Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 15 of 15 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
91 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Need Advice...
My husband told me in September that he felt we were more best friends then husband and wife. We went to MC about 4 times, but nothing came of it. We have both been so miserable. I am really trying, him not so much...
I will tell him he looks nice today and he says "I know..."
I do believe he is despressed, but even so it is so hard living with someone who is so miserable. About 3 weeks ago he told me he isn't happy around me, ect...I asked him why he was still here (meaning our home, ect) and he just said I don't know....

I don't want to tell him to leave, I want this marriage to work. I feel like if he wants to leave and give up then it has to be on his concious, not mine, but at the same time I am so sad. I want my old husband back.

He was the BEST before all this came out and now he is like a stranger.

FYI: There is no other person, I know of this...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,508 Posts
Well 4 visits to MC will do nothing for you. You need to go once a week at least for a period of time and then you can taper off.

I know your saying you know that he has no one else. But I would have said the same thing on Sept 24, 2012. Of course on the 25th I changed my tune.

End result you can't go to the doctor and keep saying " I don't feel good" no matter where the doc pokes or prods. Because nothing will get fixed.

If you or him I should say wants to get fixed then he needs to speak up to you or to a professional.

This is something where he will have to go to the MC solo and then you both together. So at least twice a week.

Marriage isn't autopilot, its a worn house that always needs some sort of work.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
107 Posts
Hi There,

I just went through something similar to this and it ended in divorce, her wanting it not I. I say that so I can tell you maybe how to avoid that. Long story short, we were best friends for six years, then were together for six years. She said, i just never got that feeling i should have , then cheated and lied, etc.. My point to all of this is, no matter who you are with, they will have problems, same problems, different problems, but nonetheless, problems. The question you and everyone needs to ask themselves in marriage is simply this..
Do I Love this person enough to be there for them at their worst??? Because Like I told my ex, If you can be their for me at my worst, you sure dont deserve my best....
Enjoy today like there is no tomorrow, dont take each other for granted and I will say this till the day I die.. You dont know what you got till its gone..
Find some common ground, what attracted you to each other at first? What did you two use to do?? Where did it start going downhill?? These are importnt questions to answer for yourself..
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
77 Posts
My point to all of this is, no matter who you are with, they will have problems, same problems, different problems, but nonetheless, problems. The question you and everyone needs to ask themselves in marriage is simply this..Do I Love this person enough to be there for them at their worst??? Because Like I told my ex, If you can be their for me at my worst, you sure dont deserve my best....
Enjoy today like there is no tomorrow, dont take each other for granted and I will say this till the day I die.. You dont know what you got till its gone..
Great comment. I'm definitely still sticking by him while he figures out what he needs to do to be happy.

Hi as30, remember me? ;) You sound like you are gonna lose your mind anytime now and ask him to move out... All I can say is DO NOT. He can't live like that forever and he will leave if he can't carry it any more. I don't remember if I told you but my H finally rocked the boat mid Jan and emailed me he wants to move out. I was sad but had a sense of relief to know it is finally going somewhere. I'm sure that's what you are waiting for too. But I waited. I almost broke down and asked him to leave mid Nov but didn't and I'm SO glad I didn't. I think I did my best the past few months to implement 180 anywhere I could so when he leaves he'll remember "new me"

I told you before but your H and I are very similar. They deal with the rejection in different ways but similar. (Your H is mad at you, mine is just flat out sad)

On a slight bright side he didn't mention D in the email like he did 4 months ago. Husbands like ours need to figure out to be happy on their own and then.. they can figure out if they can work on the m. I know it seems like a long time but I truly want him to be happy and I know pushing him for MC or kicking him out months ago would not have done any good for me.

If you goggle about sex rejection, you see how damaging it is to men. Their minds are probably more damaged than we could ever imagine. Give him time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
91 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
This is just SOO hard...My husband was always so loving towards me and he is just so BLA now. I miss being close to him and it hurts so bad knowing how much I took him for granted. We have MC tomorrow night and i am so sick about it. I am sick of hearing him tell me how unhappy he is, and he doesn't feel close to me any more, ect. I don't want him to leave, but I can't be the only one trying to make this work.

