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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I just spent some minutes reading other post on here and I see an overwhelming thread, HURT. Whether you’re the one that wants to leave or someone left you. We all want our hurt to go away, I know I do. I’ve been married for 35 years, It many ways he is a wonderful man. A good provider, a good father, a wonderful companion, life of the party type of man. Only problem, not only has he had over 7 affairs in our marriage that I found out about, early on in our marriage he was a predator, physically assaulting female relatives young and old. I did not know about this until we went into counseling for an affair and he confessed all to me. Counseling lasted 2 years, we got over it, raised our children (no more occurrences that I heard of) for 15 years great then bam an affair with a friend of mine. Separated for over a year, he broke it off we tried again then I just found out another affair that has been going on for a year in a half. Others have mentioned on here about how they still love their spouse, that’s me I love all the good qualities and he’s quite a charmer when he wants to be. However saying that I filed for divorce. I can’t say it’s been easy, I’m still torn, It still hurts like hell. When I asked him to move out he moved in with the other woman, who I know he would not have left me for. so now I feel like I drove him to her. On the other hand why move out right for 35 years he had everything his way, he got to play good husband, good father, going to church and then other sleep with what every woman he wanted too. So as I’m coming to realize the fault might have been in him but a lack of something in me allowed it. I totally feel I need him and can’t live without him, I love him, and then the survivor in me has now kicked it and is tearing me in half from that needy girl that got married at 17 and is saying NO MORE. I’ve gotten a couple overtures from him as to how bad he has messed up and what a wonderful wife I was what a jerk he has been he is not saying he wants a reconciliation. My fear and the whole point of this post is if he does, if I get even a glimmer that he says he will change again and wants me to stop the divorce, Ill stop everything in a week moment. Knowing full well he will probably put me through this pain again down the road... how stupid is that? I cant do it again... as painful as this is I have to go through with it.....but like others I have heard its pulling me apart.:eek:
 

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Fight those weak moments, you have put up with WAY too much for WAY too long! Listen to your survivor voice. You have been enabling this behavior, of course he is going to say he messed up...he has been a cake eater all these years! Its time to put yourself first for a change, you DONT need him! What incredible gall he has to now say he made a mistake, after he moves in with the other woman! (well, the CURRENT other woman!!) He WILL NOT CHANGE. Good luck to you, be strong!
 

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Well you are certainly going to have to start doing some work on YOURSELF
- what do YOU want in your life?
- what are you afraid of?
- what stops you from going after what you want?
If you allow others - including your husband - to control how you feel, not only will life be a roller coaster for you but no matter where you are you will attract controlling people into your life.
It is good that you recognise how your husband is and how you react to it. Now work on 'fixing' yourself so that you don't allow people to treat you the way you don't want to be treated.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Well you are certainly going to have to start doing some work on YOURSELF
- what do YOU want in your life?
- what are you afraid of?
- what stops you from going after what you want?
If you allow others - including your husband - to control how you feel, not only will life be a roller coaster for you but no matter where you are you will attract controlling people into your life.
It is good that you recognise how your husband is and how you react to it. Now work on 'fixing' yourself so that you don't allow people to treat you the way you don't want to be treated.
You are exactly right, I am currently seeing someone to find out why I am the way I am, no ones fault but mine. I allowed this to happen to me. Yes it happened so gradually that I didn’t realize it but that’s no excuse. not only was I an enabler but in my own way an addict to a dysfunctional marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I have now found out that he has counterfiled.. my heart just keeps on breaking. why am I shocked to find out that he lies.... one of the counterclaims says that our assets have been divided sence 2001. Which is actually during a time frame I thought we were happy, took a cruise in 2002 for our 25th and so forth. in 2003 I found out he was still trying to get back with a woman he had affair with in 1996 but she didnt want him so he was depressed. we seperated for a while then. I just dont know anymore...
 

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So...he expected his life to be full of as many women as he wanted, while you maintained his home, washed his clothes, stayed in bed for when he wanted sex, and ignored all his cheating.

And, when you balked at that, he chose the easiest alternative.

And now that THAT choice is gone, he comes back to you, because YOU are the easiest choice he knows (just has to woo you a little, cos he knows you're easy).

Is that all you're worth?
 

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Good for you!

Besides the therapy, you might look for a support group - people you can meet with regularly, discuss problems/weaknesses with, who will HOLD YOU ACCOUNTABLE for acting in your OWN BEST INTEREST.

Peace and love, doureallycare2! Have a WONDERFUL holiday season and a GREAT 2013!!!

