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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
OK, I'll try to be brief, we have been together for 22 years, married for 18 and have 2 kids together, 15, 12. Our relationship has always been good with very little fighting and we work really good together as a parenting team:) I always took care of bills etc... and we never had any money problems and traveled quite a bit, Scotland, West for skiing trips, The Florida Keys, etc... My wife was diagnosed with depression about 20 years ago and her family doctor started her on Zoloft and she has been taking it ever since, but we never had therapy or any counsiling. Early last summer we found out that her father had colon cancer and the tumor was large and needed removed. The news was really hard on my wife but she put on a brave face and started going up to their house on the weekends to be with her father and help care for him. She's a teacher so she always has the summers off and spent a lot of time at her folks on the lake so that wasnt' a problem. Anyway they sucessfully removed the tumor and all seemed good until they found spots on his liver! Now he needed 8 weeks of Chemo treatement. This was even harder on my wife and as she went up to their house on the weekends she came back more and more distant from me. I would talk to her and she would reply" I'm sorry what did you say?" she also spent a lot of time in the shower crying and was getting more forgetful. Now it gets bad; the first of October she tells me that she doesn't love me like she should love a husband and wants to move out and get a divorce! I'm floored! I never saw this coming and have no idea why until I start figuring out that she has a boyfriend. It turns out that a friend of hers that she grew up with since she was 7 (44 now) and never was attracted to, started coming around and helping with her father. His father also has liver cancer and is now in stage 4. The more time they spent together talking the more emotionally she got hooked on him and after she gave me the news it became a PA!
She refused counseling and continued to see him and about 3 week ago her parents left for FL and she broke down and cried like her father had died. She then asked me to get her into counseling where they found that she is severely depressed and has been for many years!! They also believe that her depression is the reason for all of her bad decisions and why she is blaming me for just about everything.
That brings me to now. I helped her move into her own place last weekend and I'm told by her counselor to help her and be kind until he can reach her and break the depression. She is on about her 6th visit and she is willing and the are moving with it, but she still has her boyfried and she is trying to introduce him to her friends! Her family doesn't endorse him or it and because of that she keeps pushing the divorce. She also takes my 12 year old daughter to spend the night at his house, which kills me but I can't push her because of her depression! My son flat out won't go and thinks its wrong but is afraid to tell her.
Anyway, I love my wife and know that she is in there some where and that is not her that is making all of these bad choices, but having to wait for the counselor to sort it out is tearing me apart!!
I guess I'm not looking for any answers, just wanted to put it out there for maybe someone else who has gone through this or is going through this. Depression is a whole different animal and makes the situation much harder to deal with. You can't take the normal approach to ending the affair. I told everyone I could when I found out but that didn't help because she had already justified in her mind that we were done. Also the reason she gave me for her not wanting to be with me were almost silly. That is the result of the depression the goods things I've done in our marriage our OK in her eyes and the little things I've done wrong are huge to her!
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 · (Edited)
So how am I doing? the last 3 months I've lost 25 pounds and wake up every night at 4 and wake up every hour after that:) I still put on a brave face with my kids and with my wife but inside I'm hurting! I never would have thought this would ever happen to us. I would have bet my life it wouldn't.
Could I take her back? Yes, without a doubt. I know this isn't her and I also know she can love only one, that is why she is turning me away right now because she believes that the other guy is the guy for her. (The guy that has been married 3 times, lives in his parent lake house, and is soon to go on disability) Plus we would go through counseling before we would get back together.
I'll survive, I always do, but I would like to continue one with my wife and kids:)
 

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She needs some real life consequences. Are you funding her place? Let her boyfriend do it! Read up on the 180 and start doing it. Only talk about the kids. Sorry but trying to nice her out of this is NOT going to work. Show her you can move on without her that's the only way she will start respecting you.
 

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You have to get the OM out of the picture. If your wife is depressed then the guy is just a no good, opportunistic predator. Sure he helped with her father - big f!ing deal. He did it for a reason and it sure as hell was not altruism.

