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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I don't want to go into details about what my wife did. Bottom line is she had a 6 month affair 4 years ago with a friend of ours. They called it off on their own and I was none the wiser. We moved out of state about 1.5 years ago. This last summer when she went home she reached out to him again. Supposedly nothing physically happened, though they were up to all hours texting and talking on the phone. During this 1 month visit home while I was back in our new state and home she told me she wanted a divorce. Though I knew things were not going the best for us I was completely broadsided. I flew out the next day and tried to sit with her and reason with her. Finally I got out of her that she had had an EA with him and she was done being miserable in our marriage and wanted to pursue a relationship where she would be happy. Over a series of events during the next week she decided she would stay and we would get counseling when we returned from vacation. Once home I confronted her. I told her it was time to be 100% honest and tell me everything. At that point she told me she had a 6 month A 4 years ago.
It has now been 6 weeks since DDay. We are in counseling and working towards saving our marriage. We have been married 18 years now and have 4 children, who we don't think know anything.
I love my wife to death. I do see the remorse and she is working her tail off to prove to me how sorry she is and how much she wants to make this work. I don't know if I can do this. I know this is a roller coaster of emotions and feelings. But every time I kiss her, or touch her or her me thoughts of him pop into my head. She keeps encouraging me to talk to her about how I am feeling. She tells me to let it rip, tear into her, let it out. At the same time I don't want to. We have had a very rough marriage and there has been so much hurt. I am so tired of the hurt. I am so tired of beating each other up. That is how we ended up in this place to begin with, never letting go, always trying to one up the other one until finally one of us took that fatal step. I am done with hurting each other, aside from the fact that there is nothing I can do to her at this point to one-up her, I am just done causing pain. I want to move forward and heal. I want to rebuild.
Here is the problem though. I cant deal with the thoughts of them together. I cant deal with trying to be intimate or just affectionate and seeing him there, thinking about everything she has done with him. Knowing that she gave herself to him. How do I get past this? Will these thoughts ever be gone? I don't know if I can do this for the rest of my life. It scares me because I have no desire to leave her. I love her and know that this is where I want to be. I see what she is doing and how hard she is working to make us better. We are better relationship wise than we have been since we got married.
Do these thoughts ever go away? How do you get past them? Does this ever heal? Or do I just have to deal with this for the rest of my marriage? I just want to wake up from this nightmare.
 

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Only you can tell the answer to those questions....years from now.

Each person is different. Some people can get past it, and some can't. I know myself, I could never get past it. I'd always have those thoughts.

Others can compartmentalize and put it away.

I wish you luck.
 

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This is tough to live with, I have the same issues with my wife's A. I still have the mind movies and the anger at times but it keeps getting to be less and less of a problem.

Part of your issues is that you have this hidden. Your wife tells you to let her have it OK. Does her family know about the A did you expose to the OM's wife, GF, Family. If no that could be part of your hang up. You are sucking it in. Did your wife get checked for STD's, I know it was a few years ago but that still should be done. Has she answered all your questions in the detail you require?

I know from experience if you do not get these things done it will keep causing you pain and problems.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
most of my questions have been answered. There are always more questions. But I also know there are some that I just don't want to know nor need to know. Unfortunately I don't compartmentalize, I obsess. I am trying to forgive and move on. But it keeps coming back up. He was such a part of our life for the last 10 years that everything is a reminder. No one knows except for a very few select people I have told. She has never told anyone and she never will, mostly out of shame. I don't want to tell anyone more. I see no point in it. It will only cause more stress, resentment, and continue to tear us both of down out of humiliation and anger. She used everyone around her to facilitate her A. Including dropping off our kids at my parents house to facilitate her meetings. I just don't see any advantage to telling anyone more. We have our network of people supporting us and encouraging us to work through it.
 

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OP,

I think that with time it will eventually be like any traumatic experience we have in life.

It becomes less a present reality in our lives, but you will be forever changed by it.

Its like a combat veteran. What they experienced has forever changed them. They are no longer the same person, and sometimes those emotions will come to the surface and have to be dealt with.

