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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
May be I am pathetic but right now I don't know what to do -besides that I just want her back.

My wife and I have been married for about 10 years with two children (2 and 6) - for me it was the first time to get hitched in my mid 30s - for her the 2nd time (after she left her husband of 3 years - she got married in her early 20s - for another guy - before I met her). She is from Asia and I am from Europe - we a re both living in the US where we met on the job.

Both ambitious overachievers our life has centered very much around our work / career and what was left in time around children. 2 years ago we moved to another state (to a large extend because she pushed me to make the chance to advance my career / not that I minded as it was a great opportunity). But for her - with a new born it was rather hard and her career went into a tailspin and she recently lost her job and was really not happy - not having good friend in the area doesn't help either. Truly we haven't been very happy in a while and snapped each other for small things etc. So about 5 months ago she started getting heavily into social media (being constantly into only chatting with her phone, listening to music from her home and not being very responsive in general to the world around her - but by no means neglecting the Children). I did challenge her about it - and her answer was that she has no real friends her - and at least this helps. Then she sprang on me that she had to go back to her home country for about two weeks - a few days to meet her family but the rest to travel with a group of friends from her middle and high school. The trip happened but some things seemed odd (the new nightgowns and bras, suddenly always being nicely dressed even at home, the new pendant she suddenly wore all the time - true that had her highshool dates engraved - still on a silver heart???, ). As it is I had to go on a business trip just a few days after she came back and then the day of my return I realixed she was really distant and then when I asked her about it:
* She doesn't feel connected anymore - no intimacy between us, no feeling for me left in her heart
* we are not good for each other - the cultural divide is too large (don't eat same food, not same interests)
* Sex with me disgusts her (which definitely wasn't the case just 3-4 months earlier - and no that she couldn't have faked)
*She is sure I will find somebody else who will be good for me
* I should respect this and not even try anything to get her back right now just making things more difficult
* She needs 2-3 months to decide whether there was any future in our relationship
* With that said she moved out our bedroom and into one of the kids room

The first couple of weeks things were rather bad, she was constantly angry with me, shouting, not wanting to talk about general things etc. But then actually she started to open up to me, I made a big effort to be more attentive, spending more time with the kids (actually I realized how much i had missed that in the last years) and we even went on a brief trip to the ocean that went very well (including a nice evening just the two of us at a patio overseeing the ocean listening to a band). I did catch her looking at me a few times with a slightly odd look, the same a week later when I surprised her with a little mini celebration (just a glass of something to drink and a piece of chocolate) to celebrate her being offered a new job.

In addition more positive reactions when i mention something longerterm oriented -but still no physical touch tolerated (hard on me because I used to touch her shoulders, hair etc. all the time).

Anyway, she had to go to another trip these days for her family in the US (I know that's true), for another interview next week and then indicated that she had to return to her home country for another 10 days late this month for some business opportunity.

Meanwhile, I had been debating about confronting her about my suspicions for a while now but didn't want to endanger the thaw in our relationship. Now this morning I go onto our family computer which is always running - and among one of the may tabs saw one that of an online storage site which surprised me. I clicked on it - and there she was with an Asian guy with his arm around her waist. Click to the next - a phone video in a hotelroom that shows it all - xxx). Obviously these are from her last trip home. Now here I am completely devastated.

Talking nicely to her as she left for the airport and as she called to ask about the kids (while i feel as is something is tearing me apart inside). Her family will come and stay with us in a few weeks and then my own family comes with all of us traveling to a beach resort (at this stage it seems that she still plans for the trip that is all paid for). However, there is still her 2nd trip home looming. So while i will be home taking care of the kids - I guess she will have the chance to do what she wants.

At the same time I really felt that we were getting somewhere, that there seemed to be a chance for reconciliation (the reason I hesitated confronting her and forcing a decision). But do I have a choice now? And did she leave this window tab open on purpose?

