Exactly how were you the enabler? What did you (and he) do to get in this position? Why are you taking the fall?
So I filed for bkrptcy. ALONE
I ended up filing bankruptcy today and I'm devestated. It's killing me. My husband didn't file with me. All the debt was in my name because I was the enabler.
I told him our 500 dollar car payment has to go. He said no. He won't drive what 13 thousand in our 401k would afford us. I thought we'd be able to start fresh with lower lifestyle. He wants to get a 290 dollar lease on a new car instead. After all his credit... Is fine. Not mine.
He hasn't gone to any of my meetings and didn't help with any of the paperwork. And he doesn't really want to downsize.
I'm feeling devestated. He seems unphased.
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I told him our 500 dollar car payment has to go. He said no. He won't drive what 13 thousand in our 401k would afford us. I thought we'd be able to start fresh with lower lifestyle. He wants to get a 290 dollar lease on a new car instead. After all his credit... Is fine. Not mine.
He hasn't gone to any of my meetings and didn't help with any of the paperwork. And he doesn't really want to downsize.
I'm feeling devestated. He seems unphased.
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I went along with too much. I am the breadwinner and he wanted the big house and cars. But then I had to take a paycut. Still the bread winner but no longer can we live the way we did.
He doesnt want to get a second job etc. he does work full time but he doesn't want to do anything past that.
When I asked for help he said he would go stock shelves at Walgreens overnights and then go to his day job. I called his bluff and he quickly said he couldn't handle it.
He doesnt want to get a second job etc. he does work full time but he doesn't want to do anything past that.
When I asked for help he said he would go stock shelves at Walgreens overnights and then go to his day job. I called his bluff and he quickly said he couldn't handle it.
Posted via Mobile DeviceExactly how were you the enabler? What did you (and he) do to get in this position? Why are you taking the fall?
You being the breadwinner means you call the shots. Too bad you already filed. I would've sold those cars and drove a Yugo before filing for bankruptcy. Also would've downsized the house.
What's worse is that your H is standing by watching you go down. That's extremely selfish and callous, especially since he's the big spender.
What's worse is that your H is standing by watching you go down. That's extremely selfish and callous, especially since he's the big spender.
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this alone. I had to do the same thing. My bankruptcy was completed last month; it really hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be. You will get through it and learn to adjust. However, I'm not so sure about your husband. Let him learn his lesson. He can't exactly put your name on anything now. Get a separate bank account and be responsible with spending.
You should have been able to keep one car. Is your dilemma over having a second car?
You should have been able to keep one car. Is your dilemma over having a second car?
Well the dilemma is that he doesn't want to move/downsize. Neither of us WANT to move but we are going to be tight financially even AFTER everything is completed with the bankruptcy.
I wanted to let the car in my name (550.00) payment go in the bankruptcy and avoid having this SECOND car payment.
I was going to use 401k money to buy a used vehicle (10k) but he said that there was nothing in that price range that he would drive. Our first car is very nice!
So he wants to take out a lease (280.00) on another new vehicle to make that our second car.
He's just not "getting it". We can't continue to live at this financial set point.
Unfortunately it will be even worse if/when I leave him.
As I mentioned, his idea of changing our financial situation (we both work full time) is me writing more ebooks. I had a romance book that brought in a bit of money... He wants me to write and publish erotica. It's something I'm not comfortable with. I did write a new Romance book this year and he just read it and was upset that I didn't leave any true erotica scenes in there.
I'm just tired and really depressed.
I wanted to let the car in my name (550.00) payment go in the bankruptcy and avoid having this SECOND car payment.
I was going to use 401k money to buy a used vehicle (10k) but he said that there was nothing in that price range that he would drive. Our first car is very nice!
So he wants to take out a lease (280.00) on another new vehicle to make that our second car.
He's just not "getting it". We can't continue to live at this financial set point.
Unfortunately it will be even worse if/when I leave him.
As I mentioned, his idea of changing our financial situation (we both work full time) is me writing more ebooks. I had a romance book that brought in a bit of money... He wants me to write and publish erotica. It's something I'm not comfortable with. I did write a new Romance book this year and he just read it and was upset that I didn't leave any true erotica scenes in there.
I'm just tired and really depressed.
Posted via Mobile DeviceI'm so sorry you are going through all of this alone. I had to do the same thing. My bankruptcy was completed last month; it really hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be. You will get through it and learn to adjust. However, I'm not so sure about your husband. Let him learn his lesson. He can't exactly put your name on anything now. Get a separate bank account and be responsible with spending.
You should have been able to keep one car. Is your dilemma over having a second car?
So tell him NO.
Let him drive the car with the payment. Let HIM make the payments on it.
Buy a cheap car & YOU drive it.