If you know this guy, contact him, expose him, tell your family about him, his family, etc. Your wife does NOT need him.

Also - do not let your kids get caught up in this. In no way should they be spending time with this guy. You're not divorced, your wife is depressed. You have grounds for taking sole care of the kids until your wife is better. I know this sounds harsh and cruel, but your wife is in no mental state of mind to be a responsible parent. Give her love and attention - be there for her, but get the POSOM out of the picture.

And take care of yourself. Get a prescription for something that will help you sleep. Sleep is important - you can't make good decisions when you're not rested. Eat properly and try to exercise in the mornings - that will set up your day and will help you sleep at night.

Very sorry for what you're going through.
 

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Sorry your here! Touching story but that is your wife. My wife got hooked on pain pills and cheated blah blah blah! No excuses. You are still in shock. You are not gonna nice her out of this one! You need to destroy the affair. Expose it to all her family and friends. Implement the 180 and do not waver.
 

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Also - do not let your kids get caught up in this. In no way should they be spending time with this guy. You're not divorced, your wife is depressed. You have grounds for taking sole care of the kids until your wife is better. I know this sounds harsh and cruel, but your wife is in no mental state of mind to be a responsible parent. Give her love and attention - be there for her, but get the POSOM out of the picture.

And take care of yourself. Get a prescription for something that will help you sleep. Sleep is important - you can't make good decisions when you're not rested. Eat properly and try to exercise in the mornings - that will set up your day and will help you sleep at night.

I agree with Cedarman
Go for sole custody shrink has to talk in court in the case of childs custody.
 

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Until a court orders you to I wouldn't even let the kids go to her house unless she rids herself of this POS. Your kids are old enough to have a say in this (even in court). If they don't want to go, then don't make them.
 

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What do you know about this POS's family? Does he have a Facebook page?
 

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So how am I doing? the last 3 months I've lost 25 pounds and wake up every night at 4 and wake up every hour after that:) I still put on a brave face with my kids and with my wife but inside I'm hurting! I never would have thought this would ever happen to us. I would have bet my life it wouldn't.
Could I take her back? Yes, without a doubt. I know this isn't her and I also know she can love only one, that is why she is turning me away right now because she believes that the other guy is the guy for her. (The guy that has been married 3 times, lives in his parent lake house, and is soon to go on disability) Plus we would go through counseling before we would get back together.
I'll survive, I always do, but I would like to continue one with my wife and kids:)
I am sorry you are here and hurting. First things first. I can say with some certainty (and the credentials to back it up) that YOU are clinically depressed. The early morning waking was the killer clue. Please see your GP on Monday and take the presciption you are given. It will take at least two weeks to begin to work. During that two weeks, make no big decisions. Your job is only to take the meds, breath in and out, sleep and eat when you can and take care of your kids. If you are working, at the very least, tell your boss.

The 180 is good, especially for the next couple of weeks. If your wife calls, you are not home.

Keep posting. Folks here mean only to help if they can and offer you support.
 

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Your daughter is 12. TWELVE!

she is learning how relationships work. She will apply her knowledge to whatever relationships she forms.

You are raising a future depressed woman who is taken advantage of by every player in her world. I pity the man she marries.

Your son seems to have more sense than his own father. As parents you have both failed these kids.

You deserve whatever you are willing to accept. Your kids deserve better. If not two parents with good morals at least one.

They have none. You are sowing the wind but your children will reap the whirlwind.
 

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That brings me to now. I helped her move into her own place last weekend and I'm told by her counselor to help her and be kind until he can reach her and break the depression. She is on about her 6th visit and she is willing and the are moving with it, but she still has her boyfried and she is trying to introduce him to her friends!
No therapist worth his or her degree is going to say "be nice to her and help her and be patient" while she continues her open affair and even goes so far as introducing him to her friends.

2 possibilities

1- The therapist is completely incompetent and or a scammer looking to make a bunch of money off of your rapidly deteriorating marriage.
2- The therapist never said any of those things, she TOLD you the therapist said these things to her and she's just "relaying the messages to you". Is that what happened? Have you actually spoken to the therapist directly about these issues?
 

