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I would say that a good man would see a woman still being married as a red flag. Wait until the divorce is final, that's what I'm doing
Most people I know dated or even cohabited while awaiting their divorce finalization. I wouldn't consider willingness to date someone in process of divorce a red flag. It's just a different point of view. Some believe once you're married, you're bound for life regardless with the court says. Some believe once you marry, you're bound until a judge signs off. Some believe once you marry, you're bound until the personal relationship is ended and there's no need to refrain while waiting on the paperwork to catch up with reality.
 

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Discussion Starter #22
You just don't know, and you can't know, without putting yourself at risk. Since there's no real up side to this relationship (aside from "practice") that is no reason to take chances. As @Marduk suggested, bail. Except that I'm suggesting going one step further and blocking. Is there a "nice" way to block someone? Don't know. But again, there is no reason to take chances.
I did it. I told him that I'm not interested and that I don't want to be in touch anymore. Thanks everyone here for your input.

I haven't blocked him. First, he did have a respectful response and it seems like he'll leave me alone. Secondly, I have been stalked in the past. The person would often call to project their actions: I'm in the area, etc. So it gave me time to be on guard. I always like having that warning. Not sure if everyone has the same experience.
 

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Discussion Starter #23
@wilson
try to solve relationship problems as if they were married, but it's a sign it's not going to work out if major problems happen while dating.
So true. So very true. Thank you.
@TBT
Thanks for the link!
@MJJEAN
People online reveal only what they want you to see. The next creep might be savvy enough to not speak of his creepy. There really is no substitute for knowing someone in real life before getting emotionally invested. I'm not saying don't online date, but maybe limit to a geographic area that would allow meeting in person early on and regularly after that if things go well.
I agree with that. For now, I'm not necessarily expecting to meet "the one." So I am okay with some distance and feeling it out. Just trying to learn about humans again after a long time with only one.

I will say, I think photos can be quite revealing. In my younger days, I met a guy and thought he was pretty cool. Then I saw his driver's license photo and gasped. He looked like a serial killer. It ended with a scary situation for me, but thank God I escaped unscathed.
 

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Discussion Starter #24
Here's the thing...

When talking through emails, the cell phone, et'cetera, we all experience that loss of words....situation.

That is when the hidden side of the personality shows through.

It may be innocent as in hobbies, some boring, some uncommon.

What excites the person bubbles out.

It may be those kinky thoughts that involuntarily pop out and unwind.
They wash up onto the 'bore', this during those talking, dry swells.
I really like the way you put this. I have found this to be true!
 

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Discussion Starter #25
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I would say that a good man would see a woman still being married as a red flag. Wait until the divorce is final, that's what I'm doing
I appreciate that, and I would also hesitate to seriously date someone who is separated. I am not looking for a committed relationship yet. Not only because the divorce isn't final, but also because I have work to do on myself. I think it will be at least 2 more years until I'm ready to be exclusive with someone.

I'm trying to re-enter the social world after a decade of being shut off. My husband isolated our family and me. We and our kids were cut off from healthy friendships and normal family relationships. He gaslit me, and I completely believed his version of reality. He also took advantage of me financially. So I'm not in a rush to get involved with someone, at all.

All this to say, I am looking to date in a casual way. No sex before marriage this time. I'm hoping to learn how to get to know someone fully, develop a deep friendship, read all the cues... Discover what I like and don't like in a partner, and what they like and don't like about me. And have some good clean fun in the process. I have been through heavy stuff in the past decade. I want to keep it light for a long while.

That being said, I was bummed to cut off contact with Kinky Aunt Guy. But I didn't commit myself to him in any way, so it hurts a lot less.

I also learned from this that, at this stage, I am going to refrain from texting. Not sure if anyone else feels this way, but I find that texts take a lot of my mental energy. I don't like the feeling of waiting for a text, the anticipation and excitement. I know that may be half the fun, but I find it to be draining.
 

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All this to say, I am looking to date in a casual way. No sex before marriage this time. I'm hoping to learn how to get to know someone fully, develop a deep friendship, read all the cues... Discover what I like and don't like in a partner, and what they like and don't like about me. And have some good clean fun in the process. I have been through heavy stuff in the past decade. I want to keep it light for a long while.
While I understand taking it slow, "no sex before marriage" seems like a good way to get into a rushed marriage. JMO
 

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Now I am feeling stressed, literally anxious in my body about this.
These types of feelings so early on are not good.

