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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So, I recently found out that my husband has basically lied about his entire life to me... I'm pretty angry, annoyed, crushed, upset..... you get the picture.... he is out of town right now working on the hurricane damage. I stable upon some papers and I haven't been able to confront him yet. I installed a tracker on his phone before he left just to see if he would stay faithful.... he has been looking up personal ads for the areas he's been working in..... what gives....???? He doesn't want sex or intimacy here at home, but does on the road....? I haven't seen any outgoing calls, texts or emails for the ads.... but that's not the point.

I feel like I've just gone crazy.... I installed the tracker because I wanted answers. Any advice...???? Have any of you ever been in this position before....????
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I'm going to suggest going over to the Coping With Infidelity board for this one.

Can you check his text logs online to see who he may be talking to? Same with call logs.

What are the papers?
 
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You keep asking the same questions.

Your husband is a cheat and a liar. What are you going to do about it?? You can either keep asking us, or you can take some of the advice we've given you and take a stand, NOW.

Well, if you want it to stop, there needs to be consequences when he does it; but know that for the consequences to work YOU will have to prepared to follow through on them when/if needed.

IMO, his lying to you shows total disrespect for you and your marriage. Trust is one of the most foundational pieces needed to make any relationship work, not just a marriage. If you don't have it, there's not much left to work on. Now I'm not saying there's no hope; there's always hope. Just that distrust can sometimes be one of the toughest hurdles to tackle.
Your husband has serious mental health issues. He is a Pathological Liar.

You should look up some material on it if you have not already. I'm sure that there are treatments much like treatments for depression.

Read more Pathological Liar – Impulsive, Compulsive Lying, Self-Deception

But I don't think he can stop, not without him acknowledging the problem and being willing to do the cure.

It must be very hard for you because you have no idea what is real and what is not.
I have been through this.
I think if you are in love with a liar, who is a habitual liar, and you are thinking...oh, he will be relieved that he doesn't need to lie any more...you are somewhat delusional (I mean this in the strictest sense, not saying you are nuts, lol) about why liars lie. See, they don't feel guilt at lying, and they obviously don't worry about being caught. Behind the lying is a need to control what you perceive as truth. It's a form of manipulative power. So confronting him is only going to feed into that sense of power that he's getting from the lying...he will see that your life, your thoughts, your energies, your hopes and dreams and so forth, are tied up in his behavior, namely, lying. This will serve his purpose.

The best thing to do with a habitual liar, is to be honest with yourself, leave him out of the equation and then well, leave. Once your life is transparent on a day to day basis you'll wonder why you spent so much time and energy thinking about his lies...it will take a while to reclaim your mind and emotions...one doesn't notice how much they are tied up in the lying game until they are quite free of it, entirely.

I've been involved with a couple of this type, each one has a slightly different M.O. but underneath they are all the same. They are either afraid of women and resent their need for them, or they are deeply insecure and need the power that comes with lying for manipulation, even the slightest lie about silly stuff will feed their need.
Do you feel a need to have 'proof' he is cheating...because it sounds , to me, like he is. Way too many reg flags..

I don't get the porn addicition thing either...read up on after saw posts on hear. It's to do with get a right hormone rush but it being attached to the porn...not a real person. So in a way they fall in love (hormonely) with the porn. There is also the factor of not having to wine and dine, no need for foreplay and it's all about the user...he doesn't have to please anyone but himself.

You can read alot online about this subject...but porn is becoming a problem for a growing number of men.

Personally I'd be more worried about him hooking up with the local women he see ads for online.

Geez... he's an idiot... when he has a warm and willing wife at home and he's very mean to tease you. I'd kick him in the nutz next time he does that! Very frustrating!
You won't like the answers. Really you won't.

He is at least half heartedly shopping and he's probably been in at least one Emotional Affair.

You aren't 'stooping' to anything. You are protecting your marriage. In the normal course of events, you wouldn't THINK of checking his email, phone etc...because your husband, in the NORMAL course of events, would be acting in a trustworthy fashion.

He is NOT acting trustworthy. You've done the honorable thing and asked him what the frog is up. He's put you off or lied. So what is a guy/girl to do? Seek truth in other ways.

This isn't a good place to be. But allow me to sooth your ruffled (sorry, regretably UNruffled ;) ) feathers.