And if I confront her - what do I want the result to be? Throw her out? She is the mother of my kids and it is hard for the two of us together to get everything done? Ignore everything? Wouldn't she see me as a wimp (my wife is definitely not a weak person nor into wimps). Should i move out - but why me - and would that be a risk in a future custody battle?

What I really want is to get her back but at the same time not let her walk all over me.

Any suggestions? I had actually proposed counseling during our "talk" the say I came back from my trip - but she doesn't to do that. Now i am thinking that I should probably find some help for myself - I am feeling that am ready to "implode" under the pressure I feel.

But I want her back ....
 

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She didn't leave evidence for you to find on purpose. She just got sloppy.

The thing with the other guy is all fantasy. No problems with careers or taking care of the house or dealing with family or paying bills or taking care of kids - just "I love you's" and sex. Always on their best behavior for each other. She always is at her sexy best whenever she lets him see her. Likewise he only shows her his best side, too. She is infatuated, has butterflies, has that "in love" feeling which will not last.

Unfortunately, this is your wife's pattern. Left husband number one for another guy. Left another guy for you. Now is leaving you for another guy. Like a monkey swinging from tree to tree in the forest - won't let go of one branch until she has another firmly in her grip.

If you want her back, find out about this guy and blow up his life. Expose him to his family and friends, expose him to his wife or his girlfriend.

Then take a hard line with your wife. Separate your accounts, talk to her only about custody and financial issues, let her know you love her but that you just can't sit by and watch her cheat on you. Don't tell her how you know, just tell her you know, and that you cannot tolerate it. Tell her you want to improve your marriage and yourself, and you WILL improve yourself no matter what, but that unless she commits completely to the marriage and you, you are moving on.

Please don't lie to your and her families when they come to visit. If you are not reconciling, if your wife is cheating, be honest, tell them you are starting down the road to divorce because your wife is cheating and refuses to stop. Let her deal with the fallout of her own actions. Don't lie for her because I can tell you with about 75% probability that she's already been badmouthing you to family and friends, paving the way for her exit.

Please don't get overly optimistic that your wife still sees some value in your relationship. You were getting all mushy posting how you went away together and had a nice moment together, how you got her wine and chocolate and she looked at you a certain way - then you say she still won't let you even touch her. Please snap out of it and come back to reality. She probably just had some dust in her eye, or maybe she was thinking of the wine and chocolate she had with other man.

You already know your wife will not respect you for laying down and rolling over. After you let her know that you know about her affair and you ask her to end it, if she doesn't, file for divorce, name other man and adultery as reasons. Keep your communication only to custody issues and financial issues. Put on a strong confident appearance. Never whine, cry, plead or beg.
 

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OP,

You need to wake up and stop being a doormat!

Find your manhood my friend.

Are you really going to let some POSOM steal the love and physical affection she has been denying you?

You're not going to do or say anything?

If you cannot respect yourself, how in the world do you expect your WW to respect you, your M, or her vows?

Expose her cheating to all friends and family now.

File D papers immediately.

Only speak to her about the D proceedings and the children. Even then, keep it short and unemotional.

Do not interact with her about anything else at all until she starts to show real remorse for her crappy behavior and is begging you for another chance.

She has to see and feel what she has done to your M and what she is in immediate danger of losing.

And find out about POS. If he is married or has a gf, contact his partner and expose him so he has to scramble to save his own a**. Chances are he will dump your WW and throw her under the bus.

Do not tell or warn your WW you are going to do any of this.

Just do it!

Let your actions speak for you.

This all may sound harsh and drastic, but it is absolutely necessary if you want to save your M.

You will never 'nice' or love your WW back into the M.
 

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You already know your wife will not respect you for laying down and rolling over.
Correct. In fact, this is the biggest reason why people commit adultery. They have NO RESPECT for their spouse, for his/her emotional welfare, for the sanctity of their marriage.

Unfortunately, this is your wife's pattern.
Also correct. Dr. Phil aptly says "the most accurate predictor of a person's future behavior is his relevant past behavior".

