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Discussion Starter #1
So, I posted about it a little as the weekend progressed.

But to make a long story short, hubby and I had a huge blowout this weekend.

He started it, and was initially in the wrong. But I can see that my contributions only escalated things, and made them worse.

I'm VERY ANGRY at MYSELF for stooping to his level. I have mixed feelings about staying in this marriage. But right now I'm not prepared in any way, shape, or form to leave. I do love him, and desperately want things to work.

Hubby has some medical problems that pose a challenge to our intimacy. So, while we've both apologized for the wrongs of the weekend, I feel like we didn't really make up. This is making me panic. Hubby is at work, and I know it will do nothing but interrupt his day if I call...but I so badly just want to talk things through with him.

Problem is when stuff like this happens he does not want to talk about it, at all. He says, "why can't we just move on, stop talking about it". Maybe he's right, I don't know. I just feel so hurt by the words and actions of this weekend. I know time will eventually help this pain and panic I feel currently.

I'm wondering, Is it really best to just move on and NOT talk about our feelings with each other? (This has been happening throughout our marriage, and I think it has caused me to hold in a lot of hurt and anger). This has made me confused, and that makes it hard for me to just "move on" and act like nothing happened.

How do I just "move on" when I'm feeling so hurt? How do I reconnect with my man without sex or affection?
 

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I think you should wait until he gets home from work, let him get in and relax a little, then explain that you would like to talk about what happened over the weekend. I don't think his 'sweep things under the carpet' approach is healthy, so unfortunately, it seems it is up to you to initiate changing that approach.

If you start by saying you are angry at yourself for the things you said, I'm sure he will follow suit.

Hope things work out for you :)
 

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I think you should wait until he gets home from work, let him get in and relax a little, then explain that you would like to talk about what happened over the weekend. I don't think his 'sweep things under the carpet' approach is healthy, so unfortunately, it seems it is up to you to initiate changing that approach.

If you start by saying you are angry at yourself for the things you said, I'm sure he will follow suit.

Hope things work out for you :)
This....keep things calm and relaxed

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By all means, discuss with your H, but be careful not to get back into it with him (the fight). I have the same issue as you....H likes to rugsweep too. When I want to discuss things that we've argued about, I have to tread very carefully so that I don't get his back up. I have to reassure him that this is not the start of another fight. Even still, he tends to try and clam up. Very frustrating.
 

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My wife and I have a rule of thumb for arguments: if it was resolved don't bring it up again; if it wasn't feel free to.

So if you resolved what the argument yesterday was about, then cool off and don't bring it up again. If it wasn't resolved then bring it to your husband as objectively as possible. You will just get him defensive and argumentative if you start becoming angry or frustrated.

Also, talk with as much passive voice as possible.

Ex: "Last night upset me" vs "You upset me last night"
 

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Discussion Starter #7 (Edited)
My wife and I have a rule of thumb for arguments: if it was resolved don't bring it up again; if it wasn't feel free to.

So if you resolved what the argument yesterday was about, then cool off and don't bring it up again. If it wasn't resolved then bring it to your husband as objectively as possible. You will just get him defensive and argumentative if you start becoming angry or frustrated.

Also, talk with as much passive voice as possible.

Ex: "Last night upset me" vs "You upset me last night"

That's a good rule, not to bring up stuff that's been resolved.

The problem is that I don't feel that things are resolved, and I believe he feels that things are resolved. (I don't really know what he's feeling, because he just clams up, or gets angry if I try to discuss things) Even, If I start very passively, and apologize for my faults, he sighs, like he's annoyed, and says, "Come on, why do you keep bringing this up."
I feel stuck.

Maybe I need to give him more time too cool off....but then after so much time has passed, then I don't feel it's right to bring it up again. (muchoconfuso)
 

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Even, If I start very passively, and apologize for my faults, he sighs, like he's annoyed, and says, "Come on, why do you keep bringing this up."
I feel stuck.
Start with some complements:
"You really work hard ..."
"You are very strong when you ..."
" I like the way you ..."

Next tell him directly how you are feeling:
"I feel hurt when you say things like ..."

Then don't wait for an answer, start right back into the compliments:
" You know I really admire you when you ...."
"I'm really glad I have you around because you ..."

I think you're wanting him to hear you, but is so sensitive that his defenses close his ears before you get to your message. Start and end with irresistible complements and he will be much more open to what you want him to hear
 

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Don't phone him and insist on talking it out while he's at work. That would royally tick me off. Wait till people have a chance to unwind at home before bringing it up.

C
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Discussion Starter #10
I will not phone him at work. I know that's not a good idea.
I just keep replaying things in my mind, and the temptation is to call or text. (But I will not do that, it will only cause more frustration for us both)

I seem to get this way after fights. It takes me weeks to get my head strait afterwords. I obsess and worry myself sick...until I realize that hubby is just going on normally. I've shoved so many frustrations deep down, that I don't even know where to begin.

I need to forgive and move on regarding a lot of issues. But, I never feel forgiven by my mate. I have asked for forgiveness, and he just shakes his head and walks away. So, I always feel wrong.

Obviously, I'm just more emotional than him. How do I balance this out?

(I'm so glad to have found this forum, thank you all for your help.)
 

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Problem is when stuff like this happens he does not want to talk about it, at all. He says, "why can't we just move on, stop talking about it". Maybe he's right, I don't know. I just feel so hurt by the words and actions of this weekend. I know time will eventually help this pain and panic I feel currently.
When he says "why can't we just move on...." just be prepared with everything and tell him why,and don't back off.You said you argue back sometimes so I can't see where you would be afraid to present your case in a calm manner.You have to map out what you see the consequences will be if there's no resolution to your problems.Get everything straight in your thoughts beforehand and get everything out.If you don't say "enough's enough and either or" then you're going to be doing this dance forever.Btw,when you count on time to bury your pain and panic,you can be starting down a precarious path because there may come a point where time won't be enough.I feel sorry for what you're dealing with and I wish the best for you,just remember we're treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated.Take care.
 

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I'm just more emotional than him.
I'm pretty sure a few gazillion women have said that before now!

When you find your self going over and over arguments in your head make a real point of doing something to take your mind of it... tidy something, hang out washing, do 10 burpees....anything to change your line of thought.

You are the only person in the whole entire world who can control YOUR thoughts.

Glad to hear your going to let him come home and relax before getting into it... maybe even tell him you wanted to hound him down at work and thrash it out but you know he wouldn't like that. So you waited for a better time and place.

He might appreciate it and be more open to talking
 
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