I wouldn’t know but what I read in that is forgiveness for whatever transpired that led them to split. Which inevitably led to the coworker ‘helping’ him home to her place.
Lousy broad. 🤦🏼♀️
Since having a baby I have been thinking about my past regrets
I have spent the last few days writing this out. I apologize if it is too long. I wanted to make sure I included relevant information. My husband-35 and myself-28 have been together for 5.5 years. We have a beautiful 1 year old daughter. Since having her I have been having a lot of negative feelings about my past mistakes and myself and I have a lot of regrets. I was referred to TAM from a friend of mine.
I have had two affairs since being with my husband. The first was 5 months with a man at work. I stopped seeing him because i did not want to lose my then boyfriend and it did not seem worth it anymore. it clearly was not going to go anywhere. There was no romantic interest from us, it was just sex and I had no problem ending it. He meant nothing to me and he did not care about me romantically either. There was no bad blood and he helped me with my career and that ended up giving me an edge a couple of times. He has always been available if I need advice or anything. I did have guilt, I was always good at not thinking about it and shoving it back down and pretending like it did not happen. My husband and I had been together for 1 year at that point. The second time was with a male friend of mine. We had sex on and off for months. I cared more about him, we were friends. He was much more emotionally invested in me and there was a real fear that he would tell him at the time. He was under the impression that I might leave my boyfriend. This made the situation more delicate and was harder to stop. I didn’t have any interest in being with him. I never initiated these or pursued anyone. During this I never wanted my relationship with my husband to end or was unhappy with anything he had done. It was completely about me and not a reflection on him. The only real reason I did it is because I very much enjoy sex (more than the average person I think) and it was exciting. Another reason is that I don’t believe I was fully ready to commit back then. My husband never suspected anything. I cheated on 2 previous boyfriends and was abused when I was 12-15 and my therapist thinks this has impacted my adult relationships but it is hard to draw straight lines to these things. I don’t really know.
Having a child was such a change that I never could have prepared for. It has made me think a lot about my past mistakes and the kind of person and mother I want her to have. I don’t want her to have the same issues that I have had. I want her to have two loving parents who have a healthy marriage. Even with my issues we have always had a good marriage and relationship. We don’t fight much and have a lot of love for each other. I have never been treated better and he would do anything for me. He has always been there for me no matter what was going on and tried to bring out the best in me, while also not letting me walk all over him. It has only gotten better since having her. I don’t want her to do any of these things when she is older. It feels like I am just now coming to terms and accepting some of this. Only since then have I felt true regret and gut wrenching guilt.
If I come clean now I think it will be traumatizing for my daughter, raising the chances of her struggling mentally later on. I do not want to get divorced. I love my husband and what we have built for ourselves. My family adores him and are thrilled I ended up with him. I know I will never do it again and have not and I had opportunities if I wanted to. It has been years. I thought I could completely separate myself and what I was doing from my relationship. I did for a long time too. If no one knew about it, it wasn’t real to me. Another excuse I used was that this relationship will most likely not be forever. There is almost no risk that he would find out. I have been browsing a lot of infidelity resources to try to understand this world better. My therapist thinks it is a bad idea for me to tell my husband. He thinks I am only thinking of my feelings and not his. At some point during our relationship I got over whatever it was that made me cheat. Something changed. I do not know what to do with these feelings I have been having. I want to let it go but I do not know how. I think this is a genuine change in me and don’t want to screw up everyone’s life. I don’t want my daughter’s parents to split up over things that happened before we even considered having a child. I want her to have stability.
