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I know this is a long post, and i apologize. But please read it. I really need some help.. its only long because our problems and so large. (and maybe i went into too much detail). And keep in mind, i love my husband. Im not trying to make him sound like a bad person or husband. We just need help. I've tried everything.. I don't want to live like this anymore..

My husband is in the marines. He just turned 20 and i'm almost 19. We got married so i could move with him wherever the corps sent him. He started smoking after boot-camp. When he went for other training, i guess the other guys got him into it. He has promised me countless times that he would stop smoking, made it seem like he did, hid it from me, lied to me about it. He just recently got an electronic cigarette so that he could get on the path to stop smoking.

Recently we have been having lots of problems so we finally tried to talk about it and he thought i knew (and for once, i didnt) that he had been smoking. So he admitted to it. When i asked how he was smoking without me knowing (cause i could always smell it) he said its because it was just one each morning, so the smell was gone by the time he got home. It hurt me so much because we basically wasted $100-150 on two different electronic cigarettes so he could stop all for him just to deliberately find ways to smoke behind my back. I think what hurt the most this time is that i kept thinking that with all our problems, at least he isnt smoking any more, or at least real cigs.

The other thing that hurts, is the fact that im pregnant. It hurt knowing that the couldnt quit for me, but he made me a promise that he would for this baby. because he knew he needed to. Im a little more that 4 months along, and the talk where he admitted about smoking just happened about 2 nights ago. He cant quit for me or our baby. I dont know what else to do to make him quit. I love him and would never think about leaving, but this is hurting me every day.

But wait.. There's more. :/

So on top of the smoking problems, when im gone, such as before i moved up here and when i went back home for a month to help plan our wedding, and who knows how many other times. He watches porn and does (you know what) to it. I found videos on his computer that he took with his phone of a porn chatroom thing. He paid for it. Two different times. Its a girl on video doing sexual stuff and them talking dirty to eachother. And in the video you can hear him doing (you know what). He has gone to websites and looked at dirty pictures and had audio of a girl having sex that he got off the internet i guess on his phone. and he used all that to pleasure himself. And again, he has told me over and over that he will stop and said he does it just cause he used to before we were together so he just kept doing it i guess. But he doesnt stop and thats no excuse.

In our house we have two bathrooms and only one has a lock. The one without the lock gives me a chance to catch him. I believe he goes and looks at his porn or whatever when he is in there (doing number 2) and he always takes his phone. Sometimes he is playing a game he always plays or reading news. But there have been some times where ive walked in and he exits something really fast. I brought it up a long long time ago when this was going on, but i started checking again and not telling him. So i dont say anything. im sure he knows though. And in the bathroom with the lock. Sometimes he will leave the door open or unlocked and sometimes he will lock it. When i knock he has opened it right up for me. but othertimes he doesnt open it or he has tried to stall me and take a long time to open it. He always has the fan on in the bathroom, but i have tried to listen and i am pretty sure i have heard him doing stuff.

I know it sounds bad that im always trying to catch him, snooping and stuff. But he has caused me to not trust him and to be paranoid every second of the day. I have been extremely unhappy recently and i know thats bad for the baby. I cry almost everyday. Im not working right now so i'm always at home. And things have gotten so bad between us.

I assume that if your reading this you saw the title. So your probably asking yourself, whats wrong with the sex part? well. here it is..

It ties in with the porn subject. First off, he is constantly asking for sex and other sexual acts. Constantly. And i love having sex with him but i haven't had much of an urge since ive been pregnant and the constant asking and touching me and trying to persuade me to all the time, just makes me not want to do it at all. but sometimes im scared that if i don't have enough sex with him, that he will turn to porn. I think he already has been doing that. And he makes me feel bad about it sometime by saying we never do anything any more and joking about how im not attracted to him anymore and never have sex with him. But it makes me feel horrible. even though he claims hes "only joking". He also gets extremely mad and in a bad mood if i tell him early in the day that we might make love that night and then i end up being too tired or something. He says its messed up to tease him or get him excited about that and just not do it. Because apparently i did it a lot. But its usually because im either too tired because the pregnancy or sometimes i just change my mind because he asks about it or talks about it all day and makes me not want to.

