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I don’t think I am??? I enjoy the time we spend. We do have a lot in common. She checks the big boxes with no cohabitation and no marriage. She’s a good person at heart.
From what I saw, she was just a sounding board for this guy and his failing second marriage 3000 miles away. It was nothing more then that. I know how to check to the degree that I can.
You know her best. But I will say this...there was no reason she couldn't have kept you updated as to what was going on. No reason why she couldn't have even made you a part of it by asking for your opinions on his situation. No reason she couldn't have had you read over her shoulder, so to speak. I know I'm projecting, this is how I would have gone about it. No way would I risk damage to my relationship over an innocent exchange between two friends.

Maybe you two haven't made that solid of a commitment to each other, I don't know. Maybe you two even lead sort of separate lives with parts of your lives you keep private from each other. Once again, I don't know. But if that's not the case, if you two are committed to one another and expect transparency to keep trust intact then something is off with her.
 

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You know her best. But I will say this...there was no reason she couldn't have kept you updated as to what was going on. No reason why she couldn't have even made you a part of it by asking for your opinions on his situation. No reason she couldn't have had you read over her shoulder, so to speak. I know I'm projecting, this is how I would have gone about it. No way would I risk damage to my relationship over an innocent exchange between two friends.

Maybe you two haven't made that solid of a commitment to each other, I don't know. Maybe you two even lead sort of separate lives with parts of your lives you keep private from each other. Once again, I don't know. But if that's not the case, if you two are committed to one another and expect transparency to keep trust intact then something is off with her.
Thank you for your thoughts. I completely understand what you are saying. We are very committed to each other. Living separate lives, kids and households I think, in part, contribute to things like this. By no means am I excusing her behavior. I’m not. She flat out deceived me by saying she was done talking to that guy when, in fact, she wasn’t. That was what disturbed me so much. The lying, deception, etc. I know there was nothing inappropriate about the content of their conversations. That wasn’t my point. When she used the argument with me that he was “just a friend”and “harmless”, that’s when I did what I did. To show her that anyone can let their guard down in a moment of weakness and that’s all it takes to end a relationship.

She now realizes my hurt came from her lying about the situation more so than the fact they were talking to begin with. Maybe I’m hypersensitive about opposite sex friends, but this one one in particular was too eerily too similar to that of my ex wife and her AP and how that started.
 

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Thank you for your thoughts. I completely understand what you are saying. We are very committed to each other. Living separate lives, kids and households I think, in part, contribute to things like this. By no means am I excusing her behavior. I’m not. She flat out deceived me by saying she was done talking to that guy when, in fact, she wasn’t. That was what disturbed me so much. The lying, deception, etc. I know there was nothing inappropriate about the content of their conversations. That wasn’t my point. When she used the argument with me that he was “just a friend”and “harmless”, that’s when I did what I did. To show her that anyone can let their guard down in a moment of weakness and that’s all it takes to end a relationship.

She now realizes my hurt came from her lying about the situation more so than the fact they were talking to begin with. Maybe I’m hypersensitive about opposite sex friends, but this one one in particular was too eerily too similar to that of my ex wife and her AP and how that started.
In this situation, no. You're not hypersensitive. She lied and now she's opened pandora's box.
 

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Just now I realized she's the one who's been texting with someone (a man) and lying about it, right?
Oh what? Oh hell no!

Flirting with someone else in front of me is one thing, texting a man behind my back and LYING about it? That goes beyond disrespect, that's a breach of trust.

Nah that's my red line, don't give a **** if it's two years I'll never look at her the same way again. But hey, to each their own. People are so tolerant.
 

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Oh what? Oh hell no!

Flirting with someone else in front of me is one thing, texting a man behind my back and LYING about it? That goes beyond disrespect, that's a breach of trust.

Nah that's my red line, don't give a **** if it's two years I'll never look at her the same way again. But hey, to each their own. People are so tolerant.
There’s a lot to the story, but yes, she did lie about keeping in touch. It’s was about 2-3x per month from what I can see. It was all over fb messenger. It was nothing you wouldn’t say to a friend. But she did lose my trust.
 

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There’s a lot to the story, but yes, she did lie about keeping in touch. It’s was about 2-3x per month from what I can see. It was all over fb messenger. It was nothing you wouldn’t say to a friend. But she did lose my trust.
Its infidelity, what steps has she made to even correct that? Does she even acknowledge what she did as wrong?
 

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There’s a lot to the story, but yes, she did lie about keeping in touch. It’s was about 2-3x per month from what I can see. It was all over fb messenger. It was nothing you wouldn’t say to a friend. But she did lose my trust.
Yeah, it's a pretty bad thing to do to someone and a quick way to break someone's trust.
 