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Are you serious IC is telling you to take care of her so she's not hard on herself while she cheats on you, blames you, demonizes you, dumps you for another man, introduced him to your daughter, to your friends?
And did you really buy that? Are you kidding me?
IC is acting in her best interest, not yours, not the marriage. She won't judge her, ever.

She doesn't have a pass due depression.
Stop giving he excuses, enabling bad behavior. She's shtting on you, man! Wake up! She's not rewritting the marriage and demonizing you because she's depressed. It's the standard unrepetant cheater's handbook page 1.

She's gone, man. Take care you you and your daughter. She has OM to take care of her. Go hard 180, dark on her. NC except for the kids and finances. Don't allow your daughter to go to OM's house is you can. File for divorce. Expose her. Don't ask her a thing. She's not your friend anymore.

The Healing Heart: The 180
Just Let Them Go
 

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I'm sorry your here, but I'm glad to see that your reaching out.

I understand your dilemma. It appears that the advice given for dealing with the infidelity is in direct opposition to the recommendations for dealing with the depression. It must be very confusing. Particularly while trying to stay strong for your family and cope with your own pain.

In my opinion, your wife needs to experience the consequences of her continueing actions and can not be allowed to use her condition to escape the natural consequences of them. I strongly disagree with being in any way supportive or kind to her. I believe you should steel yourself to take action against your wife and her choices in the spirit of your love for her.
 

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She's gone, man. Take care you you and your daughter. She has OM to take care of her. Go hard 180, dark on her. NC except for the kids and finances. Don't allow your daughter to go to OM's house is you can. File for divorce. Expose her. Don't ask her a thing. She's not your friend anymore.
I would take it one step further and go complete no contact. You can get an intermediary to pass financial info back and forth and have them filter out anything that is not absolutely necessary for you to hear.

Also, I would expose this far and wide, and on both sides, not just hers (hence my earlier question that you have yet to answer about his side of the family). She is trying to replace you with POSOM as smoothly as she can and you are allowing it. He is introducing her to his family without any real truth as to how they met. People need to know the truth about what is happening and why. You are being painted a monster to her family and his to justify their actions. You just gonna stand for this sh!t and go sit in a corner and suck your thumb?

C'mon, dude, you're better than this. He's systematically taking over your family. Are you just going to lay down and not fight this sh!t!!!!!

Man the fvck up!!

Damn!
 

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OP-- I has SAD and take Zoloft every winter, my brother is bipolar. As I move through my own divorce I am on a pretty good dose of the stuff... I can wholeheartedly tell you that your wife's depression is being used as a weapon against you. Even in my darkest days before I was diagnosed, I knew right from wrong. She is hiding behind an illness, and that is cowardly no matter how sick she may be. Depression is not a free pass to trample on the emotions of other people.

Also, as a parent I also agree that your daughter should not be subjected to her mother's AP. That just hurts my stomach even thinking about it. Also IC is a complete moron if that is the advice she really gave.

It would be prudent of you to seek out your own IC. You have a lot on your plate; an outlet would probably do you good.

I am so sorry... I Know how hard depression can be on a family. I know how much it can cloud your vision of the woman you knew... but truly the only way you are going to see her again is if you put a stop to her charades and excuses, and demand what you deserve... which is a heck of a lot better.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
She needs some real life consequences. Are you funding her place? Let her boyfriend do it! Read up on the 180 and start doing it. Only talk about the kids. Sorry but trying to nice her out of this is NOT going to work. Show her you can move on without her that's the only way she will start respecting you.
No I'm not paying for anything. She put up the deposit and paid a month in advance to move in. She furnish the place with old furniture from the basement so that she wouldn't mess up the look of my house. I did make a steel bed for her as I own a welding a fab shop and didn't want her to take ours. I also got her a new matress on a swap I worked out with a furniture shop I was making a pallett for.
I just started the 180 with her as she just moved in last weekend but with 2 kids it's hard to not be in contact because the kids are in sports and need rides everywhere.
 
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