[inquiry]

My wife and I have reached a meltdown - this is not my first post but the end of many months of anguish.

This is what she says;

I have been deeply unhappy for far too long. It will never improve. I have not arrived at this point lightly, believe me. If it were it not for the kids, I would have left years ago.

I will agree to stay for a further 12 months but in all honesty my decision to want a separation was made earlier this year. I thought I could stick it out for the kids but I can't.

At worst, it will enable us to finish the house and maximize its sale and for me to become more financially independent.

I do not agree with you that love can be rekindled and I simply do not love you anymore.

My question to everyone is this;

Am I wrong to continue. 12 months is a long time - I love this woman and want o fight for her. I don't want to walk away. She says 'at worst' ... does this give reason for hope?

Lots of questions - can anyone help.

 

[justanaveragejoe]

i think that is a question only you can answer, will you be relatively happy and civil living together with her during that period of time?

12 months is a long time if you are at each others throats every day, if you can be civil during that time, then thats a different story

 

[A Bit Much]

What do you see in her message to you that indicates she still has some fight in her? I'm curious to your answer.

I take her at worst to mean that it's going to be a long drawn out process she's not looking forward to. She wants it to be done quickly (so she can leave).

 

[inquiry]

I see it as 12 months to win her back. We're not at each others throats but she has checked out and that is even more hurtful and I'm having to find every ounce of strength I have to try and make it work.

At worst... This is how i read it.

What she is describing is the worst outcome that come happen from the 12 months staying together. That being finish house etc. Therefore my view is that there there must be a best outcome. That gives me hope.

Does this make any sense?

 

[Machiavelli]

Is she still having an affair with that guy she was calling and texting everyday? Is she still hanging out with all her toxic friends who are having affairs?

If the answer is anything other than "absolutely not" you're just wasting your time.

Did you ever get your testosterone checked?

 

[inquiry]

They seemed to have stopped. Hard to say about who she sees in the day time. Yes, I did get my testosterone checked I'm fine. I am seeing a therapist to help me re-build self esteem. MC - went to 2 sessions together and stopped. 3 weeks ago she wrote a very positive note about wanting to give it a go but now this.

As I have said though, I'm simply not willing to give up on her. I know she thinks that love can't be rekindled but I think it can. Am I a fool - I just don't know.

 

[A Bit Much]

I see it as 12 months to win her back. We're not at each others throats but she has checked out and that is even more hurtful and I'm having to find every ounce of strength I have to try and make it work.

At worst... This is how i read it.

What she is describing is the worst outcome that come happen from the 12 months staying together. That being finish house etc. Therefore my view is that there there must be a best outcome. That gives me hope.

Does this make any sense?

No, it doesn't make sense. The 12 months isn't about 'staying together' it's about getting the house ready to be sold. It's not a timeline for you to work extra hard to win her back, but a time frame for her to save money, get her ducks in a row and sell the marital home.

It's the war of the roses question. How do you make someone stay that doesn't want to stay, and how do you make someone leave that doesn't want to leave? You know how that story ended.

 

[inquiry]

I hear what you are saying but I'm hoping that decisions are never finite. Don't people fall in and out of love in relationships, is it really too late.

 

[Tall Average Guy]

They seemed to have stopped. Hard to say about who she sees in the day time. Yes, I did get my testosterone checked I'm fine. I am seeing a therapist to help me re-build self esteem. MC - went to 2 sessions together and stopped. 3 weeks ago she wrote a very positive note about wanting to give it a go but now this.

As I have said though, I'm simply not willing to give up on her. I know she thinks that love can't be rekindled but I think it can. Am I a fool - I just don't know.

If you love her so much, consider giving her what she asks for.

 

[inquiry]

That's an easy thing to say, don't know how to answer that to be honest

 

[A Bit Much]

TAG has the right idea. Give her what she wants.

 

[Toffer]

If you do stay for the 12 months, spend that time working on YOU. You are the only one that you can change. Make yourself a better person for someone else, not your wife who has already choosen to discard you

 

[canttrustu]

As my brother recently put it to someone "sometimes the most solid proof of love is granting them their wish to be left alone"

 

[Machiavelli]

They seemed to have stopped. Hard to say about who she sees in the day time. Yes, I did get my testosterone checked I'm fine. I am seeing a therapist to help me re-build self esteem. MC - went to 2 sessions together and stopped. 3 weeks ago she wrote a very positive note about wanting to give it a go but now this.

As I have said though, I'm simply not willing to give up on her. I know she thinks that love can't be rekindled but I think it can. Am I a fool - I just don't know.

She's either having an affair or she's having affairs. If you're not going to go back to doing intel ops, you need to go ahead and file. You should also out her friends, for good measure. They're probably the ones who encouraged her.

What was your T number? age? Are you bodybuilding?

 

[inquiry]

It was 250 something. I'm 49. Not a body builder.
Do you all believe that she cannot be turned, that once someone makes this decision it is finite? I find that hard to understand - but I'm probably not being very rationale I know.

 

[A Bit Much]

It was 250 something. I'm 49. Not a body builder.
Do you all believe that she cannot be turned, that once someone makes this decision it is finite? I find that hard to understand - but I'm probably not being very rationale I know.

When a woman makes the decision, yes it's usually final. She's given it all the thought she intends to give it and she's done grieving the end. She's ready to move forward.

Some guys after time (years usually) can turn it around and their wife decides to try again... but this isn't typical. Hell I did it myself once. It didn't work out in the end, but I did give it another try after about 18 months.

 

[inquiry]

I've just re-read that last post several times, it hit home pretty hard.

"Give her what she wants makes more sense now"

Feel quite sick and that sinking in ...

 

[A Bit Much]

The greatest gift you can give her is freedom. Love isn't bondage. You're trying to keep her where she doesn't want to be... trying to control her. Let her go.

 

[Ten_year_hubby]

What I explained to my wife is that you can stay here and we live as husband and wife or you can leave and do whatever you wish, your choice. If you stay, you have to bang me and me only at least every other night. Otherwise the door is right here. You can leave whenever you want but don't count on being let back in. I hope I see you tonight.

 

[tm84]

This really isn't about having time to rebuild for her. She's checked out and, really, you will be wasting your time attempting to get her to change her mind. She's trying to save money and do whatever she needs to in order to move on and you seriously need to do the same for yourself.

The best gift that you can give yourself now is to get yourself ready for the next phase of your life. This one is over and you need to start looking ahead to what you want to do next for yourself. Do whatever you need to in order to raise your self-esteem; work out, going out with friends, finding new hobbies or rekindling old ones, focusing on your kids, etc... This time needs to be about you, not the fantasy life that you will not have with your wife.

It's really time to let her go and move on. It's going to take work, but the sooner that you get started on the rest of your life, the better off you will be in the end. 12 months is a long time to deal with someone who doesn't want to be there with you. You should see if you can get the house issues settled sooner and start planning your future. She's already started, so you should get moving, also. Best of luck!