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Discussion Starter #1
I just recently found out my husband and best friend cheated on me. He had been laid off for two years and finally got a job traveling for three months with another one of our friends. We have three children 2, 5, 7 and have been married for 8 years. To further complicate things we have been living together for almost 13 years, happily i thought. While he was out of town working he would go weeks without calling me or the kids. I knew something was wrong but i was at home with our three kids. When he came home i knew something was wrong...i know him and just knew. We were in the process of shortsaleing our home and trying to find a new place to live and he kept telling me we would talk after we moved. The night we moved i broke down and hacked his phone and google account. I found pictures of the OW on his phone. I checked my cell records because i never do...i have e-bills. I was shocked to see three months of phone/text/pictures from the OW. So i confronted him and he finally fessed up to having a ONS after only being gone two weeks. Instead of feeling remorseful he continued this EA for THREE MONTHS!!! I think the only thing that stopped him was me catching him. After the big confession i told him he needed to call her with me so i could hear with my own ears it was over. Instead he called her the next time i went to work, which opened up a whole other level of betrayal. Which led to me calling her and going off on her. At this point his phone number has been changed, we have both been tested for stds-negative thank god!!! He says he wants to be with me and work on it but i just don't know. I feel like the one person i have always counted on since i was 18(i am 32 now) is someone else. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but i feel like his actions are speaking louder. Help??
 

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He says he wants to be with me and work on it but i just don't know. I feel like the one person i have always counted on since i was 18(i am 32 now) is someone else. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but i feel like his actions are speaking louder. Help??
He is someone else. The husband that you've lived with, loved, trusted, and considered to be your "rock" is gone. Forever. He betrayed you in the worst way, and you will always have some of these feelings in your head. Granted, it gets easier with time, but for now, you have a different husband and a different marriage.

You will get a lot of good feedback and advice here. People will lead you to websites and books... Read everything you can.

I hope you can worry about yourself and what YOU want, moreso than if it's you that HE wants.
 

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First of all I am sorry you here. I have been in your shoes, I know how you are feeling right now. Just spend some time reading through these threads. You will no doubt get some good advise here.

I'd like to start by asking a few questions.

Has he gone NC(no contact with the woman yet?
If so how was this done?
How long ago was DD? (discovery day)?
 
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So i confronted him and he finally fessed up to having a ONS after only being gone two weeks. Instead of feeling remorseful he continued this EA for THREE MONTHS!!!


This is probably a lie. I find it hard to believe he only had a ONS and continued a 3 month EA afterwords. It is likely he was physical with this woman the entire time. You are likely getting trickle truth right now. Cheaters generally admit to only a small portion of the affair at first. They like to downplay things. Be prepared to find lots more. Keep digging and asking him questions. Ask the same question over and over again from different angles. Worked for me.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
My husband was on the road working and was only in wyoming for one night. He has never been back to wyoming since so i am pretty sure that the actual sex act only happened that one night. The talking/texting was going on until the moment i confronted him. He even admitted that he probably would have slept with her again if he had saw her, he said "well i did once so i probably would have".
At this point I do not know what I want. A part of me thinks that maybe this is the final straw in our relationship...but I just don't know.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
First of all I am sorry you here. I have been in your shoes, I know how you are feeling right now. Just spend some time reading through these threads. You will no doubt get some good advise here.

I'd like to start by asking a few questions.

Has he gone NC(no contact with the woman yet?
If so how was this done?
How long ago was DD? (discovery day)?

So yes he has gone NC with the OW. This all went down about a month ago the night before our oldest started 2nd grade:(

I had told him i needed him to call her with me so I could hear with my own ears that it was over. Instead he called her when i went to work, from the car with my kids in it!!!! I freaked out and called her to see what he said to her. Yes i know bad move beause it solved nothing. She tried to call him after i called her but he didn't answer and then she texted him "your wife just called me take care of that".

I texted her back from his phone with him sitting there telling her to never try to contact him again...as if i was him. I changed his phone number the next day.

Supposedly she does not know his last name and he does not know hers but through the magic of the internet and my awesome detective skills i found her:(
 

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I think the physical and emotional distance he created between you means that he's not really in the marriage the way you need him to be.

What I'm about to say reflects only what I would do if I were in your shoes. I would accept the sadness and upset I feel, know that it's going to be a long, painful haul, but do the hard thing of serving him with divorce papers.
 

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_I think the physical and emotional distance he created between you means that he's not really in the marriage the way you need him to be.___ <----this right here is so crucial, he was detaching and disengaging for three whole months, how were you coping during this noticeable absence?

Were you emotionally spent or did this lack of interaction drive you crazy? I mean I know having small children can keep one busy but this is way beyond.
 

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Confused. Can you give us a sense of his remorse? How is he handling the situation? Does he willingly answer your questions? Do you feel he is still hiding something? What has he been doing or saying to you to try to make you feel better? And what are your thoughts about your marriage right now? At this time, do you think you want to divorce him?

Just a little advise to you. Take your time. Make your decision for yourself. Do what you believe is the right decision for you.

On a side note I think there is something more behind this. He would go weeks without calling you? I have been in my current relationship for over 10 years I can count only 3 days I didn't talk to my wife. 2 were after DD. I just can't wrap my head around his complete lack of interest in your marriage.

