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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
If I hear that one more time...... How do you just move on? How? How do you get over 22 years of your life? Someone that you know better than yourself at times and the same for them. All the memories, the wedding day, the birth of two children. The dreams of a whole loving family. Someone please tell me.

To know that someone is walking the face of this here same earth, someone you love with all your heart. Someone you would die for in a second, yet they have decided that their life is better off without you in it. That nagging feeling that if you could just get them out to dinner for a couple hours, you could make them see the light that our marriage is worth more than how it ended. Of all people on this earth, I should hate her for guts and ever ( sorry, a phrase I used to say as a child ) but I cannot get her out of my mind. We have been divorced for over a year now.

People that say divorce life gets better and they are now happy, not sure I buy that. If there are children involved, divorce can no shape or form be a good thing. Even if abuse is involved, and yes D maybe the only option, it is still a sad deal.

I just do not understand how people move on from a divorce you did not want nor see coming. You are BEING told by another human being that your life will forever be different, your time with your kids will be cut in half, you are now moving out of this house, how you thought your life would be has all the sudden changed - and guess what, there is not a damn thing you can do about it.

Freak on a leash, time for one of them head smacks!
 

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That life was a falacy. That's YOUR reality but it was NOT HERS. she viewed your marriage quite differently. It sucks.

I know I did. Ex seemed surprised even after 3 years of asking him to stop hitting, criticizing, yelling and asking him to go to counseling. When he finally agreed I was already out, had a year-long lease signed and had found PEACE.

I know my daughter wasn't as happy but parents DO know best. I know she is better off not having the example of a marriage being a man who berates his wife, hits his wife, screams at her and criticizes her. My daughter THINKS she would have been be happier but since I lived that reality, I know better.

Eventually your wife would have been different and resentful. That's what your kids would see and remember.
 

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Yeah... I know that feeling.. sometimes the desire to speak or talk about concurrent problems or just a desire to vent about it, garners this all encompassing "spit up" of wisdom.. just move on!!
Well THANKS Einstein!!! That fixes it all!!!
 

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Movingon_ , I know you don't want to hear this, but it's really no different than having to move on if your spouse died. That forces your life into all kinds of different directions you never wanted, too. It really is no different. They are physically alive, but they are dead to us, the people they were when we married them (or presented themselves to be when we married them, depending) are dead and gone.

What is the alternative? What can a spouse in this situation do, if not move on? It only punishes the left-behind spouse, and especially any kids involved, to keep replaying how much this sucks and how much you never wanted it.

It does suck. Nobody's taking that away from anyone. It may be even more painful than actually losing a spouse to death, but it's a permanent loss just the same, and people deal with them. It takes will to do it, and it doesn't happen overnight. But if you want to have the best possible life from what is available to you now, then you have to make that decision to, in fact, just move on. It's really up to you whether it happens or not.

If you want to be healthy and eventually reach a level of happiness, at some point, you'll realize that this person that you would have died for didn't deserve that devotion you had for them. Done. Over with. Don't keep wasting your precious time, energy, love and everything else on someone who doesn't deserve it.

You only have this one precious life. LIVE IT!!!


(And I say this with understanding of where you're coming from. I've been there, too)
 

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I have to disagree a bit. I don't think its like a death, it is a loss, and the one who is left does need to continue living with out your former partner, but that partner chose to leave, not stay and try to work this relationship out. Not follow through on the commitment they made to marriage, not give their partner the credit for all the hard work and sacrifice that occurred during a long marriage. The spouse who died did not chose to leave. And I totally get the frustration of being told to stop doing certain things and move on. Its not over til you are ready.
 

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Stillhoping -- I did say that it may indeed be more painful in a way than a spouse actually dying, and what you refer to is exactly why. But the end result is the same. And we have more control over when we are ready than we think we do -- meaning we can also get in the way of our own healing. I'm sure many, if not all, of us have met an old person who is just angry and bitter over something that happened to them years before, or even in their childhood. This is a good example of someone who stood in the way of their own healing. At some point, we have to let it go, or else we will be miserable. Time does help, but only if we get out of the way and let it help.

I was in a long marriage after a fairly long (4 year) courtship.
We lived separately for over a year and a half, and my divorce was 2 weeks ago, on Valentine's Day. I fought for my marriage, in fact, did all those wrong things you're not supposed to do: begging for MC, starting IC immediately so I could fix myself and be worthy of him again, etc. In the end, it didn't matter. He checked out. We never went to a single MC session. Etc. Etc. Just like a lot of TAM members. I'm not belittling what anyone is going through here. Believe me. I've been there.

But you wanted a 2x4, and I'm trying to give you one, from the other side of where you are now. After a point, most of how you get through this is based on how YOU deal with it, not what your ex-spouse did to you. That's where my death analogy comes in. You can't undo it. So you have to...you know.

