[In Absentia]

His whole post sounds like his wife convinced him that all their problems were his problems and accepting that is the path to a good marriage.

We still don't know what he's supposedly "done" to her... but to withdraw sex for a whole year must have been bad or she is just a loony...

 

[Benbutton]

So OP, what work has she done to improve her part in the marriage?

 

[SunCMars]

@Frostty4, do you know how to seperate your text into paragraphs? Since honestly, your wall of text is virtually unreadable.

No, it is readable if one has loads of patience.
Most, in life do not, especially, with respect to strangers.

Many readers are too busy and are given to skimming.

Our poster was letting it all out and venting.
A common first-time post and occurrence.

Patience, still remains a virtue!


King Brian-

 

[SunCMars]

Okay, I did my best there. It was a free flowing thought typed quickly in the moment as I was also doing schoolwork and work documentation. Please let me know if it is not readable still. I can probably condense it, but at this moment (not sleeping) I just do not feel a lot of motivation toward editing.

Got it!

Denote the high-points, (sore points!) and answer, specifically, each responders question(s).

 

[SunCMars]

Yup. As soon as I can get a couple to see this, they are on the road to recovery. But some of them can never let go of "but I'm right!!"

And often it only takes one of them to stop doing it, and the system corrects itself.

Good point.

In a relationship, often there is one who pokes and the other then takes offense and fights back.

The, both now having thin skin, analogy.

Stress brings on childish behavior.

If the normally aggressive (or whiny) partner bites their tongue, those daily conflicts lessen.

That poor means of communication becomes habitual.

Being thoughtful and filtering your words is helpful.

 

[Frostty4]

Does your wife apply this same mindset to you?

That is a great question and she tries but does not seem how to communicate this way and I do not want to "teach" her. I just let her know what I am trying and then let the chips fall for now. She has made several comments here lately that she can tell I have changed to a more positive person especially when interacting with her family and son. I do not point out that I am doing the same with her because I believe she is too close to the situation and has historical knowledge of bad disagreements with me. I am trying to see if naturally demonstrating without arguing will help support her paradigm shift, but she is her own person and I love her, so I can just present my best self as often as I can, keep trying, support her, love her, and move forward.

 

[Frostty4]

So OP, what work has she done to improve her part in the marriage?

Better communication and trying to find ways to curb her temper as well as trying to let go of the past. What I did to her was drink too much during the pandemic and spend too much time sleeping in the living room after I finished my schoolwork. She felt a distance and thought I was drawing away from the family unit leaving her with all the work of raising the kids, tending to the home, etc. However, it came from her perspective of anger and fear, which likely hid any efforts I was making to be her partner, but admittedly I was too busy working on my master's and changing careers completely forgetting to let her know how much I appreciated her and loved her. In the pandemic's beginning we were both working from home which caused an external difficulty of too much proximity and a bit of a need to firmly establish our personal space, but our house was not that big and we just had a baby. Quarantined for several months like that is bound to create superficial disagreements and disinhibit any real chance to be alone and breathe on our own.

 

[Frostty4]

Better communication and trying to find ways to curb her temper as well as trying to let go of the past. What I did to her was drink too much during the pandemic and spend too much time sleeping in the living room after I finished my schoolwork. She felt a distance and thought I was drawing away from the family unit leaving her with all the work of raising the kids, tending to the home, etc. However, it came from her perspective of anger and fear, which likely hid any efforts I was making to be her partner, but admittedly I was too busy working on my master's and changing careers completely forgetting to let her know how much I appreciated her and loved her. In the pandemic's beginning we were both working from home which caused an external difficulty of too much proximity and a bit of a need to firmly establish our personal space, but our house was not that big and we just had a baby. Quarantined for several months like that is bound to create superficial disagreements and disinhibit any real chance to be alone and breathe on our own.

Also, keep in mind that I was sharing my perspective of the entire situation. My wife and I are still learning to be better partners and I think that is a development skill that all married couples have to continuously work on and improve. Human nature is to selfishly protect oneself, to put that aside takes considerable recognition and work.

 

[Personal]

For example, she stopped having sex with me for over a year because she was so mad but did not know how to communicate any of her feelings with me.

I decided during my marriage problems to give everyone the benefit of doubt and assume that everyone has the best intentions to the best of my ability to argue with my own human nature.

