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Small Annoyance, so I am taking a Poll LOL

5K views 67 replies 35 participants last post by  Randy Lafever 
#1 ·
Married for almost 10 years now. We have recently been working through our issues with counselling.

I have lingering issues with small things, just cannot sometimes shake them and I stew about them. This is the latest that has been ongoing and on the radar actually for our entire relationship.

My wife has a standard transmission vehicle and I cannot drive it. She wanted me to learn originally, as it would be beneficial to her and I she felt. For those times I wanted to use it, take it out and wash it for her, move it into the garage when etc.

I tried a few times but got frustrated trying to learn to drive standard so I gave up. Over the last 10 years, there is maybe 1 or 2 instances per year that come up like she mentioned above.

I guess as things have been more raw for us, minor issues like this start to register for me. And with that in mind, recently I needed to be dropped off somewhere and asked her if she could pick me up and then take me back there later in the day.

Her response was certainly a bit more terse than usual, but she said basically that she has made it clear that the option is there for me to learn to drive standard. Since I have chosen not to, there would be consequences from time to time. In this case, had I learnt to drive her car, I could have easily taken it. She went on to say that this was another example of me being an only child, where I think that there are usually never consequences and I can just get my way.

I guess I have a much different opinion and wondered if I was truly in the wrong on this one. I feel driving standard was something I did not take to well, and now because of the frustration I have lost interest to keep trying. Since we are talking about once or twice that these inconveniences for her come up every year, I did not feel it was very onerous in the grand scheme. And I guess lastly, I usually try to step back and look at things if they were reversed and I guess I could not imagine taking this type of stance with her had she not been able to learn or continue to make the effort to learn standard if roles were reversed.

I know it is minor but wonder what others think of our squabble over this..am I out to lunch on this one?
 
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#32 ·
I taught my son when he was 16 how to drive a standard. he didn't want to learn at first but I told him everyone should know how to drive one just in case.

He was a great student, learned well and guess what? His first car was a standard. LOL.

I'd be embarrassed if the OP were my husband. I'd make him wear a dress every time I had to drive his pansy ass somewhere because he couldn't learn how to drive a standard. Ugh.
 
#33 ·
I gotta tell you how I learned to drive stick. I live in a rural state and at that time kids got a daytime licence at 14. I worked summers cleaning dads cabinet shop. In the winter we burned all the sawdust and waste wood and a few mistakes in the old coal boiler. But in the summer the sawdust had to be composted. We would put sheets of plywood around the bed of the truck making a box 5' x 8' x 5'. I would fill that with sawdust. One day I finished loading the truck around noon, and reported to dad. He just said well go dump it. Of course I said I can't drive stick, to which he replies . . . . (yep you guessed it) "is your left leg broken?" Well by the time I drove it (3/4 ton pickup) 15 miles each way, I was pretty confident with that truck. It was years before I learned to down shift. And every new vehicle had an adjustment period. But like many I now prefer the Standard transmission for the additional control you get.

My kids claim I'm a terrible driving instructor. But hey I didn't have an instructor. Maybe that makes my dad the better instructor. ;)
 
#35 ·
My STBXH and I had the same squabble! After our marriage, his car died, and he needed to replace it. He was used to a standard, and was concerned about buying one because I cannot drive standard. I told him that since HE was paying for the car, to think about what HE wanted, not what would be easier for me. I said that I would try to learn, but didn't make an promises. He bought a standard, and tried many times to teach me how to drive it. I was excited to learn initially, but found that I just couldn't grasp it, and couldn't get more than a couple of jerky feet before stalling out.
Many tears were shed behind his wheel, and my heart rate and stress levels also skyrocketed, which he could never understand. After many failed attempts, I needed a break, and I pretty much never went back to learning it. It came up a few times, but I just said "no thanks", and the final time it came up, he actually got pretty angry with me, which I didn't understand given that I had made no promises in the first place, and was scared to drive it.

