Good luck OP. Be smart about this and take your time, just make sure you are able to keep your cool while you collect evidence. And you can just call it quits at any time as well -- she is really being pretty awful -- but you seem to be the kind of guy who really needs concrete evidence to move on. And that's okay. So just be cool about it and get it done. We'll be here for you.
So Lonely!
Hello All,
Married 32 years, ME 57, W50.
Last fall my Wife had COVID really bad and she was hurt that I was not there by her side to take care of her. I had COVID too and did not provide her to the support she needed. I did support, but according to her it was not enough, so she shutdown completely and cut off all intimacy (Sex, Kisses, Touch, etc.).
She said I was not there for her, when she needed me and indicated ILYBNINLWY and wanted a Divorce.
She threatened to leave the house, but without a reason decided not to leave. She also put the Divorce on hold, because we have 2 grown kids, who are not able to support themselves financially on their own right now.
She has repeatedly told me no sex or intimacy of any type, because that is what would make me feel good and she does not need that at the moment. She also does not undress around me and demands that we shower when the other person is not around, in other words, we take turns. She also took off her Wedding Ring and at some point indicated, that we are not together anymore. I have been trying to initiate conversation with her, but she is always very angry and mean to me. I have been backing off and for the most part we go an entire day with just a Good Morning and Good Night. We still sleep in the same bed, but she gets as far away from me as possible.
This really sucks. She initially recommended Marriage Counseling, but I hesitated a bit, given our history of previous MC, in which the changes were short-lived, on my part. We both went on to perform IC, I still continue to this day. She has since finished and not gone back. I have trying repeatedly to get her back to MC, but has refused, until about 2 months ago.
For the most part, she has been living her own life; going out with Friends, etc. I have been trying to do the same but have been spending too much time trying to emotionally connect with her, to no avail. We have been in a sexless and emotionless Marriage. She has loss some Weight and now has a renewed interest in the Gym, uses a Personal Trainer.
About 3 weeks ago, there was a sudden shift in her behavior, after she noticed, I was starting to withdraw from the chasing. She is now talking to me more often, and we go out together to places. She also started giving me hugs. She does not want any more Physical contact, other than that. Wants to take it slow.
Over these last 7 months, I have noticed some odd behavior from her (missing time, texting someone, waiting for a response and then saying stuff like "going to get some fries" or "going to get a "pot". Returns over 2.5 hours later. This happened over to consecutive Saturday evenings, around the same time. I have just not pondered too much on this, because do not want to appear paranoid, but my gut is screaming.
At this point I am emotionally tired of me giving, giving, giving and her not doing anything to make the Marriage strong again. I am doing all the work. She has not mentioned Divorce anymore, but has indicated, she still has a lot of hurt and is stuck. I switched IC and after telling the new Counselor about our situation and the weird stuff, he indicated that she may be having an Affair.
So only recently has the Climate has improved in the house, but I am exhausted by the mental gymnastics. She indicates she does not know whether our current Relationship will work, but continues to go about her daily life, like nothing is happening.
I have since offered to get away together, but she made it clear that it should not be an overnight trip.
I am just tired of this.
Married 32 years, ME 57, W50.
Last fall my Wife had COVID really bad and she was hurt that I was not there by her side to take care of her. I had COVID too and did not provide her to the support she needed. I did support, but according to her it was not enough, so she shutdown completely and cut off all intimacy (Sex, Kisses, Touch, etc.).
She said I was not there for her, when she needed me and indicated ILYBNINLWY and wanted a Divorce.
She threatened to leave the house, but without a reason decided not to leave. She also put the Divorce on hold, because we have 2 grown kids, who are not able to support themselves financially on their own right now.
She has repeatedly told me no sex or intimacy of any type, because that is what would make me feel good and she does not need that at the moment. She also does not undress around me and demands that we shower when the other person is not around, in other words, we take turns. She also took off her Wedding Ring and at some point indicated, that we are not together anymore. I have been trying to initiate conversation with her, but she is always very angry and mean to me. I have been backing off and for the most part we go an entire day with just a Good Morning and Good Night. We still sleep in the same bed, but she gets as far away from me as possible.
This really sucks. She initially recommended Marriage Counseling, but I hesitated a bit, given our history of previous MC, in which the changes were short-lived, on my part. We both went on to perform IC, I still continue to this day. She has since finished and not gone back. I have trying repeatedly to get her back to MC, but has refused, until about 2 months ago.