With all these problems, he also doesn't help around the house, gets mad if i don't do laundry that i promised and then just doesn't acknowledge it when i finally do it. He doesn't think about anyone but him self, doesn't help with anything, uses the "m tired from work" excuse, promised to help with the dogs cause they always almost knock me down and we are scared that i will fall and lose the baby, but he hasn't helped one. Things have gotten so bad that i came out with it the other day and told him that he treats me like **** and lies to me all the time.

Im sorry this post is so long, i didnt know I would type so much. But please help me. And keep in mind, hes not a bad guy. I am head over heels in love with him and he is the sweetest guy ive ever met. I married the man of my dreams. Hes just making bad decisions and i dont know why. I love him and want us to be happy. I want him to treat me like he used to. And to act like he loves me. I want to see and feel his love. Not just know that its there. We really need some help. I dont want to have all these problems when the baby comes. Please give any advice that you can. Anything will help.
 

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1. Re the smoking - you cannot force him to quit, and he cannot quit for anyone else. He has to WANT to quit FOR HIMSELF. And even then he will struggle mightily. I have 'quit' many times over the years and am still smoking - it's harder than anything else I have ever encountered. Except for recovering from my husband cheating.

That brings me to #2.

Your husband is cheating on you and may be a cybersex/sex addict. Please read all the links in my signature, and google the effects of porn on the brain. This isn't something to be taken lightly. Your husband has moved past porn to having one on one sex with other women via webcam. THIS IS CHEATING, make no mistake about it. The next step will be to meet up with them in person, if he hasn't already done so. You must take this VERY seriously.

You have to develop a zero tolerance policy. You can either give him the ultimatum now, with what you know, or you can do more digging to find out if he HAS gone farther than the webcam stuff. If I were you I would figure out how to get everything off his phone so you can see just what he's been up to, and also keylog his computer and put a VAR in his car. He very well could be talking to these women too.

Please don't sweep this under the rug. If you do, he WILL progress to physical acts if he hasn't already, and you could very well end up with an STD or HIV. Find out how far he has already gone and put a stop to it. What he is doing is TOTALLY unacceptable.
 

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Also, though - do what you promise. If you say you'll do laundry, do it. If you say you'll have sex, do it. If you let yourself get into if you enjoyed it before you still will. Approach it with a positive attitude of how wonderful it is to reaffirm you still find him attractive.

After all, you'll want him to still find YOU sexy, right? Someone has to take the first step. I suggest you compromise.

I don't have issues with porn but I wouldn't like the two-way chat. Agree that you'll take a nap or do whatever to get in the mood. Maybe you have to skip TV and go to bed at 8pm if that's what it takes to not be exhausted. So find out how much he'd like and agree to some terms - he stops doing chats/porn but you will try to get in the mood and will have sex even if you're tired 5x a week. And try something he thinks will be fun once a week.

A lot of this stuff sounds petty. If you start the day thinking "how can I make my husband happy/have a good day today" you will cultivate the same from him. He'll be happy, he'll help out, you'll be happy and have energy for sex... it will be come a cycle of positive feelings instead of negative ones.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
About the webcam sex chat room. i thought i would mention that its only a viewing and semi chat site. she could not see him. its pretty much to watch live porn and reply to it.

As far as him talking to other people or physically cheating on me, I check his phone all the time. and he has no free time where he could cheat.

I know that its mentally cheating, and i know he has a porn problem. But he has never looked at or talked to another woman like that. On the porn chat site the replies were all like. little things to keep her going and show he was enjoying it. no actual chatting.

Also like i said he is in the marine corps. And he is well aware of what could happen if he cheated. We both are. We have seen/heard the consequences up close via friends and other marines/military personnel.
 

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I usually do what i say as far as laundry. That example was just one day he asked me to and i said i would do it the next day and i forgot. but i did it the very next day.

I do agree about the promising sex. i just need to make time for rest.

