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Discussion Starter #21
Why do you love a man who treats you like such crap? And I’m sorry but saying he makes you happy is you deluding yourself so you stay put and don’t have to go through the drama it takes too het out of your miserable situation.


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Thank you for your reply. I honestly never thought about what you just said: that I’m using him making me happy as an excuse to not have to deal with the drama of us not being together. I do love him and I notice when he tries and cares about me and shows it in his small ways. He isn’t always affectionate but when he is, he pays attention, listens, and tries to be supportive.
 

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Discussion Starter #22
You pay the bills? What does he do?
What do they attack you about?
Why would you have to put up with that disrespect and lack of care and love?
Any man who puts his family before his wife is not worth remaining married to.
Kick his ass to the kerb, get a good lawyer and leave him for dust.

Please remember you teach people how to treat you. the more you take it the worse it will be, you sound quite strong, put a stop to this.
This is not going to get better, your H and your inlaws sound like trash!
Go get a good lawyer.
Thank you for your suggestion and taking the time to read/reply.

I do pay all the bills. My husband has not been working and he is looking but it’s hard. His family attacks me about the following:
  1. I’m not doing enough - They feel like I should be cooking more for my husband and act more like a wife (i cook but I work also... so we take turns cooking)
  2. They dont like that I ask my husband where he is going when he leaves the house
  3. They call me insensitive because he is still grieving the death of his father and I wouldnt let him continue to talk down to me. (After the death of his father...I stayed shut, he took to drinking and I was the only person saying something. He would end up hospitalized and his family would continue to allow him to drink himself to death. He always came home drunk and I was the one who had to deal with the yelling, and the name calling. I dealt with everything and stayed shut because his father died. But that day when his family was attacking me and asking so many questions, i didn’t stay shut...so therefore, im insensitive)
  4. I ask for too much (I just want him to kiss me or hold my hand once in awhile)
 

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Discussion Starter #23
Why do you care how it will look. Stand up for yourself, you are worth so much more than being treated like this. If you cannot do it now, get some counselling or therapy to build your self esteem first then deal with them.
Thank you
 

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Your husband talks down to you, makes you feel less than, doesn't stick up for you, adds fuel to the fire, etc. Did that start before or after his dad's death? Before or after covid?
 

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Discussion Starter #25
You need to stop putting up with this, and yes, you are allowing your husband and in-laws to walk all over you. It's time to stand up for yourself and put your foot down.

I think you also need to take off the rose colored glasses. You cannot have a great, happy marriage with a husband like this. Those are not the actions of a loving man.
Thank you for your reply. This statement: “Those are not the actions of a loving man.” really makes me wonder and think about the situation differently. I thought that his family doing this “interventions” (idk what else to call it because they just come to my house without my invitation and tell me everything I’m doing wrong as a wife) meant that they cared about us and wanted us to get better
 

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Discussion Starter #26
Your husband talks down to you, makes you feel less than, doesn't stick up for you, adds fuel to the fire, etc. Did that start before or after his dad's death? Before or after covid?
After his dad’s death he has been talking down to me, started being distant, adds fuel to the fire for little things & after COVID and losing his job he stopped sticking up for me, he just started complaining to his brother and his brother’s wife about me which is why they started coming over and having these “interventions” and I would just feel attacked. A lot of the time I would come home from work and they would just be here and I hate it because I would have to work the next day but it’ll be like 3am and all i’m hearing is how much I suck...just hours and hours of discussions and arguments of how much i suck, how i have potential and me defending myself
 

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Okay, that is totally unacceptable. You should not be putting up with that at all.

They are doing this because they are toxic, they are bullies and (whether intentional or not) your husband encourages it. He is ****-talking you to his family and of course they will believe him. IMO, he is trying to take the focus of himself and his problems and put them onto you.

So, assuming your husband did not act like this prior to his father's death, he really needs to see a therapist. He is clearly struggling and hasn't processed the grief. Then COVID would have made his mental health issues worse. Instead of attacking you, his family should be encouraging him to get help, but they sound very toxic.
 

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Discussion Starter #28
Okay, that is totally unacceptable. You should not be putting up with that at all.

They are doing this because they are toxic, they are bullies and (whether intentional or not) your husband encourages it. He is ****-talking you to his family and of course they will believe him. IMO, he is trying to take the focus of himself and his problems and put them onto you.

