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My wife and I have been married over ten years and have three children (11, 9, 7). Over the past year or two she’s been going through what I would call a mid-life crisis. After focusing on the kids so much while they were young she is now trying to find a new meaning for herself as they don’t need that support as much. Anyway, needless to say, our relationship has been on an up and down rollercoaster during this time.

And while that’s true, I never really suspected that she would be cheating on me until recently, when I happened to come across texts on her phone from one of her previous co-workers where she said things like “I miss you”. I thought that was odd but not proof of anything as they did have a close working relationship and she’s been unhappy with her job lately.

Anyways, my suspicion antenna went up and I started to pry into things more, looking at her texts daily (or when I could unnoticed) and looking at her text log online (no message content, just a log the time a text was sent/received and from who).

So here is what I found: of the 478 texts she’s sent/received over the past month, 213 were between her and this guy. The next runner up, her closest girlfriend, was at 78. Hmmm….

And I didn’t find any texts on her phone for a while (she must have been deleting them), until this past week (I took pictures of them for my records):

First texts:
Him: I have a meeting at 3:30, but you could come visit from 2:45-3:30
Her: I can’t visit today, I have stuff to do. Perhaps wed or thur?

Texts from the next day:
Her: Sneaking out of work is proving to be very difficult this year. Uhg. Sorry… … sucks.
Him: Hmmmm….
Her: Mad?
Him: Of course not! You still may deserve a punishment though.
Her: Nice!!!
Him: I suggest you sneak out for an hour. ;)
Her: I wish, I’m still at work.

At this point, I’m pretty sure they’re having an affair. But I feel like I need more evidence before I confront her. I’m thinking of putting tracking/spy software on her cell phone.

Any advice? I’m pretty mad and upset and this whole thing is making me a mess inside. I feel like I need to talk to her about it, but I think I should get more evidence first. But even that is killing me!
 

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I'd say you have a smoking gun there. What else could it possibly be?? I am so sorry :(

Although you're right, if you confront with that she'll deny deny deny.

I say hell yeah to the spy software. Put a VAR in her car too. And keylogger on her computer. And anything else you can think of.

Stop having sex till you get whatever else you need - have you been tested for STD's?

Also there's a link for CWI newbies in my signature. Have a read. And keep posting. It sucks to be here, I know, but sadly many of us are.
 

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no more evidence needed.... she is and has been cheating, and you're in denial.

soryy this is happening
I would confront her with what you have and if she denies say ok then you won't mind taking a polygraph test. You may get her spilling the beans.
 

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I would confront her with what you have and if she denies say ok then you won't mind taking a polygraph test. You may get her spilling the beans.
Except that then he tips his hand.

Right now he has no idea how long it's gone on, if it's just the one guy, etc. I would want to know, myself.

It's obvious she's having sex with this guy, but that's all he knows right now. I know I regret tipping my hand on D day and not finding out the extent of things before I confronted.
 

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I don't think you are in denial, you just want more evidence. But it will be a waste of money. You have all the evidence you need. How can she deny with what you have already. And the text where she says it's been tough sneaking out "this year". As opposed to last year?

The texting averages 7 per day with him. Your wife should not be texting another man 7x per day.

If you have the phone number you could easily find out his name. And where he lives, and if he is married.
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I would not want to know anymore than that. I don't understand everyones need to spy on someone to find out what you already know....and find out things that will crush you. Accept it and plan accordingly. IMO

I just can't fathom how someone would do this with children involved.
 

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I'd find more stuff before you confront. I doesn't look good at all.

I'd recommend a VAR voice activated recorder in her car.

Go through the logs and see when they are texting, and when the aren't. You want yo figure out the best time to catch them.

Also, it looks like they hook up either at lunch or right after work. What's her schedule like, use it to see when they hook up, and even try to find out where.

Check her credit card, look for restaurants and bars after work and look for hotels.

Do not confront too soon.

Also find out all you can about the OM, especially if he is married. Exposure to his wife is your very best first strike, much better tan you confronting your wife.
 

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I'd say you have a smoking gun there. What else could it possibly be?? I am so sorry :(

Although you're right, if you confront with that she'll deny deny deny.

I say hell yeah to the spy software. Put a VAR in her car too. And keylogger on her computer. And anything else you can think of.

Stop having sex till you get whatever else you need - have you been tested for STD's?

Also there's a link for CWI newbies in my signature. Have a read. And keep posting. It sucks to be here, I know, but sadly many of us are.
I guess he could keylog the computer but 213 texts to the guy he didn't say besides the gf of any others he found suspect but I see your point
 

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This is argueable enough evidence, but if you want a smoking gun then grap hold of your self and go all James Bond on her @ss.

I personally would get the spywere, VAR and keylogger. I would want undeniable proof so that my confrontation was more effective.

They way I see it is you have no proof they have met, "they were just joking and would never do that to you, we are just friends playing games..its just a fantasy and I'll stop all contact"

Then your wife contacts OM at work and rearranges a stealthier way to contact...it goes deeper underground.

Confronting now will not give you the answers you are looking for, going colvert and quitely investigating will yeild more answers.