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Its infidelity, what steps has she made to even correct that? Does she even acknowledge what she did as wrong?
At first, she didn’t see the harm in it. So that’s why I hit on the waitress to show her how people being shady with other people of the opposite sex hurts. She’s never experienced infidelity and that’s not why her and her ex divorced. After filling in more details about how my ex got started as “just friends” with her ap, she seemed to understand. She has been very sorry and very transparent for the last week. She finally deleted him. I’ll keep an eye on it.
If I was a normal man, I wouldn’t have over reacted. However, after all, we are all in the site for a reason.
 

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If I was a normal man, I wouldn’t have over reacted. However, after all, we are all in the site for a reason.
Big mistakes I have made in my relationship/marriage stemmed from me wanting to be a “normal man”, or a “better man”.

Stiflingly my instincts, forcing myself to under react or swallow a concern has never solved anything and has led to destruction.

At least over reacting has a chance of sparking real dialog about an issue.
 

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Big mistakes I have made in my relationship/marriage stemmed from me wanting to be a “normal man”, or a “better man”.

Stiflingly my instincts, forcing myself to under react or swallow a concern has never solved anything and has led to destruction.

At least over reacting has a chance of sparking real dialog about an issue.
I totally agree. I’m on heightened alert based upon my past experiences.
 

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Guess who's starting therapy? That would be yours truly. 😉 Or trying to start therapy anyway. I guess therapists won't get involved in situations where legal action may be involved. I have a zoom meeting with the director of the clinic tonight so she can hear my situation first hand and decide if they'll accept me as a patient.

The situation is that two more incidents have occurred and I've had enough. It's been once a month since March.

Last weekend on Saturday evening I was on my way to a local casino and crossed paths with Tank on a two lane highway. First time I've seen him since the break up 9 months ago. He saw me and about broke his neck as he watched me pass. I even drove all country roads as I criss-crossed across the county before I got onto that highway. It was beautiful out and I wanted to get out and enjoy that drive with my top open. The chances of crossing paths with him were astronomical.

I had damage to my motion detector light inside my gate which leads to my front door the next morning. I never used that light in the past but I've used it ever since there was tampering with the lock on my front door in May. If it was him it probably caught him off guard and scared him off. That light will snap on right in your face and give you a heart attack. So he never made it around that corner to be seen.

The other incident was someone trying to log into my POF account. I met him on POF. He also went looking for me on POF when we broke up the first time.

I can't file a restraining order until the cameras capture him in action but I've got reports filed so the incidents are on record.

After discovering the damage to the light Sunday morning I reached the end of my rope. Time to talk to someone. I'm moving backwards in my process of moving on. It's getting harder and harder to keep him out of my thoughts.

On Sunday I also contacted the ex-gf he had right before me. She had a lot to say. He treated me better than he treated her, that was clear but she shared some things that I also saw with him. I talked to my sister about it too. She was around Tank for six months so she got to observe quite a bit. Both of them, separately, talked about him being controlling and jealous and both mentioned his intense emotional swings.

I've gotten to the point where I'm becoming paranoid. I'm afraid to talk out loud to my kids in my own home. I keep thinking he may have gotten in and put something in my home to listen in, if he got in the day my lock was damaged. I'm paranoid he put a tracker on my car. I'm paranoid he's stalking me on dating apps. I don't want to try to start a new relationship with anyone because I'm paranoid he's watching. And I'm tired of feeling like I'm the crazy one for even thinking all of this. I just don't feel like myself at all.

Cross your fingers for me that this director will accept my case and let me in to talk to someone so I can get all untwisted! I hate that I sound like this. I really need this.
 

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Guess who's starting therapy? That would be yours truly. 😉 Or trying to start therapy anyway. I guess therapists won't get involved in situations where legal action may be involved. I have a zoom meeting with the director of the clinic tonight so she can hear my situation first hand and decide if they'll accept me as a patient.

The situation is that two more incidents have occurred and I've had enough. It's been once a month since March.

Last weekend on Saturday evening I was on my way to a local casino and crossed paths with Tank on a two lane highway. First time I've seen him since the break up 9 months ago. He saw me and about broke his neck as he watched me pass. I even drove all country roads as I criss-crossed across the county before I got onto that highway. It was beautiful out and I wanted to get out and enjoy that drive with my top open. The chances of crossing paths with him were astronomical.

I had damage to my motion detector light inside my gate which leads to my front door the next morning. I never used that light in the past but I've used it ever since there was tampering with the lock on my front door in May. If it was him it probably caught him off guard and scared him off. That light will snap on right in your face and give you a heart attack. So he never made it around that corner to be seen.

The other incident was someone trying to log into my POF account. I met him on POF. He also went looking for me on POF when we broke up the first time.

I can't file a restraining order until the cameras capture him in action but I've got reports filed so the incidents are on record.

After discovering the damage to the light Sunday morning I reached the end of my rope. Time to talk to someone. I'm moving backwards in my process of moving on. It's getting harder and harder to keep him out of my thoughts.