It's perfectly fine to vent and commiserate about what you're feeling and experiencing. But just a reminder that a.) people who haven't been through it don't understand what it's really like, and b.) what you're going through scares the hell out of someone who hasn't been through it, so they don't want to see your pain. It makes them feel vulnerable about their own marriages. That may also be a source of their 'just get over it' comments.
 

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I have to disagree a bit. I don't think its like a death, it is a loss, and the one who is left does need to continue living with out your former partner, but that partner chose to leave, not stay and try to work this relationship out. Not follow through on the commitment they made to marriage, not give their partner the credit for all the hard work and sacrifice that occurred during a long marriage. The spouse who died did not chose to leave. And I totally get the frustration of being told to stop doing certain things and move on. Its not over til you are ready.
Yep I agree. Ok fair enough if he's bashing her or she's abusing him , that [email protected] no way to be married.
But in many other cases it's pathetic the way people are dropping out of their family , their marriage , all the crap that partner went through for them.
Could be 5 yrs , 10-20 , yet one fks up for a couple of them and the other ones gone.
What good are vows , they mean nothing now , nothing.

If I ever go to get married again , well I just couldn't see the point actually, you may as well not bother.
 

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Freak on a leash, time for one of them head smacks!
The problem is: Your marriage didn't suck enough. It still took a 2 good years of separation before I actually DID move on. But it helped that I was the one who actually did the moving. By the time I got around to the actual divorce I was ready to throw a party and celebrate it. For years I've been wanting this!

I understand about the whole thing with the kids does make it difficult. especially if you have younger ones that aren't feeling good about it. Again, my kids are on board with it so it makes things easier. But 10 years ago it was the kids (as well as other stuff) that kept me in the marriage. I wouldn't want to be where I am to day with 2 kids age 8 and 5. It's much easier now.

Most people say to me when I tell them about the divorce: "Oh, I'm sorry". My line is "Well, I'm not!" I NEVER hear the "Just move on" line. ;)

So you need to change your delivery and not care so much what other people think or say.;)

There's your head smack: :slap:
 
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That life was a falacy. That's YOUR reality but it was NOT HERS. she viewed your marriage quite differently. It sucks..
THAT is so true! Whenever I do say how bad our marriage was my STBXH says "It wasn't so bad, we had many good times. I have no regrets". He even says he'd marry me again! :rofl:

All MY good times were when I got the hell out of the house away from him. Maybe if you put them all together we had a month of good times. If that.

No way would I marry him again. I view our anniversary as a "Day of Mourning". If I could go back in time I'd run away from hm so fast all you'd see is this blur.

Good thing I can't cuz I love my kids but I wouldn't do it again. NO WAY. From the minute we separated I didn't miss him. I was just hoping we could have a relationship and still be separated but even that didn't work. So now I'm done and happy to be that way.
 

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I find people saying move on to be dismissive and rude. They didn't live your life. I suspect they say that because your pain makes them uncomfortable.

People don't seem to be allowed to grieve any more than for a couple days and they are supposed to move on and get over it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thanks for the smack Freak. This maybe kinda long......

I am the youngest child of 9, yes nine. My parents have been married for 60+ years and still hold hands to this day. As a kid growing up, I loved sitting around hearing the stories of their younger days. How they met, how they got along with brothers and sisters in law, And yes, that is the correct way of saying it - it's not brother/sister in laws. There is only one law..... Anyway, I have always been a huge believer in family. I looked so forward to having my kids, and thier kids as well gathered around my wife and I years down the road and hearing " dad/grandpa, tell us how you and mom/grandma met...... I wanted so bad for this. People can move on all they want, be so glad to be out of a marriage, regret ever marrying that person but after divorce nothing is ever the same.

The two best days of my life by far are when my children were born. My third best day was our trip to Pearl Harbor. I am a huge history nut and I never been to place like Pearl. I will never forget the feeling I had that day. It was one of the most awesome experinces I have ever had. But you know what, I would NEVER go back. Nothing is as good the second time around. Same for my kids. When my daughter was born and they put her in my arms for the first time everyone in the room had to put on sunglasses because I was beaming so bright. I cried for an hour and could not stop. It was such a powerful feeling. Sad to say, when my 2nd child was born, it was not the same expereince. It was still AWESOME, don't get me wrong. But it missed the same level as the first go around as the first child.

I think it would be the same for a second marriage. I would be getting married again basically because my ex wife told me I had to. If it were up to me, I would still be married to her and would have NEVER thought about being with another woman. The whole idea of a blended family scares the hell out of me. I just do not see how people can make that work.

