I look through the posts here, and I feel like there are so many spouses here who have gone through so much more than I have, yet they still have so much love for their spouses and want to make it work. How come I feel so checked out? What's wrong with me??
Here's our back story, as fast and honestly as I can do it: things were never perfect, but I was truly in love with him when we got married. People always commented on what a cute, happy couple we were (I'm very affectionate, so there's always been lots of hugging). Of course, there were always problems, too. I'm HD, he was always LD. I still remember crying myself to sleep the first time I put on a sexy black lace bra and thong set and he rolled over and went to sleep.
I was always fixated on the idea that I could do everything by myself, and then we had kids. The biggest issues that came from that time were that I needed more conversation and affection from him (I'm very needy, I get that. My whole "I can do it all, I don't need any help!" was really "I need so much !!" When I take the emotional needs tests, I have like, 8 strong needs).
When I asked him for anything, he just never ever did it. He wouldn't help me get sleep when the kids were small (our second daughter has some sensory issues, and she was still waking up 5-10 times per night at 3. I very nearly had a nervous breakdown from the lack of sleep. I cried and begged him to take the kids out of the house so I could and he said sure, and then just didn't)
There are tons of examples of this. On top of that, he would frequently lie, and occasionally say things that are just frankly irrational. Because of family history, I started to fear that he has dementia. He was tested, and that's uncovered a whole host of processing disorders plus memory problems, but not dementia.
So, now we're trying to put things back together. Or at least, I'm trying to put things back together. I know I'm still reeling from the lack of sleep and near-nervous collapse, so maybe I just need to give us more time? But I look at him and I just feel so ANGRY that he did that to me... and I wonder if this is fixable any more??
I'm sorry to vent here. Our kids are still very small, I'm still exhausted (plus dealing with some health issues, making me even more tired and foggier), and we're under a ton of stress right now. The fear that it was dementia was just awful.
What if I never want it to work? What kind of person can go from loving someone to not wanting to be near them??