yottazenzen you can trust again, my XW cheated on me and married the guy she cheated with (we had a 6 month old son) i meet my now wife 2 years after that been with her 7 years now and trust her more than i ever did the XW and trusted her from day 1

 

:iagree:

I divorced my cheating ex in 2003. Was moved out in 2002 (I made the fatal mistake of not being able to look at her so I moved out of the marital house, but at this point I wouldn't change anything). Dated for a few years. Met my now wife in 2004, became serious 2005, married in 2007 and wouldn't change ANYTHING. I found the BEST woman for me. I trust her 100%. Trust is about each individual person. I trusted NOONE until around 2005 or so.

 

Yotazz, i am new to this forum. But what you wrote is me, word for word. The wife sexting, only not with her cousin, a whole bunch of people from chatrooms. The naked pics, the pain, the weight loss, 28 pounds in three weeks. I forgot to eat. The no lawyer for her, the Nice divorce, her not raping me financially. She just was simply done with me and that really hurts bad. 20 years and all we've been thru meant so little to her she could just walk? wow.

 

Hey Everybody,

Well, it's been about a year since all my crap went down with the now ex-wife so i thought I'd post an update.

I'm still with my gf that I met back in December. Actually, we just went to a cabin this weekend and had a great time. I really love her and she really loves me.

When we got home last night, she was looking on her Facebook to confirm a friend request from my mom and there was some teenaged girl with a pending friend request. I asked who that was and she said it was her previous boyfriend's daughter and she just never responded to the request.

This upset me a bit and I'm not really sure why. I guess it was because my ex did all kinds of hidden bull**** on Facebook when she cheated on me. I don't know. My girlfriend also had a guy on her Facebook that she had exchanged a couple of emails with back and forth (from a dating site) and she said once they saw each other's Facebook posts, they weren't really interested in each other.

I asked her to delete this guy and she did but I don't understand why she was still Facebook friends with him. I asked her and she said she just doesn't normally go and clean up Facebook friends or anything. She didn't think it was a big deal. She didn't try to hide anything so I don't know what to think. That was a while ago.

Currently, I'm having problems with what I think is called RetroActive Jealousy.

Basically, I don't like the fact that other guys have had sex with her in her bed. I have these messed up images in my head she will leave me for one of them. I don't know what to do. She assures me I'm the best at everything and those other guys were losers, but really....what else would she say? She wouldn't say, you know what?

I know it seems kind of high schoolish but I'm trying to work on this issue. She hasn't done anything wrong. Of course a 38 year old woman would have had sex with guys before me. I know my thinking is irrational but still...I'm having issues with it.

Anyway, I thought I would post an update. Peace guys.

 

That's tough man. Jealousy is totally natural, especially after what you've been through. Stay on top of it though. You will definitely drive your GF away if you let it get out of hand.

 

Stop trying to blindly trust. You're not built that way now. Instead focus on reasonable trust. If your new girlfriend isn't sending up any real red flags let her be. Keep things completely open with her, and give her the opportunity to do the same.

 

I think my issues are more the jealousy than anything actually. Sucks.

 

To say it another way. You know you have trust issues because you were so badly betrayed. Don't try to pretend you don't, then get in your girfriends sh!t because she making you uncomfortable. Instead tell her your issue and work out something with her that makes you both happy.

 

Quick question,

Have you and your girlfriend clearly defined your relationship at this point?

What I mean is have you both enthusiastically agreed to be exclusive?

Have you clearly defined what that means?

Sexually exclusive, but can still have dinner with a friend/ex/casual date?

No dates or outings alone with anyone else?

No calls/texts/FB messages with other men?

If you can't answer this question, then you need to have a talk with your girlfriend and see where you stand and clearly define where the boundaries are that are acceptable to both of you. If you can't agree, then you may have to move on.

In my case, my new wife and I were sexually exclusive for over a year but could still date others. I didn't chose to, as I had 50/50 custody of my kids and we were together nearly always when I was free. But, she did go out occasionally on the evenings that I was not free.

It was hard and I was patient with her for a while, but it finally got to the point where I needed her to 100% with me or we go our separate ways. She chose to part, but that only lasted for three weeks until she came back ready for the bigger commitment. We have now been happily married for eight months!

It was hard at times after being betrayed by my first wife, but my current wife was totally honest with her feelings and actions during it all so I never felt that I couldn't trust her.

Anyway, back to your situation...Since you are not married and may not have the iron-clad commitment to each other at this point, there is no reason she can't FB or text an ex or someone she had met through online dating. It's a good thing that your girlfriend is not trying to hide it or even understands why she might need to.

My current wife always felt she need to explore other options after 30 years in her previous marriage to make sure I was the one for her.

 

Yott glad you are doing well.

And we all understand the trust issues. They will work out in time.

And you should really worry if you were dating a 38 year old woman that was still a virgin.
:lol:

HM64

 

Hey everybody,

It's been a long time since I looked at this thread, but here I am almost two years down the road and I thought I would update it.

Most days I am doing much better. The main issues I face every now and then are self-esteem related. Being cheated on like I was, really did a number on my self-esteem. Some days, my self-esteem is fine. Other days, not so much.

I find myself having a very negative self-image for the past few days. I can't put my finger on the exact cause. I think it may just be some sort of flare up.

I'm still with my gf of over a year now. She is awesome beyond words and does her best to help me through my issues. I feel bad for even having issues to begin with which sort of feeds into a cycle.

Low Self-Esteem->feel bad for it->Lower Self-Esteem.

Did any of you infidelity survivors have low self-esteem afterward and if so, how did you deal with it?

 

I think we all go through phases of low self-esteem. It is ok. It is normal.

Your ability to recognize it, and discuss it with others is a huge step in the right direction. Don't let the voices in your head talk louder than those around you.

I fall into lows occasionally. It is a chance to reflect on my ability to survive. I have new people that love me by choice. My new wife is a huge help, probably like your gf.

Maybe the low is partially due to your environmental factors. Work stress, bad weather, diet, exercise, money, etc. all take a toll. Allow yourself some room to be human. When a spell hits, find a positive outlet preferably in an activity that allows you to focus, laugh, share, or have physical release.

Good luck. It is normal to go through lows. The key may be knowing that you are now ready to move toward some new highs.

 

That's good to hear overall.
Thanks for the update.

 

You were very dignified during a difficult time. No one could forget your thread and the nastiness of your ex. Banging the neighbor while the kids were in the house – beyond the pale.

Is she in any sort of stable relationship? Has she ever expressed regret or remorse?

How are your kids handling it?

 

Thanks for asking. Kids are doing pretty well. Ex has been with the same guy for over a year now and she seems stable which is good. She said she was sorry a a long time ago. I forgave her for my own sanity but I will never forget what she did. Especially the thing where she banged the neighbor guy in my house with my kids there. That is probably the one thing that pisses me off the most.

 

Here is a post that I read on TAM a few weeks ago:

An Overview of the Drama Triangle

It will give you a good perspective on the ups and downs we face after this stuff happens.

 

@lovemytruck - Thank you for taking time to post this my friend. It made me feel much better to know that 1) I'm not alone and 2) I'm not a freak for feeling the way I do now and then.

Again, thanks friend.

 

Anytime!