Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 64 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hi .. I am new to forums and really would like some advice. I have been married for almost 9 years and together for 12. We have two beautiful children. After the birth of number two, we really disconnected. Found ourselves heading in different directions and our paths not crossing much ... kinda like two ships sailing in the night sky. We both started our own interests and unfortunately as part of my interest I met someone and immediately connected. That was over 18 months ago now. What started as simple texting, developed into an emotional affair and has been an intimate affair for a long while. Over the period of the affair I have tried in vein to cut ties with the other person, I have been to counselling with my husband and really just tried to forget that I did something so dreadful and terrible. The fact is I have really grown to love the other person and whilst I care immensly for my husband, I am no longer in love with him. I decided finally that perhaps a trial separation is in order, my husband is being very understanding as we both just want the absolute best for the kids. As part of this trial separation, the other person has said he will stand by me and "catch me when I fall" ... yet he is still active on a dating website. I know I have caused him pain by not making a decision about my marriage ... but what if I am making a huge mistake, throwing away my life with my kids and my husband for someone that is not being completely honest with me. How will I ever know what is the right choice to make until I've ruined everyone's lives ... I am really confused and upset. I know I am a bad person, so please don't judge me anymore that I already judge myself. Thanks to anyone for listening.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,724 Posts
Hi Choochoo.

Yes what you are doing is wrong, but people make mistakes. You can't change what has already happened but you can change things going forward.

Your OM was willing to bed a married woman, is wiling to break up the marriage, and is still on a dating website. It seems pretty clear what he thinks about marriage and commitment.

So that half is easy to understand. You just need to do it, and since you demonstrably can't end it with this man alone, you need help.

What to do with your husband is harder. There are ways to work on the marriage but they require commitment from both of you.

What did the counsellor and your husband say during counselling when you told them you were seeing the other man, and had been intimate with him?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,888 Posts
That other man will never be there for you. As soon as he's done with you.. your history.

Get yourself help. Having an affair is always hurtful and extremely selfish. Your darn lucky your husband stands by you and not have a full blown affair himself. Find a way to stay faithful.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
I never thought I would be the sort if person to do this to my husband and my children. Sadly I am not in love with my husband anymore and he agrees with me that we have disconnected. I guess not knowing the next step and which way to go is the hardest thing of all. I would definitely consider reconciliation if I felt long term I could be happy ... The fact is I haven't been happy for a very long time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,724 Posts
My husband does not know about the affair. :-(
I did suspect that.

First, do you agree with my assessment about the other man, or do you think there is a future there? Please tell me what you think.

Now, how do you think you can feel a connection with your husband while you are hiding a secret like that? How can counselling seriously help anything when a secret like that is not discussed?

This is not being judgemental, but just making sure you are aware...you are actively destroying your marriage. It's not something that just happened. You are making it happen.

Have a read of this and se what you recognise in it :

Infidelity, Cheating Wives - Women's Infidelity

Tell us whether you recognise anything of your own situation in that link.

The problem is, that in order to fix things now, you have to tell your husband about the affair. And when you do that, he may choose to end the marriage regardless of what you want or think.

But if you don't tell him, the affair will eat at you and destroy intimacy. The marriage won't recover, and will either end anyway or limp along being terrible.

No easy solutions. Are you willing to really try, knowing it will be hard.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
I do feel like there is absolutely a future with the other man ... But our lives are so very different. I have Vernon a financially secure relationship for 12 years we want for nothing. The OM has a very ordinary job (my husband and I are CPA's) and he has no drivers Licence no assets no savings ... He is 36 living with his mother. Part of me feels like I am his ticket out of his relationship. That article is spot on ... I have a lot of work to do but honestly I can't come clean ... I will live with the guilt before doing that :-/
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,888 Posts
You need to tell your husband. The sooner, the better. Don't wait until your caught. Be honest, tell him everything.

You'll never get past this and move forward without him knowing.

I can tell you that you won't ever have a future with this OM. He only sees you as a sex object. When he's done with you, he'll move onto the next woman. You are really in a fog if you see a future with him.

You at least owe it to your husband the truth at minimum.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,221 Posts
36 and living with his mother?

:rofl:

Stop this now. Stop it. Get out of the fog and this this OM(G) for what he IS! Holy no. Stop it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,221 Posts
And come clean. Seriously, do it. It's not about you anymore. It's giving your husband the choice if he wants to work with you and fix this OR take time to figure out what to do OR divorce you.