So, assuming your husband did not act like this prior to his father's death, he really needs to see a therapist. He is clearly struggling and hasn't processed the grief. Then COVID would have made his mental health issues worse. Instead of attack you, his family should be encouraging him to get help, but they sound very toxic.
I completely agree that he has not processed his father’s death and although he stopped drinking after the last hospitalization (he was hospitalized and the doctor kept saying that he could of died. I felt horrible and I couldnt cry or scream. I felt so upset because I wld tell him to stop and everyone wld just encourage his behavior...at the end I ended up looking bad and controlling [this is why im concerned about how I will look]. But I was so so scared. It’s scary when a doctor is saying “you could of died” and when you see that your husband has been hospitalized more than once and u didnt know. I wanted to scream because apparently it wasn’t the first or third time he was hospitalized. The nurses would just pass by him and say “it’s that guy again”) he hasn’t found a way to grieve. I suggested therapy/counseling. This isn’t something he is interested in doing.

Thank you for sharing your opinion and taking the time to read/reply 🙏
 

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For relatability's sake... I think I'm a couple years older than you and have been with my wife for 17 years (started dating at 17). My family HATES my wife, always have. Up until two years ago they didn't have a good reason for that, just didn't like her. When we were teenagers they were nice to her in the same way your in-laws were but they didn't like her and over the years that "niceness" vanished. When I had issues after a loss my family coddled me but my wife gave me some tough love, they hated her more for that. She found me passed out in the yard or in a puddle of my own puke more than once. That was a decade ago but there are similarities in your story and mine.

Chances are his family will never like you but they DO need to respect you. If they don't, they need to be cut off. Simple as that. My parents are no longer allowed on my property if my wife is there. No one should be waiting to be ambushed in their own home. They are not allowed to talk to her and she blocked their numbers. It wasn't always that way... I definitely encouraged them to hate her sometimes, I let things slide and I didn't stand up for her until it got REALLY bad. Your husband should be standing up for you. Right now he is failing as a husband.

Honestly, I think you need to give him some more tough love... but you have to be prepared to follow through with it.

My wife tried to get me to go to therapy for years and years. I didn't want to and refused to go. Eventually it got bad enough that she gave me the ultimatum of go to therapy and do it properly, or divorce. At first I stomped my feet and didn't want to do it, then when I saw she wasn't backing down from that I took it seriously. It didn't really last because she started slacking so I knew I could too, I guess.

The point is, you have to be ready and willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. Right now he doesn't have any reason to change... you're putting up with this crap and showing him it's okay to treat you this way. You need to give him reason to change. If he refuses, then you NEED to file for divorce and follow through. It can always be stopped later (or you can re-marry) if he opens his eyes but you can't make a "threat" and not follow through with it. And yeah, his family will hate you more for it but you know what? **** them.

Don't look at it like an ultimatum. It's not, it's you setting boundaries.
 

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My husband and I have been together for a long time. However:
  • I am exhausted of trying with his family and being cast out (it sucks because I have been with my husband longer than his brother has with the mother of his kid (fiancée ) ... she has called the cops on his brother - her fiancé - multiple times ... 😑).
  • I’m tired of being spoken to like trash (by my husband)
  • Althought I love my husband ... I just don’t feel like I want to be with him anymore.
  • feeling like everything is always my fault
  • feeling like I’m a horrible wife (my husband says things that make me feel as if im less than)
Overall he makes me happy and I genuinely still love him.

I feel even worse because I don’t know why I’m hated. I feel like once I became his wife his family has done a complete 180. Everything I do and do not do is questioned. If i want a child (we do not have children) and if so by when.

Is it wrong for me to want a divorce because of this? Is this just a phase or something that happens in every marriage?

Thank you 🙏 in advance for your advice/suggestions/input.
Your H needs to be the man and correct the issue with his family that makes you feel like an outcast. Furthermore, your H is disrespecting you with speaking to you like trash. This is noticed by his family and they follow suit. Tell you your to man the hell up and be a H. If your H has a problem with that show your H the door.
 
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I've been married 13 years. Have 3 kids together. I feel as tho im only here for the kids and i dont know what to do for the best.
I feel happier when its just me and the kids or when im alone.
Wife doednt work as she is my carer due to me being disabled. Last week she locked me out of the house ( its not our house. We are renting it). I stayed in the car most of the day as i had nowehere to go and then i went to stay the night at my mums as she threw a bag of my stuff outside.

The next day the kids wanted me to go for dinner. I have been here since. But she still treats me like crap. And i know i could do better. But its the thought of leaving the kids. I dont know what to do for the best.

I dont know how to tell her i want out. As everytime i try to talk to her she always shuts me down and blames everything back on me and she cant see that anything is wrong.
 

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Discussion Starter #32
For relatability's sake... I think I'm a couple years older than you and have been with my wife for 17 years (started dating at 17). My family HATES my wife, always have. Up until two years ago they didn't have a good reason for that, just didn't like her. When we were teenagers they were nice to her in the same way your in-laws were but they didn't like her and over the years that "niceness" vanished. When I had issues after a loss my family coddled me but my wife gave me some tough love, they hated her more for that. She found me passed out in the yard or in a puddle of my own puke more than once. That was a decade ago but there are similarities in your story and mine.