You could be the Fairest One of All. You could be a supermodel nymphomaniac*. You still can't compete with a total internet fantasy. She can look anyway she wants in his mind, ACT any way she wants in his mind.

It isn't real.

This is small solace but I'd dig a bit more. You MIGHT be able to shake him out of it if you have evidence.

(*There is a joke men sometimes tell: Show me a really hot woman and I'll show you the man who is tired of sleeping with her. Sometimes sad but true)
One of the main reasons I'm still here is money...



Why is this an issue? Are you not able to work? Do you not have family you could turn to? How was his behavior before you married?

Sorry for all you're going through but there's no amount of $$$$ that could make me stay in an emotionally abusive relationship; and that's what yours sounds like to me. Particularly if he's unwilling to go to counseling to deal with the loss of his father/your pregnancies. IMO the personal ads and PORN would be all I'd need to pack up and go.

You seriously need to consider doing what you need to do to take care of YOU; at this point, he's pretty much checked out of the marriage.
Yeah, he is exhibiting signs of cheating. Guys don't cruise ads in craigslist for sex unless there's more than just curiosity, especially when they turn their wife down on a regular basis.

Read the story I have linked in my sig about my own experience. My husband progressed from 'just porn' to full blown cheating, almost entirely via the internet.

The big question is, do you want to be married to him, cheating aside? It doesn't sound like you do.

Wait - you are his FOURTH wife?!
I would leave. Seriously, you're young, you don't have kids. He sounds messed up. You're his fourth wife? And he's only 40?

I don't think you're going to get anywhere. He won't even admit there's a problem with how he's doing things. Maybe he would if you moved out, might shock him enough to address things.

But really, move on. Find someone less damaged.
Sorry you had to go into it this far, before you found out. But you don't need that type of toxic person in your life. Move on and be happy.
FA, It seems like you either don't get out much or have not been exposed to many good men. Let me break it to you, your husband is not a REAL MAN. Real men don't treat women the way he's treating to you. If I was his father he'd get a good lesson on how to treat women. Three times married, meh.

I consider myself very pro-marriage. Here is some advice, from a man who would never do the things you describe he has done. Get our of this marriage as fast as and as soon as you can! Learn that you don't need someone like that in your life. Learn how to take care of yourself and don't look back,
 

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? He's only looking at the ads & not calling or texting? Maybe he's using the motel phone to call them?

Or... maybe he's just using the ad as cheap porn & mastrabating???
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I know I have repeated myself.... I was just trying to get as much advice as possible. I'm going to be leaving him..... I didn't sign up for an open marriage... I also don't agree with him contacting the ad posters.... it's over. Thank you for listening and for giving me advice....
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This is a huge overreaction. It's not like the tracker vid taped him doing raunchy unspeakable horrors and emailed it to you as a link. Clearly if things are not intimate at home maybe he's entertaining the idea of personal ads, but has never acted on one yet and thats why he's not calling. maybe you need to stop stalking him and having blow ups and start giving him more sexual attention, because perhaps just maybe though you don't realize it, you may be prudish. Not an insult, just think about it.
If you read her post... It states that HE does NOT want sex with her at home and looking through these ads is indication that he is searching elsewhere. Huge over reaction? Not on her part imo. I do think she should try to sit down and have a serious conversation with him. Her offering more sex will just result in more rejection on his part if he is already refusing.
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This is a huge overreaction. It's not like the tracker vid taped him doing raunchy unspeakable horrors and emailed it to you as a link. Clearly if things are not intimate at home maybe he's entertaining the idea of personal ads, but has never acted on one yet and thats why he's not calling. maybe you need to stop stalking him and having blow ups and start giving him more sexual attention, because perhaps just maybe though you don't realize it, you may be prudish. Not an insult, just think about it.
Oh yes, CLEARLY because there is a lack of sex at home, it gives him a free pass to look elsewhere. GMAFB. She stated already that HE doesn't want sex at home, NOT the other way around. Perhaps reading the whole post before responding would be a good idea, hmmm? Her husband has no business looking at those sex ads, period. It doesn't matter what is or is not going on at home. Cheating, or even toying with the IDEA of cheating is NEVER ok, PERIOD!
 
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