[confused2000]

I have been with my partner for 9 years and am 33 years old.
Our relationship started out badly. His flat mate was actually his ex girlfriend who he had only broke up with 3 weeks prior to asking me out, she did move out shortly after, so basically our relationship started out with lies and cheating. I honestly thought it was his flatmate, as I didn't go to his place at the begining.
I won't go into all the details but in a nutshell 5 mths into our relationship I found out he was sleeping with his ex and lying to me for that long. After finding this out it emotionally ruined me, as I was head over heels in love with him. Stupid me stayed and the lies continued for several more months about cutting contact. We moved in together in a new apartment a few months later.
Theres too many details but lets just say it took me about 2 years to get over it, and even then it would still pop into my mind regularly.

Fast forward and another time I caught him online messaging other women on a more adult version of fb. He had even given his personal email to a girl 10 years younger and was emailing her back and forth, he said it was all for fun and an ego boost, I emailed the younger girl and she did say he said they should catch up if she ever came to town. I forgave him.

Ontop of that he has always been the flirtatious type and very flirty I think with people at his work.

Anyway 2 years ago we broke up but were still living in the same flat, and continued to do everything together as we did before. Well 11 months later I found out he had been seeing another girl the whole time we were broke up. So you might think he did nothing wrong as we were broke up, but my thing is it was exactly like he was cheating on me, I had no idea there was someone else. 2 years later I still think of it almost every day what he did to me. You see although we were "broke up", I was not on the same page we were still being intimate and when we were he would ask me to wear my engagement ring, when I would get home from work late on weekends he had been with her, but pretend to be home all night.

At one stage I went interstate for the weekend and had oppertunity to be with at least 3 diff men who were interested in me, but I didn't as I was thinking of him and wouldn't do that. and I found out he had her over and had sex with her in our place. And he had to physically remove a picture frame of us off the wall and hide it.

He also had unprotected sex with her. There are a lot more details, but too long to explain, lets just say when someone is telling you to wear your engagement ring whilst having sex, you don't think they are living a double life. Basically for 11 months he sneaked around and lied to me.

Fast forward again, we ended up getting back together and now have an 8 month old and I still think of what he did to me almost every day, and trying to decide if I should stay or go.

Another point is he only ever wanted to have sex with me whilst on recreational drugs, and that has me disgusted. Hes not affectionate, no kissing, no cuddling. He had a bit of an issue with recreational drugs, and unfortunately brought me into it for many years, but my life has completely changed since having my daughter, and the past just disgusts me. My baby is 8 months and the last time we were intimate was when I was 7 months pregnant, and the thought of having sex with him disgusts me.

Anyway my dilema is, should I get over it or move on, I just scared as we have been together so long and I never wanted a broken family for my child, and I would hate for my girl to be an only child and thats a risk if we end it, I'm also scared ill never meet anyone ever again, though I do want to be by myself for a few years if we break up. The thought of kissing him or having sex with him now disgusts me, but am I being selfish should I make it work for my daughter? btw we hav'nt slept in the same bed for 11 months.

 

[IrishGirlVA]

I don't know who I feel worse for. You or your daughter. Seriously, when someone shows you who they are, believe them! He showed you from the beginning that he is a cheater, a liar and a drug user. He showed this to you over and over and over again. And I understand that sometimes we think, pray and hope that we are going to be the one they change for and not cheat and lie to but come on! We know deep down that if they did that WITH us they will likely do it TO us.

You wasted too much time with this man who brings you nothing but pain and now...disgust. I think the most UNselfish thing you can do right now for your daughter is leave.

Run. Run fast. Do not have any more children with this man. In fact, do not have any more children with anyone until you know just how valuable of a person you are and that you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. And the first person who should be giving you respect and dignity is yourself. You need to be a positive role model to your child. You are not going to do that by staying.

Leave.

 

[Acoa]

:iagree: This.

Just say no more and get out of the relationship as quickly as you can. Stop trying, do what you need to be prepared for life on your own and get out fast.

If he breaks down and starts to plead, remember you know who he is, and you already gave him his second chance. Don't fall for it again.

 

[confused2000]

Thankyou for your responses.

I guess I really do know what I have to do. I guess I'm just really scared of the unknown. He has emotionally affected me for years, to the point where it has consumed my life. And I have never had the strength to leave before, as yes I loved him so much and he was my everything and also as you said gave more chances and never thought he would hurt me again. And over the years my confidence has just hit rock bottom.