I think you get one true shot at marriage. Even if I were to marry a wonderful woman, and live happily ever after it still would not be the same. I never see me getting over the loss of my family, spliting time with my kids that I will never get back. They were with thier mother last night and I am laying in bed thinking... I have no idea what my kids had for dinner. Did they brush there teeth before bed? Did my son finish his homework? Did they play any silly games before bed? Did they have story time? Did my daughter sleep in her cute little pj's that I love so much? Did they get a good night kiss? Did my son not put up the seat and pee all over everything like he sometimes does? All these times I will never get back. And I have years to go on this. How long will it be before another man enters thier life as "dad"? Sorry to be such a downer but this sucks. No one ever promised me that life was fair, but damn does it have to be so cruel?
 

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Nighthawk: 30 years meant nothing. Exactly why I have Seal Team 5 on ready. In case I EVER show up to get married again.
 

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Movingon: Damn, you gotta get yourself a life on your own, apart from your kids! Eventually they are going to get older and get a life apart from you. What are you going to do then? Shrivel up and die? :scratchhead:

Your life won't be the SAME as it was. Why would you want it to be? It can be different AND good. Plan to do cool stuff when you do have your kids and get out and ENJOY the time you have on your own. Get some hobbies or something.

I love my kids but even when they were young I always was doing stuff apart from them. That was probably part of the problem. I took it to extremes. As much as I love my kids I've never been into the "parent" thing. In fact, I rather hated it. I like that my kids are older and more independent. Takes the pressure off.

No, I definitely wasn't cut out for either the marriage or parent scene. I just can't relate to how you feel. I miss my daughter who is at college but I got plenty to do on my own. When she comes home for a weekend or on break I'm often out doing stuff while she's here. In fact, this weekend I told her I would be out on a hike during the day on Saturday but we are going to do dinner that night. I live WITH my kids, not FOR them.

Believe me, the kids appreciate it, especially as they get older. My daughter tells me that a lot of her friends avoid coming home because their parent smother them and try to control them. She likes coming home here because I give allow her to have her space. Believe me, I can relate. I hate being smothered and controlled myself!

But I've always liked being on my own. I really did love it when my son was living with his father and I was truly living by myself. Now he's living here wtih me and I enjoy his company but when he's with his father I'm always glad to have the apartment to myself. Just enjoying the peace and quiet is awesome!

I'm weird. What can I say? :D

In the meantime, you gotta get out of the endless loop that you are in with regards to your marriage and kids and get some stuff to do on your own that you can enjoy and look forward to or else you are going to be one miserable dude.
 
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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Again guys, I cannot say enough how helpful everyone here is. It helps to read everyon else's stories. I think we all need to get together and take a shower.
 

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Again guys, I cannot say enough how helpful everyone here is. It helps to read everyon else's stories. I think we all need to get together and take a shower.
:rofl::lol: I shower alone. I hate when someone else takes all the water. :D

See? I was meant to be single. ;)
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Freak,
I know you are right. And I will move on someday. Believe it or not I have came a long way from where I was a year ago. I think I have said this before, but back in July I had a chance to R with her. She was willing to leave her job, change churches and even move to another town. But I declined. I know in my heart of hearts that getting back together would not work, it would never be the same. So I have excepted that the marriage is over and I do not want to get back with her. In fact, she sent me a text a week ago today asking if we could go out to dinner and talk. About what I am not sure, did not ask. Just told her it would not be a good idea. Maybe that is what's making it so hard on me. She has so many regrets but what has been done cannot be undone. I wish she would just move on and stop the crying. It gets me to thinking what if.......
 

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:rofl::lol: I shower alone. I hate when someone else takes all the water. :D

See? I was meant to be single. ;)

But how many kids have you got f and how old were they when you split ? Did they live with you or him then ?

When we were together I often thought I'm not much of a family man and a part time deal would suit me better. I do like my space and I often fought myself to be better at being married and a dad .

I was a great dad and still am but I just needed a bit more time out than the norm . Fkg got that alright !
But not this much , this hurts like all hell but she's got no complaints in that department of course , my daughter lives with her.
I'm the one that doesn't even know what it's like anymore to live with and wake up to everyday now , my own 11 yr old daughter.
And she has as much trouble with it as I do , it's bs so far. She's like me and likes her space too , even her friends get the chop for wks on end sometimes while she has some down time. Maybe when she's 16 or somem this won't matter then but I tell you what it does right now so I just don't know !
 

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But how many kids have you got f and how old were they when you split ? Did they live with you or him then ?
I have two kids. When we separated in December, 2010 my daughter was 16 and my son was 13. Both lived with me in my apartment at first. My daughter went to college this year. She's 18. My son went to live with his father last May and was there until last December 1.

