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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
.......when friends and others ask, how can you remain in a relationship with someone on whom you feel the need to snoop?

I'm a supporter of snooping on your partner whether you decide to stay in the relationship or not...... but I do find it interesting when others --who apparently have not had these problems -- feel as if they are taking the higher moral ground for what is for them a hypothetical situation.

Would like to read other people's opinion on this. Be sure to add which side of this equation you were on.
 

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At sometime everyone in a relationship has felt the need to snoop about. Whether it be because the behaviors of the partner have changed or a feeling of anxiety over the strength of the relationship has developed.
Id do both look about and ask questions
 

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For me I would rather just outright confront than snoop. Ask my significant other to open their phone or Facebook account right in front of them.
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The thing is, when you decide to snoop you have to be prepared to confront - no matter what the consequences. It's still better to know, though, than to be left wondering, IMO...
 
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For me I would rather just outright confront than snoop. Ask my significant other to open their phone or Facebook account right in front of them.
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Ok, I will address this one. What would you do, in that situation, if your SO refuses and comes up with lame excuses as to why you can't look? Would you snoop then? And before you say "yes", think about this... when you confront right away, your SO then knows you are suspicious. Because she knows you're suspicious, she is more likely to delete before you have a chance to look at anything.

I snooped. I had his phone because our son wanted to do something on the computer and I needed his phone to do it. Then I got this odd feeling to look at his texts. And THEN I confronted him on it that same day. He continued speaking to her for a few days after. But we agreed to allow each other access to everything at any time we wanted. I took his phone one morning a few days later and he tried to stop me. When I asked what he was hiding, he claimed "nothing"...so I said there should be no reason I can't look. He finally relented, and I learned I was right. It STILL took a couple days for him to go NC with her. But he did it.

Now, had I not looked, I would never have known. Sorry, I would snoop all over again. I don't go through all of his texts and emails, etc anymore... but we are both free to do so at any time.
 

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It's a sad state of affairs, .
I agree 100% with this part^^

However,
If our relationship deteriorate to the point where i feel the need to
" snoop ",
Then I'm gone. I cannot love like that.
 

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I've been married 21 years and I've never snooped.

I think it's sad that people have reason and/or the need to do this. It is a sad state of affairs.
 

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I snooped. There was nothing. She is an honest, comitted well balanced person. She discovered I snooped and I lost her. Be careful. Im not taking the high oral ground here. Hell I was the one snooping around. Im just saying be careful.
 

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Maricha75 you had idea something was up. Your not wrong at all for your approach.
But for me if I asked my wife and she refused then I had my answer something was up.
My issue with " snooping" is when it is unhealthy. If you don't find something, then leave it alone.
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I eas force to look around and check out things. My W's behaviour had changed since meetting her BFF and suddenly there was a new life being created that I and my family were not privi. When things came out she realised that for 3 years she had been basically disengaged and was starting to text and talk more to the BFF than to her own family, me included and when an issue arose at home she wanted to tall her bff an about stuff that was our business I let loose a little pointed out a few facts which I m pleased were supported by the family as well. She realised that the "friendship" was begining to destroy our marridge. But It forced me to check out everything as I counldnt put my finger on what was wrong simply that there was an issue an it was getting outside controllable very soon. Am I glad I snooped about, no not really but I had to defend amy marridge and if that took covert work to do so be it. Im not big or cleaver to have to do these things but if there is something starting to happen and you need to know AADND the other party is clearly not giving much away you need to check.
If by snooping you find a catalogue of things and you do nothing about it then OK youve made the decison not to fight for your marridge. But ask yourself, "if I didnt look and check when something has been wrong for a while and suddenly the other party comes home packs and goes" would you not then wish youd just have checked?
Look about on TAMand see how many people say " I didnt see it coming"......... Its such a fine line. My W once said she thought I was starting something with a co worker who worked 4oo miles away but she didnt do anything about it - I asked why she simply said I realised that you never go there, they dont come here and you speak to her only periodically - I asked her how she knew that, the smile told me shed checked. I have to admit I felt ok about it because Id nothing at all to hide and now she saw that even when it was put in front of me on a plate Id refuse the offer no matter who the lady offering was.
Trust is vital in any relationship but when someting happens that causes someone to see their loved one in a differing light for what ever reson then I believe its ok to just check out that the foundations are still solid on the thing youve built and love. (IMO anyway) And in that I agree with richie!
 