But as time goes on, the frequency of these episodes will probably decrease.
 

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You don't "get past it". It is now part of who you are. That is reality. What you can do, however, is to move on and be happy in life for yourself on your own terms. In your situation that will best be served without her.
 

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Typically exposure is to end the A. It seems your wife ended it (IMO).

You can get past it but it takes work. And I am not sure that you will ever forget it.

Forgiveness can come but again that takes work as well.

Your wife telling you to let it rip, etc. Let me say that there are ways for both of you to discuss these things in a better more productive way then "let it rip". Responding to your wife in anger is not productive at this point. But to let her know your feelings, thoughts, etc is fair and I believe is productive. To let her know the hurt, pain, doubt, anxiety, I do believe is productive and to allow her to help you heal is productivie and helpful.

My wife and I have been in R since May, and we had a false R from November 2011 till April of 2013, which sucked.

You can do it. It is hard work, but a lot of the healing I will say came from my wife helping me and it is still continuing.

Mind movies are about the worst thing I can think of about the truth comes out, but you can work through those as well.

Not everyone does make it but if you really do love you wife like you say, through love you can make it. I do believe that love conquers all. If you wife is true, repentive, remorseful, then I will say beyond a shadow of doubt that you can make it.

Don't look at today as a gauge of whether you can make it. I would set a time of say, January 2014. And see where you are then. Try to make it to January, don't worry about emotional set backs that come up, they will my friend and some will hit you hard and at the most inconveint time.

If your wife is true and you do love her, then give it more time.
 

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Do these thoughts ever go away? How do you get past them? Does this ever heal? Or do I just have to deal with this for the rest of my marriage? I just want to wake up from this nightmare.
To your questions. I can only speak as a BS two years post Dday.

1) The thoughts haven't gone away yet, but they are less frequent and less intense.

2) I don't think any BS can get completely past these type of thoughts.

3) Heal? I'm not sure how to define that, but the best you can hope for is that the wound scars over. But every time you look at the scar, you're reminded of what happened.

4) Yes you will have to deal with this for the rest of your marriage. The thoughts may subside but they'll never completely go away. That doesn't mean you can't have a successful R though. Only you can answer the question of whether they become manageable enough for you to keep going.
 

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I don't want to go into details about what my wife did. Bottom line is she had a 6 month affair 4 years ago with a friend of ours. They called it off on their own and I was none the wiser. We moved out of state about 1.5 years ago. This last summer when she went home she reached out to him again. Supposedly nothing physically happened, though they were up to all hours texting and talking on the phone. During this 1 month visit home while I was back in our new state and home she told me she wanted a divorce. Though I knew things were not going the best for us I was completely broadsided. I flew out the next day and tried to sit with her and reason with her. Finally I got out of her that she had had an EA with him and she was done being miserable in our marriage and wanted to pursue a relationship where she would be happy. Over a series of events during the next week she decided she would stay and we would get counseling when we returned from vacation. Once home I confronted her. I told her it was time to be 100% honest and tell me everything. At that point she told me she had a 6 month A 4 years ago.
It has now been 6 weeks since DDay. We are in counseling and working towards saving our marriage. We have been married 18 years now and have 4 children, who we don't think know anything.
I love my wife to death. I do see the remorse and she is working her tail off to prove to me how sorry she is and how much she wants to make this work. I don't know if I can do this. I know this is a roller coaster of emotions and feelings. But every time I kiss her, or touch her or her me thoughts of him pop into my head. She keeps encouraging me to talk to her about how I am feeling. She tells me to let it rip, tear into her, let it out. At the same time I don't want to. We have had a very rough marriage and there has been so much hurt. I am so tired of the hurt. I am so tired of beating each other up. That is how we ended up in this place to begin with, never letting go, always trying to one up the other one until finally one of us took that fatal step. I am done with hurting each other, aside from the fact that there is nothing I can do to her at this point to one-up her, I am just done causing pain. I want to move forward and heal. I want to rebuild.
Here is the problem though. I cant deal with the thoughts of them together. I cant deal with trying to be intimate or just affectionate and seeing him there, thinking about everything she has done with him. Knowing that she gave herself to him. How do I get past this? Will these thoughts ever be gone? I don't know if I can do this for the rest of my life. It scares me because I have no desire to leave her. I love her and know that this is where I want to be. I see what she is doing and how hard she is working to make us better. We are better relationship wise than we have been since we got married.
Do these thoughts ever go away? How do you get past them? Does this ever heal? Or do I just have to deal with this for the rest of my marriage? I just want to wake up from this nightmare.
I agree with the posts already given. They are on the mark.