I don’t like to spend too much time self analyzing usually. I am afraid my feelings will only get worse and it will make all of our lives harder. I start thinking about it when I lay down to go to sleep and it gives me this stress adrenaline rush and makes it hard to fall asleep. My husband has been so great during the pregnancy and getting used to parent life that it kills me and I do not want to break his heart. He is so happy to be a father and it it so natural for him. We are both very happy and want more soon. If I did tell him I don’t think he would leave me. I just think it would cause massive damage to us and our daughter. I don’t know what it was about having a baby that caused these feelings to surface but they did. I am not naive or dumb enough to think that the next guy I end up with will be anywhere close to him. The longer we have been together the more in love we have become. I love him so much and I don’t want to be without him. It just seems like we have nothing to gain but everything to lose. Looking through TAM I expect some not so nice comments, but understand it was a long time ago and I have heaps of regret and guilt. What I am looking for is advice on dealing with these past indiscretions and specifically on whether or not I should tell my husband. If yes, advice on doing that would be helpful. I have not made any decisions yet and do not know what I will do. If it gets worse I fear I may have to, but it may pass.
I have had two affairs since being with my husband. The first was 5 months with a man at work. I stopped seeing him because i did not want to lose my then boyfriend and it did not seem worth it anymore. it clearly was not going to go anywhere. There was no romantic interest from us, it was just sex and I had no problem ending it. He meant nothing to me and he did not care about me romantically either. There was no bad blood and he helped me with my career and that ended up giving me an edge a couple of times. He has always been available if I need advice or anything. I did have guilt, I was always good at not thinking about it and shoving it back down and pretending like it did not happen. My husband and I had been together for 1 year at that point. The second time was with a male friend of mine. We had sex on and off for months. I cared more about him, we were friends. He was much more emotionally invested in me and there was a real fear that he would tell him at the time. He was under the impression that I might leave my boyfriend. This made the situation more delicate and was harder to stop. I didn’t have any interest in being with him. I never initiated these or pursued anyone. During this I never wanted my relationship with my husband to end or was unhappy with anything he had done. It was completely about me and not a reflection on him. The only real reason I did it is because I very much enjoy sex (more than the average person I think) and it was exciting. Another reason is that I don’t believe I was fully ready to commit back then. My husband never suspected anything. I cheated on 2 previous boyfriends and was abused when I was 12-15 and my therapist thinks this has impacted my adult relationships but it is hard to draw straight lines to these things. I don’t really know.
Having a child was such a change that I never could have prepared for. It has made me think a lot about my past mistakes and the kind of person and mother I want her to have. I don’t want her to have the same issues that I have had. I want her to have two loving parents who have a healthy marriage. Even with my issues we have always had a good marriage and relationship. We don’t fight much and have a lot of love for each other. I have never been treated better and he would do anything for me. He has always been there for me no matter what was going on and tried to bring out the best in me, while also not letting me walk all over him. It has only gotten better since having her. I don’t want her to do any of these things when she is older. It feels like I am just now coming to terms and accepting some of this. Only since then have I felt true regret and gut wrenching guilt.
If I come clean now I think it will be traumatizing for my daughter, raising the chances of her struggling mentally later on. I do not want to get divorced. I love my husband and what we have built for ourselves. My family adores him and are thrilled I ended up with him. I know I will never do it again and have not and I had opportunities if I wanted to. It has been years. I thought I could completely separate myself and what I was doing from my relationship. I did for a long time too. If no one knew about it, it wasn’t real to me. Another excuse I used was that this relationship will most likely not be forever. There is almost no risk that he would find out. I have been browsing a lot of infidelity resources to try to understand this world better. My therapist thinks it is a bad idea for me to tell my husband. He thinks I am only thinking of my feelings and not his. At some point during our relationship I got over whatever it was that made me cheat. Something changed. I do not know what to do with these feelings I have been having. I want to let it go but I do not know how. I think this is a genuine change in me and don’t want to screw up everyone’s life. I don’t want my daughter’s parents to split up over things that happened before we even considered having a child. I want her to have stability.
I don’t like to spend too much time self analyzing usually. I am afraid my feelings will only get worse and it will make all of our lives harder. I start thinking about it when I lay down to go to sleep and it gives me this stress adrenaline rush and makes it hard to fall asleep. My husband has been so great during the pregnancy and getting used to parent life that it kills me and I do not want to break his heart. He is so happy to be a father and it it so natural for him. We are both very happy and want more soon. If I did tell him I don’t think he would leave me. I just think it would cause massive damage to us and our daughter. I don’t know what it was about having a baby that caused these feelings to surface but they did. I am not naive or dumb enough to think that the next guy I end up with will be anywhere close to him. The longer we have been together the more in love we have become. I love him so much and I don’t want to be without him. It just seems like we have nothing to gain but everything to lose. Looking through TAM I expect some not so nice comments, but understand it was a long time ago and I have heaps of regret and guilt. What I am looking for is advice on dealing with these past indiscretions and specifically on whether or not I should tell my husband. If yes, advice on doing that would be helpful. I have not made any decisions yet and do not know what I will do. If it gets worse I fear I may have to, but it may pass.
