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Every day is a struggle, emotionally, physically. Im a 35 year old woman, not married, no children. I wish to have a daughter in a few years but I'd like to be emotionally stable and happy first. I've been with my partner for 8 years on and off and I am afraid to marry him, afraid to leave. I am depressed and overweight and have been mostly my whole life.

My partner and I have been in couples counseling but this past month we have not been able to go due to intense work schedules. The counselor suggested I get a psychiatric medical evaluation for insomnia and depression. I paid $300 out of pocket for the psychiatrist to tell me I dont need medication (I tried Celexa before but didnt help). He said Im a lost soul because of the lack of structure in my childhood and the fact that I was raised scientologist. I believe that is true. He said I need to make big changes in my life and change my persective. He said I need to get in shape, decide to stay or go in my relationship and find my life purpose. All of this I know, easier said than done. I need IC but no insurance and cant afford it.

If I leave my partner, I can just barely afford to support myself and maybe qualify for a tiny condo. At 35, this is not where I want to be. I am SO sad and have terrible anxiety about this. I have a decent man but Im so conflicted. He has 3 preteen age kids and we are not totally in love after all this time. I know he loves me a lot and wants to marry and have a baby, but Im so tired of our problems, burnt out, theres no excitement or dating anymore. All we do is work and pay bills. And then my cats cry at the door constantly because he is allergic and cant have them in the house. We also have a dog together and these pets fulfill me and make me happy, It breaks my heart to leave them outside.

Our problems are: me being wishy washy, his yelling at his mom because she really is the most annoying person Ive ever met, no dating, passion, exictement, me constantly questioning if I should stay or go, thats really painful. We live together and are comfortable but I;m not sure if this is right for me, Ive struggled to be happy and feel fulfilled for years. He is good to me mostly but not entirely. Hes naggy, uptight, rushes me, and it makes me even more jaded. His children are great, but I would have preferred a man without kids. I just dont know what to do. This is my LIFE. ???

Part of me wants to marry him and try to be happy, the other part wants to get a condo, date other people and hope for a more happy relationship before its too late to have a baby..so much anxiety.

Second major problem I'm having: Please help: I have been a sub teacher and waitress past ten years. I love being a waitress. Dont love working in the schools but its tolerable. I took a sub job a month ago and turns out they didnt have a teacher so I set up the kindergarten/first grade classroom and have got through the first month. I told the principal if they didnt find someone I would be interested in taking the job. He said he would like to give the position to me. Later, he said he had to interview a person for the position. I felt rejected and decided I dont even WANT to be a teacher, which is true. Turns out didnt like the person he interviewed. A week later he said he was working on a temporary contract for me to be there for the year. I said ok. But secretely I was hoping theyd find someone else to save me from this. It's a very hard job.

I dont know what to do. Please advise. I have been unhappy so long in life, I want to find what makes me happy. Teaching is not it, but its a full time job. I Should be exicted I guess, but Im not. Its stupid to turn it down and go back to the flexibilty I had with subbing and waiting tables but I was HAPPIER doing that in a way. I just felt pathetic becuase Im 35 working at a chain restaaruant with a BA in elementary education. Am I a complete loser? I just dont know. As a teacher, it takes almost ALL my time and its exhausting, stressful... I like the kids but...I have mental breakdowns once a month (but I have for years over my relationship too). Im SO miserable and burnt out on life! Im so sad inside and conflicted. Please guide me in the right direction. Help.

What do I tell this principal tomorrow? Im petrified to keep this job all year, Im afraid I'll get stuck in the profession. I really just want to be happy married in a passionate relationship in a nice house, working PART time at anything (except in the schools) and having a baby, taking care of the house, myself, my husband. Why is life so hard?
 

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He said I need to make big changes in my life and change my persective. He said I need to get in shape, decide to stay or go in my relationship and find my life purpose.
all your answers are right here.

What I'm going to say next is going to sound harsh and heartless I know, but I want you to know that I do empathize, I too struggled in past years with a horrible childhood, depression, and low self confidence. This effects everything in your life. Its like you are blinkered to seeing only bad things going on, its hard to see anything good.

So...your full time job currently is feeling sorry for yourself. You are feeding it. You are seeking outside direction so when things go badly you can say yet again 'its not my fault, life is just terrible and hard and I don't know why'. There are many things in life that are beyond our control, what we CAN control is how we react to them, how we face them, what we learn from them.

Its difficult to change long ingrained thought patterns, but it can be done. A good IC will help, no doubt! But still you have to do all the work, they can't fix you by themselves as much as they would like to. Things you can do on your own is start reading and doing exercises in self help books. Start a gratitude journal and write in it daily of all the good things in your life. Make a real effort all day long to give yourself the gift of happiness. Be generous and give happiness to the people in your life. There are many books, articles, free therapy groups available, get proactive and get off your a$$ and start doing something about it if you want to see changes. Its the only way it will become reality and you know it.

Your last paragraph is within your grasp TODAY if you had a different head on your shoulders.
 

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You have two other posts from over a year ago detailing almost the exact same things you put in this post. Albert Einstein said the 'the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results'. Start doing something different, please.
 

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You were me -- about 2 years ago. I was jumping from one unhealthy relationship to another. Basically just clinging onto any guy who showed me attention (i.e.; wanting sex). I was 5'1" and a little over 200 pounds. I had just turned 38 and no children to "blame" for my defective body. I decided I could not live my life like this anymore. I did a ton of research online to find what food plan would work best for me and I joined a gym a couple months after I started eating better. I started my new way of eating the first of the year and by the end of summer I had lost 60 pounds. I was the healthiest and happiest person I had been in YEARS. I had been overweight since my mid-20's. I had more energy and made so many significant changes in my life. Because I actually HAD a life.

My point is, before you can feel good about ANYTHING in your life, you need to change how you feel about yourself first. I can almost guarantee you that this "decent man" of yours will not be looking so good once you start feeling better about yourself. And if you have to live paycheck to paycheck, even if the job is miserable, then so be it. You can and will find a way to survive.

You have to make the choice today to change tomorrow.
 

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Thank you for your replies. Unicorn, what do you mean by: My last paragraph is within my reach Today if I had a different head on my shoulders? Does that mean I can marry and be a part time stay at home mom Today with my current partner?

Should I keep my partner or move out? Should I keep this teaching job or go back to my less stressful and happier life of waiting tables and possibly finding a different part time profession that isnt so darn exhausting?
 
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