Here is a little different take on it using the bolded parts as discussion points...

You are expecting too much too soon. Six weeks past d-day, and you are looking for peace and a R.

I tried to put things past me in a similar way. It really is next to impossible to skip the steps of grief. We so want to accept the past, that we short change ourselves. We deny ourselves the choice to feel the things associated with the betrayal.

In other words, you can really decided to R until you have processed it for a longer time.

Don't get into a trap of making yourself R in a short time frame. There is no time limit on your choice.

The "why" of the affair can make us crazy. I think you should be focused on the "why" part of saving the marriage instead.

Why keep a wife that you can't trust? Why keep a marriage that clearly has been one-sided?

I know it has more to do with the kids and/or the money. Been there.

Hope you do find peace. It is the worst time in life for most of us.
 

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I am not convinced the A is really closed. She took a trip back home and talked with him. Well maybe they did have sex and maybe the did not. The exposure is to make sure there is a stake in the heart of the A. In my mind there is a doubt the A is truly over. As for the POS if he is married his bs deserves to know as well.

I would give that more thought. She will never travel back home again with out you? You need to make sure the A is dead. I tried the route of taking the high road does not work and again causes more pain.

if the POS your wife slept with has no problems in his life he will go back fishing for her in the future. You do not need that.

The A did not end four years ago it was going on last summer as either and EA or a PA. I would not believe that last summer they just talked. Sounds like a lot of BS

I hope you guys do R but she only is going to respect you if she thinks you are willing to end the marriage and you cannot be a nice guy. You need to be Alpha and take charge
 

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Brother,

First of all, I am sorry you are here. Second of all, be very vigilant. I hope you can reconcile, but so many people here have gone through false reconciliations.

She seems to be doing the heavy lifting and transparency needed for R but remember she is an accomplished liar. She was leading a double life for a long time and letting you believe she was being faithful which was not the case.

Her Affair was HER fault. It was no one else's. She cheated on you for the simple reason she wanted to. Remember that. She could very well do it again so you will always be vigilant.

The feelings and memories never go away, but they will lessen in time. It is almost 2 years from my DDay and I have pretty well moved on. Everyone is different.

Right now, focus on what you really want to do with your life. Write a bucket list and start doing those things. Focus on the positive. If you have anger, the gym is a great place for it. It does wonders in may ways.

A Heavy bag is a good alternative to getting in trouble with the law.

You cannot have your old marriage back. It was destroyed. You can have a new one where you are not so blind in love and you pay attention more. R will be hard and the chances of you doing it instead of D are not that great. However if you BOTH and I mean BOTH work hard toward it, life will get better. Do NOT assume she has quit her Affair with him because she is being nice.

You may have hard feelings toward her but let her know you love her and hold her accountable. Don't be too mushy here. She lost respect for you to have an Affair and you need her to respect you if you will R. Be strong, not overbearing but don't put up with any crap from her and demand nicely she be transparent in all things.

I would snoop on her. Don't for one instance think she is doing the hard work. Cheaters often pretend to R while they figure an exit strategy. Trust but Verify.

I wish you well and hope that you will have a successful R. God bless brother.
 