For the most part, she has been living her own life; going out with Friends, etc. I have been trying to do the same but have been spending too much time trying to emotionally connect with her, to no avail. We have been in a sexless and emotionless Marriage. She has loss some Weight and now has a renewed interest in the Gym, uses a Personal Trainer.
About 3 weeks ago, there was a sudden shift in her behavior, after she noticed, I was starting to withdraw from the chasing. She is now talking to me more often, and we go out together to places. She also started giving me hugs. She does not want any more Physical contact, other than that. Wants to take it slow.
Over these last 7 months, I have noticed some odd behavior from her (missing time, texting someone, waiting for a response and then saying stuff like "going to get some fries" or "going to get a "pot". Returns over 2.5 hours later. This happened over to consecutive Saturday evenings, around the same time. I have just not pondered too much on this, because do not want to appear paranoid, but my gut is screaming.
At this point I am emotionally tired of me giving, giving, giving and her not doing anything to make the Marriage strong again. I am doing all the work. She has not mentioned Divorce anymore, but has indicated, she still has a lot of hurt and is stuck. I switched IC and after telling the new Counselor about our situation and the weird stuff, he indicated that she may be having an Affair.
So only recently has the Climate has improved in the house, but I am exhausted by the mental gymnastics. She indicates she does not know whether our current Relationship will work, but continues to go about her daily life, like nothing is happening.
I have since offered to get away together, but she made it clear that it should not be an overnight trip.
I am just tired of this.
21 - 36 of 36 Posts
I'm with you 100%, but if he confronts without evidence she is going to gaslight the **** out of him, so he needs the evidence. Honestly, he has the GPS in place, he just needs to set a few VAR under the seat in her car and in a room where she might talk on the phone when he's not around, and get to her phone to see what's there, then keep his cool for a bit. Collect his evidence and be ready to see where she goes next time she goes on one of her impromptu "gym visits." In the meantime, he needs to be working on himself so he can take decisive action when he does get the proof, because he'll get it, I'm really pretty certain of that. As long as he can keep his cool.OK, this just keeps getting worse, to the point of absurdity.
Dressing sexy and putting on extra make up to go to the gym for four hours. Seriously?
And what do you mean by “leave the phone unguarded occasionally”?? Do you not have full access to her phone?
So what are you going to DO?
You’re out of time for evolution, it’s time for a revolution. Stop ****ing around and start taking serious action right now.
Are you going to keep talking and thinking and pondering, or are you going to take control of your situation and take decisive action?
You’re absolutely right about the evidence gathering and not confronting her on any suspicions of an affair until he gathers evidence.I'm with you 100%, but if he confronts without evidence she is going to gaslight the **** out of him, so he needs the evidence. Honestly, he has the GPS in place, he just needs to set a few VAR under the seat in her car and in a room where she might talk on the phone when he's not around, and get to her phone to see what's there, then keep his cool for a bit. Collect his evidence and be ready to see where she goes next time she goes on one of her impromptu "gym visits." In the meantime, he needs to be working on himself so he can take decisive action when he does get the proof, because he'll get it, I'm really pretty certain of that. As long as he can keep his cool.
But that doesn’t stop him from laying down some serious expectations and boundaries for their marriage while he’s quietly investigating.
It doesn’t stop him from refusing to tolerate any more of her ******** or bad behavior.
It doesn’t stop him from telling her very clearly “here’s what I expect in my marriage, and what we have right now is completely unacceptable and it’s not going to continue this way.”
She may just tell him to **** off and that she has no intention of ever being an acceptable wife (which she is already clearly showing through her actions).
in which case, his next steps are clear, whether she’s cheating or not.
Living in a no-fault state simply means you have grounds because you've lived separate and apart for a specified period of time. For example, in VA it is 6 months. In MD it is 1 year.Yes, could get a PI. Just need a strategy and then find one. I live in a no-fault state.
You don't need grounds to file. You don't need a "strategy." Look, as I said before, your wife is treating you like crap. What difference does it make if she's boinking another man?
I don't understand all this spying on her. She has already told you she doesn't love you anymore as a husband. In her mind, I don't think she is married anymore. It's not as if she hasn't told you. Whether she has any interest in other men or not, she has made clear she's not interested in you anymore. You should just finalize a divorce. I guess some women hang in there for the kids or for financial reasons after they don't care about you anymore, but it's very rare they start to care again after they lose that loving feeling.
