[lw4]

I have spent the last few days writing this out. I apologize if it is too long. I wanted to make sure I included relevant information. My husband-35 and myself-28 have been together for 5.5 years. We have a beautiful 1 year old daughter. Since having her I have been having a lot of negative feelings about my past mistakes and myself and I have a lot of regrets. I was referred to TAM from a friend of mine.

I have had two affairs since being with my husband. The first was 5 months with a man at work. I stopped seeing him because i did not want to lose my then boyfriend and it did not seem worth it anymore. it clearly was not going to go anywhere. There was no romantic interest from us, it was just sex and I had no problem ending it. He meant nothing to me and he did not care about me romantically either. There was no bad blood and he helped me with my career and that ended up giving me an edge a couple of times. He has always been available if I need advice or anything. I did have guilt, I was always good at not thinking about it and shoving it back down and pretending like it did not happen. My husband and I had been together for 1 year at that point. The second time was with a male friend of mine. We had sex on and off for months. I cared more about him, we were friends. He was much more emotionally invested in me and there was a real fear that he would tell him at the time. He was under the impression that I might leave my boyfriend. This made the situation more delicate and was harder to stop. I didn’t have any interest in being with him. I never initiated these or pursued anyone. During this I never wanted my relationship with my husband to end or was unhappy with anything he had done. It was completely about me and not a reflection on him. The only real reason I did it is because I very much enjoy sex (more than the average person I think) and it was exciting. Another reason is that I don’t believe I was fully ready to commit back then. My husband never suspected anything. I cheated on 2 previous boyfriends and was abused when I was 12-15 and my therapist thinks this has impacted my adult relationships but it is hard to draw straight lines to these things. I don’t really know.

Having a child was such a change that I never could have prepared for. It has made me think a lot about my past mistakes and the kind of person and mother I want her to have. I don’t want her to have the same issues that I have had. I want her to have two loving parents who have a healthy marriage. Even with my issues we have always had a good marriage and relationship. We don’t fight much and have a lot of love for each other. I have never been treated better and he would do anything for me. He has always been there for me no matter what was going on and tried to bring out the best in me, while also not letting me walk all over him. It has only gotten better since having her. I don’t want her to do any of these things when she is older. It feels like I am just now coming to terms and accepting some of this. Only since then have I felt true regret and gut wrenching guilt.

If I come clean now I think it will be traumatizing for my daughter, raising the chances of her struggling mentally later on. I do not want to get divorced. I love my husband and what we have built for ourselves. My family adores him and are thrilled I ended up with him. I know I will never do it again and have not and I had opportunities if I wanted to. It has been years. I thought I could completely separate myself and what I was doing from my relationship. I did for a long time too. If no one knew about it, it wasn’t real to me. Another excuse I used was that this relationship will most likely not be forever. There is almost no risk that he would find out. I have been browsing a lot of infidelity resources to try to understand this world better. My therapist thinks it is a bad idea for me to tell my husband. He thinks I am only thinking of my feelings and not his. At some point during our relationship I got over whatever it was that made me cheat. Something changed. I do not know what to do with these feelings I have been having. I want to let it go but I do not know how. I think this is a genuine change in me and don’t want to screw up everyone’s life. I don’t want my daughter’s parents to split up over things that happened before we even considered having a child. I want her to have stability.

I don’t like to spend too much time self analyzing usually. I am afraid my feelings will only get worse and it will make all of our lives harder. I start thinking about it when I lay down to go to sleep and it gives me this stress adrenaline rush and makes it hard to fall asleep. My husband has been so great during the pregnancy and getting used to parent life that it kills me and I do not want to break his heart. He is so happy to be a father and it it so natural for him. We are both very happy and want more soon. If I did tell him I don’t think he would leave me. I just think it would cause massive damage to us and our daughter. I don’t know what it was about having a baby that caused these feelings to surface but they did. I am not naive or dumb enough to think that the next guy I end up with will be anywhere close to him. The longer we have been together the more in love we have become. I love him so much and I don’t want to be without him. It just seems like we have nothing to gain but everything to lose. Looking through TAM I expect some not so nice comments, but understand it was a long time ago and I have heaps of regret and guilt. What I am looking for is advice on dealing with these past indiscretions and specifically on whether or not I should tell my husband. If yes, advice on doing that would be helpful. I have not made any decisions yet and do not know what I will do. If it gets worse I fear I may have to, but it may pass.

 

[bygone]

As a mother who lies, cheats, and hides, it's hard to think about giving her daughter a good life.

To make sense, you must tell your words the truth to your husband.

change your therapist

He doesn't want to fix it, he wants to cover it up, I believe he will recommend it in your favor even if you cheat in the future, he is not a good therapist.

