Talk About Marriage banner

So much negativity

1861 Views 41 Replies 13 Participants Last post by  DudeInProgress
Just browsing posts... is everyone having negative experiences? I am looking for honest and unbiased conversations about authentic situations in my life and relationship with my wife. I have had a ton of negative experiences where I used to blame her often. For example, she stopped having sex with me for over a year because she was so mad but did not know how to communicate any of her feelings with me. This led to her surprising me one day, shortly after the birth of our daughter, that she had contacted an attorney and was going to divorce me. I reactively acted way incorrectly trying to defend myself, trying to plead with her about the errors of her ways (how could I be wrong?), and appealed to her by begging her to not take my baby daughter from me.

That horrible and very painful cycle between my wife and I lasted for nearly 4 months where I constantly blamed her, yelled at her, insulted her, lost my **** because I could not imagine a world without my wife (love of my life) nor my daughter but that was not effective. My wife just got angrier and when I could not control the vomit exited my hateful mouth she became more determined to leave. But then I took a different approach and decided to figure out what was actually important to say/share with her. I took a personal growth walk and decided to just shut the **** up, listen and observe my wife for several months. What I learned, and feel the need to share here after seeing so many things I struggles mentally with, was that in any relationship there are no winners or losers.

There are two people that cared dearly for each other at some point, but external factors we read online (echo chambers because online algorithms adjust to what you want via searches), media, socially normative behaviors learned from the culture you live in, IGNORANCE, and pain. Pain is so difficult to include because in nature it happens, everyone hurts us but is that on them? Reality is that it is our perception of the pain that others unintentionally cause us to habitually blame everyone else because from our own perspective we are all good people. What would happen if you took that personal perspective that you are a genuinely good person and decided to apply it to your perception of EVERYONE else? Again, human nature is to assume the worst in our fellow humans, but why?

I decided during my marriage problems to give everyone the benefit of doubt and assume that everyone has the best intentions to the best of my ability to argue with my own human nature. Another example, when someone cuts me off on the interstate, I do not honk at them or believe that they purposefully did this to cause some form of harm into my day. Now, I look at the entire environment in the real time of this even that caused this care to cut me off while they entered the busy lanes. Looking at the entire picture of this event, which seems to happen often, I have never once seen a reason to be able to blame that other driver for their decision to cut in front of me. Normally, there is another care to the other side pushing into their lane, another time the driver was in a student driver car, another high winds and weather caused confusion in the path in front of them. This basic example applies to all the negative comments I glanced at here.

My wife did this, my wife believed this, my wife said this... but what really caused those events and is it just your perspective from a biased self-preservative point of view actually making those things more negative than they were intended to be? At the end of each of our days/lives our experiences and happiness are our own responsibilities. All you can do is what you believe is right to do, that is known as your truth. If you are authentic and honestly try to be your best, then regardless of how others react to your decisions really do not matter.

Your wife does not help you fall asleep with your conscious full of stress or clear of mind. It is an odd function which comes from our natural tendency to protect ourselves from pain that does not allow us to let go when we feel wronged, especially with those that our supposed to be our biggest supporters, best friends, unconditionally love us... but they are all that and they (your spouses) initially have those intentions to be supportive, your best friend, and unconditionally love you, but it is the instantly negative reaction and desire to "win" or not be wrong that starts the building of barriers between us and our spouses.

It is quite literally the same relationship that siblings create as children. All of this I learned during some really difficult times in my marriage (which we are still working to recover from) and it was the many instances that I stated, "why are you treating me like a child" that was my paradigm shift, or my "aha" moment. She was treating me like a child because we both were acting as such, trying to get our way, trying to be right. The very last argument that my wife nearly had with me before I made all these personal adjustments she started the same, so angry and hateful but my response this time was not to fight back, was not to prove my point or be heard. I simply said, "I have no desire to be right, I know you do not truly want to hurt me but you are currently trying to "win" this situation, but I am tired of participating in angry conversations that just bounce back and forth until someone finally has the last word. From here on out, you will always get the last word because I really do not give a **** about being heard. I want to be loved." I stopped talking then and waited several days for her to process what had happened. During that alone time, I made a decision that since I want to be loved, I will first love her that way but even more whenever it is possible.