On Sunday I also contacted the ex-gf he had right before me. She had a lot to say. He treated me better than he treated her, that was clear but she shared some things that I also saw with him. I talked to my sister about it too. She was around Tank for six months so she got to observe quite a bit. Both of them, separately, talked about him being controlling and jealous and both mentioned his intense emotional swings.

I've gotten to the point where I'm becoming paranoid. I'm afraid to talk out loud to my kids in my own home. I keep thinking he may have gotten in and put something in my home to listen in, if he got in the day my lock was damaged. I'm paranoid he put a tracker on my car. I'm paranoid he's stalking me on dating apps. I don't want to try to start a new relationship with anyone because I'm paranoid he's watching. And I'm tired of feeling like I'm the crazy one for even thinking all of this. I just don't feel like myself at all.

Cross your fingers for me that this director will accept my case and let me in to talk to someone so I can get all untwisted! I hate that I sound like this. I really need this.
Damn, didn't think it was this bad. Fingers crossed @Not
 

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@Not,

My thoughts, if you’re interested:

Read or listen to Gavin de Becker’s the “Gift of Fear”, and/or watch the videos here: The Gift of Fear Master Class

Get the support and professional help you need to feel better, but please please please do not let your guard down, and do not downplay or ignore or your fears and suspicions.

Gavin de Becker has insights about when restraining orders might help and when they might not. To be clear, iirc, often they provide a false sense of security. Also has some lessons learned about hesitation to involve law enforcement.

In that particular book, there is a chapter about former dating partners, iirc.

I am not an expert, and I don’t want to victimize you by encouraging you to fear things you don’t need to. But, last time I hesitated to say what I really thought, and so this time I’m not going to:


0) his behavior is very concerning; he needs to be stopped, in the smartest, safest, legal way
1) talk to the police, and seek their advice, assuming you live on a locale where you can find someone who cares; also, maybe you should reach out to a womens shelter that has experience protecting women from stalkers (not saying you should go into hiding! But, if you want expert knowledge, there is probably some there)
2) get wireless cameras installed with night vision (did you say earlier he and you bought some together — if so, forget those)
3) change your locks if you haven’t
4) contact POF, and ask if they have the IP address of the login attempt; from that, there are ways to find maybe the general area (say zip code size); you may want to ask if they can tell you if another uses same IP to login from, and tell them you are concerned about stalking
5) there are devices that can detect some surveillance devices; offhand I do not know how expensive, but will check and send you a link if you like, and police may be able to assist)
6) guard against being catfished by him on OLD
 

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Guess who's starting therapy? That would be yours truly. 😉 Or trying to start therapy anyway. I guess therapists won't get involved in situations where legal action may be involved. I have a zoom meeting with the director of the clinic tonight so she can hear my situation first hand and decide if they'll accept me as a patient.

The situation is that two more incidents have occurred and I've had enough. It's been once a month since March.

Last weekend on Saturday evening I was on my way to a local casino and crossed paths with Tank on a two lane highway. First time I've seen him since the break up 9 months ago. He saw me and about broke his neck as he watched me pass. I even drove all country roads as I criss-crossed across the county before I got onto that highway. It was beautiful out and I wanted to get out and enjoy that drive with my top open. The chances of crossing paths with him were astronomical.

I had damage to my motion detector light inside my gate which leads to my front door the next morning. I never used that light in the past but I've used it ever since there was tampering with the lock on my front door in May. If it was him it probably caught him off guard and scared him off. That light will snap on right in your face and give you a heart attack. So he never made it around that corner to be seen.

The other incident was someone trying to log into my POF account. I met him on POF. He also went looking for me on POF when we broke up the first time.

I can't file a restraining order until the cameras capture him in action but I've got reports filed so the incidents are on record.

After discovering the damage to the light Sunday morning I reached the end of my rope. Time to talk to someone. I'm moving backwards in my process of moving on. It's getting harder and harder to keep him out of my thoughts.

On Sunday I also contacted the ex-gf he had right before me. She had a lot to say. He treated me better than he treated her, that was clear but she shared some things that I also saw with him. I talked to my sister about it too. She was around Tank for six months so she got to observe quite a bit. Both of them, separately, talked about him being controlling and jealous and both mentioned his intense emotional swings.

I've gotten to the point where I'm becoming paranoid. I'm afraid to talk out loud to my kids in my own home. I keep thinking he may have gotten in and put something in my home to listen in, if he got in the day my lock was damaged. I'm paranoid he put a tracker on my car. I'm paranoid he's stalking me on dating apps. I don't want to try to start a new relationship with anyone because I'm paranoid he's watching. And I'm tired of feeling like I'm the crazy one for even thinking all of this. I just don't feel like myself at all.

Cross your fingers for me that this director will accept my case and let me in to talk to someone so I can get all untwisted! I hate that I sound like this. I really need this.
Is there a way to find out if your house and car have a bug? If you want peace of mind, find someone who can help you with this. If the guy has been stalking you, you definitely have reasons to be suspicious.
 
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