I think now moreso since having my daughter she has given me strenght, in the fact that I don't need him anymore, and that infatuation I once had with him is gone.
I will say as much as I now feel like Ive wasted 9 years on him, If I had the chance to erase and start over I wouldn't do anything different as I wouldn't have my beautiful daughter.

And I guess thats what I'm scared of, although he says he is changed and would never hurt me again, I don't want to stay with him another 5 of 10 years and then crap happen again, as i'd be kicking myself that I should have left before.

But I also feel I have let my child down by having him as her dad.
I think deep down I aldreay knew I needed to leave I guess I just needed to hear it from other people, as I can't really talk to anyone about it.

Also lastly, your opinion on the time we were "broke up" but living together, as I said I had no idea he was with someone else for all that time, and all his actions over that period were like he was a cheating partner, as I said I wasn't on the same page I thought we still had something, its like he had his cake and ate it too, but anyway he always would say, we were broke up, but am I right in thinking that he 100% did the wrong thing?

 

[Acoa]

I notice you have "broke up" in quotes, which implies it's not as simple as that.

Even if you take that time out, everything else he as done to you is awful. And he hasn't slept in the same bed as you in 11 months? Do you think he has gone that long with out sex? or just without sex from you?

 

[Chelle D]

LEave. Leave . LEave. Get tested for STD.. Get your daughter tested for STD. (the ones that could effect her if you had them while pregnant).

Go to a safe place, leave him... Then after you are settled, sue him for child support. Make sure he cannot get custody first.

Then... Yes, it is okay to be by yourself for a while. You will be strong!.. You can do it!.

Then after the couple of years & you've gotten yourself back on track ,... You WILL find someone good.. Someone that will be an excellent Step Father.. and can give you another child & can give her a sibling & a family.

It will come, but realize that .. it will come only when the time is right. Be patient.

But for now: LEAVE.

 

[Jellybeans]

You should have ended it at month 5. Now it's nearly a decade later. He has no respect for you.

You could stay with him--if you want to keep doing this into another decade.

Me, I woulda bounced a long time ago.



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[confused2000]

I did get checked for std's when I was pregnant and all clear. However I havn't since.
And in regards to custody at least one thing positive I know he would never go for custody, as he after 5 mins of her crying gets aggitated, and he has not been left alone with her since she was born as he can't handle it.

I guess that though is one reason why this decision has been so hard to make, as I know he will have to be allowed to have her sometimes when she is older, it has torn me as it breaks my heart that my child will at times in the future not be with me, and that was my main reason as to why I wondered if I should stay and make it work, so I would always be with my child.

 

[confused2000]

Jellybeans, I also at times wish I had left at 5 months, but I was blindsighted and madly in love, and stupid! But I don't like to think about that as it will get me down to think I wasted so much of my life, but that being said if I had the chance to go back and if I knew then what I know now I still wouldn't change a thing, as I wouldn,t have my daughter who is now my world, I would perhaps have had a stress and emotional free life but I wouldn't have her.

I would have perhaps had other children with someone else, but it wouldn't be her if you get what I mean.

 

[Chelle D]

No.... I disagree. When you didn't leave.. it was not because you were blindsided by love. It was because you allowed yourself to be a doormat. And you have for about 10 years now.

Time to mature. (your post shows you are ready, because you are questioning why you are staying with this loser). Time to stand up for your own life. For your daughters life.

You do not want to teach her to be a doormat to anyone (by example). You do not want her to learn that it is okay to cow-tie your emotions and let an idiot walk all over you. (time & time again.)

Stand up & be a woman. Teach your child to respect herself. Yes, it is years away before she will actually learn your behaviors & mimmick your behaviors... So ALL THE MORE REASON to start standing up for yourself NOW. Then, You can be well rehearsed in that great self-respecting person that is worthy of teaching her daughter to be a strong lady. To be proud of who she is. You will have years of practice by then.

Also, If you leave this loser now... then Years from now, when She is old enough to start turning to a father-figure.. You could have met a wonderful man by then that will be an awesome stepfather. (Even if you don't meet someone new by the time she's in kindergarden... She will have learned how mommy either lets someone walk all over her... or stands on her own without a jerk of a man beside her!)

But, Take care of yourself now. Take care of getting healthy self respecting emotions now. Be independent without being a doormat for this jerk. It will benefit both yourself and your daughter in the future.

Don't feel guilty about not giving your daughter the traditional family experience from the get-go. Time enough to rectify that later. Now is the time to rectify mom's self respect & self esteem.