This all may sound harsh and drastic, but it is absolutely necessary if you want to save your M.
You will never 'nice' or love your WW back into the M.
Also correct. Act, and act FAST. Expose her. Tell her family. Tell the POSOM's family, too. File.

Don't move out. You are right, that will become an issue in the custody battle and in the ownership battle.

You don't want your kids being mothered by someone like this. Kids learn from what their parents DO (not from what they say).

You don't want to be married to someone like this. Someone who has her own interests first and foremost. Someone who is willing to throw away her marriage, her husband, her kids, for the thrills and chills.
 

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May be I am pathetic but right now I don't know what to do -besides that I just want her back.

My wife and I have been married for about 10 years with two children (2 and 6) - for me it was the first time to get hitched in my mid 30s - for her the 2nd time (after she left her husband of 3 years - she got married in her early 20s - for another guy - before I met her). She is from Asia and I am from Europe - we a re both living in the US where we met on the job.

Both ambitious overachievers our life has centered very much around our work / career and what was left in time around children. 2 years ago we moved to another state (to a large extend because she pushed me to make the chance to advance my career / not that I minded as it was a great opportunity). But for her - with a new born it was rather hard and her career went into a tailspin and she recently lost her job and was really not happy - not having good friend in the area doesn't help either. Truly we haven't been very happy in a while and snapped each other for small things etc. So about 5 months ago she started getting heavily into social media (being constantly into only chatting with her phone, listening to music from her home and not being very responsive in general to the world around her - but by no means neglecting the Children). I did challenge her about it - and her answer was that she has no real friends her - and at least this helps. Then she sprang on me that she had to go back to her home country for about two weeks - a few days to meet her family but the rest to travel with a group of friends from her middle and high school. The trip happened but some things seemed odd (the new nightgowns and bras, suddenly always being nicely dressed even at home, the new pendant she suddenly wore all the time - true that had her highshool dates engraved - still on a silver heart???, ). As it is I had to go on a business trip just a few days after she came back and then the day of my return I realixed she was really distant and then when I asked her about it:
* She doesn't feel connected anymore - no intimacy between us, no feeling for me left in her heart
* we are not good for each other - the cultural divide is too large (don't eat same food, not same interests)
* Sex with me disgusts her (which definitely wasn't the case just 3-4 months earlier - and no that she couldn't have faked)
*She is sure I will find somebody else who will be good for me
* I should respect this and not even try anything to get her back right now just making things more difficult
* She needs 2-3 months to decide whether there was any future in our relationship
* With that said she moved out our bedroom and into one of the kids room

The first couple of weeks things were rather bad, she was constantly angry with me, shouting, not wanting to talk about general things etc. But then actually she started to open up to me, I made a big effort to be more attentive, spending more time with the kids (actually I realized how much i had missed that in the last years) and we even went on a brief trip to the ocean that went very well (including a nice evening just the two of us at a patio overseeing the ocean listening to a band). I did catch her looking at me a few times with a slightly odd look, the same a week later when I surprised her with a little mini celebration (just a glass of something to drink and a piece of chocolate) to celebrate her being offered a new job.

In addition more positive reactions when i mention something longerterm oriented -but still no physical touch tolerated (hard on me because I used to touch her shoulders, hair etc. all the time).

Anyway, she had to go to another trip these days for her family in the US (I know that's true), for another interview next week and then indicated that she had to return to her home country for another 10 days late this month for some business opportunity.

Meanwhile, I had been debating about confronting her about my suspicions for a while now but didn't want to endanger the thaw in our relationship. Now this morning I go onto our family computer which is always running - and among one of the may tabs saw one that of an online storage site which surprised me. I clicked on it - and there she was with an Asian guy with his arm around her waist. Click to the next - a phone video in a hotelroom that shows it all - xxx). Obviously these are from her last trip home. Now here I am completely devastated.

