Hi all! I'm was so happy to find this site since I don't have any friends to talk to! I have been in a bad marriage for many years! I have been married for 23 years! My husband had been married before for a very short period of time! This last year has been so difficult and I don't know if I want to finally put and end to this! I was diagnosed with RA approximately 4 years ago and have been battling the illness! It has caused me to leave my job of 18 years and have to go out on SSD! My husband had a mild heart attack about 10 years ago and went out of work on SSD so I have been the main bread winner, maid, bill payer, etc. I did it all! So very stressful! My husband since he hasn't worked has become a different person! I have been in an abusive relationship for many years and don't know why I put up with it? I feel like a loser because I can't follow through with what I want because I somehow always feel bad for him but honestly he could care less about me! I have suffered with being given the SILENT TREATMENT sometimes would last weeks! He never trusted me as I'm always being accused of cheating (when I have never cheated)! Walking on EGG SHELLS is a common way of life in my house! My husband dissects everything I say and thinks about it and turns everything around and makes it completely my fault and everything is ALWAYS about him and his feelings! He always tells me I make him do the things he does because I make him upset and angry! For example, yesterday we were going out to his cousins house for dinner and she lives a distance so we were going to start out early (my husband sleeps most of the day and stays up all night) so I let him sleep till 10:00 because I know he hadn't gotten much sleep and he had to drive! So when he woke up he was mad at me because I let him sleep a little longer and didn't wake him up sooner! So that just started off the whole day! He started with the dirty looks and the not talking to me again! I must also say he is like a ticking time bomb and has no PATIENCE whatsoever for anyone or anything! He is miserable 7 days a week, of course, because of me! We started driving and had to pick up his mom before because she was coming with us! As we were driving we got into another argument of many and he accused me of cheating (which is nothing new) I don't know where this comes from as I have no friends and do not go out of the house other than going to my mom and dads! He started with me in the car and one work led to another and he slapped me across my head and told me he was going to KILL ME! When we got to the first red light coming off the highway I wanted to get out of the car and he tried to prevent me from getting out holding me back and pulling me back in but I got out in the middle of nowhere and started to walk! He found me and I got back into the car and didn't really want to be with him but I didn't want to ruin the dinner so I went with him anyway not really wanting to be with him after what he had done to me! He will say I deserved it! Here I am the next morning feeling so confused, lonely and no one to talk to and don't know what to do anymore about this life! I feel like such a failure because I can't do anything about my life! I guess I am afraid and he always makes me feel bad for him!!!! I know I have to worry about ME but why can't I follow through! Is it me???? PLEASE IF ANYONE CAN GIVE ME ANY ADVICE I WOULD SO MUCH APPRECIATE IT! I AM SO CONFUSED AND AT THE END OF MY ROPE!!!! THANK YOU ALL!