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No one knows except for a very few select people I have told. She has never told anyone and she never will, mostly out of shame. I don't want to tell anyone more. I see no point in it. It will only cause more stress, resentment, and continue to tear us both of down out of humiliation and anger. She used everyone around her to facilitate her A. Including dropping off our kids at my parents house to facilitate her meetings. I just don't see any advantage to telling anyone more.
LNS

I respect your decision here... but, always the but...

Her affair(s) are the 800lb monkey always lurking in the corner of your marriage. By keeping it a secret from family, she really has never had to "own it" as her fault, her decision, her betrayal. Therefore, you are left pretty much alone to deal with it, analysis it, live every day with it in the back of your mind.

I myself am 4+ years out from my wife affairs and DD. She was also very ashamed and wanted to keep it a secret from everyone. I told her I would not live that way around family with this secret. Either she told the truth or I would not stay. No more secrets.

BTW, when she left for a month to visit "family" she met with "Him" and they had sex again. When she requested a divorce, she was replacing you. You like every other betrayed spouse wants to paint the best from the worst possible situation. I did too. It's a survivable mechanism wired innately.

Hear a truth... Regarding cheaters, there is always more than admitted to. Fact.
 

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I agree that it is quite likely that she resumed the physical affair when she went back again and then asked you for a divorce. A woman with children would not ask for a divorce from you unless the affair was physical again.
1. You need to get tested for STD's
2. Since she has the affair 4 years ago and recently is it possible that she could have gotten pregnant from him? If a child fits the time line then you need for them to get tested for paternity.

You seem awfully forgiving. She cheats on you for a period of time with your good friend 4 years ago and goes back and continues to cheat on you and then asks for a divorce.
I sense that you are one of the good guys and she knows that even with you knowing about her sexual affair you would never divorce her so really she had nothing to lose.

She truly humiliated and disrespected you in the worst possible way with a good friend which is a double betrayal. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would have been so forgiving and accepting as you have been? Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change down the line. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck to you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I understand what many of you are saying about being a door mat. This is one of my biggest fears that she is just playing the game, the last four years of our lives have been a complete lie. The return to him this summer concerns me greatly as this tells me she was not sorry the first time and that she was seeking to reconcile with him. This is a discussion we will be having tonight. She needs to be honest with herself and me about what she was trying to do. She still has not come to grips with how long the EA went on before the PA. I believe it was years she says only a couple months at the most. As for the truth I know she is hiding stuff. But I do believe that she has been honest in all of the questions I have directly answered. Again my fear is that she will do this again. I have little to no faith in her at this point. I don't trust her at all. If it wasn't for the fact that we are so far removed from where it happened I wouldn't let her out of my site. As for her facing the fire with family, I have often thought that myself. She only had to deal with myself and 2 other people. I don't know that involving any one else serves a purpose. But as usual she gets to play the perfect wife in front of everyone else. And yes this bothers me. But again, I don't see how telling everyone will help us move forward.
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OP, there is no room for secrets in a healthy marriage. That is a cancer to your relationship with your spouse. Do not confuse secrecy with privacy (personal grooming, etc).
 

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I cant deal with trying to be intimate or just affectionate and seeing him there, thinking about everything she has done with him. Knowing that she gave herself to him. How do I get past this?
Two things Dawg. 1. You have no choice but to deal with it. 2. He didn't do anything that you can't or haven't done.
Since no physical damage done during their get togethers, your biggest concern should be if they were getting together since the purported 4 year hiatus. If she reached out, spent time with this dude, and asked you for a divorce, I have mind movies seeing them together.
What's worse is the likelihood she's back with you because her plan to sail off into the sunset with this character fell through and you're the fall back guy. Women don't get back with their boyfriends (prior or current), ask for a divorce so they can find a relationship they like, and change their mind to become the model wife in a week. When a woman says she wants to leave you to find a person to make her happy, it means she has already found that person my man.
 

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MY firt though, beyond trying to get the treal truth from her is about whas really going on untill she decided to recommit is... exactly this, her real reasons to recommit. My guess is OM dumped her or made himself unaviable for a the future he promised her for so long once he realized things got really serious.

What reasons did she give for changing her mind from D to R?
 
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