My wife had a 2 year long affair and I still got attention from her. Granted it was mostly negative, but at least she talked to me some. Weeks with no contact is a massive red flag. Something is amiss I think.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
_I think the physical and emotional distance he created between you means that he's not really in the marriage the way you need him to be.___ <----this right here is so crucial, he was detaching and disengaging for three whole months, how were you coping during this noticeable absence?

Were you emotionally spent or did this lack of interaction drive you crazy? I mean I know having small children can keep one busy but this is way beyond.
We had been trying to save our house from foreclosure, our only option was this sent from heaven job for 90 days. Little did i know this 90 day job would disrupt my whole life. I thought it was going to save us finanancially...it did not we shortsaled our house and now are in a rental. Him not calling did drive me crazy and honestly made me wonder about us. It's a little awkward when your friends ask how your husband is and you say I don't know I haven't talked to him. At the same time he was calling and texting her unbeknowst to me. I was busy trying to hold it down at home while working also...I was in survival mode.
 

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calling her without you present is a bad thing, for all you know he could have made plans to go "underground" with the affair now that you have uncovered it

have him write a No Contact letter- see the newbie link in my signature for more info
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Confused. Can you give us a sense of his remorse? How is he handling the situation? Does he willingly answer your questions? Do you feel he is still hiding something? What has he been doing or saying to you to try to make you feel better? And what are your thoughts about your marriage right now? At this time, do you think you want to divorce him?

Just a little advise to you. Take your time. Make your decision for yourself. Do what you believe is the right decision for you.

On a side note I think there is something more behind this. He would go weeks without calling you? I have been in my current relationship for over 10 years I can count only 3 days I didn't talk to my wife. 2 were after DD. I just can't wrap my head around his complete lack of interest in your marriage.

My wife had a 2 year long affair and I still got attention from her. Granted it was mostly negative, but at least she talked to me some. Weeks with no contact is a massive red flag. Something is amiss I think.
When he came home he was not affectionate at all. We were in the middle of saleing the house and trying to find a new place. A very emotional time for me leaving the home we have lived in for 9 years...the home we brought our babies home to..so many memories:( I remember standing in the living just looking around and starting to cry (this is a week before DD) he walked right by me like I wasn't even there. Any hug I recieved from him during this was one i asked for...i knew something was wrong. I have known him for more than half of my life...i knew but he would not talk.

When DD finally happend he still did not want to talk...he just kept saying we would talk later when things weren't so chaotic. I told him no. The first thing he said to me was that he didn't even miss me and he didn't know why. I told him i know why...you don't want to be with me. He says this is not true but I just do not know.

He says he's sorry repeatedly everyday...i just don't feel it.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
calling her without you present is a bad thing, for all you know he could have made plans to go "underground" with the affair now that you have uncovered it

have him write a No Contact letter- see the newbie link in my signature for more info
Yes the phone call made things sooooo much worse. I did text her from his phone before I changed the number. I texted the OW this

"I do not want to have any contact with you ever again, I love my wife and I've been an idiot. Do not ever try to contact me again. "

it did not make me feel better though
 

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When he came home he was not affectionate at all. We were in the middle of saleing the house and trying to find a new place. A very emotional time for me leaving the home we have lived in for 9 years...the home we brought our babies home to..so many memories:( I remember standing in the living just looking around and starting to cry (this is a week before DD) he walked right by me like I wasn't even there. Any hug I recieved from him during this was one i asked for...i knew something was wrong. I have known him for more than half of my life...i knew but he would not talk.

When DD finally happend he still did not want to talk...he just kept saying we would talk later when things weren't so chaotic. I told him no. The first thing he said to me was that he didn't even miss me and he didn't know why. I told him i know why...you don't want to be with me. He says this is not true but I just do not know.

He says he's sorry repeatedly everyday...i just don't feel it.
You need to protect yourself in every way:

-Do your best to ensure that you can support yourself and your children, physically and financially.

- Find out for sure what has really happened with H and OW (information is power & you've been kept in the dark).

- Start taking steps to guard your heart. Force yourself to detach. Force yourself no matter how hard and painful. Mind over matter.

The sooner you take back control of your life, the sooner you start to see that it's your life to live, not your husband's to jerk around, the sooner you'll get past some of the pain.

Your children are your priority. Keep telling yourself that. It will help you to stay strong and detach.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
is he still in the same job as OW? is OW married and if yes, did you tell her husband ?
He wasn't working with the OW. He met her in a bar in Wyoming one night and told me he had sex with her in a car in the parking lot...i had to drag this out of him because my active mind was thinking he rented a room and spent all night with this OW. He was working with his best guy friend for the three months going from location to location installing. I found her fiancee on fb and sent him an anonymus message spilling the truth. At this point if she really doesn't know my husbands name I don't want to provide her with it. She does not deserve to know.

He is not working right now. He turned downed a permenant job with that company without even telling me. I think now because he doesn't trust himself.
 

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He would go weeks with calling his family, but had no problem having daily communication with OW. Weeks? Is he even a father? I hope whatever happens he starts acting like one.
Yes these are all the questions i have been asking myself. And normally before all of this i would say he's an awesome father. There reached a point where the majority of the texts to him from me were "call your freaking kids". So then he would call when i was at work...even though he denys doing it on purpose.
 
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