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Discussion Starter #1
So, I was texting with a friend earlier, and she said something about her kid that signalled something in my head about my own kid, so I made a phone call to find out she has an appointment in a couple of weeks out of town. Not a big deal, but it would have been nice to have been told 9 months ago.
Oh well.

Anyways, I was entering her appointment into schedule, and since the appointment is next year, I asked my ex what his shift schedule was so that I could put that info in as well. I have to manage the day-to-day activities of 5 people, pets and there is rarely a day where something is not going on.

So.

I then asked him if they have started doing “vacation picks” where he works. Depending on the length of time they work where he works, some people can get 5 weeks of time off, above regular holidays and a week everyone has in the summer and over Christmas....so they are only allowed to book 2 weeks at a time.

He told me he has, so since I was busy getting everything organized, I asked him to write the weeks down and let me know what he has planned; so I know if he will be in the country or not.

So, I get his list, and I know exactly what he has planned for 4 of the 5 weeks he has off,
Even though he told me he has no plans.

Fine. Good for you. Thank you for taking me into consideration when you planned your holidays. You are leaving for Europe for 4 of those 5 weeks (even though he said no plans, 2 weeks were booked over each of 2 persons birthdays, so as per the last 5 years, I know he is going to Europe)

He did not consult me, and considering I take care of the kids (2 disabled) 97.5% of the time and it is rare that I get to go on a holiday, go out for the night or a weekend unless I plan months in advance and beg, or get shown any thanks or appreciation from anyone for everything I do for them. OMG!!!!!

It must be nice to be able to just pack a suitcase and take off whenever you want.
Not consult your “family” or anything.

It is the least I expect from him because he is just going to take off and pi$$ away his visitation obligations like always (because be wishes he was never a parent in the first place). He expects me to take care of everything and forces me to be the responsible one while he wallows in a depression he will not get treated, blames everyone else in life aside from himself.

I am so incredibly upset with him. It was rude and selfish to not even think of me since there is no one else to take care of OUR kids if I’m not there but him.


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Discussion Starter #3
I did do this once in the past at it was horrible when I came home.

My house was a total disaster. Worse than when I left. Everyone was miserable. My basement carpet was ruined because the dog was not taken out enough and he just went downstairs and did his business.

My ex was angry with me because I was gone and he had to actually had to parent and he just complained about everything for weeks after.

The kids basically stayed in their rooms the entire time so that they did not have to interact with him. He did nothing with them and I had to give him “extra money” over the bit I left for groceries in case they needed anything after I spent $400 in groceries before I left.


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I don't know your story, but your ex should be taking the children to his home and he should be responsible for caring for them on his days. Why isn't he?
 

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I did do this once in the past at it was horrible when I came home.

My house was a total disaster. Worse than when I left. Everyone was miserable. My basement carpet was ruined because the dog was not taken out enough and he just went downstairs and did his business.

My ex was angry with me because I was gone and he had to actually had to parent and he just complained about everything for weeks after.

The kids basically stayed in their rooms the entire time so that they did not have to interact with him. He did nothing with them and I had to give him “extra money” over the bit I left for groceries in case they needed anything after I spent $400 in groceries before I left.


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Was this BEFORE the divorce? Because no way in hell should he be in your home...
 

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@a_new_me,

There are two things about your post that I "don't get"--here they are:

1) Your ExH is an EX. You two are divorced. Why are you still so involved? Disentangle yourself from him and his life...and who cares what he does or thinks. As I usually tell people, get to the point where he is the milkman or postman to you. Would you give a rip if the postman scheduled a trip or vacation and didn't tell you? Then why do you care any moreso if your EX does? He's an EX.

2) I get it--you take care of your disabled children "all by yourself" and he isn't a good parent. Well here is a truth about your life: you get to be the parent for your kids. Your EX is not a good parent and most likely never will be. Just accept that.