Talking nicely to her as she left for the airport and as she called to ask about the kids (while i feel as is something is tearing me apart inside). Her family will come and stay with us in a few weeks and then my own family comes with all of us traveling to a beach resort (at this stage it seems that she still plans for the trip that is all paid for). However, there is still her 2nd trip home looming. So while i will be home taking care of the kids - I guess she will have the chance to do what she wants.

At the same time I really felt that we were getting somewhere, that there seemed to be a chance for reconciliation (the reason I hesitated confronting her and forcing a decision). But do I have a choice now? And did she leave this window tab open on purpose?

And if I confront her - what do I want the result to be? Throw her out? She is the mother of my kids and it is hard for the two of us together to get everything done? Ignore everything? Wouldn't she see me as a wimp (my wife is definitely not a weak person nor into wimps). Should i move out - but why me - and would that be a risk in a future custody battle?

What I really want is to get her back but at the same time not let her walk all over me.

Any suggestions? I had actually proposed counseling during our "talk" the say I came back from my trip - but she doesn't to do that. Now i am thinking that I should probably find some help for myself - I am feeling that am ready to "implode" under the pressure I feel.

But I want her back ....
Yes, you are pathetic alright.
You might want to stop being a doormat. Once a cheater, always a cheater. If you want to lead a life of a cuckold, suit yourself. But she is going to leave you anyways. It depends whether it happens on your terms, or hers.
A cheater is not worth it to put a decent person's time and effort. It is better to live alone than live with a cheater (doesn't matter if she claims to be 'reformed' or not) in the state of constant surveillance amidst pseudo happiness.

YOU CAN ACT LIKE A MAN - YouTube
 

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Op your best bet right is strong and decisive actions

Get tests for stds. Take care of your health.
Do a 180 and do it for yourself.
Start talking to an attorney to protect your assets and kids.

The more you do nothing the more you enable her behavior.

Good luck
Wd
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You need to confront her and show her that you are a man. She does not respect you. You need to protect yourself. She will not wake up from dreamland. You need to wake her up and give her the divorce papers to sign. She might wake up then. I am sorry that you are having this experience. Take care of yourself and do the 180.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
This is tough stuff. I was planning to confront her and find out what her current state of mind is. I talked to a friend whose husband cheated on her and she gave me him the choice move out and you can think about what you want or you stay and it ends now. As it was it had already ended when she found out and they are still working on their relationship (she is getting therapy as well).

But could I really kick my wife out and keep the kids? What is the legal situation as long as we are not even separated?

I admit I was thinking for a minute of posting a picture of her and her lover on her face book page (not that fb would allow nude pictures I think) - but that is something I don't want to do to the mother of my children (the picture would be out there forever)

She traveling until Saturday - so I want to wait until she is back before making a move (ie. confront her). But then she has already told me that she felt our relationship is over, that we don't match, that I should move on, that she didn't think that our relationship could be recovered nor where she sure she even wanted to try (and specifically told me not to try to repair things).

With regard of exposing the guy - I don't know anything about him, don't have a name, address etc. he lives in an Asian country. I guess I could reach out to my brother in law and ask him whether he know this guy -but not really something I want to do before I confront her. He looks like he is in his mid 40s (short, stocky) and I am sure that he is either divorced or n some type of relationship. He must be either rich or influential as this is something my wife is attracted to - but that makes me wonder how serious he can be about an early 40s woman with two young children.

Reading some of the post - may be I should reach out to some of her girlfriends and let them know and see whether they can help. But for now it comes down for me whether she is willing to break it up or not. Do I force the issue now or give her some time (another 2 months or so) to make a decision.

And do I let her take this planned trip to Asia later this month. My friend felt that there was no point in trying to stop her, it is my wife decision whether she want to go ahead or not.

Right now I haven't even told my own family because once i take that step it will change their perception of my wife forever. But then I guess - things have changed and will never be the same.

This is really, really hard ....
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Another concern is work.