You want something you can afford, incase the bankruptcy is not enough and you have to leave this selfish bloke.
Let him drive the car with the payment. Let HIM make the payments on it.
Buy a cheap car & YOU drive it.
You want something you can afford, incase the bankruptcy is not enough and you have to leave this selfish bloke.
Unfortunately your husband still does not get it. My daughter recently had to have a car. With cash in hand, we went shopping. It took some effort, but we found her reliable transportation for $4K. I can tell you that I saw a lot of nice, dependable cars in that $10K range. But, they aren't new! That's the part your husband has got to get past.I wanted to let the car in my name (550.00) payment go in the bankruptcy and avoid having this SECOND car payment.
I was going to use 401k money to buy a used vehicle (10k) but he said that there was nothing in that price range that he would drive.
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$550 is a really big amount for a car payment - is that just the payment, or is that the insurance too? What kind of car is that?
What kind of job does he have that he feels its of dire importance for him to lease a brand new car to drive?
No offense, but - his attitude sounds quite selfish - his solution to the entire problem is that you should work either virtually through your Ebooks or through your job to provide for his excessive spending, he seems neither willing to work extra nor adjust his lifestyle at all.
I think I'd lay it out for him - you need to move to somewhere you can afford, and that you are literally going broke trying to afford the lifestyle he seems so desperately needs to maintain. What if you say you need to move, and if you do, and he can't come to grips with the situation, you might need to move -without him-.
Maybe that will help him understand the seriousness of this situation, because otherwise, he seems completely content to literally run you and your credit into the ground.
What kind of job does he have that he feels its of dire importance for him to lease a brand new car to drive?
No offense, but - his attitude sounds quite selfish - his solution to the entire problem is that you should work either virtually through your Ebooks or through your job to provide for his excessive spending, he seems neither willing to work extra nor adjust his lifestyle at all.
I think I'd lay it out for him - you need to move to somewhere you can afford, and that you are literally going broke trying to afford the lifestyle he seems so desperately needs to maintain. What if you say you need to move, and if you do, and he can't come to grips with the situation, you might need to move -without him-.
Maybe that will help him understand the seriousness of this situation, because otherwise, he seems completely content to literally run you and your credit into the ground.
Tell him to drive the car with the $550/mo payment and make him pay for it. You get yourself a good little beater car.
I make good money and drive a $3000 car with 160k miles on it. This is what's wrong with America. People not taking personal responsibility and living within their means.
I make good money and drive a $3000 car with 160k miles on it. This is what's wrong with America. People not taking personal responsibility and living within their means.
I'm really shocked at his callous and cold, selfish attitude! Has he always been like this? As for the car, get yourself a car you can afford and he can take ovr the car payment. If hes not happy with that, then I'd put the payment in the bankruptcy and he can sort a new car on his income. I'm so sorry you going through this with no support from him. Like Starfish said, lay it out in no uncertain terms, if he's not prepared to move into a smalle place and support you in some way, you may need to move alone.
I actually left the father of my eldest two children partly because of his attitude to money. I know that frustration when they just can't see it.
Mine was on a smaller scale, but I too took out credit in my name as the main earner tto clear off his debts. When we broke up he would contribute nothing. It was an albatross around mine and hubz's neck. It got paid off ironically by his now ex-wife who felt very guilty about it. Suffice to say he's now up to his eyeballs in debt all of his own name. I made some permanent decisions about handling money which I have stuck to and I feel are very healthy, which hubz agrees with and he lets me take the lead with financial affaurs.
I feel that people with the head in the sand attitude won't get it until they have to directly experience the effects of their previous way of living. It may be a case of separating things out and taking care of the decisions that come directly to you, and putting your foot down on joint decisions.
I'd be incredibly hurt already though by his non-supporting attitude. It looks like he thinks this has nothing to do with him and he can just carry on as he was... Have you declared boundaries on financial decisions yet? How has he been with the thought of restrictions on things?
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Mine was on a smaller scale, but I too took out credit in my name as the main earner tto clear off his debts. When we broke up he would contribute nothing. It was an albatross around mine and hubz's neck. It got paid off ironically by his now ex-wife who felt very guilty about it. Suffice to say he's now up to his eyeballs in debt all of his own name. I made some permanent decisions about handling money which I have stuck to and I feel are very healthy, which hubz agrees with and he lets me take the lead with financial affaurs.
I feel that people with the head in the sand attitude won't get it until they have to directly experience the effects of their previous way of living. It may be a case of separating things out and taking care of the decisions that come directly to you, and putting your foot down on joint decisions.
I'd be incredibly hurt already though by his non-supporting attitude. It looks like he thinks this has nothing to do with him and he can just carry on as he was... Have you declared boundaries on financial decisions yet? How has he been with the thought of restrictions on things?
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