My Dear Hubby's exW left him with five kids--just up and walked away. We documented for a year and had them more than 95% of the time. Plus, she had a legal degree and he didn't...she should have been paying him child support, and taking them half the time, and she was a bad parent. That is JUST WHO SHE WAS, and rather than stay involved with her and entangled in her life, we just accepted the fact that we would have to love and raise the kids on our own. Yeah--I was the step-mom and it was frustrating that all my hard work went to paying for someone else's kids ALL THE TIME, but you know what? They were safe with us, we cared about them and were involved in their lives, and we weren't rich but they were LOVED. We had to just accept that their mom was not a good parent and we'd have them the vast majority of the time...and that we had to find a way to pay for their things all by ourselves. That's the way it was. Because we got to be the parents for all five of those kids.
 

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@a_new_me,

There are two things about your post that I "don't get"--here they are:

1) Your ExH is an EX. You two are divorced. Why are you still so involved? Disentangle yourself from him and his life...and who cares what he does or thinks. As I usually tell people, get to the point where he is the milkman or postman to you. Would you give a rip if the postman scheduled a trip or vacation and didn't tell you? Then why do you care any moreso if your EX does? He's an EX.
Yep. This.
 

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Thank you for taking me into consideration when you planned your holidays. You are leaving for Europe for 4 of those 5 weeks (even though he said no plans, 2 weeks were booked over each of 2 persons birthdays, so as per the last 5 years, I know he is going to Europe)

He did not consult me, and considering I take care of the kids (2 disabled) 97.5% of the time and it is rare that I get to go on a holiday, go out for the night or a weekend unless I plan months in advance and beg, or get shown any thanks or appreciation from anyone for everything I do for them. OMG!!!!!

It is the least I expect from him because he is just going to take off and pi$$ away his visitation obligations like always (because be wishes he was never a parent in the first place). He expects me to take care of everything and forces me to be the responsible one while he wallows in a depression he will not get treated, blames everyone else in life aside from himself.

I am so incredibly upset with him. It was rude and selfish to not even think of me...
You're not going to like what I have to say one bit, but here it is: Expectations. They'll bite you in the ass every time. You know your husband is a crappy parent. He doesn't want to be bothered to be a father to his own children.

Granted, I can understand that you are upset. But you are trying to get blood out of a turnip. This dude is an irresponsible jerk. Know that. Embrace it. Expect less than nothing from him. This is where you have to start thinking hard and getting creative in order to find someone who is a responsible adult to look after the kids when you want to have a free evening.

Family members, friends, baby sitters, whatever … There HAS to be a responsible life form you can find to tend to your children. Because your husband? He ain't it.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I don't know your story, but your ex should be taking the children to his home and he should be responsible for caring for them on his days. Why isn't he?


Two of them are disabled and his excuse is that he cannot handle them because he is always tired and irritable from work and that stuff.
They are a lot of work....I know that. I prefer to be their primary care giver anyways because it is better for everyone. I just want a bit of time for some self care and to relax.


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Oh boo hoo! That poor man is apparently suffering from adulthood.

Being the primary caregiver is one thing. Being the only caregiver and allowing him to use your home to meet his personal responsibilities is quite another.

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Discussion Starter #12
To the other posters, thank you for your comments and concerns.

I know he is a bad parent, he knows he is a bad parent, my kids know that he is a bad parent.

I have tried for years to disentangle our lives, but he wont move on and every time I try to, something seems to happen.
I think I find someone decent, and something goes wrong. It is usually my kids scaring them away, or my inability to do anything or go any where.

He wont watch them so I can go out. That is when he is usually “too busy”. When I do manage to go out (sneak out), my phone rings constantly because my one kid calls me constantly. I cannot turn my phone off in case there is an emergency....there are generally 3-4 incidents per week. If I have someone over, I have no privacy from them.

I know why they are like that...they do not want to see me hurt (abusive relationships) and they believe that their fathers behaviour is a result of my breaking up with him (he always lacked the capacity to have a discussion behind closed doors...they were always him screaming in my face and not caring who was watching, so you can imagine what they heard, especially after I first broke up with him).

It is hard being a single parent. I guess I am still a bit angry because we made them together and him being able to do what he wants while I have to clean up the messes strikes a nerve some days.


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Discussion Starter #14
This week send him the 5 weeks you will be gone, and let him know he can’t stay at your place during that time.