 

[Andy1001]

One thing strikes me about your statement. You say that your husband doesn’t let you walk over him but that’s exactly what you have being doing. You cheated on him for about a year and he doesn’t know so he’s under the impression that he has a loving and faithful wife. If that’s not walking over him then I don’t know what is.
What he has is a wife who will quite likely cheat on him again when she gets the chance and your statement that you’ve had plenty of opportunities seems to be saying that you think you deserve congratulations for being faithful to him recently.
I’m not sure if you will hang around here for long but you need to understand that your entire marriage is based on a lie.

 

[Diana7]

I could never have kept such betrayals from the man I was with. I can't understand how you can hide such a massive secret. You should have told him before he married you, you married him under false pretenses.

I think you are using your child as an excuse not to come clean. You should tell him and throw yourself on his mercy.
Your therapist sounds useless. Honesty is always best. He may find out later, it will be far better if you tell him.

 

[Megaforce]

Your husband deserves the right to make an informed decision. He may wish to remain or h ed may wish to leave. But, clearly, he deserves to decide with full information.

 

[Julie's Husband]

If you were not settling down, I'd tell the hubby so he can move on to someone who appreciates him and is fully invested.

If you are going to be serious about the relationship with your husband and honestly be fully focused on him, I would not want you to 'fess up if I were in his place. For me, all trust would be lost and I would not be able to continue in the marriage. I'd rather just be able to be happy with my version of reality.

 

[ConanHub]

I'll tell you a story @lw4 .

I have some insight into what you are going through.

Be back in a few to explain.

 

[Diana7]

If you were not settling down, I'd tell the hubby so he can move on to someone who appreciates him and is fully invested.

If you are going to be serious about the relationship with your husband and honestly be fully focused on him, I would not want you to 'fess up if I were in his place. For me, all trust would be lost and I would not be able to continue in the marriage. I'd rather just be able to be happy with my version of reality.

I would far rather know.

 

[TinyTbone]

Truly you are in the proverbial "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. Almost all here will tell you to come clean period. It will hurt your husband deeply and possibly end the marriage. Only you know him and his tolerance for things.
If you don't and decide to take it to the grave, there is always the chance he may find out somehow. As the saying goes "there is bliss in ignorance", thats where I think your therapist is going with the comment about not telling.
Based off so many real stories told here and other forums, its rare that someone who cheats, doesn't do it again. You even stated you'd cheated on other boyfriends before. So what has really changed? You cheated on your then boyfriend that you married. You try to reason that you enjoyed sex more than most. Why didn't you sex him up more, wear him out? Why was it necessary to take the bed of other men? There IS something inside you that compels you to go to others for satisfaction and its not the sex. This is only a coping mechanism for a deeper need in you. This im sure harkens back to your youth where you had been abused. You absolutely need to address this issue and find the root cause, or you will cheat on your husband. Its only a matter of time.

 

[ConanHub]

Ok. Your therapist is stupid. He or she has no comprehension about elements that make for a solid marriage to grow.

I am glad that you got professional help though as it shows you have what it takes to work through your issues.

So you are experiencing a healthy emotional response to having done something awful.

You are definitely not wired to keep this from your husband and that speaks well of you.

Another thing you are experiencing is a wedge, or shadow in your intimacy with your husband which is being caused by the secret you are keeping.

This affected me too.

When Mrs. Conan and I were not married yet but living together, we had a lot of turmoil between us.

We kept having terrible fights until one day, we decided to break it off. We loved each other and were very passionate with each other but didn't know how to work through conflicts very well.

I was heartbroken and went out and got absolutely smashed at a casino where I worked.

A coworker sat next to me and kept me company.

When I was so drunk I almost couldn't see and definitely couldn't walk without help, she offered me a ride home.

I accepted but she didn't take me to my home.
She took me to her place and what followed would be considered rape if the genders were reversed.

Regardless, when I sobered up, I felt pretty bad about what happened and walked home about 4 in the morning. I watched Mrs. C sleeping and chose to make some changes because it hurt too much to be away from her.

I felt as cold as death inside and guilty too even though we were broken up and I didn't give consent to what happened.

I determined to make it right and work it out with my then girlfriend.

We obviously started doing better and it's been over 31 years since our first date and 27 since becoming official.

About a dozen years after the incident, my Mrs and I were working on getting closer and becoming better communicators within our marriage.

I started feeling the guilt over that night more acutely than ever and I couldn't stand the distance I felt between my wife and I over the secret.

I had to talk with her about it and so I sat her down and told her what happened, that I couldn't stand the separation the secret was causing between us (on my part obviously) and I truly loved her and would understand if she wanted a divorce.