He is hopeless and it is so hard for me to continue to have hope. How can I love someone who doesn't love me?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
77 Posts
You really need to get yourself together. Every post you make toward saving this m is so negative and I honestly don’t know if you are getting anything from our support.

I may sound harsh but you really need it. What I always feel from posting a comment on your thread is I don’t get anything back. Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t see many thank you comments from you for people who post on your thread either.

You might as well cancel MC if you already think it’s going to be horrible. Which one of you initiated going to this therapist this time? Was it his idea or did you suggest it?

Believe as if he’s gonna open up someday and be loving even if you think he doesn’t deserve it. The bottom line is – is your marriage with the husband of over 10 years worth fighting for?
There’s not a day that goes by when I feel hopeless and even resentment for what I’m going through but this is my life lesson and I do believe my m is worth fighting for.

It’s only been 5 months for you since this happened. It may seem like a long time for you but just put yourself in his shoe for a second and think how long he had bared the sadness.

To me, you are really focusing on getting your happiness back and you don’t seem to care about his happiness. Again, correct me if I’m wrong but that’s the feeling I get from reading your posts.
NO ONE including you can make him feel certain way, only he can. Validate his confused feelings. Tell him you understand that he’s confused and hope he finds an answer. Tell him If that means he has to leave you’d understand.

I might have said harsh things but please know I wouldn’t have said those if I didn’t care. I would have just left this thread. Hang in there! I'm rooting for you :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
91 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thank you stillookingup, I did need to hear that. I am very happy for all the feedback. I think I am just sick of staying strong and happy, that this where I let all my negative feelings show.

Also, your right...I am focusing on only my happiness. I was the one who suggested mc. I am just anxious....:/
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
77 Posts
Trust me I know what you are going through. Like I said I often feel "I can't beleive he's putting me through this" but then I tell myself quickly we are worth fighting for.

Have you ever validated his confused feelings?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
91 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I have validated his feelings, but not so much all the time. When he said I don't make him happy I told him he needs to make himself happy....I asked why he was still here and he just said I don't know.

I don't feel he is cheating. I have very good intuition and he works and comes home. If he was cheating for this long, I am sure I would realize by now.

He just felt so bad for so long with rejection it changed him...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
77 Posts
Have you been doing anything different? We're you loving towards him before? Is the pain for the rejection the only reason he's closed off?

Did you really say the exact line? Did you tell him he needs to make himself happy? I personally wouldn't have said it that way. It sounds very controlling. Can you say something like you want him to be happy and whatever he decides to do to be happy, you'll support it? Remember my last post to you. Don't give him phrases like "you need to" "You are doing this" "you have to do this"

Are you reading any relationship books like Divorce Remedy, his needs, her needs, 5 languages of love? I really think you'll benefit a lot from those books to move center from you for a while.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
91 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Update:
We went to MC last night with his male therapist. I really liked him...I spent a lot of time crying and talking about things we have already talked about, ect

The therapist asked us both if we were willing to commit to therapy for a while. I said yes of course, H said "I don't know...."The therapist told my husband to be honest with himself and me and that if he didn't want to try then he shouldn't waste his or my time. My husband said yes and we are going to continue to go each Tuesday.

I do get the sense he is kinda done, but at the same time he knows that we have so much invested and it isn't like we are "breaking up" even if we divorce we have to be in each others lives forever.

Love is not a feeling, it is a commitment....

My H also said he is way more feeling at the end of this relationship then I am and I totally get that, but for whatever reason he hasn't left and has one ounce of wanting it to work, so for now, I will take it....

I really don't know how this is going to work out, but I am going to start really focusing on my own happiness and hope that helps with his/ours.

Thanks for all the support on here, I really really appreciate it with my whole heart.

A29
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
77 Posts
Aww hang in there. even if he seems done don't give up. Does his therapist think your H is depressed?

Be extra loving and caring even if you think he doesn't deserve it. That's one thing that seems to be working for my H. He's definitely less cold than 2 months ago.
 
1 - 15 of 15 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top