I lived alone from this past September-December 1st and was rather content and happy to do so. But my alcoholic husband dropped the ball AGAIN and disrupted everyone's lives so my son is back with me and will be until he's at least graduated from high school.

When we were together I often thought I'm not much of a family man and a part time deal would suit me better. I do like my space and I often fought myself to be better at being married and a dad .

I was a great dad and still am but I just needed a bit more time out than the norm . Fkg got that alright !
That was pretty much my situation. I underestimated how much I would hate to be the mother and primary caretaker of young children. Why I had a second child is beyond me. :scratchhead:

I'm a good mother in some respects but as a caretaker I'm terrible. I don't much like little kids, especially toddlers. Not good.

And I don't like the lifestyle that goes along with marriage and parenthood. Oops. :slap:

Fortunately my husband DID like it and love being a father so he stepped in and was super-dad for my children until about 3 years ago, which is when he just fell apart and started drinking. Fortunately I was totally into being a parent of teenagers and had my act together so I took over. I guess it worked out..kinda/sorta.

I'm not one to look back and assign blame and go over it in my head. It happened, it's done and I have done a great job of picking up the pieces and being there for my kids now. Their father has done a great job of totally erasing all the good he did the first 15 years of their lives by totall fu*cking up the past 3 big time. When he goes on and on about what I did in 1998 I make sure to tell him that.

Thing is, you can't be something you aren't. If you aren't cut out for marriage/parenthood then you shouldn't do it. I tell my kids that all the time. My daugther is going through a situation where she wants to break up with her boyfriend because she doesn't want to be in a relationship while in college. She wants to have a good time and her boyfriend is a bit of a stick in the mud. Sounds a LOT like my marriage!

So she is planning to break up with him and feels guilty about it and I keep tell her not to be. Yes, the boyfriend is a wonderful guy and most girls would die to have him but he's not wonderful for HER. Sound familiar? And so it begins..

IMO this is all a training ground for real life and I dont want her to make the same mistakes I did. Never settle for what you think SHOULD be the right thing, do the right thing for YOU.

My son is a smart kid. He says "I want to be single and be free". :smthumbup: How awesome is that! I encourage him in that because I cannot imagine him married. No freakin' way! I can barely live with him and I'm his mother! :rofl:

Maybe when she's 16 or somem this won't matter then but I tell you what it does right now so I just don't know !
When your daughter gets older it should get better..provided she is a good kid. My kids are good. They aren't into bad stuff like drinking or drugs and I trust them. We have a good relationship. One thing my husband and I did right was raise them in a way that promoted that. Both of my kids are very independent and I've always encouraged that. IMO, you are parenting to teach your kids to be adults and live on their own. THAT is the goal of parenting.

My son is practically on his own as far as day to day. I have to get him off to school and be here overnight. Make sure he does his homework, etc. But he's pretty independent in most respects.

If I need to go out of town it's a problem so that's where I hope his father will come in. I need to go away on my trips for my "me" time...hiking, camping, kayaking, road tripping. It's what I do. His father wants to be involved in his life and takes him out a lot and is here to take him for weekends. That's my goal so I can get away.

So I've paid a price for that. I'm not dragging my STBXH's butt into court and suing him for child support. Everything has it's price.
 

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Freak,
I think I have said this before, but back in July I had a chance to R with her. She was willing to leave her job, change churches and even move to another town. But I declined. I know in my heart of hearts that getting back together would not work, it would never be the same. So I have excepted that the marriage is over and I do not want to get back with her. In fact, she sent me a text a week ago today asking if we could go out to dinner and talk. About what I am not sure, did not ask. Just told her it would not be a good idea. Maybe that is what's making it so hard on me. She has so many regrets but what has been done cannot be undone. I wish she would just move on and stop the crying. It gets me to thinking what if.......
I wonder if you are making a mistake here. Yeah, she strayed but if she really wants to reconcile would she be willing to go and do some counseling with you and try and figure out why she did what she did? Have you gotten any therapy yourself to deal with this?

You seem awfully miserable without her. I never missed being with my husband and feel my life is much better without him in almost all respects. You seem to be feeling the opposite. Maybe you should stop standing on principle and listen to your gut and heart more?

That doesn't mean move back in with her and remarry but at least think about it, especially if she is feeling truly regretful and wants to make some significant changes.

I'm one to wipe my feet off and keep walking away from dirtbags but maybe this is one situation where that might not be the case. My husband to the very end would go on and on about how horrible I was and how nothing he did was his fault but if your wife is truly repentent and wants to accept her role and fix things..well, that's an entirely different situation.

Think about it before you close the door on her entirely. Don't react out of anger or hurt just for the sake of doing so. Think about the things that would REALLY make you happy in your life. You sure as heck don't seem too happy now.
 
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