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I was shell shocked to say the least. I figured after cutting away all the dead flesh of my previous incredibly toxic relationship I was ready for the next chapter in my life.

I went out, got the perfect ring and when I got on one knee she said she couldn't say yes at that time. I wanted to cry cause I have a son with this woman, but first I asked her why and she said after all that happened with my ex fiance she said shes not sure I fully healed from it. That I'm proposing to her as a way to prove I'm over my ex instead of wanting to spend my life with her but thats extremely untrue!!!

She told me she truly loves me and wants to marry me and started crying and so did I but said she just couldn't make that commitment if any part of her doubted the validity of my commitment to her(paraphrased obviously, real words too emotional and private)

I kept her out of handling my ex fiance trying to insert herself back into my life so I think that must be why she doesn't know how over it is.

She is the love of my life, and I want to spend my life with her and have more children, I realize that now after I quit bullsh!ting about my issues.

How can I get her to realize that I've truly coped with the affair of my ex?

I know I'm over it and definitely over my ex. She was just readmitted again for a psych eval in the hospital(some friends told me and then I told them not to tell me about her anymore) and honestly I don't give a sh!t and have no plan to call or visit or anything.

For the past week we've been going by semi normally but its like theres a wall between us and I'm terrified to address it and doubly terrified to bring up marriage again cause I don't know what I'll do if I get shot down twice. :(

Sorry this update came late I got banned for a bit.
 

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I am so sorry but that "no" sound more like a "yes" with stipulations to me.

Background please. Save us the hassle of backtracking. What happened with your ex? Affair? EA? PA? Spill the beans please.
 

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From your other thread, less than a month ago.

Oh yeah, my GF isn't my fiancee yet. I want to change that, but I've still been having some issues coming to make that commitment.
Even if you have gotten over all your issues in the space of a month, it's going to take longer for her to see that. She'll need time.
 

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I'm sorry to hear that Kasler. But as Falene suggested, she does love you she didn't really say no. It sounds like she just said, not right now. I can't imagine the pain and rejection you must feel, but I think if I was in your shoes I wouldn't let it destroy me or my relationship. It just means she wants more of you. She just wants to know that you are 100% now and forever hers. Give her the world, and enjoy doing it. :) Hang in there. She just needs more time. Nothing wrong with taking time to make a decision like that. At least when she says yes, you will know it is 100% genuine :)
 
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I am so sorry but that "no" sound more like a "yes" with stipulations to me.

Background please. Save us the hassle of backtracking. What happened with your ex? Affair? EA? PA? Spill the beans please.
I proposed to my then GF and she agreed. Wedding was slated 9 months later. 6 months from the wedding I found out shes been having an affair for around 1 and a half years before and after proposal and was making disparaging comments about me to the OM. For 4 and a half months my head was in the sand, I never exposed, suffering frequent panic attacks caused by an apathetic SO, and I was a month or so away from marrying her.

I told my sister and finally had some emotional support and called off wedding, broke up, and told my family. I leave the house I just bought for a few days, and tell her to take her things and leave. I came back and turns out she took most everything including most of my stuff so house empty and fell into deep depression for about a year.

After depression got back on my feet, met my GF and fell in love, we have a son. Little less than a month ago my ex fiance tried to insert herself back into my life. Went through a lot of drama, she threatened to hurt herself, I still told her she was truly out of my life for good. She swallows a bottle of pills and locks herself in the bathroom. Been in and out of the hospital since but I don't really care.

GF was by my side through all of this.


I kinda understand that she needs time before she knows I'm done with her but I am completely. I know this 100%. I thought by doing this things would be even better between us, but now its stalled.

It really hurts right now, and its hard to think, but I don't know what I can do to make her feel more sure about our relationship.
 

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How long were you split from the ex before you met your current girlfriend? And how long have you been with your current?