Lol. I wish. He intentionally lives where he cannot bring the kids and screams poverty every time I tell him to move somewhere where he can have the kids.
I cannot make him move....I have tried.
Just another control tactic he uses.
My kids are going to be leaving and starting their (well 2 will, I doubt my 3rd will ever be independent enough to) leave, so I look towards that with hope.


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Discussion Starter #15
Do the two of you still live together or have I confused you with another poster?


No. We do not live together. He does come over though because he “hates how his landlord is” (long story, I agree on many points, but not my job to find him a better place to live), he helps me with laundry, shopping and driving me to doctors visits (I am partially permanently disabled because of an accident several years ago). He also uses those reasons to “see the kids”, but I think he just comes over to see me.


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I did do this once in the past at it was horrible when I came home.

My house was a total disaster. Worse than when I left. Everyone was miserable. My basement carpet was ruined because the dog was not taken out enough and he just went downstairs and did his business.

My ex was angry with me because I was gone and he had to actually had to parent and he just complained about everything for weeks after.

The kids basically stayed in their rooms the entire time so that they did not have to interact with him. He did nothing with them and I had to give him “extra money” over the bit I left for groceries in case they needed anything after I spent $400 in groceries before I left.


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Why do you even let this user in your life. I suggest you insist he help you pay for a baby sitter/child minder or whatever suits on a regular basis so that you get a break. You need one regularly. If he cannot help with his time, he must help with his money. It's like he is subcontracting out his time. A qualified minder may be so much better.

Dont expect him to think of you, this is why he is your ex.
 

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To the other posters, thank you for your comments and concerns.

I know he is a bad parent, he knows he is a bad parent, my kids know that he is a bad parent.

I have tried for years to disentangle our lives, but he wont move on and every time I try to, something seems to happen.
I think I find someone decent, and something goes wrong. It is usually my kids scaring them away, or my inability to do anything or go any where.

He wont watch them so I can go out. That is when he is usually “too busy”. When I do manage to go out (sneak out), my phone rings constantly because my one kid calls me constantly. I cannot turn my phone off in case there is an emergency....there are generally 3-4 incidents per week. If I have someone over, I have no privacy from them.

I know why they are like that...they do not want to see me hurt (abusive relationships) and they believe that their fathers behaviour is a result of my breaking up with him (he always lacked the capacity to have a discussion behind closed doors...they were always him screaming in my face and not caring who was watching, so you can imagine what they heard, especially after I first broke up with him).

It is hard being a single parent. I guess I am still a bit angry because we made them together and him being able to do what he wants while I have to clean up the messes strikes a nerve some days.


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Couple things:
1) You need to be the parent and stop letting your kids dictate how you live your life (This includes with whom you choose to see)
2) Your Husband (poor muffin he is) needs to man up and be a father.
3) You need to stand your ground and take time for yourself or you will end up bitter and beaten down.
4) Your husband should not be in your house any more. He is an EX.
5) Your husband needs to take the kids so you can have some time to yourself. He doesn't like it, then he can pay for services to come in and help you. He can put up or shut up.
 

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This guy helps you with appointments and such?? You are divorced from eachother = independence from eachother. It's not your business what he does in his life. Whatever arrangements exist with the children are there, he is not obligated to anything more than that.

I've been divorced from my first wife for ten years. I have the kids 50 per cent of the time (they are older now so custody is no longer an issue). When I didnt have them my time was MY time, barring an emergency of course. It was none of her gdamn business if I took a vacation as it never interfered with my visitation. The only time I would let her know was if I planned on bringing the kids with me. In a divorce that's how it goes, you are no longer together, get used to it. If hes a crappy parent oh well, that's on him.
 

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The dynamic that you have with our ex is harming you and your children. It is extremely unhealthy.

He is behaving badly and you are enabling this bad behavior. You cannot make him do what is right and you cannot change him, but you can make other arrangements. I realize that your life is difficult, but it is what it is. Now is the time to make a plan for how you are going to stop this unhealthy dynamic between the two of you and how you are going to make it work without him. It may take a couple of years to be in a healthier place, but you will never get their if you don't make a plan and implement it.
 
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