The problem is, being pregnant i dont usually have the urge or i hurt alot. We do still occasionally have sex, i guess i should have mentioned that. Its not a sexless marriage, just not frequent like it used to be. He just seems not to care that i cant do what i used to before getting pregnant and still expects the same amount of sex as we used to have.

And i used to wake up happy every day and always want to do things to make him happy and id wait impatiently all day for him to get home every day because i couldn't wait to see him. I still like to do nice things for him and surprise him. But now i feel myself thinking why do all these things for him when he is just going to treat me bad or just want sex.

When we have sex he is happy and says all these sweet things after he will say what do you want to do now. We can do what ever you want. blah, blah, blah. We had sex the other night and i dressed up for him, so he is doing the dishes today. (supposedly)

And whenever i want to do something, he says okay, if you make love to me or do a little something for me. in a joking manner but i know he is serious. Whenever i ask to do something it turns to a deal where i have to do some sexual act for him.
 

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About the webcam sex chat room. i thought i would mention that its only a viewing and semi chat site. she could not see him. its pretty much to watch live porn and reply to it.

As far as him talking to other people or physically cheating on me, I check his phone all the time. and he has no free time where he could cheat.

I know that its mentally cheating, and i know he has a porn problem. But he has never looked at or talked to another woman like that. On the porn chat site the replies were all like. little things to keep her going and show he was enjoying it. no actual chatting.

Also like i said he is in the marine corps. And he is well aware of what could happen if he cheated. We both are. We have seen/heard the consequences up close via friends and other marines/military personnel.
You are making excuses for him. Stop it. Stop it right now. Have you read my story? My husband 'only' viewed porn for a few years, which led to 'only' chatting where women couldn't see him, which led to 'only' signing up for sexsearch and adult friend finder, which led to 'only' trying to meet up in person etc etc etc.

He has no free time where he could cheat? Are you with him 24/7? You have NO idea to what lengths cheaters go to cover their tracks.

You are not taking this seriously enough.
 

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And whenever i want to do something, he says okay, if you make love to me or do a little something for me. in a joking manner but i know he is serious. Whenever i ask to do something it turns to a deal where i have to do some sexual act for him.
He has a PROBLEM. If you don't insist that he do something about it, prepare for a life of repeated heartache.
 

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Discussion Starter #10 (Edited)
You are making excuses for him. Stop it. Stop it right now. Have you read my story? My husband 'only' viewed porn for a few years, which led to 'only' chatting where women couldn't see him, which led to 'only' signing up for sexsearch and adult friend finder, which led to 'only' trying to meet up in person etc etc etc.

He has no free time where he could cheat? Are you with him 24/7? You have NO idea to what lengths cheaters go to cover their tracks.

You are not taking this seriously enough.
I believe he has no free time. He works from 7:30 am to 3:00 pm. And He cant do anything at work. And if hes home i am too. and the only other time were are apart is for marine things. where he is with groups of people for pt or uniform inspections and such.

im not trying to make excuses. and i know it is possible, it just that most days he doesn't even spent and hour alone. I am taking this seriously. And considering what you said about your husband i understand what it can lead to. Also, thank you for taking the time to read my forum and give me advice.
 

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Not yet. We don't really have the time or money for that. And i really don't want to have to do that. I wanted to try to fix this between us. I just needed a little outside help and advice on how to handle it.
He needs professional help. He has addictions, and addictions need special treatment. If he's in the military, you both can get it for free. You have to be willing to ask his CO for the help though. If you could handle it on your own then you would have already.
 

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He needs professional help. He has addictions, and addictions need special treatment. If he's in the military, you both can get it for free. You have to be willing to ask his CO for the help though. If you could handle it on your own then you would have already.
Hes not going to ask his CO for help. And i doubt he would try counseling anyway. But you're right. That's why i'm on here asking for help.
 

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Please, do some reading around here. You don't know what he does at work. You don't know what he does in his car. You don't know what he does at work functions. There are stories all over here about BS's (that's what you are - betrayed spouse) having the wool COMPLETELY pulled over their eyes. You have no idea how much I want to be wrong here, but we've seen this SO many times, and all the signs are there. You need to protect yourself and your baby. How will you feel if you find out in a year or two or five that he gave you HIV while you were pregnant and you passed it on to your child?

