.

When she started wearing clothes to bed and having "headaches" all the time, I assumed it was just that. Instead what it turned out to be was a PA. In my reading this is often an indicator for affairs or at least emotional distance in a passive/aggressive type personality. I am certainly no counselor, but that is what I took away.

At the very least there is a need there that is not being met for her. Draw her out in conversation and be honest about your feelings, perhaps she is waiting to tell you. Do all the things you can read about on here to nullify your being a man and her being a woman. Low controlled tones, body positioning, and when she speaks try to hear what she is saying not what you are hearing. Lord knows I suck at it!

Hope that helps, just found myself in that situation and talking about it and drawing her out were the means to working on it.

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Hope1964

· #7 · Oct 29, 2012

What exactly is she doing to prove to you that she's truly remorseful? Because if she has that attitude about the R in general, it isn't a true R.

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TCSRedhead

· #8 · Oct 29, 2012

How are things otherwise? Do you talk about how things are going for both of you? Are you both making time to spend with each other alone? Is there touch and intimacy that is non-sexual?

I can tell already with my other half that if sex is happening, he thinks all is well when it really isn't.

SadandAngry

· #9 · Oct 29, 2012

I agree there's more going on in her head that you need to get her talking about. The sweats and the headache speech are cop outs. Tell her how it makes you feel (unwanted), and that you are concerned. You need to listen to what she is saying and draw what she is feeling out of her. You do this by resisting the temptation to be defensive, just listen to what she had to say, repeat what you are getting from what she says to make sure you understand, and go from there. She may feel you want sex, but you are otherwise unaffectionate. That would not be good, she'd then view sex as a chore, that she was less than human to you even. You need to address problems like this head on, and not avoid them out of embarrassment or whatever.

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mahike

Discussion Starter · #10 · Oct 29, 2012

To answer some questions. I have the keyloggers, access to all emails, FB, I am pretty sure she is not in an EA and very sure she is not is PA.

As far as the R I still get the I am sorry talkes and tears, stepped it up in being an attentive with the everyday stuff.

We are talking about our marriage issues which are deep and we are stuggling with money.

The funny thing is when my wife was in her PA our sex life was pretty good. That came out in our talks and it sounds like it was quilty feelings on her part.

Her PA was more about escaping our issues then the sex for her. I would not say that was the case for the POS OM. He went fishing a few months back and when the email came in she handed me the phone and showed me.

She has seen her DR and has low estrogen but she has had hormone therapy.

Our MC says the sex thing is hard to repair after the A. I know I had issues with sex when we first started our R

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mahike

Discussion Starter · #11 · Oct 29, 2012

TCSRedhead said:
How are things otherwise? Do you talk about how things are going for both of you? Are you both making time to spend with each other alone? Is there touch and intimacy that is non-sexual?

I can tell already with my other half that if sex is happening, he thinks all is well when it really isn't.

Yes we touch, hold hands and have time that is just about us. I will tell you if the sex thing is working for me. I tend to be more open and willing to talk.

the guy

· #12 · Oct 29, 2012

I wish I had some great advise, but I'm wired alot different then must. I'm a very dominant lover and my wife warms up after I "let her go". I can say "taking it" isn't for everyone but it works for us. beside I'm sure the OM never asked and just "took it"

Maybe in your case, if and when you get "it" keep working it until "going thru the motions" turns into a "begging passion" from her. My thinking is if she enjoyes it she will want more.

Maybe a little teasing will help IDK, foot rubs and back rubs?

I do know that romance is a big thing for chicks but who has the time on a week night right? I do however make sure I smell good before hitting the sack.

I do suggest you tell your fWW that sex is the glue and your MC is off with this point. I would also recall your memory bank and find that one button that turned the sex into something so passinate for your fWW. What was that one thing that got her going?

Maybe its time for a sex therepist?

daggeredheart

· #13 · Oct 29, 2012

Another issue that weighs heavy on our minds as BS is are we dealing with _serial cheaters_?

How can we not be afraid they we will end up here again after trying to reconcile.

I think it's normal to be highly sensitive to anything off and before the betrayal we probably wouldn't have zeroed in on theses issues. Reconciliation is a rough road indeed. I am hoping its worth all the hard work it takes to make a better marriage.

warlock07

· #14 · Oct 29, 2012

How was the sex life before the OM ?

How was it during the affair ? how was she with him ?

How is it now ?

I did read some of your older posts and all I see is her doing the minimum to keep you from leaving.

Maybe it is that she is attracted to you and you may have to live with it.

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mahike

Discussion Starter · #15 · Oct 29, 2012

warlock07 said:
How was the sex life before the OM ?

How was it during the affair ? how was she with him ?

How is it now ?

I did read some of your older posts and all I see is her doing the minimum to keep you from leaving.

Maybe it is that she is attracted to you and you may have to live with it.

She was sexting with the other guy but that was not something she did with me. I always tried in the past but not much happened. She claims the sex with the other guy was OK and nothing that rocked her world. She said she was more up about the excitement of the lies, the planning then the sex.

She tells me she was someone else with him and not as inhibited. Of course my response is I have seen you inside and out, all the good and all the bad but you are inhibited with me.

When I caught her and we had the big screaming match the sex was hot for a couple of months and then it tappered back to what we had before.

As far as think back to what made her rip your clothes of passionate. We have to be somewhere away from home. It never happens at home. I know her triggers what drives her nuts but it has to be away from home and work.

warlock07

· #16 · Oct 29, 2012

Can you live with that for the rest of your life ?

She tells me she was someone else with him and not as inhibited

That is insulting to you and the marriage.

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Acabado

· #17 · Oct 29, 2012

mahike said:
She tells me she was someone else with him and not as inhibited.

Need to be adressed. Her other "persona" need to be incorporated into the marriage. Complete openess. With OM she didn't feel the need to be respected, she can't stand you might feel less of her if her darke side, her inner **** is exposed. There's always faulty thinking into this but happens all the f0cking time. Reverse maddona/wh0re complex.

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Ovid

· #18 · Oct 29, 2012

Consider that sex comes from the limbic (primitive) portion of the brain. You need to appeal to that. You can't reason your way into being sexually stimulating.

Stay dressed around her. Don't let her see you naked outside the context of sex. Hit the gym, lift weights, get a haircut. Anything to make yourself look/feel better. Worst case you at least feel better about yourself. The boost in confidence will do you good. Chances are she will notice too. Don't tell her you're doing it for her. In fact do it for yourself.

All of that aside. Have an honest discussion with her about the no sex, because it is still an important issue in the relationship, and obviously a hurtful thing when you know how sexual she was with the OM. Not in the context of begging for sex, but why it's a problem, and the further damage she is doing. Don't expect the talk to fix things, but it should help the two of you get a better understanding.

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mahike

Discussion Starter · #19 · Oct 29, 2012

Acabado said:
Need to be adressed. Her other "persona" need to be incorporated into the marriage. Complete openess. With OM she didn't feel the need to be respected, she can't stand you might feel less of her if her darke side, her inner **** is exposed. There's always faulty thinking into this but happens all the f0cking time. Reverse maddona/wh0re complex.

This has come out in conversation with our MC almost to the word

Acabado

· #20 · Oct 29, 2012

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