Chances are his family will never like you but they DO need to respect you. If they don't, they need to be cut off. Simple as that. My parents are no longer allowed on my property if my wife is there. No one should be waiting to be ambushed in their own home. They are not allowed to talk to her and she blocked their numbers. It wasn't always that way... I definitely encouraged them to hate her sometimes, I let things slide and I didn't stand up for her until it got REALLY bad. Your husband should be standing up for you. Right now he is failing as a husband.

Honestly, I think you need to give him some more tough love... but you have to be prepared to follow through with it.

My wife tried to get me to go to therapy for years and years. I didn't want to and refused to go. Eventually it got bad enough that she gave me the ultimatum of go to therapy and do it properly, or divorce. At first I stomped my feet and didn't want to do it, then when I saw she wasn't backing down from that I took it seriously. It didn't really last because she started slacking so I knew I could too, I guess.

The point is, you have to be ready and willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. Right now he doesn't have any reason to change... you're putting up with this crap and showing him it's okay to treat you this way. You need to give him reason to change. If he refuses, then you NEED to file for divorce and follow through. It can always be stopped later (or you can re-marry) if he opens his eyes but you can't make a "threat" and not follow through with it. And yeah, his family will hate you more for it but you know what? **** them.

Don't look at it like an ultimatum. It's not, it's you setting boundaries.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your experience and relating it to mine.

I read your post a few times and I’m not sure if I’m “okay” or “fine” with his family not liking me and not being okay with us (I worry about how they will treat our future children). I’m also not okay with him having to distance himself from his family (they are so close and I do not want to be the person who causes him that level of pain).

Thank you again for your response, it gave me a lot to think about.
 

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Discussion Starter #33
Your H needs to be the man and correct the issue with his family that makes you feel like an outcast. Furthermore, your H is disrespecting you with speaking to you like trash. This is noticed by his family and they follow suit. Tell you your to man the hell up and be a H. If your H has a problem with that show your H the door.
Thank you for your response.
 

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I think he’s just going through a lot. He isn’t working and having to constantly be at home because of the quarantine and the coronavirus ... I think this gets to him also.
AND this is why you are in this situation in the first place. He needs to get off his ass and get a job and pull his weight or do something useful at home, start a business something! D'ont now start to make excuses for his terrible behaviour. The majority of the world is in lockdown, many people have lost their jobs, that is no excuse to treat you bad and bite the hand that feeds him. He is an ungrateful piece of work. Remember that!
 

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After his dad’s death he has been talking down to me, started being distant, adds fuel to the fire for little things & after COVID and losing his job he stopped sticking up for me, he just started complaining to his brother and his brother’s wife about me which is why they started coming over and having these “interventions” and I would just feel attacked. A lot of the time I would come home from work and they would just be here and I hate it because I would have to work the next day but it’ll be like 3am and all i’m hearing is how much I suck...just hours and hours of discussions and arguments of how much i suck, how i have potential and me defending myself
He sounds like he has a drinking problem. Are you Indian originally? Start recording these blow-ups. It sounds like the family do not actually know what you have to go through when noone is around. Record him and share it with them. That will shut them up, then tell them if they are not going to help to stay the f*** away or you will be telling all the extended family and your family too. Shame can be a great motivator as saving face is very important. Dont let this slide.
If he is a drinker then you have a much bigger problem on your hands than his putting you down.
 

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So you are working and he isn’t? And he is allowing his family to treat YOU badly?

why aren’t you divorcing him? You are supporting a man who is very unkind to you!!

you may say you love him... but why do you lives man who abuses you? A man who allows his family to abuse you? That is NOT right!!!

get out! You make the money... stop making excuses for his very bad behavior! He ALLOWS his family to abuse you! That is not love! It may be all you know but it’s not right!
 

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Discussion Starter #38
So you are working and he isn’t? And he is allowing his family to treat YOU badly?

why aren’t you divorcing him? You are supporting a man who is very unkind to you!!

you may say you love him... but why do you lives man who abuses you? A man who allows his family to abuse you? That is NOT right!!!

get out! You make the money... stop making excuses for his very bad behavior! He ALLOWS his family to abuse you! That is not love! It may be all you know but it’s not right!
Thank you for reading and responding. Right now, we have an appointment for therapy and just hopefully speaking with a professional can help us and him.

I am not trying to make excuses for him or them, but I myself try because I love my husband and I want us to work this out. I also try because then I'll know that at least I tried. I think not trying and just leaving would hurt me later as I would wonder if I did enough.
 

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You’ve done enough!

when anyone has to endure constant abuse to stay in any relationship - it should have ended long ago!

stop trying to make it work and just end it knowing it was over long ago!

you can’t make him change... you have to be the one that changes it!
 
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