Joined
·
21 Posts
I started reading some posts on this site and instead of looking for a similar situation as mine decided to just post. Thank you all for reading this.
To understand my current issue, you must understand my history. My wife has a history of emotional affairs; she confessed she had one when she was married to her ex-husbend when we met and several with me. The first was during a very rough patch in our relationship and while i found some very sexual text messages, she claims it was never physical. During this incident I found out she had a year prior (when our relationship was ok) had a brief flirting with a co-worker. We managed to patch up our relationship to the point where we got married and bought our first home together. I still remember how it felt when i finally forgave her and began trusting her again. The feeling of love was so strong.
Anyways, that love set me up for a great fall. My work ipad was synced to our itunes account. A imessage was received from my neighbor (i thought was a friend) asking how she has been, and her responding with "sorry it has been so long, i have been busy". I never found any more evidence, she covered her tracks well. But after considering those few messages for a week while my insides were torn to pieces I knew that I was right. When I accused her of cheating on me with the neighbor my conviction was so strong she just confessed to an inappropriate sexting relationship. She tried to make it sound like it was a one time mistake that lead to him pursuing her and she didnt know how to make it stop. I wanted to believe her but in the months afterwards in my healing process of asking her questions she let it slip that the sexting was selfish of her and she should have been thinking of me and the kids. I take this as she enjoyed it, misses it, and only guilt for her kids made her stop.
This was about a year ago. Finally I started to feel like I was forgiving here and moving on. I have had my doubts and some inklings over this last year but I passed it off as me just learning to trust again from being destroyed. Which brings me to where I need advice.
A few days ago I just had an overwhelming urge to look on her phone and read her Facebook. I am barely on facebook myself and she has always said she mostly likes to read what is on the community. I immediately notice that she posted a photo at a time of day that she should be running errands, picking up our child from daycare, or going to the gym. It is not a time of day that should normally would be posting selfies (this is rare, she has few posts). In addition to this facebook post, this is a night she was at the gym until 6:30pm, she gets off work at 3:30. But then I dig further. She has a bunch of work friends, male and female commenting how beautiful she looks with a bunch of likes. She never talks about work friends, only one. She makes it sound like she only every spoke with 1 co-worker. I find out that her friend list is private (I am not a friend despite my request) and she does not display a marital status. I also discover that one of her co-worker is a twenty something male. She has NEVER mentioned that since 2015 she has been working around him. I even found a casual message on messenger between him and her. It is innocent (personal to him) but it looks like beginning of the conversation was either deleted, or was started in person. I just cant get over never hearing about his existence. For the past month or so she has been really focused on going to the gym, I now wonder if it was for different reasons.
I apologize for the rambling, I usually a better writer than this. I don't think i have it in me to do a full investigation and bide my time. I don't want to be the over jealous type and watch her every move, what is the point of a marriage if this is necessary? Even with such little evidence I feel so crushed and sick to my stomach. Am I blowing this way out of proportion?
Should I just take her phone right in front of her and go through it?
To understand my current issue, you must understand my history. My wife has a history of emotional affairs; she confessed she had one when she was married to her ex-husbend when we met and several with me. The first was during a very rough patch in our relationship and while i found some very sexual text messages, she claims it was never physical. During this incident I found out she had a year prior (when our relationship was ok) had a brief flirting with a co-worker. We managed to patch up our relationship to the point where we got married and bought our first home together. I still remember how it felt when i finally forgave her and began trusting her again. The feeling of love was so strong.
Anyways, that love set me up for a great fall. My work ipad was synced to our itunes account. A imessage was received from my neighbor (i thought was a friend) asking how she has been, and her responding with "sorry it has been so long, i have been busy". I never found any more evidence, she covered her tracks well. But after considering those few messages for a week while my insides were torn to pieces I knew that I was right. When I accused her of cheating on me with the neighbor my conviction was so strong she just confessed to an inappropriate sexting relationship. She tried to make it sound like it was a one time mistake that lead to him pursuing her and she didnt know how to make it stop. I wanted to believe her but in the months afterwards in my healing process of asking her questions she let it slip that the sexting was selfish of her and she should have been thinking of me and the kids. I take this as she enjoyed it, misses it, and only guilt for her kids made her stop.
This was about a year ago. Finally I started to feel like I was forgiving here and moving on. I have had my doubts and some inklings over this last year but I passed it off as me just learning to trust again from being destroyed. Which brings me to where I need advice.
A few days ago I just had an overwhelming urge to look on her phone and read her Facebook. I am barely on facebook myself and she has always said she mostly likes to read what is on the community. I immediately notice that she posted a photo at a time of day that she should be running errands, picking up our child from daycare, or going to the gym. It is not a time of day that should normally would be posting selfies (this is rare, she has few posts). In addition to this facebook post, this is a night she was at the gym until 6:30pm, she gets off work at 3:30. But then I dig further. She has a bunch of work friends, male and female commenting how beautiful she looks with a bunch of likes. She never talks about work friends, only one. She makes it sound like she only every spoke with 1 co-worker. I find out that her friend list is private (I am not a friend despite my request) and she does not display a marital status. I also discover that one of her co-worker is a twenty something male. She has NEVER mentioned that since 2015 she has been working around him. I even found a casual message on messenger between him and her. It is innocent (personal to him) but it looks like beginning of the conversation was either deleted, or was started in person. I just cant get over never hearing about his existence. For the past month or so she has been really focused on going to the gym, I now wonder if it was for different reasons.
I apologize for the rambling, I usually a better writer than this. I don't think i have it in me to do a full investigation and bide my time. I don't want to be the over jealous type and watch her every move, what is the point of a marriage if this is necessary? Even with such little evidence I feel so crushed and sick to my stomach. Am I blowing this way out of proportion?
Should I just take her phone right in front of her and go through it?
