I'll try to keep this as short as I can. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and have 1 child together. He is a decent provider and father, but shows no interest in me at all. I stay at home with our child, which we both agreed is best for us. I do all the housework, cooking, taking care of our finances, childcare, etc. I always make sure he has clean clothes, nutritious meals, and whatever else he needs. He never asks me if I need help with anything, how my day has been, never compliments me, never shows me any token of affection. I have told him in the past how it makes me feel, and he says he is sorry I feel that way and leaves it at that. I try to keep it together for our child's sake, but I don't know how much longer I can stand this. Any advice from anyone? I have asked him to go to counseling, but he refuses.
So unhappy, any input appreciated
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ANOTHER walk-away. When are we going to DO SOMETHING about this? It's RAMPANT!!!
While you wait for someone who's NOT banging their head against the wall to answer, start reading some threads. Just keep reading. Ignore the titles. About half are by women who don't love their husbands any more. You are HARDLY alone. Quite the contrary, I think you're in the majority.
While you wait for someone who's NOT banging their head against the wall to answer, start reading some threads. Just keep reading. Ignore the titles. About half are by women who don't love their husbands any more. You are HARDLY alone. Quite the contrary, I think you're in the majority.
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slouise,
Your post does seem pretty lacking in feelings for your husband. Let's look at some of your quotes about him:
" He is a decent provider and father" - Not a bad thing to say in general but it ian't followed by something like "and I love him dearly". Think of it as if he described you as "She's a decent mother and houskeeper"
" He never asks me if I need help with anything, how my day has been, never compliments me, never shows me any token of affection" - Again, to turn the tables a bit here, what have yOU done to show him that you love him and DESIRE him? All your efforts of " I do all the housework, cooking, taking care of our finances, childcare, etc. I always make sure he has clean clothes, nutritious meals" are simply what any mother would do for their child.
I suspect he doesn't feel loved at all by you except for a mother's love for a child.
Was it always this way or were you two ever really hot for each other?
At one time, I loved him more than anything. I do still love him but it has faded quite a bit after years of not being reciprocated. There has been a lot of other things happen that I have not mentioned. We dated about 18 years ago for almost 2 years. I ended the relationship because he would not tell me he loved me or let me know if we had any future together. We would have a date planned and I would never hear from him only to later find out he went out with his friends instead. We started dating again about 7 years ago, because I still loved him and thought he had changed. All of his friends had married and he seemed to act like he was ready to settle down. Right off the bat, his brother and sister-in-law started spreading vicious, untrue rumours about me. He never stood up for me to them, but I overlooked that even though it hurt me very much. I have had friends of his family come up to me and tell me to keep my chin up, that his brother and sister-in-law are just troublemakers. A few months after the birth of our child, he had called me and I didn't make it to pick up the phone in time. He didn't realize my phone was recording him and I overheard him complaining to his students (he is a teacher at a tech college) how he had made it 40 years without being married and could still do without it. WOW, what a slap in the face! When I asked him about it, he became defensive and said he was just joking around. There has been a lot of other things over the years, but those are a couple of the most hurtful. So, yes, my love has faded some. Love can only go one way for so long. And yes, I have always showed him how much I loved him in any way I could think of. At this point, I feel like walking away.
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Again, showing him love through cooking, cleaning and taking care of the house and making sure he wears clean clothes is nice, but it's the same kind of love one could expect from a parent.
I'm in a similar situation with my own wife. I know she loves me and takes great care of me (like my mother would) but I just don't feel she desires me.
Sex is infrequent at best and my efforts to intiate are often times rejected. She's intiated maybe 2x in a year.
This lack of intiation isn't unsurmountable on my part but couple it with the rejection, it's not hard to understand why I try less and less and she doesn't seem to mind!
I'm in a similar situation with my own wife. I know she loves me and takes great care of me (like my mother would) but I just don't feel she desires me.
Sex is infrequent at best and my efforts to intiate are often times rejected. She's intiated maybe 2x in a year.
This lack of intiation isn't unsurmountable on my part but couple it with the rejection, it's not hard to understand why I try less and less and she doesn't seem to mind!
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Ok, you knew he wasn't the greatest guy before you married him, yet you married him anyway.
He's ~40 years old... do you expect him to change drastically now? He probably won't. You have pointed out what you need and guess what??? He hasn't changed.
You either have to figure out whether or not you can live with this level of interaction with him or how to leave the marriage.
