I think your daughter has to be your first priority. I know if one of my children even hinted at what your daughter told you, my husband would never have unsupervised access to any of my children again, no question, no excuses, never.
I think I would be very, very careful how you approach this. I would say that the contact with the OM whilst supportive isn't what you need right now and that should be side stepped until you have dealt with your husband. Your obviously have been through a lot recently and are in a vunerable state whether you admit it or not. It would be nice to rely on another human being but you need to prove to yourself that your strong enough to stand up not just for yourself but for your daughter. You mentioned a lot about the other man but your daughter and her well being needs to be your number 1 priority, no man, no matter how kind and supportive can come between you and your child right now.
Take your strength from the fact that you do believe your daughter, I dont believe 3yr old kids would make that kind of thing up so please take her seriously and do all you can to make sure she is never left alone with her father.
I dont envy your situation, it must be very difficult. You know, personally, I wouldnt care if I got it wrong. A doubt, any doubt would be enough for me. I have 8 kids and dont think my husband has ever bathed any of my kids thats just a thought.
There must be some way you can limit your husbands access to your daughter and i would climb over hot coals until I found it. If your husband really is innocent he should be understanding and bending over backwards to help your daughter.
I'm assuming you and your husband are still together??
Your right, daughter is priority but I cant figure how you would ever be able to relax with your husband still living n your house. Its an accusation you will never forget. Its sad that your daughter chose to tell a teacher before she told you. I have never had any abuse within my family but have a friend whos daughter was and have a habit of talking to all of my kids when they're having there baths, its done in a kind joke way but they get the message of what and who is acceptable. The only acceptable one is and always has been me, from the minute they are out of nappies. Why if she was only with him 1 day did he feel it necessary to bathe her? Different families have very different routines. Some its a any parent will do, my own take is dirty kids are my responsibiliy, my time for 1 to 1 talk and my 3 ,4 and 5 yr olds love that.
keep in touch and let me know how things are going. Stay strong and focussed but you will have to begin to draw back from this, find a place where it sits comfortably. I cant tell you what to do about your husband except to say, trust is a fragile thing. My children are the only beings above myself and I wouldn't hesitate in being over protective if I thought I had too. Your daughter will soon learn the understanding of whats acceptable and whats not. Building up a great relationship with her will see you through a lifetime. We do listen with our ears. Its the hearing with the heart thats the tough challenging part sometimes. You have an instinct with your daughter, listen to it and act on it....