BTW, the next time you start to second-guess yourself, remember this:
It many ways he is a wonderful man. A good provider, a good father, a wonderful companion, life of the party type of man. Only problem, not only has he had over 7 affairs in our marriage that I found out about, early on in our marriage he was a predator, physically assaulting female relatives young and old.
Oh, holy God! THIS is NOT a "wonderful man"; this is a SICK PREDATOR who managed to HIDE IT under a facade of 'charm'. Any man who cheats repeatedly with women, and preys on ALL females young and old....REALLY HATES WOMEN! He wants to control them, humiliate them, etc. I HOPE your children were all boys I'd hate to be a daughter stuck in a relationship with this male (I won't call him a man in deference to REAL MEN.)
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 · (Edited)
Wow you just said exactly what my therapist said. I never looked at him as a predator, I looked at him as someone needing help and he was willing to get it back then, I’m not trying to make excuses, I was a young mother and he wanted to go into counseling with me so we did for almost 2 years. After that I never saw that there was anything sexually going on until the affair he had in 1996 with a friend of ours. However his temper was terrible. And I can see now that he had many inner demons he was fighting (probably not to act out) I thought that affair was something new, not a predator act but a genuine falling in love, it was more a emotional affair even then physical. Our counselor years ago had said he had an additive personality, alcohol, sex and so forth. so then romance... he chose to brake it off and came back to me but years later when the woman’s husband died he reestablished contact in the hope that she would get back with him, she would not and he practically stalked her or over 3 years which we remained separated. He said he got over it, begged me back which I did not do then he had congestive heart failure. I let him move in and things happened from there. I took care of him until he got healthy we reestablished somewhat of a marriage again, only for me to find out 4 years later that he has been having an affair the last 1 2/2 years and this one was just about the sex. Like I said I asked him to leave and I have filed for divorce. I’m determined not to take him back but have many years of enabling this man. When I laid in bed alone last night and thought of them together I was a little sad but my main thought was he's not here using me. He’s using her still but he's not using me.. Maybe that means I’m starting to see the light and not just darkness.
 

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If nothing else, you should talk to your sons about it. Just in case it happened to them, too, and they hid it from you.
Wow... are you serious? Tell your sons that their dad once molested kids? This may indeed be the right choice, but it's such a nuclear option that it should be taken with a heavy dollop of caution.
 

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Absolutely. What if he did it to them, and since their mom never brought it up, they felt they had to protect HER, and suffer in silence and shame?

And what if THEY have kids and bring them around him, only to find out he did it to THEIR kids, and then find out their mom knew and never told them?

This is too serious to worry about the person's 'feelings' at being outed.
 

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Absolutely. What if he did it to them, and since their mom never brought it up, they felt they had to protect HER, and suffer in silence and shame?

And what if THEY have kids and bring them around him, only to find out he did it to THEIR kids, and then find out their mom knew and never told them?

This is too serious to worry about the person's 'feelings' at being outed.
And ... what if he didn't do it to them, is it worth pretty much nuking their father's reputation in their minds?

But... I get your point - innocents MUST be protected. I however also feel that restraint and great care should be used in handling the matter, unless there are recent instances of this sort of behaviour.
 

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If he didn't do it to them, then he now has an opportunity for more closeness (and humility) with his sons than he's ever had, having tried to hide this from them their whole lives.

People seem to think people can't handle bad news nowadays. We go out of our way to be PC and not hurt feelings or not discuss bad things. That's not a great way to learn and grow and live your life.
 

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If he didn't do it to them, then he now has an opportunity for more closeness (and humility) with his sons than he's ever had, having tried to hide this from them their whole lives.

People seem to think people can't handle bad news nowadays. We go out of our way to be PC and not hurt feelings or not discuss bad things. That's not a great way to learn and grow and live your life.
Huh?

Humility? You mean total abasement.

If he wants to tell them and experience this "closeness", it should be his call.
 

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As a mother, I don't agree.

Total abasement to admit to your sons that you abused a child? Maybe. But, IMO, necessary for his psychological salvation. And necessary in case they, too, experienced it.
 

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Noo- you miss my point.

I think as a father, it makes sense to tell your kids.

It makes no sense (save for the fleeting delight of getting one last underhand jab in) to tell your kids about their father, in the name of getting the kids and their father closer. Do it if you will, but at least be honest about it, don't claim your deed will bring him and his kids closer.

If they didn't experience it, then you open a can of worms, which regardless of whatever your intentions are, will stink to high heaven, and will impact you as well considering that you knew for 35 odd years about this tendency, yet failed to protect your kids from him.
 

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I wouldn't tell them to get them closer, you missed MY point. I would tell them because they need to know. And apparently HE isn't telling them. So, as their other parent, it's my job.
 
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