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Filed for divorce this summer, my STBX moved out around Labor Day and we've lived apart since. We have two kids together and I keep communication to a minimum and try to keep it focused on just the kids. Ex was having an affair and wanted to leave for the other guy. I filed just because she tends to drag out decisions and I didn't want to wait for her. Plus, I wanted to fill out the paperwork so there were no surprises, etc.

Long story short, once my ex first moved out, I definitely felt sad. Sad about the future not working out as I had imagined, sad for the kids. Fast forward a few months later and I don't really feel that way anymore. The relationship was toxic (she had cheated before, is very self absorbed, I didn't stand up for myself enough) and it needed to end. The kids still have their struggles and I'm not sure how things will play out once she introduces this guy into the mix at some point, but I think the relationship ending was really for the best.

I guess the thing I am seeking advice for, though, is that on the one hand I am really past (at least I think I am) mourning the relationship. My ex obviously didn't respect me, I don't think I respected myself enough either, and it's better to move on. That being said, on the other hand, I still can't but help feel rejected on a human level. I guess this is the classic "I don't want this person, but I'm annoyed they don't want me" scenario. Have other people dealt with this while going through a divorce or break up of a long term relationship? I've gone through break ups before, but I just never saw the people again and they didn't end due to cheating, but just because the relationship had run its course so parts of this are new to me.
 

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Sorry this happened to you.

I "celebrated" my 25th anniversary earlier this year, and am now dealing with the same thing as you. My stbxw is about as toxic as it can get and there is zero doubt I will be better off without her. That being said, the "why?" question will never go away. Why didn't she love me? I know she just loved what I provided. Like yours, mine was a serial cheater. I believe a quality lady is going to get a really good guy someday.
 

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Sometimes it's best not to ask yourself too many questions about the why's and what if's.
You have been able to quickly move on it seems(it took me 4 years to get to where you are but the circumstances were different), so be thankful for that and be the best dad you can.
 

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My wife and I started the divorce process early August and while I dont neccesarily miss her anymore, I definatley miss the time when we were dating and doing so good, and the “what could have been future”…..I got over her pretty quickly and we still see each other maybe once or twice a week due to having a child together and I feel no attraction to her anymore. Definately miss who she used to be and how easily I could talk to her (i am a very shy person) lol there was no cheating going on but was very toxic so cant really relate to your story. My difference is what could I have done better or differently so this didnt happen? Was it more me or more of her problems? She has a new man already and its been a hard thing to process through but im plugging along. You seem like a great dude who is going to be just fine, screw that woman for being a cheating scumbag
 

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Filed for divorce this summer, my STBX moved out around Labor Day and we've lived apart since. We have two kids together and I keep communication to a minimum and try to keep it focused on just the kids. Ex was having an affair and wanted to leave for the other guy. I filed just because she tends to drag out decisions and I didn't want to wait for her. Plus, I wanted to fill out the paperwork so there were no surprises, etc.

Long story short, once my ex first moved out, I definitely felt sad. Sad about the future not working out as I had imagined, sad for the kids. Fast forward a few months later and I don't really feel that way anymore. The relationship was toxic (she had cheated before, is very self absorbed, I didn't stand up for myself enough) and it needed to end. The kids still have their struggles and I'm not sure how things will play out once she introduces this guy into the mix at some point, but I think the relationship ending was really for the best.

I guess the thing I am seeking advice for, though, is that on the one hand I am really past (at least I think I am) mourning the relationship. My ex obviously didn't respect me, I don't think I respected myself enough either, and it's better to move on. That being said, on the other hand, I still can't but help feel rejected on a human level. I guess this is the classic "I don't want this person, but I'm annoyed they don't want me" scenario. Have other people dealt with this while going through a divorce or break up of a long term relationship? I've gone through break ups before, but I just never saw the people again and they didn't end due to cheating, but just because the relationship had run its course so parts of this are new to me.
She doesn't want you now. She has a shiny new toy. Give it time for the fantasy she is living to transition into the reality of a relationship. Also, when your ex realizes you are moving on and NOT in the depths of misery she will attempt to sabotage your progress. She will want you back quick enough if she learns you are happier and thriving without her.

Press hard and fast for the divorce. While she is distracted by her affair partner you may be able to get very favorable terms in the divorce.
 

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miss who she used to be
You miss who you thought she was.

A good couple of books to read are The Rational Male, books 1 and 2. Those will help piece together why some things don't work when they "should" and why other things that "shouldn't" matter, really do.

If you want more understanding as to why she can move so fast, look up the article War Brides by Rollo Tomassi.
 

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That being said, on the other hand, I still can't but help feel rejected on a human level. I guess this is the classic "I don't want this person, but I'm annoyed they don't want me" scenario
Just wanted to make a comment on this quote.
You feel rejected on a human level -- by WHAT exactly? She is a cheater, so being rejected by an immoral, weak, awful person -- what exactly does that mean? In my view, you were "rejected" because you are FAR above her and deep down she knows this.
So, being rejected by a cheater -- is it REALLY so bad?
 
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