I am a senior executive in a global company and I basically fell apart at the office. Had to cancel several meetings, postpone others that had been in works for months. My staff is worried (I only mumbled about some personal family issues), the head of the function is getting antsy as I am not delivering on some key milestones

( I just can't concentrate on anything - just surfing this website and others, starring at the photos of my wife and this guy and this video over and over....).

Do I tell them anything? It doesn't seem to be something I want to share at the workplace.
 

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Another concern is work.

I am a senior executive in a global company and I basically fell apart at the office. Had to cancel several meetings, postpone others that had been in works for months. My staff is worried (I only mumbled about some personal family issues), the head of the function is getting antsy as I am not delivering on some key milestones

( I just can't concentrate on anything - just surfing this website and others, starring at the photos of my wife and this guy and this video over and over....).

Do I tell them anything? It doesn't seem to be something I want to share at the workplace.
Go to your doctor ask him for sleep medication you will need it. And consider antidepressants for short term. Be honest with your doctor tell him you need time of work, Ask him to fill out a FMLA form and take the leave. Look at it from a medical perspective, this is a very traumatizing situation many BS have sever depression and anxiety and even PTSD. Not to mention the weight you will be losing.
This will help you and save face at work.
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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Yeah - I lost 20 lbs in 4 weeks. Best shape I have been in 10 years :( But thanks - I will talk to a doctor.
 

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Does you work have a Employee Assistance Program? this should be a outsourced (complelty confidential) program where you can get free counseling sessions, discounted attorney fees and more.
You normally just email or call them, tell them your situation they can tell you what they have to offer. They even make appointments for you.

By the way I am sorry you are here, you deserve better. And I promise you will survive this. Please stick to the advise on that newbie link, it is by far the best, there are some great and wise people here who can help you. Also look at Chump Lady's website.
 

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Just a thought. If you are going to take a hard line with her, as you rightfully should. Would it be better to confront while she is on this trip? Might really shake her up. Her actions afterwards might indicate how "finished" she is with your marriage. From personal experience, I wouldnt ask any of her family for information, nor her friends. They may have enabled her.
 

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The advice you will receive here will give you the best "chance" to save your marriage - if you will follow it. But like most newly betrayed spouses, you'll have to have a change of mind set first. You absolutely have to be willing to end your marriage if your wife doesn't stop contact, accept significant consequences, "and" demonstrate remorse.

And I have to tell you, based on your wife's prior behavior with you and her history, I don't think this is likely to happen. You should assume that it won't. If it does, then you have a small "chance" to R.

Those consequences will need to include complete exposure, no contact letter to OM, accountability for her time, total transparency and complete honesty/openness about what she did. She will need to accept them unconditionally.

If she fails to accept even one of them; you file for D immediately and implement the 180 until either the D is final or she turns around.

Other posters will give you very good details on the step by step approach for this.

Sorry you're here.
 

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*She is sure I will find somebody else who will be good for me
-----------

"I know you will find someone who will love you and treat you right"

That is what I heard, strange to here this from my wife of 20 years.

Good luck man!
 

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The advice you will receive here will give you the best "chance" to save your marriage - if you will follow it. But like most newly betrayed spouses, you'll have to have a change of mind set first. You absolutely have to be willing to end your marriage if your wife doesn't stop contact, accept significant consequences, "and" demonstrate remorse.

And I have to tell you, based on your wife's prior behavior with you and her history, I don't think this is likely to happen. You should assume that it won't. If it does, then you have a small "chance" to R.

Those consequences will need to include complete exposure, no contact letter to OM, accountability for her time, total transparency and complete honesty/openness about what she did. She will need to accept them unconditionally.

If she fails to accept even one of them; you file for D immediately and implement the 180 until either the D is final or she turns around.

Other posters will give you very good details on the step by step approach for this.

Sorry you're here.
Had I found this site during my wife's first EA I might have prevented the pain I'm in now. I completely did all the incorrect moves to make my marriage work, not that it would have but I would have know this many years ago.
 
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