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Lousy broad. 🤦🏼♀️
I didn't acknowledge at the time that I had been.Hold on...forgive you for what? You were raped. I'm confused...
I actually didn't start recognizing what happened until a couple of years ago.
Looking back now, I can see getting smashed around people I couldn't trust was my bad decision but I didn't choose what happened later.
If you are intending to disclose your infidelity, the only piece of advice I can give is to not withhold any information. Do not give him a reason to believe that you are not telling him everything.I honestly do not know what was wrong with me. It seems like night and day from what I was doing and who I am now and who I want to be. I don’t know how you possibly begin to tell someone you love about these things. If anyone has disclosure advice that would be great.
He's going to believe that you are withholding information, so that's why it is important to not withhold anything.
Let him guide you as to what he wants to know, but do not fail to answer any questions asked.
In fairness, things were not necessarily viewed in an egalitarian lens like they are today. I would wager that 30 years ago this would not have been viewed as such when the male is the victim, and probably significantly less even for females.Hold on...forgive you for what? You were raped. I'm confused...
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Then you dig deeper to determine what really motivated you to cheat on a good, decent man. Sure, it was exciting and novel, but there's something more to it than that. I'd suggest you reflect on why you felt the need to do this, regardless of what you currently attribute it to. We all have defects of character. You need to determine what defect caused this.I honestly do not know what was wrong with me.
Do I think you should tell your husband? Yes, if you two were supposed to be exclusive while dating. It sounds like he believed that was the case. You didn't have as much invested in the relationship, since you were banging two other guys. Time to determine the REAL cause of this in order to take full responsibility.
If and when you tell your husband 2 things:
1. Tell him everything. Leave nothing out, especially if he wanted to know the intimate details(some do). Absolutely do not avoid answering him completely!
2. Give him as complete of a written time line over the situation while dating him and relations with other men, before you married.
After that its up to him to decide. We must all live the consequences of our actions, whether it s drinking and driving to forgetting to take the garbage out. If you ever expect him to trust you again, YOU must be completely honest at all times.
The longer you wait, the deeper the whole gets.
This kind of situation very recently played out for a man who was married over 30 years, that finds out his now wife was having sex with another man while they were dating and thought they were exclusive. Hasn't been a great thing to find out.
1. Tell him everything. Leave nothing out, especially if he wanted to know the intimate details(some do). Absolutely do not avoid answering him completely!
2. Give him as complete of a written time line over the situation while dating him and relations with other men, before you married.
After that its up to him to decide. We must all live the consequences of our actions, whether it s drinking and driving to forgetting to take the garbage out. If you ever expect him to trust you again, YOU must be completely honest at all times.
The longer you wait, the deeper the whole gets.
This kind of situation very recently played out for a man who was married over 30 years, that finds out his now wife was having sex with another man while they were dating and thought they were exclusive. Hasn't been a great thing to find out.
There is no easy way. Once the child is in bed one evening then just do it..I honestly do not know what was wrong with me. It seems like night and day from what I was doing and who I am now and who I want to be. I don’t know how you possibly begin to tell someone you love about these things. If anyone has disclosure advice that would be great.
Child Sex Abuse (or CSA) is a well known precursor to cheating as an adult.
I would suggest counselling as a couple and work with a therapist to construct a controlled, safe way you can confess to your husband.
I would suggest counselling as a couple and work with a therapist to construct a controlled, safe way you can confess to your husband.