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I see nothing wrong with snooping. But the information you gain when doing so, is for yourself only. You don't get to bring it up directly or directly use it against the person. You can use it for knowledge for what to do or how to improve or change something, but thats it. Same goes for when you find out something about a friend in a manner that you maybe were not suppose to. You should not use that knowledge in a negative way, it's wrong.
 

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Snooping being right or wrong depends on what motivates someone to use it. No relationship is without doubts or fears, and snooping can be a way to confirm that "everything is OK on the home front".

The peace of mind can actually prevent doubts and potential confrontations when, for example, a wife says "I met a cute single guy at work today and he hit on me, unsuccessfully". A couple months with a GPS tracker installed on her smartphone can put your mind to rest after reviewing where she spends her lunch breaks every day ;) If she's true blue, no need for any follow-up snide comments to her about that cute guy.

But it's very dangerous. The source of the negative information you potentially gain from it can never be revealed to your SO unless it's in divorce court or at an arbitrator's office. It's for your use only. If you reveal it, you might be committing a relationship mistake as large as his/hers, in their eyes.
 

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.......when friends and others ask, how can you remain in a relationship with someone on whom you feel the need to snoop?

I'm a supporter of snooping on your partner whether you decide to stay in the relationship or not...... but I do find it interesting when others --who apparently have not had these problems -- feel as if they are taking the higher moral ground for what is for them a hypothetical situation.

Would like to read other people's opinion on this. Be sure to add which side of this equation you were on.
I have met a LOT of those judgemental people. They don't get it because they haven't been there, and so I would just ignore a lot of it - and especially, I don't call it 'snooping' - that's their word and it's deliberately negative, along with 'spying'. What you are doing (and what I have done) is to take steps to protect my marriage. That isn't summing it up in one word of course, but you could also call it 'marriage/relationship protection or 'marriage/relationship insurance' or whatever. One way to justify it - not that, imo, it needs to be justified, because if they don't like you doing it, that's their tough youknowwhat - is to tell them that your marriage (or relationship) is important to you, and you would rather know where you stand before you take 'final' action.

I have checked up on my husband's behavior when certain behaviors of his suggested to me that I might be right to do so. Every time I have checked, I have been right to check. There hasn't been a physical affair (so far as I am aware), but he has had a couple of EA's and has also been using porn. I don't care to get into whether it's okay to use porn, just sufficient to say that it's not okay to me that he uses porn, while depriving me of sex.

So, that's my take on it. And I'm still married to him, and intend to stay married to him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
What I find interesting is that your employer can do "investigations" on you, not let you know or approve of them. And whether you get the job, or keep the job, can be dependent on the information that they gather from that investigation, even if they don't make an effort to verify what they have.

And I would have to say, in this day and age, having the means to support yourself is far more important than a relationship.
 

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What I find interesting is that your employer can do "investigations" on you, not let you know or approve of them. And whether you get the job, or keep the job, can be dependent on the information that they gather from that investigation, even if they don't make an effort to verify what they have.
The difference is what they call a "reasonable expectation of privacy". Most people expect to be investigated before they get hired not necessarily in a relationship.

Not many people do this type investigating on people nor is it expected. Many people wrong or right expect privacy in their private lives - not so much at work.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
The difference is what they call a "reasonable expectation of privacy". Most people expect to be investigated before they get hired not necessarily in a relationship.

Not many people do this type investigating on people nor is it expected. Many people wrong or right expect privacy in their private lives - not so much at work.

I agree it's one thing to give up references and agree to checks at university (transcript), but employers also call their contacts that they know who may have worked for the same company as the candidate has and so on. These people may think that they know that person, but what verification is there? This is not agreed to. I realise that this cannot be regulated but it still happens.

And as much as I value personal relationships, being able to support yourself is important and certainly contributes to healthier personal relationships. (ie, you would be less likely to stay with someone abusive if you could financially support yourself).
 

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I never snooped once in 17 years. Had no reason too. Then H had an EA txt A.
It devastated our marriage and I went into snoop overdrive.'it almost killed me. Now we are in R I 'snoop' now and again, but that's part of the path we are now on. We have no passwords now, no secrets, total transparency is the order of the day!
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