A lot of people here say it's simple; to some, sure! To others, it isn't. To boot, my STBXH was a university prof who taught people all the time. I will say though that I managed to get my best friend's car up to second gear in a big parking lot. She had a much better way of explaining things to me though.

So no, you're not the only one who's had that argument, and no, I don't think you're in the wrong. I do think though that you could maybe do something like take an Uber or taxi instead of asking your wife for a lift.
 
#36 ·
I was on a flight to Northern France which was diverted because of bad weather.The airline were going to bus the passengers to the original destination but I was in a hurry so I hired a car at the small airport we landed at.
It was a Renault and it was a piece of ****.
The gearshift was to the right of the steering column and it was a nightmare to drive.
 
#37 ·
Married for almost 10 years now. We have recently been working through our issues with counselling.

I have lingering issues with small things, just cannot sometimes shake them and I stew about them. This is the latest that has been ongoing and on the radar actually for our entire relationship.

My wife has a standard transmission vehicle and I cannot drive it. She wanted me to learn originally, as it would be beneficial to her and I she felt. For those times I wanted to use it, take it out and wash it for her, move it into the garage when etc.

I tried a few times but got frustrated trying to learn to drive standard so I gave up.
I won't lie. I would be really annoyed if learning something simple was not achievable because you got frustrated and gave up.

Over the last 10 years, there is maybe 1 or 2 instances per year that come up like she mentioned above.
I wonder if it would be helpful more often but she does not mention it because she knows you cannot do it.

I guess as things have been more raw for us, minor issues like this start to register for me. And with that in mind, recently I needed to be dropped off somewhere and asked her if she could pick me up and then take me back there later in the day.

Her response was certainly a bit more terse than usual, but she said basically that she has made it clear that the option is there for me to learn to drive standard. Since I have chosen not to, there would be consequences from time to time. In this case, had I learnt to drive her car, I could have easily taken it. She went on to say that this was another example of me being an only child, where I think that there are usually never consequences and I can just get my way.
This is telling. She did not express this very well, since your being an only child is irrelevant and a distraction. But YOU did choose not to continue to learn after getting frustrated. It seems that there are other examples of you "getting your way". It might be interesting to explore if there are patterns of this sort that she is resentful about. If it is just the standard transmission, then yah, suck it up Mrs Rover. But it sounds like she views this as an example of a prevalent pattern.


I guess I have a much different opinion and wondered if I was truly in the wrong on this one. I feel driving standard was something I did not take to well, and now because of the frustration I have lost interest to keep trying.
Do you only do things that you "take to well"? I would die of frustration if I had to cover stuff that my husband felt he could not do as a pattern.

Since we are talking about once or twice that these inconveniences for her come up every year, I did not feel it was very onerous in the grand scheme. And I guess lastly, I usually try to step back and look at things if they were reversed and I guess I could not imagine taking this type of stance with her had she not been able to learn or continue to make the effort to learn standard if roles were reversed.

I know it is minor but wonder what others think of our squabble over this..am I out to lunch on this one?
My husband regularly misses the example and thinks it is the problem. I would bet a dollar the transmission and the car are not the problem as she sees it. Else why would she say "just ANOTHER example"?
 
#38 ·
Eons ago, my then 15 year old nephew taught me how to drive a standard transmission prior to my purchasing my yellow VW Kharman Ghia Convertible.

And trust me, if I can learn how, anybody can learn how!
 
#39 ·
While I think you should learn how to drive a standard, I am concerned with your wife's comment about you being an only child. That is really verbal and emotional abuse meant to force you to do something you don't want to do.

It's true that you won't be able to have her just drop what she is doing and drive you somewhere, but it's also true you can rent a car when you need it, or better yet, get some nice looking woman to pick you up and take you where you need to go.

Maybe that's not a good idea, but you get the point that she really is being way too controlling.
 
