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So hubby and I have been married for 10 years. We've been together for 12 years. I'm at a loss and don't know what to do because I feel very lonely and ignored by him. I don't feel any love what so ever from him. He's a great husband, for the fact that he provides well, doesn't cheat, lie, go out, drink, do drugs or any of that. But there is no emotional, sweet talk, compliments or anything besides "business talk" (kids, bills, our business). I feel like he's constantly barking orders at the kids and I. There is no eye contact unless we are in"trouble". I feel like he feels he needs to keep me under his thumb to prevent me from taking control of him.
I've read the five love languages book and I know that my love language is obviously words of affirmation and his is acts of services. So I bust my ass fulfilling his every need, emotionally and sexually. He tells me he doesn't like something, I change it. I give him all the attention in the world when it comes to sex and I get nothing in return.
I constantly tell him exactly what I need from him and he turns his back to me, watches tv or goes to sleep. It crushes me to no end when he does that! I just want to be held, talked to, looked at, not ignored or just used as a nanny, maid, cook, or hooker. Is it too much to ask? Will he ever change?
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He needs to read Married Man Sex Life.

Alos I suggest you guys do His Needs Her Needs together.

Most people think once they are married that they do not have to work at it any more. Big mistake.
 

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he's not being fair, and may need a wake up call. I would try talking to him as E3 suggested and reading that book. Have a heart to heart, see if he will listen.

If not, then I'd try a 180, and you can read about that on this site, because he is taking you for granted. You deserve to be loved and cherished and have your needs met too.

Good luck.
 

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We share something in common - my love language is words of affirmation and my wife's is acts of service. I definitely hear your frustration. There are specific needs and desires you have and you feel they're not being met. As hard as it was for my wife and I to learn this the key to our marriage working was to stop trying to change each other. If you've ever made a new years resolution you'll realize it's hard enough trying to change ourselves. Changing someone else? Good luck. Not that it can't be done. But I believe it's almost impossible unless they want to.

So where does that leave you (us)? Well, my wife and I have discussed the love languages in detail several times, and she has tremendous difficulty understanding what it is I want. She feels I'm asking for flattery or something. No, as you know, I just want appreciation and encouragement verbalized. I want my wife to tell me when things I do are pleasing to her. etc.

Ball-n-Chain (that's an interesting choice of usernames) the decision you're faced with is - is my husband going to change and give me what I want or not? If so, everything is great. If not, what are you going to do about it? For me I found if I dwelt on what my wife wasn't giving me - which trust me I did for years - I was miserable and always feeling like I was getting the short end of the stick. Angry all the time, frustrated, etc., etc. I finally started seeing ways she was trying to please me - over and over and over again, in the things she was always doing for me (acts of service, she was loving me the way she wanted to be loved), and I quit trying to change her and started going out of my way to find things to do for her. I found it didn't take much. She really appreciates anything she knows I've done for her. And it doesn't matter how little of a thing it is. It could just be emptying the dishwasher.

I learned I hadn't really been doing a lot of small things like that for her either. And I really enjoy it now. For example when I heard the car door outside I'd go to the door to see if she needed help with anything, etc. and she loved it. Here's the kicker - she rarely said anything directly - verbally - about it. But she DID say it non-verbally. Her whole attitude towards me changed. She became friendlier towards me. She became interested in interacting with me more than she used to. And it's lasted. What's so crazy about human nature is as soon as I stopped trying to change her - she changed. I don't mean stopped trying to change her for a day or two. I mean as a way of life. I really don't remember how long it took, it just happened. But I promise you I changed too. I don't know, your situation could be a little different than mine because you listed a lot of things you do for him now. But that can all be neutralized if he perceives you do them because of what you want in return. You said, "He's a great husband, for the fact that he provides well, doesn't cheat, lie, go out, drink, do drugs or any of that. But there is no emotional, sweet talk, compliments or anything besides "business talk" (kids, bills, our business)."

I know you probably realize this but that's a great start right there. You don't have to go very far in this forum to see a lot of misery, unfaithfulness, and abusive treatment, so it could be worse. That's no substitute for having him speak your love language but for your own peace of mind it's something you can build on, if you choose to.

The key in my marriage and what I see working so well compared to a lot of our friends is we give each other a LOT of space. By that I mean we're very different from each other in so many areas. Like how we think, the things we often do or don't want to do together, how things should be done, etc., etc. And we've quit trying to change each other. I stopped trying to get her to do the things I wanted to and she stopped trying to get me to do the same. That means there's a lot of times when she chooses to do what she wants and I choose to do what I want - but it's perfectly fine. We're ok with it because we realize the other one thinks different and we're letting each other have what they want.

It probably works for us because fortunately we're on the same page on the big stuff. Like worldview, religion, politics, overall life philosophies, etc. [Now if the kids were still home that might resurrect some challenges because we differed greatly in our ideas of the best choices to make when it came to them (we raised 4). We both held some very firm beliefs and we fought over it a lot]. I like to think we'd handle it better now based on how everything else is going but who knows.

Anyway once again I got long winded (if you've ever read any of my other posts) so I apologize if this was overload for you. I do hope things work out for you because in my own experience there's nothing I'd trade for the relationship I have with my wife today and it's something I wish for every couple.

Best wishes and again, I hope all works out.
 

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The wooing is one of the most fun bits of a relationship!

I know that my wife is 'a sure thing' pretty much - but that doesn't mean I don't want her to actively want me, so wooing her is something that pays dividends, in the kitchen, in the bedroom and elsewhere (not so much regarding the housework, but that's another story ...)

Anyway, if you're not wooing, you're missing out - it's not just being wooed that's fun (although that is also fun.)
 
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