I have talked about it extensively with my therapist. It sounds like maybe he is not the best therapist. My husbands knows most of it, no one wants to talk about or hear those details. He is really the only one who knows.I'm not too keen on what your therapist is saying either. Have you really worked on your abuse history, and does your husband know about that?
If you decide to tell your husband, keep it short. A few sentences, not a long history. Emphasise how sorry you are. Then, be prepared for it to keep coming up. He may (or may not) want to keep having conversations about it. Don't ever say anything like "we already dealt with this, we need to move on." Be patient. Obviously, you can expect him to be angry and/or depressed.
You may need to answer a lot of questions, over many conversations. Prepare for those questions. A few of the obvious ones are
- did you love him?
- was the sex good?
- is there any chance our baby isn't really mine? Are you willing to do a DNA test?
- why did you do it?
- how often did you have sex? Where?
- did anyone else know? Did anyone help you cover it up?
You can think of more
This is key - WHY did you cheat? Have you worked on THAT with your therapist.At some point during our relationship I got over whatever it was that made me cheat.
If you DO decide to come clean with your H, you KNOW he is going to want to know WHY, WHY did you do that?
YOU need to understand WHY so that you can guard against it EVER happening again and make sure your H KNOWS that you know how to guard against it. If not, he will never feel safe with you.
Would your husband want to know? DOES he know? Can you know what his views are? If he doesn't already and he'd rather not know (or not know given that it's all over and won't happen again), say nothing. If he would want to know, then it's a far harder path ahead for you and him if you disclose. Honesty is usually the best policy, as they say, but sometimes silence is better for everyone. I wouldn't want to know, IF it's in the past and there is nothing else to it. As long as your child is his, too, that's the main thing. If not, then he deserves to know that and decide what he wants.
What is the difference between an excuse and a reason? It seems as though listing anything other than wanting to and being a bad person is seen as an excuse. I had my reasons, thoughts at the time, and have talked about it with my therapist a lot. I believe I know why but would sound horrible to my husband and out loud.This is key - WHY did you cheat? Have you worked on THAT with your therapist.
If you DO decide to come clean with your H, you KNOW he is going to want to know WHY, WHY did you do that?
YOU need to understand WHY so that you can guard against it EVER happening again and make sure your H KNOWS that you know how to guard against it. If not, he will never feel safe with you.
I don’t think I would want to know either if it was really in the past and wasn’t going to happen again. He hates any form of cheating. The baby is his no question.Would your husband want to know? DOES he know? Can you know what his views are? If he doesn't already and he'd rather not know (or not know given that it's all over and won't happen again), say nothing. If he would want to know, then it's a far harder path ahead for you and him if you disclose. Honesty is usually the best policy, as they say, but sometimes silence is better for everyone. I wouldn't want to know, IF it's in the past and there is nothing else to it. As long as your child is his, too, that's the main thing. If not, then he deserves to know that and decide what he wants.
In this case, it is obviously really messing with her. She isn't wired to keep this a secret.Would your husband want to know? DOES he know? Can you know what his views are? If he doesn't already and he'd rather not know (or not know given that it's all over and won't happen again), say nothing. If he would want to know, then it's a far harder path ahead for you and him if you disclose. Honesty is usually the best policy, as they say, but sometimes silence is better for everyone. I wouldn't want to know, IF it's in the past and there is nothing else to it. As long as your child is his, too, that's the main thing. If not, then he deserves to know that and decide what he wants.
She needs to get out from underneath it.
It looks like it's part of her recovery and becoming a healthy version of herself.
I do believe a spouse should be informed regardless but lw4 has a need to get this straightened out.
I will say, there were aspects of me that were not in evidence until I knew a baby was on the way and I was responsible.
The world changed when I saw my son for the first time.
The man I am today was born as well.
The world changed when I saw my son for the first time.
The man I am today was born as well.
Yes. When I had my daughter or was pregnant even it changed me fundamentally. I couldn’t be selfish anymore because I had this tiny little helpless human depending on me for survival and everything else. My priorities and what I cared about completely changed. It made me wish I had gotten pregnant years ago it changed me and my world so much. It also made my past cut deeper and made me want to be a better person.I will say, there were aspects of me that were not in evidence until I knew a baby was on the way and I was responsible.