So after changing your direction and giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. Has your shared sex life with your wife improved significantly, or has it remained nonexistent or alternatively seldom shared?

 

[Frostty4]

So after changing your direction and giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. Has your shared sex life with your wife improved significantly, or has it remained nonexistent or alternatively seldom shared?
When I consider that it was non-existent for so long, I have to say that it has improved significantly. However, if I compare it to before the problems it happens much less. I need help to find out how to safely reinvigorate her toward more sex. For example, as things started to improve sexually last summer, I did realize that I was initiating sex and she still never does. We were having more sex, but it was never spontaneous and more like I had to ask permission then she needed to plan for it. So, if I brought up sex on a Monday, it likely did not happen until Thursday or Friday night. Slowly since then I researched how to improve sex and intimacy in marriages and would print off short articles leaving them around them home to start. Next, I would start to talk to her about things from those articles such as spicing things up which led to a more definitive discussion about sex toys, which actually went great, and I think that was back in January. I would try to flirt, make compliments about how sexy she is and reference that discussion about toys which she seemed to find playful. Then about two weeks ago I found some suggestions for toys that could increase her pleasure and sexual satisfaction (without mention my sexual gratification physically only honestly letting her know that seeing her please really turns me on). I took a chance and found a local store for sex, toys, education, movies, what have you. While there I was lost so I got help from the lady working there, she educated me, and gave me little notecards about pleasing your woman, factual information about g-spot orgasms, squirting, as well as using toys. I went middle of the road with price and tried to surprise her but we had just moved into a new house and her family was actually over. I left the toys on her side of the bed and covered them with a blanket. When she found them she was actually excited but my excitement to try them right away got disappointed quickly. I tried not to be visibly disappointed but she knew I was, so that led to a small conversation where she let me know she was interested in experimenting with them but just tired. Fair enough, so I patiently waited and did not bring it up again. A few days later she asked me about how to use them together and busted out those cards I had. I did not get my hopes up and decided to see if the education about the toys and sex would spark something in her. It did, but not the "walk in the door and jump on top of me," way but rather a little smile or maybe a glint in her eyes so that the next afternoon (I'll point that out because my wife had not wanted sex in the day hours for more than a year... big win to me), and to my amazement it was a very fun little tryst. That was last week though and it has not been brought up again. Granted we have a two year old daughter, my wife is an AVP at a big corporation locally, and I am a new health care administrator for a young company that I am opening their new facility here shortly and then add on the fact that I am also finishing my graduate studies... we do not get a lot of time during the business of each week to discuss sex and barely get the time to spend a few minutes watching something together or reading. I saw other replies to my initial post that were also negative and inquisitive about the part of my story that was missing and I would love to intelligent respond to them all, but the fact of the matter is they are searching for the drama in my shared information but real life does not have that type of drama at all. Not when people are being real and not relying on daytime talk show reverberation of misused psychoanalysis or misinformation that is constantly created by the massive amount of information online but more specifically the ridiculous creation echo chambers from too many social media options which make it easy for members of "Facebook" here or "Twitter" there to find others of like mindset and block out biased opposite ideas to share for appropriate use of social media as factual news outlets. We live in a world of people quick to say that is wrong and you should not do that because the drama from that negativity is a lot more fun than the reality that we are all individual people really trying our best, failing and succeeding but reality is not entertaining so people believe that their perceptive is the only right one, that the social culture they grew up in is the only right one, rather than trying to find the truth behind the support of their fun negative drama.

 

[Personal]

When I consider that it was non-existent for so long, I have to say that it has improved significantly. However, if I compare it to before the problems it happens much less. I need help to find out how to safely reinvigorate her toward more sex.

For example, as things started to improve sexually last summer, I did realize that I was initiating sex and she still never does. We were having more sex, but it was never spontaneous and more like I had to ask permission then she needed to plan for it.

So, if I brought up sex on a Monday, it likely did not happen until Thursday or Friday night. Slowly since then I researched how to improve sex and intimacy in marriages and would print off short articles leaving them around them home to start.

Next, I would start to talk to her about things from those articles such as spicing things up which led to a more definitive discussion about sex toys, which actually went great, and I think that was back in January. I would try to flirt, make compliments about how sexy she is and reference that discussion about toys which she seemed to find playful.