Are you willing to invest more time and energy in order to find out his relationship to the Aunt is even weirder than he lets on? Or maybe it's also possible that how he is describing his Aunt is overblown and he's just nervous to be talking to a cool chick (not as likely).

Trust your gut and the things you've recently learned.

Good luck.
 

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, I am going to refrain from texting.
Wise....it should only be used long enough to get a number.

Soooo much is lost in text communications. Phone is better, but still not great. Face to face is best, riskiest and most time consuming.
 

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Your story hits home to my situation. The difference being how you seem to blame your your "last decade" as being under control of someone else. It took me a while to realize that all relationships take two and that I can't victimize myself for what has happened in the past. This was very important for me to understand because moving forward I may end up in the same place again. My taking accountability of what I did in my relationship was a way to set me free so I didn't carry the same state of mind into any new relationship whether it was reconsidering working things out with my SO or moving on. For me I had to understand how my behaviors contributed to our problems. Until I could take responsibility for my actions I wasn't able to move forward. Just a thought. It takes two to make it and two to break it. You have to be "whole" again before you can move forward.
 

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All this to say, I am looking to date in a casual way. No sex before marriage this time. I'm hoping to learn how to get to know someone fully, develop a deep friendship, read all the cues... Discover what I like and don't like in a partner, and what they like and don't like about me. And have some good clean fun in the process. I have been through heavy stuff in the past decade. I want to keep it light for a long while.
While I understand taking it slow, "no sex before marriage" seems like a good way to get into a rushed marriage. JMO
I would say the opposite. No sex before marriage, if that is communicated upfront (and it should be) will likely equal very few dates. Not many adults who are dating are willing to wait until marriage. Perhaps the OP should stick to only religion based dating sites or meeting only people from church.
 

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He's yet another online freak who seems to have some kind of aunt fetish he gets off on.

I also have my doubts that he's REALLY separated and lives on his own. I mean, if he has his own place, why on earth is he not sharing custody of his kids or at the very least, having them at his place every other weekend? What's this happy horse**** with him "visiting" the kids at his supposed prior house, like he's their uncle or cousin or something?

People can be whoever they WANT to be on the internet, and sadly, you'll never learn that more than you will dealing with the freak parade that is online dating. Just being honest with you.

Lastly, surely your therapist has told you that when your gut is trying to tell you something, you need to LISTEN to it, right? Never ignore your gut - and it was speaking loud enough to you that you posted on this message board, so what's that telling you?
 

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visionary I'm 50, married 24 years, in the relationship for 25 .... re-entering the dating scene I know how it feels
 

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All this to say, I am looking to date in a casual way. No sex before marriage this time. I'm hoping to learn how to get to know someone fully, develop a deep friendship, read all the cues... Discover what I like and don't like in a partner, and what they like and don't like about me. And have some good clean fun in the process. I have been through heavy stuff in the past decade. I want to keep it light for a long while.
I was actually going to suggest dating casually after reading your replies to this point. Take your time. Have fun. Be social. I know you don't expect to find "the one" any time soon, but "the one" has a way of sneaking up on you in my experience. I was in a dark place, planned to veg in sweats with ice cream and cheesy horror films, a friend came and kidnapped me for my own sanity, we went to our favorite club, and there he was. My best friend found her "the one" playing online games. They talked a bit and realized they lived within a few miles of each other. Another friend met "the one" at a festival. So, expect the unexpected and be open to surprises.

Pre-marital sex is a personal decision, but I think sexual compatibility is very important in a long term romantic relationship. If you're thoroughly vetting potential future spouses, I'd think that sex would be part of that. Everyone has a sexual style, their own preferences and kinks, and level of frequency desired. Couples can discuss likes, dislikes, kinks, boundaries, fantasies, desired frequency, etc, but words are wind and actions are king. No way to know for sure you're sexually compatible without actually doing the deed and waiting out the limerence period to make sure it wasn't just NRE.
 

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Pre-marital sex is a personal decision,
I agree, but do want to add a couple of thoughts:

1. Despite advancement in rights for the LGBTQ community, there are still men around who are looking for a beard. You may think that he's a nice guy because he's not trying it on and really respects you, when in fact, he's relieved that you aren't hassling him for sex.

2. there are men who multi date. Yes, reserving intimacy for someone who is special is important; however, your time is important. A guy may be holding off on sex because he's dating someone who takes priority over you. Well, at least he's not using for sex. But he is using your for something else .......
 
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