I am sorry that I sound harsh. I just want what's best for you, and it's frustrating to see you say things like "its only a viewing and semi chat site" "I know that its mentally cheating, and i know he has a porn problem. But......" "no actual chatting" etc. You ARE making excuses for him. Please, don't.
 

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Hes not going to ask his CO for help. And i doubt he would try counseling anyway. But you're right. That's why i'm on here asking for help.
YOU should let his CO know about his behavior. It's not becoming of an officer. He has a standard to uphold as a soldier.

If you aren't willing to go there, then you really don't want help.
 

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Every man who looks at porn does not have an addiction or cheat. That may be some people's experience - doesn't mean it's his.

I don't get why being pregnant (and only 5 months) would make for discomfort. In fact you should be hitting the super horny part and getting out of the tired all the time part.
 

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Please, do some reading around here. You don't know what he does at work. You don't know what he does in his car. You don't know what he does at work functions. There are stories all over here about BS's (that's what you are - betrayed spouse) having the wool COMPLETELY pulled over their eyes. You have no idea how much I want to be wrong here, but we've seen this SO many times, and all the signs are there. You need to protect yourself and your baby. How will you feel if you find out in a year or two or five that he gave you HIV while you were pregnant and you passed it on to your child?

I am sorry that I sound harsh. I just want what's best for you, and it's frustrating to see you say things like "its only a viewing and semi chat site" "I know that its mentally cheating, and i know he has a porn problem. But......" "no actual chatting" etc. You ARE making excuses for him. Please, don't.
I understand. Like i said i'm not trying to make excuses for him. And like i said i know it is a possibility. I have a somewhat off topic question for you. But it still has to do with my problem.

One main factor in all this that is a problem. I have trouble talking to him about all of this. I have confronted him multiple times after he has done such acts. But we never have had a full conversation about it. Its usually an apology and a promise not to do it again. And recently i haven't been able to at all. Like i said, the other night all i could tell him is that he is lying to me all the time and treating me bad. (I apologize, i didn't realize i typed and posted the actual word earlier) But i have never fully laid everything out for him to see or expressed everything. I think its partially my fault its gotten so bad because for the longest time i told myself id rather live like this than say all the stuff i need and hurt him. But he needs to see my side of things and an outside look at it as ya'll have given me. So that brings me to my question..

Do you think i should show him my post and let him read all the replies and advice that you all have given? I think its the only way for him to be able to see whats going on.
 

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Every man who looks at porn does not have an addiction or cheat. That may be some people's experience - doesn't mean it's his.

I don't get why being pregnant (and only 5 months) would make for discomfort. In fact you should be hitting the super horny part and getting out of the tired all the time part.
I agree. And ive had a rough time with my pregnancy. But i am supposed to be getting my libido and energy back. Thats probably why I surprised him the other night. I think its just the problems at this point. And as for the energy. If we stay home and dont go out im usually okay. But if we go on a walk or to the mall or something, im usually out of energy. And time is a factor.
 

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Do you think i should show him my post and let him read all the replies and advice that you all have given? I think its the only way for him to be able to see whats going on.
No!!!!! No no no no no. Because if he IS up to anything you don't know about, you've tipped your hand.
 

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No!!!!! No no no no no. Because if he IS up to anything you don't know about, you've tipped your hand.
Okay. Lets say he isnt. And its just the porn and wanting sex problem. Because like i said i know its possible, but i dont believe he is cheating. Plus im not trying to prove that he is. When i posted on here it was never my intention to try to get help in catching him cheating.
 

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If you cannot do it on your own, see a counselor who can help you do it.

As for the fact that not everyone who uses porn has a problem, of course they don't. But this guy has gone beyond porn. He INTERACTS with OTHER WOMEN one on one. That's what they do in chats. Especially PAID chats. This guy is PAYING FOR SEX. THAT IS a problem.
 
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