The world changed when I saw my son for the first time.
The man I am today was born as well.
I’ll go against the grain here.
From what I read, your indiscretions were before you were married. Doesn’t make it good, but there wasn’t a “ring on it” yet.
Now, you’re married and you have a kid. I will assume that:
You love your husband
This child prompted a perspective you hadn’t thought of before.
You have a drive to patch up your voids and be the best mom and wife you can be.
My opinion? If the above is true? Take it to the grave. Work on yourself, put the past in the past, and never let it steal more than it already has. You have been going through a learning experience, a transition of reality, all while your husband has been, consequently, along for the ride. But he loves you. And you love him. Begin today. Focus on each other.
If you will honestly move into the future with continued commitment to your marriage and a quest to raise a healthy family, get on it. It’s worth whatever you have to do to achieve it. Leave no stone unturned to figure out what made you fall so easily and give yourself away. Recognize it so that, when it comes around again, you won’t be fooled this time. You are allowed to heal and you are allowed to be happy. Shame will keep you guilty, but shame does not come a place with your best interests at heart. Shames comes from darkness and would love to see you fail.
Don’t fail.
Overcome.
You need not live in shame if you truly turn from the bondage of lies and shame.
All this said, if it will eat you alive to never reveal things, get it out now. Maybe you can’t live with the secret. Maybe you can’t burn it. Only you will know.
53 Then they all went home, 8 1 but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.
2 At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. 3 The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4 and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5 In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” 6 They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10 Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
11 “No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”
~John 7:53-8:11
From what I read, your indiscretions were before you were married. Doesn’t make it good, but there wasn’t a “ring on it” yet.
Now, you’re married and you have a kid. I will assume that:
You love your husband
This child prompted a perspective you hadn’t thought of before.
You have a drive to patch up your voids and be the best mom and wife you can be.
My opinion? If the above is true? Take it to the grave. Work on yourself, put the past in the past, and never let it steal more than it already has. You have been going through a learning experience, a transition of reality, all while your husband has been, consequently, along for the ride. But he loves you. And you love him. Begin today. Focus on each other.
If you will honestly move into the future with continued commitment to your marriage and a quest to raise a healthy family, get on it. It’s worth whatever you have to do to achieve it. Leave no stone unturned to figure out what made you fall so easily and give yourself away. Recognize it so that, when it comes around again, you won’t be fooled this time. You are allowed to heal and you are allowed to be happy. Shame will keep you guilty, but shame does not come a place with your best interests at heart. Shames comes from darkness and would love to see you fail.
Don’t fail.
Overcome.
You need not live in shame if you truly turn from the bondage of lies and shame.
All this said, if it will eat you alive to never reveal things, get it out now. Maybe you can’t live with the secret. Maybe you can’t burn it. Only you will know.
53 Then they all went home, 8 1 but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.
2 At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. 3 The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4 and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5 In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” 6 They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10 Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
11 “No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”
~John 7:53-8:11
And the longer the deception is held, the more betrayed he will feel.In this case, it is obviously really messing with her. She isn't wired to keep this a secret.
She needs to get out from underneath it.
It looks like it's part of her recovery and becoming a healthy version of herself.
I do believe a spouse should be informed regardless but lw4 has a need to get this straightened out.
If that is the route she takes, then she needs to be the little loving trooper if in the future he cheats. Just keep saying, it's ok hubby, I love you.My opinion? If the above is true? Take it to the grave. Work on yourself, put the past in the past, and never let it steal more than it already has.
If you don't give another their agency, you are not entitled to be upset if it happens to you.
Do you still work with you 1st AP?Yes. When I had my daughter or was pregnant even it changed me fundamentally. I couldn’t be selfish anymore because I had this tiny little helpless human depending on me for survival and everything else. My priorities and what I cared about completely changed. It made me wish I had gotten pregnant years ago it changed me and my world so much. It also made my past cut deeper and made me want to be a better person.
Are you still friends or have contact with 2nd AP? FB friends?
If either, you are still betraying hubby by that.
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