Then about two weeks ago I found some suggestions for toys that could increase her pleasure and sexual satisfaction (without mention my sexual gratification physically only honestly letting her know that seeing her please really turns me on). I took a chance and found a local store for sex, toys, education, movies, what have you.

While there I was lost so I got help from the lady working there, she educated me, and gave me little notecards about pleasing your woman, factual information about g-spot orgasms, squirting, as well as using toys. I went middle of the road with price and tried to surprise her but we had just moved into a new house and her family was actually over. I left the toys on her side of the bed and covered them with a blanket.

When she found them she was actually excited but my excitement to try them right away got disappointed quickly. I tried not to be visibly disappointed but she knew I was, so that led to a small conversation where she let me know she was interested in experimenting with them but just tired. Fair enough, so I patiently waited and did not bring it up again.

A few days later she asked me about how to use them together and busted out those cards I had. I did not get my hopes up and decided to see if the education about the toys and sex would spark something in her. It did, but not the "walk in the door and jump on top of me," way but rather a little smile or maybe a glint in her eyes so that the next afternoon (I'll point that out because my wife had not wanted sex in the day hours for more than a year... big win to me), and to my amazement it was a very fun little tryst.

That was last week though and it has not been brought up again. Granted we have a two year old daughter, my wife is an AVP at a big corporation locally, and I am a new health care administrator for a young company that I am opening their new facility here shortly and then add on the fact that I am also finishing my graduate studies... we do not get a lot of time during the business of each week to discuss sex and barely get the time to spend a few minutes watching something together or reading.

I saw other replies to my initial post that were also negative and inquisitive about the part of my story that was missing and I would love to intelligent respond to them all, but the fact of the matter is they are searching for the drama in my shared information but real life does not have that type of drama at all.

Not when people are being real and not relying on daytime talk show reverberation of misused psychoanalysis or misinformation that is constantly created by the massive amount of information online but more specifically the ridiculous creation echo chambers from too many social media options which make it easy for members of "Facebook" here or "Twitter" there to find others of like mindset and block out biased opposite ideas to share for appropriate use of social media as factual news outlets.

We live in a world of people quick to say that is wrong and you should not do that because the drama from that negativity is a lot more fun than the reality that we are all individual people really trying our best, failing and succeeding but reality is not entertaining so people believe that their perceptive is the only right one, that the social culture they grew up in is the only right one, rather than trying to find the truth behind the support of their fun negative drama.

I just wish you used paragraphs. I mean you say you have your masters, and are a health administrator, yet you can’t do that????????

Seriously it’s really ****ing hard to read what you write. Yet you still keep feeding more walls, of virtually impenetrable text.

If you really want to communicate here or anywhere else effectively, please try to figure out how to use paragraphs.

 

[Frostty4]

I just wish you used paragraphs. I mean you say you have your masters, and are a health administrator, yet you can’t do that????????

Seriously it’s really ****ing hard to read what you write. Yet you still keep feeding more walls, of virtually impenetrable text.

If you really want to communicate here or anywhere else effectively, please try to figure out how to use paragraphs.

LOL sorry. My papers and research has a formatted APA style. I am still learning here/

 

[Personal]

LOL sorry. My papers and research has a formatted APA style. I am still learning here/

The “return/enter” key and “space” key is how you do it, you’ll find them on your keyboard, like they’ve been there all along.

That said, since your sex life has improved, though perhaps not significantly. I think that is a great thing, if that’s what you and your wife both want.

At the end of the day, being able to find ways to improve your relationship with your wife, isn't a bad thing at all.

 

[Frostty4]

What’s your vocation? You said in the other thread you chose that word deliberately.

Health Care Administrator, opening a facility that is completely focused on individuality and autonomy as best possible for my patients since other organizations rarely consider independence and autonomy.

 

[Frostty4]

The “return/enter” key and “space” key is how you do it, you’ll find them on your keyboard, like they’ve been there all along.

That said, since your sex life has improved, though perhaps not significantly. I think that is a great thing, if that’s what you and your wife both want.

At the end of the day, being able to find ways to improve your relationship with your wife, isn't a bad thing at all.