I believe she can lie her way out of this IMHO.

If you want to know if they have slept together then you need more. Do you have the strength?

Ive been there and it is one of the hardest things to do....looking your wife in the eyes as she lies to your face....as you wait for days for that smoking gun....day in and day out know that only half the story she is telling you. In my case I had the strength to watch and wait and I got what I needed to blow my wifes affair wide open.
 

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I would not want to know anymore than that. I don't understand everyones need to spy on someone to find out what you already know....and find out things that will crush you. Accept it and plan accordingly. IMO
Sorry, I am not familiar with your story. Have you been cheated on?

When I found out, I kicked him out, but now that we're reconciling I wish I knew more. I never looked at his phone to see exactly who he called and/or texted - all I have is his word. I never saw one of his email inboxes or his online accounts to verify what he told me about never actually hooking up with anyone - all I have is his word. It would have been a huge help to my own recovery to have that information verified. Now I never will.

I just can't fathom how someone would do this with children involved.
TOTALLY agree :(
 

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They way I see it is you have no proof they have met, "they were just joking and would never do that to you, we are just friends playing games..its just a fantasy and I'll stop all contact"

Then your wife contacts OM at work and rearranges a stealthier way to contact...it goes deeper underground.

Confronting now will not give you the answers you are looking for, going colvert and quitely investigating will yeild more answers.

I believe she can lie her way out of this IMHO.
:iagree: We all know she's slept with the guy, but the OP might still be swayed by the lies she will tell if confronted with what he has right now.
 

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The good thing about getting more proof is you have the confidence to take the next step. That smoking gun validates and justifies the course of act you take.

I think you get more answers... the answers that confirms the hard stance one needs to take to stop the affair.

You have a better chance of stopping the affair with a smoking gun.
 

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Sorry, I am not familiar with your story. Have you been cheated on?

When I found out, I kicked him out, but now that we're reconciling I wish I knew more. I never looked at his phone to see exactly who he called and/or texted - all I have is his word. I never saw one of his email inboxes or his online accounts to verify what he told me about never actually hooking up with anyone - all I have is his word. It would have been a huge help to my own recovery to have that information verified. Now I never will.


TOTALLY agree :(
no, never cheated on.
 

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I would not want to know anymore than that. I don't understand everyones need to spy on someone to find out what you already know....and find out things that will crush you. Accept it and plan accordingly. IMO

I just can't fathom how someone would do this with children involved.
Its hard to except the unfathomable...the person you love doing this to you.

My point is with the evidence OP has is easily swept under the rug. Hell she may go straight for years...only to relaps later in the marriage. I say get the smoking gun and make WW face the reality.

Its hard to get a cheater to face consequences when they didn't do anything wrong except for some fantasy chats and make believe jokes between two friends.

The smoking gun justifies the consequences a cheat needs to face to keep there marriage.
 

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At the very least do a little more research on the OM. Who is he, is he married or does her have a GF?

This info is impotant in fieghting and stopping the affair.

There is no better way to stop an affair then to expose the affair to the affairs partner's spouse.

At the very least find out who this guy is..again this info will have a better effect on the confrontation.
 

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At the very least find out all you can about this ex coworker.

before you canfront you can expose the affair to his wife or girl friend.

there is no better way to stop an affair then to expose it to the affair patners wife or GF. THIS IS A MUST!
 

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First texts:
Him: I have a meeting at 3:30, but you could come visit from 2:45-3:30
Her: I can’t visit today, I have stuff to do. Perhaps wed or thur?

Texts from the next day:
Her: Sneaking out of work is proving to be very difficult this year. Uhg. Sorry… … sucks.
Him: Hmmmm….
Her: Mad?
Him: Of course not! You still may deserve a punishment though.
Her: Nice!!!
Him: I suggest you sneak out for an hour. ;)
Her: I wish, I’m still at work.

At this point, I’m pretty sure they’re having an affair. But I feel like I need more evidence before I confront her.
Sorry but you do not need more evidence before you confront. The above proves that she is sneaking out of the work for quickies with him. Better evidence than the above is hard to find and you should not allow this to continue as you wait for more evidence. Yes she will deny, lie and make up a ridiculous excuse for the above texts, but so what. No matter how good the evidence cheaters will always deny no matter what. The only one that you need to convince is yourself before you take action.

1) Lay low and secretly see an attorney right now and have him draft the papers for a divorce. Do this even if you want to try to save this marraige because your best odds of saving this marraige is if she believes that you are willing to walk away. She has lost respect for you (cheaters always do) and you need to get that back. She cannot be in love with someone that she does not respect.

2) Protect your assets as best as you can.

3) Let her know that you know about the other man without telling her how you know. Tell her that you know that she is cheating for sure and that you do not have to prove it to her since she already knows.

4) Tell her that you are ready to have her served but wanted to talk to her prior to doing so. Tell her that you want to know everything from her point of view and that this is a one time offer. Ignore her denials and screaming and act confident.

5) If you want to try reconciliation, require full disclosure and remorse from her.

I am so sorry that you are here. Be well and good luck.
 
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