We still have those moments that teeter on angry pain, and I am not perfect so in moments of exhaustion, inability to think in the moment, or hurting from something else I do start to retaliate but because of all this self-reflection I have shared it has taught me to take a pause with myself. I allow her to vent anything and everything and I make the choice to not take her words at face value, I choose to give her the benefit of previous good intentions, and I remember that we got married for a reason. I then can shut my mouth and find a better way to show her that I love her before presenting the facts of whatever the situation is without communicating any negativity or misdiagnosed pain that she caused. To me, this is the definition of unconditional love and I should have known this before I even proposed to my wife.
See less See more
  • Like
  • Helpful
Reactions: 4
41 - 42 of 42 Posts
Wow, thank you a very positive and empathetic reply. Yes, she is on medications and those have changed as she does. I am a very patient man and I am not going anywhere, I will wait. I am in health care and our primary physician is one in the same. Our doctor talks to me in depth, because my wife has signed off on me getting her information and our doctor knows my background in health care. My wife is finally wanting to be interested in sex and most of our talks is surrounded about trying new things to spark her desire, as she does want to get it back. My personal changes as a person has grown our love and she really feels bad that she is not as sexually driven as I am which I try to let her know that it is okay, and we will work on it. Hence, I got here, then found so much misinformation and negativity that I stopped worrying about why I joined and jumped in to try and help others understand their communication issues which seem very clear to me (psychological therapy is a big part of my work too).
Have you seen any positive actions, non-sexual or sexual that match her words that she wants to improve her verbal and physical relations with you?

Or progress in determining the validity of her reasons why she isn't comfortable relating to you?
…but seeing all these posts about "she has too much control", "he gives her everything", makes me realize the immaturity of married couples. There should not be a power struggle, but a partnership. If I have to give in a bit for her ridiculous expectations then I can do that, but then we discuss new plans and talk about realistic expectations. We no longer argue about what she wants or needs or what I want or need. We discuss what helps us both achieve our goals in this relationship. That part works really well for us, but sex is missing and that is why I need help. She is not cheating, but doesn't have a desire. How can I spark that in her?
1. There are power dynamics within every relationship. That is a reality, and to ignore that reality or pretend it’s not a thing is stupid and counterproductive.
There is no such thing as a completely equal 50-50 relationship (sometimes it’s 55-45, maybe it’s 60-40, but there is always a leadership dynamic in a relationship).

Someone is always more dominant and someone always provides more of the leadership / direction in the marriage. And if you don’t understand this, it isn’t you.

2. Not sure what you mean by “giving into her ridiculous expectations“ but you shouldn’t be placating expectations or behavior that you do not find acceptable.
If you have determined that some of her expectations are unrealistic, then just don’t abide them.
You don’t have to argue about it, just say no.

3. Sexual intimacy is a key foundational pillar of marriage - and clearly an important need for you (as it should be).
So if your marriage does not contain the level of sexual intimacy that you need, then your valid needs are not being met in the marriage. And your marriage is suboptimal unless/until you get that part figured out.

4. Your wife isn’t asexual, she just doesn’t want to have sex with you. If she wanted to have sex with you, she would.
Maybe it’s postpartum hormones / depression, or maybe it’s just you.
At the end of the day, if you want to improve the sexual intimacy in your marriage, the ownership of that is largely on you (at least for now).
And it’s not about toys or tricks, it’s about you being more attractive to her and leading the sexual dynamics of your marriage.
You can’t make your life want to **** you (at least not directly), but you can make yourself more ****able. And that’s where you need to be focused.
See less See more
41 - 42 of 42 Posts