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Discussion Starter #1
Hi all! I'm was so happy to find this site since I don't have any friends to talk to! I have been in a bad marriage for many years! I have been married for 23 years! My husband had been married before for a very short period of time! This last year has been so difficult and I don't know if I want to finally put and end to this! I was diagnosed with RA approximately 4 years ago and have been battling the illness! It has caused me to leave my job of 18 years and have to go out on SSD! My husband had a mild heart attack about 10 years ago and went out of work on SSD so I have been the main bread winner, maid, bill payer, etc. I did it all! So very stressful! My husband since he hasn't worked has become a different person! I have been in an abusive relationship for many years and don't know why I put up with it? I feel like a loser because I can't follow through with what I want because I somehow always feel bad for him but honestly he could care less about me! I have suffered with being given the SILENT TREATMENT sometimes would last weeks! He never trusted me as I'm always being accused of cheating (when I have never cheated)! Walking on EGG SHELLS is a common way of life in my house! My husband dissects everything I say and thinks about it and turns everything around and makes it completely my fault and everything is ALWAYS about him and his feelings! He always tells me I make him do the things he does because I make him upset and angry! For example, yesterday we were going out to his cousins house for dinner and she lives a distance so we were going to start out early (my husband sleeps most of the day and stays up all night) so I let him sleep till 10:00 because I know he hadn't gotten much sleep and he had to drive! So when he woke up he was mad at me because I let him sleep a little longer and didn't wake him up sooner! So that just started off the whole day! He started with the dirty looks and the not talking to me again! I must also say he is like a ticking time bomb and has no PATIENCE whatsoever for anyone or anything! He is miserable 7 days a week, of course, because of me! We started driving and had to pick up his mom before because she was coming with us! As we were driving we got into another argument of many and he accused me of cheating (which is nothing new) I don't know where this comes from as I have no friends and do not go out of the house other than going to my mom and dads! He started with me in the car and one work led to another and he slapped me across my head and told me he was going to KILL ME! When we got to the first red light coming off the highway I wanted to get out of the car and he tried to prevent me from getting out holding me back and pulling me back in but I got out in the middle of nowhere and started to walk! He found me and I got back into the car and didn't really want to be with him but I didn't want to ruin the dinner so I went with him anyway not really wanting to be with him after what he had done to me! He will say I deserved it! Here I am the next morning feeling so confused, lonely and no one to talk to and don't know what to do anymore about this life! I feel like such a failure because I can't do anything about my life! I guess I am afraid and he always makes me feel bad for him!!!! I know I have to worry about ME but why can't I follow through! Is it me???? PLEASE IF ANYONE CAN GIVE ME ANY ADVICE I WOULD SO MUCH APPRECIATE IT! I AM SO CONFUSED AND AT THE END OF MY ROPE!!!! THANK YOU ALL! :(:(:(:(:(
 

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Oh, my, you're in deep!

Your own beliefs are holding you back from leaving. You probably don't think that you deserve to be treated fabulously, that you somehow deserve this kind of thing. You may think that if you do things "right" the abuse will stop. This is called magical thinking and you simply do not and never will have any power over his behavior. You don't even have enough influence to change what happens. If you did, it would have stopped years ago.

You did not say if you have children at home, whether your disability income is enough to support you, etc. but I highly encourage you to start planning your exit by stashing money aside, figuring out a safe place where you can go (a family member's house, a domestic abuse shelter, or a good friend if you have any left at this point.) Separate your finances as much as possible, and get yourself a pre-paid phone that he doesn't know about. Give the number to people you might turn to when abuse happens, and keep the phone hidden because he could try to cut off your communication with outsiders. Get extra copies of car keys and hide them as well. Make a list of all assets and bank accounts, too.

If you can get in to some counseling, I encourage it. Many people find it extremely hard to break away from abusive relationships. The "honeymoon phase" that happens after the abuse is addictive. You feel special, powerful, and loved while he's in the doghouse and trying to make it up to you, but it's always temporary. However, when you leave, you see the Mr. Wonderful side of him again and it's so easy to believe that he really does mean it this time. You want to believe it because if you don't, it means you've failed somehow.

When he says he will kill you, TAKE IT SERIOUSLY! It might not be today or tomorrow, but he's letting you know that he fantasizes killing you. He may deny it when confronted, but you've heard it and now you know it's there. Don't let yourself forget that he places so little value on you and so much on himself.
 

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Ask your parents if you can move in with them for a couple of weeks while you figure it all out??

See if you will be able to find a small apartment close walking distance to a cheap grocery store, etc... Will your SSD allow you to live like that? If not, you'll have to find a roommate.

Otherwise, You could divorce your hubby in your head.. treat him like the roommate from hell... still live with him, but just ignore the hell out of him?? Is that a viable option for you?
It doesn't sound fun, but if you can't financially live on your own, maybe ignoring him is the only way to stop the abuse.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Hi Kathy! Thank you so much for your response! I didn't have to write much and you knew exactly what was going on! It's so hard for me to read and acknowledge that I have a really big problem on my hands!! I do live in a magical world!! I am a forgiving person and never think about myself! I am 45 years old with 2 children, one daughter (22) in college becoming a pharmacist and a son (19) who lives at home deciding what he wants to do with himself! I do have limited income but have a mom and dad who are very supportive and would do anything to help me! I am reluctant to have to go back and live with my parents with my son and then my daughter comes home every few weeks and in the summer! I know I can't financially afford my own place right now I would have to save enough to be on my own! I do have a lawsuit pending because I was hit in the rear while stopped at a red light and sustained injuries that caused my RA to flare and currently still trying to get the RA to settle down with many drugs and constant pain! Also, another thing he could care less about his condition is worse (its always about him)! I know he has something wrong mentally but he doesn't think so and blames everything on me! It's all my fault!! I can do everything and he still wouldn't be happy! It is so damn depressing and sometimes I want to crawl under a rock and never come out! I feel powerless! No friends, lonely and so misunderstood! I do thank you for your reply and will do those things you told me to do! This has been so hard because I have never admitted or talked about this to strangers but I have nowhere to turn!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!
 

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This is certainly abuse and YOU DESERVE BETTER!!

Are there shelters near you, or even a domestic abuse hotline you can call? I'll bet they can hook you up with resources in your area, advice, and maybe even a temporary place to stay.

Good luck. I pray that this is the beginning of a wonderful new life for you
 

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J, if you can find out about domestic shelters in your area, you may find that there are plenty of people who understand. Plus, they often provide a place to stay and can even provide job training if there's something you can do despite your RA (and that won't interfere with your benefits.)

Remember that if you leave, you are entitled to half of your marital assets in most cases. (Some states do an "equitable distribution" but you won't be left empty handed.) This will help you when it comes to getting on your feet and supporting yourself financially.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Thank you all for your responses! I am going to try and reach deep inside and hope I can find the strength to get my life back! I have been so unhappy for so long I don't know any better!!! I wish I could stop letting him make me feel GUILTY! I am a smart person and I don't know why I allow him to do this to me! He seems to always make me think I did something wrong!!! It's never HIM! I'm glad I found this site maybe I can get enough encouragement to escape this horrible life!!!!!!
 
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