I got on here to find help for myself, but reading the posts I am not sure anyone can help me. Improving my relationship with my wife is a constant work in progress, but seeing all these posts about "she has too much control", "he gives her everything", makes me realize the immaturity of married couples. There should not be a power struggle, but a partnership. If I have to give in a bit for her ridiculous expectations then I can do that, but then we discuss new plans and talk about realistic expectations. We no longer argue about what she wants or needs or what I want or need. We discuss what helps us both achieve our goals in this relationship. That part works really well for us, but sex is missing and that is why I need help. She is not cheating, but doesn't have a desire. How can I spark that in her?

 

[Ragnar Ragnasson]

She may not have done without sex for a year.

 

[Frostty4]

She may not have done without sex for a year.

Yeah, that is a common consideration, which crossed my mind often. However, since the pandemic, we really have never been away from each other. We went to couples counseling and I brought it up, even got mad with the thought that she could be masturbating on the side while I am right in the house, but it did not fit her "person". If that makes sense. When we argued about this in front of our counselor, my wife's defense mechanism is to attack immediately and she started listing off random people (including her ex-husband) but when that argument subsided what I discovered about my wife, is that after she had our baby in May of 2021, she lost her sex drive almost altogether. She had no desire for sexual interactions because she was, and still is, dealing with post-partum depression which has destroyed most of her libido and sexual appetite.

That was probably something that I neglected too, because I just did not understand what she was going through. She rarely talks to me about depression or stressors (communication issues which we are still working on), but she became a sexless human being trying to get back into shape (as she thought she should be), dealing with the stress of my new career, the stress of me being a new father and not knowing how to contribute or help and too focused on my work and education, and then keeping her high end corporate job viable too. From my own perspective with the now ability to look back, she just had no energy or time to spend on sex with anyone, let alone me or just solo satisfaction for herself. She built up her own boundaries, a silo for managing our home and relationship, without reaching out to me for any real help. She allowed all of this frustration to build up, which became more often as time grew and I did not realize I was kind of absent, until she just let her anger rage on me. That took me by surprise, and my natural tendency was to defend myself... try to be right. That was our cycle for more than a year.

Again, this is a work in progress and all I can control is me, my perspective, my reactions, my hurt, my words, etc. So I started to build a tool box of resources as I got more educated for my work and realized that it applied to my relationship with my wife, my kids, my family, and others, and I started to trust that. My studies and my work are absolutely the only place where I have the absolute confidence in myself. I am a health care administrator for an organization that uses intensive individualistic therapeutic therapies to rehabilitate our patients back into the community by helping them understand their new reality that includes their injury/disabilities.

I was new to this field of health care patients, so I decided to learn the direct care therapy being used by our staff before I even glimpsed at any onboarding for my leadership role. The very basic description of our organization's philosophy is "to do with, not for" which means we need to get on their level (jump into the hole they're stuck in and collaborate ways for them to get themselves out of that hole, while still standing with them through the process). I discovered that this philosophy is not all that difficult to work with, when you consider our patients as real people, rather than representatives of their injuries. That realization changed my life and perspective on how I treat others. There is an actual term for the natural negativity we all project on others, pessimistic is the easy way to state it but there is a psychological diagnosis that is escaping me at the moment. But a simple example of this premise is getting cut off in traffic. Someone is merging, and cuts into your lane. Our natural and immediate response is to honk our horn, flip them off, get mad and in our minds in that moment that person is the evilest SOB that has ever lived. However, what if you did not go into those immediate responses of anger? If this ever happens to you after reading this, instead of reacting in the moment, stop yourself and look around at the environment. Did the car that just cut you off, get forced over because another car cut them off first? Was there road construction or weather conditions that limited their ability to see you? Those are externalities that we do not consider in the moment because we naturally assume the worst (negativity), but if we all gave everyone the benefit of doubt and trust that most people have the best intentions, then maybe we would take a moment to look at the other factors that caused this car to cut you off. On the flipside, which I have been there too, when I have to cut someone off because of traffic, weather, whatever, then I am quick to point out all of those externalities that the driver I just cut off is not thinking about and is honking at me, flipping me off, and thinking that I am a monster.