#42 ·
Everyone has hit the nail on the head. And here i was thinking about how to say "grow a pair" and learn to drive stick nicely to OP while reading the original post. Lol

Makes me wonder if people that struggle learning stick are those that drive improperly and use their left foot on the brake. Ive very rarely come across these drivers and thought WTF when I first did as my dad taught me obviously you dont use your left foot on the damn brake.
 
#50 ·
Makes me wonder if people that struggle learning stick are those that drive improperly and use their left foot on the brake. Ive very rarely come across these drivers and thought WTF when I first did as my dad taught me obviously you dont use your left foot on the damn brake.
I drive properly, and I drive an automatic. I struggled in the past to learn how to drive standard on my H's car, and the last time it came up, he got bloody mad, which just made my anxiety levels rise. I drive well and have a clean record, and I don't use the brake with my left foot. I suppose I'm just too stupid to wrap my brain around it, and that's most likely what H thought as well, since he's the one with the 2 masters, doctorate and post-doc, and I have a measly trade school certificate. Personally, I "get" what OP is experiencing, and while learning a stick would be a useful thing to know, it's not imperative, and it's not going to make life better. OP just either needs to become acquainted with Uber or get his own car, an automatic.
 
#43 ·
There is nothing more fun than driving a stick. I must admit here to a highly illegal activity in my youth. I, to the great chagrin of my father, had a 68 Ford Galaxie Fastback,385 big block, Hurst 4 on the floor, shackles on the rear, big ass BF Goodrichs on the back. She moved. Shaking that car from 2nd to 3rd built me a bicep of steel. (My dad, one day grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and took me to his dresser. He pointed at a $100 bill, and asked me if I knew what it was for? I did not clue in, then he says, this is to throw your bail when they arrest your sorry ass, and take your shlt-box) Well, that Galaxie also won me some significant coin back in the 70's. I never dragged for pinks back then, cold hard cash was my thing. My GF at the time would tuck both stakes into her bra, and when (not if) I won, I got to take it out myself. Made enough one night to upgrade, 72 Plymouth Satellite, 383 power plant, top end everything, I taught my wife to drive a stick in that car. Stopped doing the drag thing when my eldest was born.

Unfortunately, we both grew up, and entered SUV and minivan city. Missed the thrill of a throaty engine. Until I turned 60. She said to go out and get myself a toy. Thought it over, Camaro, Challenger, Mustang, then I passed an A4 Cabriolet. Went in and tested it, guts galore, moves well with an auto tranny. Convertible. 2 door, black. She is somewhat scared of it, but loves to arrive with the top down, the kerchief and sunglasses thing going on.
 
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#45 · (Edited)
I don't think I've ever seen 100% unanimous responses on a thread that goes on for pages like this one.

Nothing new to add so I'll just pile on.

Driving a stick is a matter of letting off some pressure with your left foot while you add some pressure with your right. Seriously that's it.

Anyone who says they have tried, but cannot drive a standard shift car is probably retarded to some extent.
 
#51 ·
Driving a stick is a matter of letting off some pressure with your left foot while you add some pressure with your right. Seriously that's it.

Anyone who says they have tried, but cannot drive a standard shift car is probably retarded to some extent.
Like OP, been there, tried that, and all we got was a really jerky ride, and it took about 20 minutes for me to go about 4 feet. My H at the time tried to teach me on his old 1998 car; a girlfriend managed to get me moving in her 1997 car. Then H got a 2013 standard and said that they make the new ones really easy to drive and that I'd have "no problem". Yeah, right. And on behalf of those of us who cannot drive stick: thanks for that "retarded" comment.
 
#46 ·
Married for almost 10 years now. We have recently been working through our issues with counselling.

I have lingering issues with small things, just cannot sometimes shake them and I stew about them. This is the latest that has been ongoing and on the radar actually for our entire relationship.

My wife has a standard transmission vehicle and I cannot drive it. She wanted me to learn originally, as it would be beneficial to her and I she felt. For those times I wanted to use it, take it out and wash it for her, move it into the garage when etc.