She may just be being cautious, and that's a good thing. I know when I met my W, the possibility of me being a "rebound" relationship for her weighed very heavily on me, and I kept my distance to some degree for a long time. And I "put her through the paces" by making sure it was not so (in terms of time and wanting to see a certain confidence, ability to be on her own, and desire to be with me from her). I HAD to see that she was completely over her past with her ex, and that I was the guy she wanted because I was perfect for her, and not just because I was available. I loved her like crazy, but I was not going to commit to someone who may have later "found herself", and found that I was not exactly what she wanted, or someone that was going to carry anger issues over into our relationship causing us harm.

Also, I know that with the hell my ex put me through, it was 10 years before I felt, within me, that I was suitable LTR material, and that I was in a really good place. I carried a lot of anger issues over my ex...issues I did not want to carry into a new relationship or put upon someone that didn't deserve it. It took me that long I believe to completely put it behind me. And I had to be brutally honest with myself and look deep within to realize that I was not ready for a looonnnngg time.

If she is the love of your life, those feelings aren't going anywhere in the absence of a marriage certificate. There's nothing wrong with taking it slow. Make this next one COUNT!!!!
 

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Kasler

I am familiar with your original thread. Your original GF was crazy and is crazy. She is mentally ill.

I like you. I especially think your sister is awesome. And I like your GF.

Give her some time. She is right to be wary. Your exgf put you and your family through some horrible experiences.

Love your GF and your kid. Let her know you are trying to understand why she said no and that no matter what you will be patient.

Tell her that you love her because she has your back, she is th mother of your child and that you respect her decision.

Do not let a wall come up between the two of you now.

Give her a hug, a kiss and tell her this while looking in her eyes.

She is the future of your family and she is very wary because of the all the crap that went down recently.

That is understandable and you should support her decision.

Keep the ring. I am sure in a few months she will tell you or give you a sign that she is ready.

A ring did not stop the 1st kid so keep working on hat family.

Protect them Kasler!!!

HM64
 

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Hi Kasler
Just a suggestion, could you buy her a lovely necklace, put the ring on the necklace and ask her to wear your ring around her neck?

When she feels the time is right she could then wear the ring. Once she has taken the ring off the necklace and on her finger you could then replace the ring with another symbol of your love and affection.
 
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What do you mean?
She thinks she's giving you the freedom to move on if you need to.

I assume she knows you were engaged before. And with the recent incident with your ex-fiancee, she's allowing you space and time to consider things.
 

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Thank you for the filling in the blanks Kasler.

I think your GF is a wise woman. You must pay serious attention to that post Dymo quoted you on. That was less than a month ago. I only say that because I believe you are 100% sure, it makes total sense your GF may not be?

Want to make that wise woman your wife? Love her. Be good to her. Show it everyday. Be patient. Ask again, you will know when the time is right. You will get a "yes".

Good luck to you both. Don't be upset at your GF. She really wants a marriage for a lifetime with you or she would have never said no. She wants you to be sure. Show her you are.
 

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I don't know, I mean for the love of Pete you two have a child together! Time to take a HARD look at your relationship. Sorry to be a wet blanket...
 

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Kasler, I lived in Atlanta for over ten years and remember one of my business law professors telling us that in Georgia all you had to do to be considered common law wed is to check into a hotel as man and wife. Speaking of common law, if you and your girlfriend are living together then she's your common law wife. (Georgia is one of 16 states that recognizes this.)
 

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I generally lurk, but I thought this deserves a response. It looks like your gf is quite level headed, loves you and wants to be with you. That means a lot.
You may think you are ready for marriage, but it is fair for her to have her doubts. Don't give up on her just for this. Someone suggested putting your ring on a necklace for the time being and giving it to her. You should consider that. If she accepts, you will have further validation of what everyone is saying.
Don't give up on her. Deal with the disappointment for now. And most importantly, don't put up any walls now, have that mature conversation that is needed.
Honestly I think it's really your ego which is finding it hard to deal with the disappointment, I won't even call it a rejection. If you can recognize that, you will be better off for it, both for you and for her.
 

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She probably would accepted had your evil ex stayed away but she can see you triggered badly with her recent intrusion. I don't think she doubts about your comitment but it really could it better if this period of turmoil goes away. Maybe she doesn't want it colored by this.
Don't take it so bad, she's there, willingly. Just don't let it affect your relationship.
 
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