And if you asked these "asexual" folk if they were in a happy marriage, or if their marriage was a success, how would they answer? I'll bet an astounding percentage would be in the happy or successful camp. Despite a very different answer from their partner, whose view simply doesn't seem to figure in.Regarding the bolded, both. I know women who have decent sex drives, but not for the men they are/were married to. I know others who simply think sex is either kind of stupid/pointless/silly/meh and are quite happy to have sex as infrequently as possible.
Most people aren't going to identify as asexual. That doesn't mean they have a healthy libido or long for and crave sex.
"I'm not asexual! I just don't feel the need for it more than a couple times a year."
"I'm not asexual! I just prefer getting my sexual needs met through masturbation rather than partnered sex."
I'm sure there are some who are wired in such a way that the "asexual" category is a very sad thing state of affairs for them, centering on a sex problem. But for many, I think that's letting them off the hook too easily. It's not a "sex" problem, it's a living-in-their-own-world problem. There's a lack of empathy or possibly an unspoken & severe aversion caused by trauma. Or perhaps a total and complete lack of understanding what it means to be in a (romantic) relationship, much less married.
I keep coming up with the most inane comparisons, yet I think they're valid. I don't like doing much of anything in the kitchen, especially cleaning up. Or mopping floors. I avoided it for years. UNTIL... until I didn't. Until I realized that this was time I could spend with my wife, reducing her burden, making her happier, talking with her, just being with her. And today? I look forward to working with her in the kitchen (not cooking; she'd never let me do that, for good reason!). I enjoy it. Because it means something to her. It means something to us. And I enjoy it
Why the emphasis on every single time? Because it came up in a discussion with my wife the other day, the progression of our sex life from resentful (on her part) to willing to, if we can really get there, desire. And she said, she thinks she's there, because *most* days we have sex, she gets the connection it offers me, she understands that it makes things better for both of us. The other days, she's "willing." And I explained to her, regarding the kitchen stuff, that I can be dead tired, I could be sick even, I could have a thousand things on my to-do list, and it doesn't matter. I want to be in that kitchen with her, helping clean up.
It's a decision I made. Once I made that decision, it didn't take me months and months to ease into it, or get better at it. I never looked back. I agree again, the comparison seems nuts, but I desire to be helping her in the kitchen. Because it brings us together, because it's something I'm doing for her, that she appreciates. That last part.
That's key. Because our partners may get into this thing of all the stuff they do *for* us, but they're not thinking about what their partner would find special. Rather, it's whatever's within their own comfortable basket of talents that they're willing to offer up. It's not based on anything you desire. It's based totally on their own way of thinking, something they might willingly do for anyone.
What I do is look for things that SHE will appreciate. Not the "What about how hard I work so you can have the nice things you want?" type of thing, because then it's all about me, not her.