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Single Guy Stuck in Affair with Married Woman

28K views 67 replies 37 participants last post by  firedog1 
#1 ·
Looking for some outside opinions on my situation. I am newly single in a very amicable split from my ex after being separated for almost 2 years ontop of an 18 year marriage. I dated several woman in the first year following the breakup, with the experience of ending some relationships by my choice and some not. My marriage never included infidelity on either side and I guess we are one of the few couples who actually grew apart and felt we wanted different lives.

I met Mary one year ago. An instant connection that I have never felt before with anyone including my wife. We spent the first night talking about our lives and fact she was going through a separation and still living with her husband. I did not see any red flags because I was in same situation due to parental and financial reasons for a time after my own separation. Her marriage was riddled with her husband's infidelity that included two long-term affairs. She explained she would never be able to get over the second one that she found out about 3 months before we met.

Within a week of meeting, we began to openly date and I thought all was ok and that she would be leaving soon. Her husband, although not happy, acknowledged that she was moving on. However, after three months her husband did a 180 degree turn and begged for her forgiveness. She claimed she was not emotionally ready to grieve her marriage, which is difficult to understand given she is a child therapist. Her husband began to make her life impossible demanding her whereabouts, cell phone bills, etc and that she end it. With threats ranging from harming himself to constantly telling her how guilty she should be for giving up on their children. We decided to proceed as an affair as at this point, which i know was mistake, but I was totally in love and as she claims to be. Now I must add, she has overcome the most traumatic of childhoods, the kind you might see in a lifetime movie. Her husband was the only man she has ever been with besides me and has controlled her her whole life and I believe breaking from that process might be a long-term proposition (if ever).

I am still in this situation and for some reason have been totally unable to walk away. Not looking for validation, but because this started as a true open loving relationship I don't believe it has to suffer same fate as "once a cheater always a cheater" or "starts as affair never ends well".
 
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Discussion starter · #17 ·
Everyone thanks for advice...zookeeper I think you are right about ultimatum....just a hard place to reach. Although all the pessimists seem to think that it will be all for naught.
 
Discussion starter · #22 ·
Well I didn't ask for any validation and certainly didn't get any...however there sure aren't any hopeless romantics in this forum. Yes maybe a bit of fantasyland, but something to be said for the 3%.
 
Discussion starter · #33 ·
Pit...I couldn't agree more. I can't figure out the lessons yet as well. Well beyond the obvious that 3 people do not a couple make. I guess in my original post i didn't go into how much I struggle as the OM. I do agree that my moral compass has been challenged. But I also believe love can conquer all sometimes. And no I have zero sympathy for the hubs as lack of attention and emotional abuse to her and children do not merit any.
 
Discussion starter · #56 ·
Kasler... I do know about this man. I have not taken her word for word and believe every single thing she has said. I have had contact with him, I have spoke to her brother and best friends at length and have a good picture of their entire marriage. And you can't make assumptions about her time, schedule or his tactics. Yes he is controlling to a degree that is unbelievable. Cabin_Fever...LOL....Zookeeper you seem to be one of the most level headed on this sight, saying the same things everyone els is but in a way that is relatable..3PUtt, as bitter as you seem to be are don't think you would ever be someone that should be saying anything!!! But overall this has been very helpful.
 
Discussion starter · #61 ·
Warlock, I have not posted this in any other section of this site but maybe I am in the wrong one idk?...EleGirl, Controlling examples...hmm...secretly put gps application on her phone, demanded that if she wanted to leave after getting caught in his 2nd LT affair (before she ever met me or did anything wrong) that she would have to move out and find place with children because he was not leaving, etc, etc. But I must say this site and this board has been helpful to a degree, the ultimatum is only alternative after Christmas and although I am sure she will not leave at this point, I also don't think her marriage will either nor should it.
 
Discussion starter · #67 ·
Abitlost...thanks one of the few with any sympathy but thats ok. To answer your question she does not have the strength in my opinion. Either way I know what I have to do...after Christmas its goodbye until she makes the decision. Hardest thing in world to do and gonna be tough not to fall back into old patterns.
 
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