Pulling this back to your statement about my wife possibly not being faithful during that time she withheld sex, I made a decision (when I decided to improve our relationship) to give her that benefit of doubt. I have never had any reason to believe that her intentions in our life together have been anything but loving towards me, so I will continue to give her that respect until the day that she actually does something to take that away. And quite honestly, had she had other lovers in that time frame we do not live in Chicago, New York City, or other big cities, we live in a small community that has a ton of ties/connections to each of us from between families and friends. I have lived in the big cities, I have lived in rural areas throughout Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, and our home here in Iowa. There are cultural gaps that some may not understand or appreciate, but my wife and I live in a very small world that is completely tied together. Her finding someone else on the side is not easy to do. Not impossible but statistically reviewing the reality of our world, it is easy for me to trust her.

However, with that said and for those of you wanting to really talk to me about things my wife and I can explore when we start to expand our sexual intimacy, it will not be easy for us to find our own way for sexual satisfaction because of the small, tight knit, communities we live in. Even going to a sex store to buy toys places a flash light on me, because it is out in the open. I have no difficulty doing that, and recently did so spending a couple of hours having the employees there educate me on the functions of the many toys, how to use them to please my wife, etc. My brother actually spotted me leaving his work when I pulled into that parking lot. I have reached out to sexperts for education meetings for my wife and I, I have researched local groups that discuss sex in marriage, and local swinger/bdsm sites that offer advice and I do so hesitantly without completely knowing where my wife and I are headed.

 

[In Absentia]

but when that argument subsided what I discovered about my wife, is that after she had our baby in May of 2021, she lost her sex drive almost altogether. She had no desire for sexual interactions because she was, and still is, dealing with post-partum depression which has destroyed most of her libido and sexual appetite.

Ok, now we know the reason. Is she being treated for her depression? Until she returns to her normal self, you can forget sex. She has no room in her head for you, let alone sex. And remember, if she is going to be put on anti-depressants, her sex drive will non existent x 10. Maybe she is on them already. My friend... there is a very long road ahead of you and you will have to be patient. Love your wife and help her overcome her depression. Good luck to you!

 

[Frostty4]

Ok, now we know the reason. Is she being treated for her depression? Until she returns to her normal self, you can forget sex. She has no room in her head for you, let alone sex. And remember, if she is going to be put on anti-depressants, her sex drive will non existent x 10. Maybe she is on them already. My friend... there is a very long road ahead of you and you will have to be patient. Love your wife and help her overcome her depression. Good luck to you!

Wow, thank you a very positive and empathetic reply. Yes, she is on medications and those have changed as she does. I am a very patient man and I am not going anywhere, I will wait. I am in health care and our primary physician is one in the same. Our doctor talks to me in depth, because my wife has signed off on me getting her information and our doctor knows my background in health care. My wife is finally wanting to be interested in sex and most of our talks is surrounded about trying new things to spark her desire, as she does want to get it back. My personal changes as a person has grown our love and she really feels bad that she is not as sexually driven as I am which I try to let her know that it is okay, and we will work on it. Hence, I got here, then found so much misinformation and negativity that I stopped worrying about why I joined and jumped in to try and help others understand their communication issues which seem very clear to me (psychological therapy is a big part of my work too).

 

[In Absentia]

Wow, thank you a very positive and empathetic reply. Yes, she is on medications and those have changed as she does. I am a very patient man and I am not going anywhere, I will wait. I am in health care and our primary physician is one in the same. Our doctor talks to me in depth, because my wife has signed off on me getting her information and our doctor knows my background in health care. My wife is finally wanting to be interested in sex and most of our talks is surrounded about trying new things to spark her desire, as she does want to get it back. My personal changes as a person has grown our love and she really feels bad that she is not as sexually driven as I am which I try to let her know that it is okay, and we will work on it. Hence, I got here, then found so much misinformation and negativity that I stopped worrying about why I joined and jumped in to try and help others understand their communication issues which seem very clear to me (psychological therapy is a big part of my work too).

Glad to hear you are progressing. Unfortunately, TAM can be a very harsh place and some posters seem to be triggered by their own experiences.

I've live most of my life with a wife with mental issues and depression, so i know what's it like. Patience is one thing I didn't have in abundance and it contributed to the decline of our marriage. It's very positive that you wife is under medication and that she is aware of her lack of desire, and also that she wants it back. Please can back with updates in the future, if you can.