Sure she's going to have some reaction to some things just because of all the pattern you guys have established over the years of having a connection.
You so just tell her if she's ready to go forward with divorce, let's get it under way.
Sure she's going to have some reaction to some things just because of all the pattern you guys have established over the years of having a connection.
You so just tell her if she's ready to go forward with divorce, let's get it under way.
You don't need evidence for a divorce. It has no role. You don't need a reason to get a divorce and no one's going to throw more assets your way for proving somebody else's a cheater.. the courts just don't get involved in that. And even assuming they did, just because you might prove your spouse was a cheater doesn't mean you weren't also a cheater but your spouse didn't bother to prove it. So it's just a non-issue and a waste of time.
Ok so he has stated its a no fault state. So the only need for evidence of adultry could be to facilitate custody of the children and alimony. He doesnt need a reason to file. He may however wish to satisfy his desire to know what the hell has happened to his marriage, but can turn out expensive and just more pain shopping to boot.
Also if you have more than one car, why not trip down to the gym, like maybe 30 minutes after she leaves and see for yourself whats really going on. Take pics of your own of anything not proper for a married woman. Then head home, know in your mind its over and file the next day. No waiting, no p.i. $. No more games.
Another doormat, afraid, dependent of a woman's crumps. A man that cowardly accepts all disrespect as long as she doesn't leave. How pathetic that is.
Dude, you don't need to find out Jack **** about her. She already told you she doesn't love you, what else do you need to just serve her with divorce papers. I think you need to find your gonads from wherever is it that you lost them, and get your self respect and dignity back.
I wouldn't have put up one day over after my wife telling me that she no longer loves me. I just wonder what the heck are you afraid of? You're a grown man.
Dude, you don't need to find out Jack **** about her. She already told you she doesn't love you, what else do you need to just serve her with divorce papers. I think you need to find your gonads from wherever is it that you lost them, and get your self respect and dignity back.
I wouldn't have put up one day over after my wife telling me that she no longer loves me. I just wonder what the heck are you afraid of? You're a grown man.
It's time to consult a lawyer,
you mentioned your children and your wife has private hours,
Don't justify being cheated on by excuses, don't be the supplier of her relationships.
start your own personal development in therapy, prepare for post-marriage.
your wife should not be able to use your emotional problems for her own personal comfort. she will guide and manipulate you as you try to fix it,
you mentioned your children and your wife has private hours,
Don't justify being cheated on by excuses, don't be the supplier of her relationships.
start your own personal development in therapy, prepare for post-marriage.
your wife should not be able to use your emotional problems for her own personal comfort. she will guide and manipulate you as you try to fix it,
All you are going to get is deflections, gaslightings, anger. Me, if I were you, I would just give her divorce papers. That's more effective than trying to tell crap that she obviously doesn't care about it.Will be going with DudeinProgress - Option 1 tonight or tomorrow after my IC session.
Nothing more telling and explanatory like putting those divorce papers on her hand, because you would know right away, were you stand from her reaction. I mean, if you have the guts to do it, to begin with.
Could you follow her when she disappears for hours?Exit37, She does not do girls night out much, but will occasionally hang out with one of her "girlfriends", for a quick bite to eat. I know all of them as close family friends. She comes home before 10:00. The most disturbing ones to me, is when she suddenly needs to leave at moments notice and is texting someone and pacing around the house waiting for a reply. Then she leaves without saying who she going to see and says something odd, like going to get a book and then gone for up to 3 hours. Does the same exact thing when going to the gym. Puts on her most revealing gym ware and more makeup then usual. Can be gone for up to 4 hours. Will put the tracker back on and watch it over several weeks. She does leave the phone unguarded occasionally. Yes, could get a PI. Just need a strategy and then find one. I live in a no-fault state. Thanks.
Doesn't matter for that either. Addiction and violence are about the only things that would keep you from getting your kids split custody. Again just because you prove someone was cheating doesn't prove you weren't and the courts don't care. They only care about neglect of the children as far as the custody goes. They may care about frivolous expenditure of joint finances after divorce is filed and before it's final. I saw a case where the court got involved in that. The man was spending thousands of dollars on a aging prostitute he had moved in with him and was calling her a cook. She was covered with pimp tattoos saying what her specialty was and marking her as property. Her license plate and the word lick in it. It wasn't even about custody of the children or cheating. It was about him spending their assets and she was able to recover that.Ok so he has stated its a no fault state. So the only need for evidence of adultry could be to facilitate custody of the children and alimony. He doesnt need a reason to file. He may however wish to satisfy his desire to know what the hell has happened to his marriage, but can turn out expensive and just more pain shopping to boot.