You can try marriage counseling... maybe someone else telling him how he should behave in a living relationship might help. But I think individual counseling for you will help you sort out your options.
He's ~40 years old... do you expect him to change drastically now? He probably won't. You have pointed out what you need and guess what??? He hasn't changed.
You either have to figure out whether or not you can live with this level of interaction with him or how to leave the marriage.
You can try marriage counseling... maybe someone else telling him how he should behave in a living relationship might help. But I think individual counseling for you will help you sort out your options.
I know I was stupid for thinking he would change, but when you love somebody you always have that hope that it will work out. We are both in our mid 40's and I guess I am just tired of trying. I keep asking myself if I can spend the rest of my life feeling like this. Also, I worry about when my daughter grows up that she might settle for a relationship like this. I don't wish this feeling on anybody. I have asked him a few times about counseling, but he says they don't know anything and are a waste of time.
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This definitely doesn't seem healthy. When you talked to him about your requests to be appreciated, did he make an effort for a little while then stop? Or was there never any effort put forth on his part? I know from when my wife made this exact comment, and I started trying to make an effort, it seemed as if my actions made no difference to her. Her reasoning is that it takes time to heal, and she needs to see things getting better for a while to start trusting that we wont' be back where we were before she starts showing appreciation back. It isn't easy on either side unfortunately. It is hard trying to win someones trust back and feeling like the love and affection you are giving isn't coming back like you think it should be.
Unfortunately, both people need to want to change to make any changes lasting.
Unfortunately, both people need to want to change to make any changes lasting.
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Then go by yourself and let him know you are going. It will show that you are serious about doing something about the situation.
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I agree with this as well. This is what my wife did to show that this was finally the only thing that was going to work, since just saying we were going to change our ways didn't do anything.
Unfortunately for you, your husband is exactly the same way toward you that he was long before you married.
He's not that into you. He never was that into you.
You chose to overlook the blaring signs, and now you've just reached a point where you can no longer ignore his obvious lack of passion and connection to you.
Have you told your husband exactly how you're feeling?
Yes, I have told him how I feel and all he has ever said about it is that he is sorry I feel that way. He makes me feel like I am being completely unreasonable and stupid for feeling like I do. I have asked him about a trial separation and he says he is not leaving, that it's his house, even though he owns another home.
But this is his house, just as much as yours. With his stuff, his child, etc... If he leaves, then it can be considered abandonment of his property, leaving you in a better legal position if you end up divorcing.
If he has another house, is that house considered marital property? Why can't you move in there?
C
If he has another house, is that house considered marital property? Why can't you move in there?
C
It was his parent's home (they are both deceased) and he would never allow me to live in it. I'm not the kind of person that would try to take him to the cleaners if we did divorce. I have never wanted anything from him other than love and respect.
You're in a tough, tough situation.
The stay-at-home-mom job is finished, assuming you decide to leave. He doesn't have to leave the home, and since you are the disgruntled party the burden of leaving is on you.
Do you have any savings? Any family or friend who can help you financially transition out of this marriage? Are you educated? Do you have any work history outside of the home?
I have some college, but did not finish. I worked up until I had our child, but we did not have anybody we trusted to keep our child. His family does not acknowledge her, my parents are elderly and not able to keep a small child. Other than that, I have a very small family and group of friends and they all work and could not keep her. His mother stayed at home with him, so we felt like it was our best option at the time. He has money invested, I have no idea how much because he does not tell me anything. I have a small amount in savings, but I joined his bank account and there is not much in there either. I have only told one person about our situation, because I do not like to burden other people with my problems. That is why I turned to this website.
If you feel like you really most leave now, there are social services, and women/family shelters. There is also the option of seeing if your husband will help support you while divorcing, because some men do. You will very likely be given alimony during a divorce proceeding.
If you can endure staying longer, now is the time to implement a long term plan of exit. Get back into school, even if it's finishing your degree online; I know a few people who did that, and one of my best friends is getting his Masters online right now. Getting educated is going to give you a huge leg up for a better paying job, especially since your work history is likely not enough.
Try and land a part time job, if you can. How old is your child? Are you older, or younger? Those play a part.
Obviously it's in your best interest to be able to endure long enough so you can get your ducks all lined up in a row.
Your husband is not showing any sign that he is in love with you now, if he ever even was. But thank God he is a strong provider, and you don't have to worry about that right now.
It is time to make moves if you don't want to deal with the misery any longer. You don't have to waste your life in a bad marriage.
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