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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
thanks for all the opinions and info people share here ! these probably and likely have made a huge difference to my life. Thank you.

it has been a roller coster for me the past 4 months. things deteriorated suddenly and then I got onto this forum and found soo soo many things to ponder and got informed. Ultimately after about 10 hour effort daily on my part to see through the myriad of issues and get her on board to marriage improvement i managed to make solid progress. i got hold of the "his needs her needs" vidoes and must say that it was so nicely put that it gave the first solid results. hower patience was really tested but I persisted. i am not sure of the longetivity of this change but I will be patient and it is bearing fruits now. my posts was a little in reaction to my situation though and a vent to my frustration though i remained patient in spite of the big set backs. I think I am getting better at meeting her emotional needs and she for the first time seems to be understanding mine. i think we may be turning the corner to a better relationship. though there are other complexities to handle. i am happy today - finally we were able to go through all of her needs and mine and there seems to be an agreement at least now. I hope this is a permanent thing. hopefully the positive fb loop starts now.
as of now I can only thank all you guys and posters of now and before who helped me to understand her needs and helping me persuade to a large extent in seeing the issues.
the vidoes i referred earlier were the biggest help coz she would never have believed my words if I had said those and certainly she would never have read any book or article or page (her nature/aversion to reading).
feeling happy. my post was in my time of momentary despair.
she gave me a tough time and was really really cruel in so many ways but I guess one has to try to appeal to the positive side of someone and start to take the lead.
u only become a better human being by being patient and be willing to forgive (her cruelties were kind of extreme not so much in the sexual side but other side). I attribute them to personal defects maybe or her nature of taking the path of least effort/selfishness perhaps. hopefully the increasing love bank units will be able to improve the situation in this side too... i hope it makes sense.

sometimes being positive is the only option though it tests the patience and sometimes you have to really raise yourself. only then you can cause the change. Persistence paid finally i think. feeling positive about her for the first time since the last 9-10 years.

she meanwhile tried all kinds of emotional manipulation/abuse but I guess I saw through that and responded in the right way and that eventually probably bounced back all those negative attitude and she saw her attitude herself.

self realisation > self change > patience > persistence > small change > persistence > self change > her realisation > her change > your change > her change > positive feedback loop.

I guess the stages vary in lenght and quality but sure as hell something seems different now.....
thanks to all you guys on TAM and "his needs and her needs" and "love busters".

For me the from the bottom to here took about 4 months. How you react and how positive you are makes the difference and most important what resources you use. sorry more rambling in nature but i wanted to give vent about my positive change to for a change here ....

I am still in a kind of extreme situation (non sexual aspects and other responsibilities) but I hope this is a precursor for positive changes in those areas as well.


in the depths of despair you have to find fortitude perhaps.
 

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So what happened dude? How did you break through? I have been battling this sexless marriage vs for ever - got almost a year dry spell recently. Had some progress then back to square one. About a year+ ago I hit the 11 month mark and couldn't handle it anymore. Next thing I knew we were doing it weekly and it was awesome sex - incredible. I reacted too enthusiastically then one day she said (immediately after an amazing session) 'you got to stop putting so much emphasis in this while thing. And then she went right back into the shell if protection - that was devastating! I almost felt like the previous stint if success was all a big setup to hoax me. I l became incredibly depressed. Now I don't really want sex anymore - I am really hurt and feel more disgusting than ever. I feel like a walking piece of scum - even though I know I am not I feel like a zero. I have come to realize that if te deterioration process occurred over many years then the revival p process might also take as long provided I invest much effort continuously. It feels like the biggest mountain if a task and I don't expect any miracle solution. That's why I ask what happened as your experience sounds reasonable - ie te persistence and dedication and time - so it is believable and must know some good details else I am likely to just give in and become a zombie!
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks for the interest.

It took a long time for us to get to the nadir and surprisingly it turned for the better in a short period of time after my persistent efforts.

The reason could be anything to not so big differences or some light shining in her head.

I believe that the videos of Dr. Harley explaining the emotional needs and lovebusters made the difference. She would never want to read anything for marriage improvement but the ease of watching videos made her see that my needs were normal and made her understand that the emotional needs of men and women are different in a relationship.

You have to watch all the videos with her and stick to Dr. Harley's advice. He has hit the nail on the head. It is so simple and systematic. Then time with along with your persistent efforts will make the difference. Just watch it.

List the prioritised order of yours and hers emotional needs (you get them in the videos or book or his website).

List yours and hers love busters. Start your own improvement (using the MMSL approach) but stick to Dr. Harley's plan. It is not complicated.

Be firm, dont lose your self respect and avoid love busters at all costs. Deflect arguments and do not get into any arguments. Dont be selfish. Give up annoying habits especially and remove the lovebusters as she would like.

Negotiate without using the love busters. Come to a joint enthusiastic agreement.

Be totally honest. It is not necessary to react to everything from your spouse.

Lose all anger.

Focus and keep studying. That gives a lot a clues and motivation.

If you have reasonable drive and have reasonable and non deviant expectations and your spouse does not more than big personality defects then you will def succeed.

Appeal to the human being in her, appeal to her positive emotions. Fulfill her emotional needs that you find out from her. (Follow the book)

Good luck to you !
 
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