After all how often do you see someone who's a sinner and someone who's a saint married to each other?
@DownByTheRiver has it ...
Sure....waste time on a fact finding mission....That's like looking for dog **** at the dog park...Who cares?
It aint about the Covid, that's just her way to make you feel like you are the villain here....Its a smokescreen...
She told you everything you need to hear....Waste no time on anything other than what you are going to do with your life moving forward and how are your kids going to deal with it and get themselves on sure footing....
"putting your foot down" is a waste of time here....You will look like an idiot...
She probably just hasn't figured out how to officially get away from you, so she wants you to leave her alone so she can do what she wants until that time comes...You can do the same thing, just make sure if you are co habitating that she pays her fair share, similar to a room mate....And make sure she does whatever is needed for her part of taking care of the kids needs as well....Everything else is done...
Don't get crazy...Stay calm and get your ducks in a row.....Forget about worrying what she does, its like worrying about the garbage you put out at the corner....You are done with it, there is nothing more to concern yourself over...
Sure....waste time on a fact finding mission....That's like looking for dog **** at the dog park...Who cares?
It aint about the Covid, that's just her way to make you feel like you are the villain here....Its a smokescreen...
She told you everything you need to hear....Waste no time on anything other than what you are going to do with your life moving forward and how are your kids going to deal with it and get themselves on sure footing....
"putting your foot down" is a waste of time here....You will look like an idiot...
She probably just hasn't figured out how to officially get away from you, so she wants you to leave her alone so she can do what she wants until that time comes...You can do the same thing, just make sure if you are co habitating that she pays her fair share, similar to a room mate....And make sure she does whatever is needed for her part of taking care of the kids needs as well....Everything else is done...
Don't get crazy...Stay calm and get your ducks in a row.....Forget about worrying what she does, its like worrying about the garbage you put out at the corner....You are done with it, there is nothing more to concern yourself over...
This started long before she brought up the Covid crap. She’s just using that to justify what she’s doing, and to make it look like your fault. Your wife is having an affair. As far as her spending time with friends, and those visits being proven, how are they proven? Because those friends tell you that? Your wife’s friends and family will stick up for her and help her cheat. She has them convinced that you’re a horrible husband and that you deserve nothing that she has and that she deserves so much better and they are all on her side. You have no clue the depths of what she has told people and how she has this entire situation under her control.
Your wife is cheating. Even if she was not cheating, at the very best, she is being a rotten wife, and she does not give two craps about you or your feelings. You are her husband, and there is zero respect for that. She’s doing what she’s doing because she wants to do it. She just doesn’t want to feel horrible that she has made this choice so she’s found ways to blame you for it. Get a grip, wake up, file. Your wife’s a *****.
Your wife is cheating. Even if she was not cheating, at the very best, she is being a rotten wife, and she does not give two craps about you or your feelings. You are her husband, and there is zero respect for that. She’s doing what she’s doing because she wants to do it. She just doesn’t want to feel horrible that she has made this choice so she’s found ways to blame you for it. Get a grip, wake up, file. Your wife’s a *****.
Another thing -- if I were you, I'd REALLY start separating your life NOW. She is living as single, but depending on you to foot a lot of the bills I bet. Separate your life, do the 180 with her, separate your $$$ -- let her pay half since she wants to be single and will have to get used to living like that anyway. You need to start doing your OWN hobbies, nights out, etc.. Be close with your kids, but honestly stop living trying to make her life better, stop any MC since she isn't being honest -- just do the 180 with her.
Can you move her to a different bedroom -- after all SHE is the one that started all this.....
Can you move her to a different bedroom -- after all SHE is the one that started all this.....
21 - 36 of 36 Posts
Talk About Marriage
A forum community dedicated to married life between you and your spouse. Come join the discussion about love, romance, health, behavior, conflict resolution, care, and more!
Full Forum Listing
Top Contributors this Month
View All
DownByTheRiver
785 Replies
RandomDude
496 Replies
heather42
464 Replies
Recommended Communities