I tried a few times but got frustrated trying to learn to drive standard so I gave up. Over the last 10 years, there is maybe 1 or 2 instances per year that come up like she mentioned above.

Being that you have tried and don't really do well, nor like driving a standard, it seems you would not be likely to take it anywhere, except taking it out and washing it for her, or move it into the garage for her, or something else she needed you to do. She's using you like a rented mule.


I guess as things have been more raw for us, minor issues like this start to register for me. And with that in mind, recently I needed to be dropped off somewhere and asked her if she could pick me up and then take me back there later in the day.

Her response was certainly a bit more terse than usual, but she said basically that she has made it clear that the option is there for me to learn to drive standard. Since I have chosen not to, there would be consequences from time to time. In this case, had I learnt to drive her car, I could have easily taken it. She went on to say that this was another example of me being an only child, where I think that there are usually never consequences and I can just get my way.

I guess I have a much different opinion and wondered if I was truly in the wrong on this one.
She makes you feel like you are wrong often, or you would not be looking for help. Your post shows you are emotionally beaten down and in need of compassion and respect. Her actions and words show she does not respect you. I don't know your situation. It seems an easy answer to "buck up" and so forth. It usually isn't, once you've gotten to the point of needing outside help on something like this. I'm sorry you are hurting.



I feel driving standard was something I did not take to well, and now because of the frustration I have lost interest to keep trying. Since we are talking about once or twice that these inconveniences for her come up every year, I did not feel it was very onerous in the grand scheme. And I guess lastly, I usually try to step back and look at things if they were reversed and I guess I could not imagine taking this type of stance with her had she not been able to learn or continue to make the effort to learn standard if roles were reversed.

I know it is minor but wonder what others think of our squabble over this..am I out to lunch on this one?
I think anyone would have frustration from the disrespect you are putting up with. Maybe you need to take the advice of others here and work on yourself and what you need and want? Maybe read some books on finding your inner strength so you can get out of that situation.

It sounds to me like she doesn't love you. First, there is disrespect. Then, verbal abuse enters into the marriage when she thinks so little of you. She then tells you she won't compromise, you have to do as she says. She then wants you to clean her car and put it away when she tells you. Is she your wife or your employer? Right now, I'd say your love is wasted on her.
 
#58 ·
She makes you feel like you are wrong often, or you would not be looking for help. Your post shows you are emotionally beaten down and in need of compassion and respect. Her actions and words show she does not respect you. I don't know your situation. It seems an easy answer to "buck up" and so forth. It usually isn't, once you've gotten to the point of needing outside help on something like this. I'm sorry you are hurting.
It could go either way, I suppose. We will never know since OP has flown the coop. Certainly she could have a do no right attitude. But he could also see this as a signature small annoyance instead of a pattern as indicated by the wife's "example" comment. If giving up in the face of slight frustration is a pattern or needing to have his way is a pattern, I can see why the wife finds this more than a small annoyance.
 
#47 ·
You end up living for the moment that the clutch engages and you have shifted to the next gear. That, and getting out of a jam without sending your car into a spin using the gearshift to slow you down versus jamming on the brakes.
 
#59 ·
Automatics are as good as manual today. There is no reason to drive a manual. She could easily trade in her car for a newer model that has an automatic transmission. He seems willing to do what she tells him. All he wants is an automatic.



@NobodySpecial,

You know what? I was thinking. Yeah, I know that's not recommended. :D Anyway, what if this was a sixteen year old kid and he was talking about his mother? I think that's more likely, since he left and he posted as a boy, not a man. Also, it is summer, huh?
 
#60 ·
Automatics are as good as manual today ...
... For the casual driver in a family sedan who commutes to work in no challenging conditions, never tows anything substantial, doesn't need fine control over compression braking and doesn't mind gear hunting when climbing an 18% grade.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk
 
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