Own it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
I do feel like there is absolutely a future with the other man ... But our lives are so very different. I have Vernon a financially secure relationship for 12 years we want for nothing. The OM has a very ordinary job (my husband and I are CPA's) and he has no drivers Licence no assets no savings ... He is 36 living with his mother. Part of me feels like I am his ticket out of his relationship. That article is spot on ... I have a lot of work to do but honestly I can't come clean ... I will live with the guilt before doing that :-/
OK... not trying to judge here... but the guy is 36, no license, and still living with mom. Say hypothetically you two were to end up together, my guess is that you would be his new mommy, not his significant other. Sounds to me like this guy is looking for a "sugar momma"... and if you don't come through for him, hey like you said, he's still on that dating site.

Even if you can't make it work with your husband, my advice is run and run fast from that other guy...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,724 Posts
I do feel like there is absolutely a future with the other man ... But our lives are so very different. I have Vernon a financially secure relationship for 12 years we want for nothing. The OM has a very ordinary job (my husband and I are CPA's) and he has no drivers Licence no assets no savings ... He is 36 living with his mother. Part of me feels like I am his ticket out of his relationship. That article is spot on ... I have a lot of work to do but honestly I can't come clean ... I will live with the guilt before doing that :-/
Did you mean "absolutely a future" or "absolutely no future"? I assume the latter?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
I actually mean I think there is a future with the other guy ... I do agree with so many of your comments. I know how wrong things are, how insecure financially my future would definitely be with the other guy ... But honestly how do you stop feelings that you firmly believe in your heart to be real?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
The thing is my head knows what to do ... But everytime I do it (end things or have an argument that will break me and OM) my heart betrays me and I find myself begging to win him back :-/ .... What the hell is wrong with me. Honestly the s$x is amazing ... The best and most intimate I have ever felt ... But on deeper more serious levels like financial stability it us a no contest ... My husband makes $9k a month vs OM $2.5k a month ... We have absolutely everything materially we/I could ever want ... Yet my heart keeps betraying me :-( ... The other difficulty I have is that I do see the OM 3-4 times a week as a result of a sport we both love and do together ... I don't want to give that away.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,724 Posts
I actually mean I think there is a future with the other guy ... I do agree with so many of your comments. I know how wrong things are, how insecure financially my future would definitely be with the other guy ... But honestly how do you stop feelings that you firmly believe in your heart to be real?
It's hard.

I've been there. After my wife's affair our marriage was pretty bad, and I went and fell in love with someone else. Thank goodness that someone else was not open to an affair otherwise I might have made a terrible mistake. But getting over her still hurt.

So what I did....

First, I decided that I had to stay faithful to my wife. I had to keep the promise I made when I married her.

Second, I cut off all inappropriate contact with that woman. She was a work colleague, so I had to still see her, but I had to not let myself work on those feelings and keep feeding them.

Third, I told that woman, so that she would not accidentally lead me on.

Fourth, I told my wife and asked for help. That was really hard. It would be harder for you, since I just had to confess to feelings. You have to admit to acting on them.

Additionally, in your case the sex is probably clouding your judgement. Stop going to his bed. Get someone you can trust to keep you honest on this, because left to yourself you haven't so far demonstrate the willpower necessary to contain yourself.

So, what's the alternative.

You are going to build a lasting relationship with someone so committed to you he is still active on a dating website?

You are going to put your feelings for your lover ahead of your children's chance to have a family growing up? Can you live with that?

You are an accountant. Sit down and figure out what this is going to do to your financial future. You talked about financial insecurity. You know that your income is going to drop. Why not take out of your salary the amount you will have to spend on a separate household and try and live on that for a couple of months. It might also be interesting to find out whether your lover stays with you when he sees the reduced finances your divorce will cause.

Or do you intend to take your husband for all you can, destroy his finances to make yours better? Can you really do that to someone who has been such a good husband? Can you live with yourself.

This all looks so terrible when I write it. I feel like I am tearing into you, but honestly I'm not. I'm just describing your situation as I see it.

You are an intelligent person. You know that. Don't argue with the emotions of what I just wrote. Argue with the facts.

Can you really do this and live with yourself? Can you look your children in the eye?

Sigh....I have to write this last bit. Please don't hate me. My wife had the same thing. Her affair partner was younger, and with better prospects than you describe, but he was a young guy who lived with his parents. All he wanted was to get her into bed. And she's a smart woman but at the time she was struggling with the same decision you are....to leave me for him.

Now, she realises how dumb she was. How wrong. She struggles to live with herself.

Honestly ChooChoo, if you don't get your head out of your backside about this, you are in for so much pain. Inflicting it on yourself is your right. Inflicting it on your husband and children is not.

So, you said you feel terrible. You said you know what you are doing is wrong.

Prove it........
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
485 Posts
36 and living with his mother?

:rofl:

Stop this now. Stop it. Get out of the fog and this this OM(G) for what he IS! Holy no. Stop it.
:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


you know honey..if your pour all that love back into your real man there at home you you might find those feelings you had when you first met might come back tenfold.

but get honest or its done

time to wake up sweetheart.
 
1 - 20 of 64 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top