I also promised I would ask her to marry me again if she did divorce.

We were both crying, me probably moreso, and she chose to forgive me. It hurt her but it was much better for both of us to get out from underneath it.

Your situation is worse of course but the concept is the same.

You have owned what you did personally and taken steps to stop and you have.

You need to own it with your husband now as well.

It will hurt you both a lot and there is no guarantee that you will stay married but you can't go on as you have.

It's better to have an honest foundation than one built on lies.

Best wishes.

 

[Lady2019]

Switch therapists, a therapist should encourage you to dig deep and heal even when it is hard AF not continue to be deceitful to not only your spouse but yourself.

Come clean. You do not want that secret casting a dark cloud over your relationship for the next 30 years, your friend deserves not to carry that burden, neither do you.

Some people like alcohol or substance more than the average person too, the thrill of sex can become an unhealthy coping mechanism too.

Find a good therapist and work on forgiving your past self, healing your inner child (trauma) part of this should be coming clean to your spouse.

Maybe the damage will be repairable, maybe it wont be but I cannot see how a person could forgive ones self & move forward without a confession.

 

[lw4]

I believe my therapist is looking at what is to my benefit and detriment only. He thinks disclosure would be bad for me and he isn’t wrong. If this many people are saying that about my therapist I will look into another one and getting a second opinion.

Truly you are in the proverbial "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. Almost all here will tell you to come clean period. It will hurt your husband deeply and possibly end the marriage. Only you know him and his tolerance for things.
If you don't and decide to take it to the grave, there is always the chance he may find out somehow. As the saying goes "there is bliss in ignorance", thats where I think your therapist is going with the comment about not telling.
Based off so many real stories told here and other forums, its rare that someone who cheats, doesn't do it again. You even stated you'd cheated on other boyfriends before. So what has really changed? You cheated on your then boyfriend that you married. You try to reason that you enjoyed sex more than most. Why didn't you sex him up more, wear him out? Why was it necessary to take the bed of other men? There IS something inside you that compels you to go to others for satisfaction and its not the sex. This is only a coping mechanism for a deeper need in you. This im sure harkens back to your youth where you had been abused. You absolutely need to address this issue and find the root cause, or you will cheat on your husband. Its only a matter of time.

I had an unhealthy relationship with men and sex. After the last fling I was self aware enough to realize I had a great relationship with a great guy and I did not want to lose him. I got into therapy and I have taken steps to prevent myself from being in similar situations. We have worked on the root issues and I have much healthier boundaries now. Having our baby and getting married has strengthened those boundaries and my want to not ruin my marriage.

 

[lw4]

Ok. Your therapist is stupid. He or she has no comprehension about elements that make for a solid marriage to grow.

I am glad that you got professional help though as it shows you have what it takes to work through your issues.

So you are experiencing a healthy emotional response to having done something awful.

You are definitely not wired to keep this from your husband and that speaks well of you.

Another thing you are experiencing is a wedge, or shadow in your intimacy with your husband which is being caused by the secret you are keeping.

This affected me too.

When Mrs. Conan and I were not married yet but living together, we had a lot of turmoil between us.

We kept having terrible fights until one day, we decided to break it off. We loved each other and were very passionate with each other but didn't know how to work through conflicts very well.

I was heartbroken and went out and got absolutely smashed at a casino where I worked.

A coworker sat next to me and kept me company.

When I was so drunk I almost couldn't see and definitely couldn't walk without help, she offered me a ride home.

I accepted but she didn't take me to my home.
She took me to her place and what followed would be considered rape if the genders were reversed.

Regardless, when I sobered up, I felt pretty bad about what happened and walked home about 4 in the morning. I watched Mrs. C sleeping and chose to make some changes because it hurt too much to be away from her.

I felt as cold as death inside and guilty too even though we were broken up and I didn't give consent to what happened.

I determined to make it right and work it out with my then girlfriend.

We obviously started doing better and it's been over 31 years since our first date and 27 since becoming official.

About a dozen years after the incident, my Mrs and I were working on getting closer and becoming better communicators within our marriage.

I started feeling the guilt over that night more acutely than ever and I couldn't stand the distance I felt between my wife and I over the secret.

I had to talk with her about it and so I sat her down and told her what happened, that I couldn't stand the separation the secret was causing between us (on my part obviously) and I truly loved her and would understand if she wanted a divorce.

I also promised I would ask her to marry me again if she did divorce.

We were both crying, me probably moreso, and she chose to forgive me. It hurt her but it was much better for both of us to get out from underneath it.

Your situation is worse of course but the concept is the same.

You have owned what you did personally and taken steps to stop and you have.

You need to own it with your husband now as well.

It will hurt you both a lot and there is no guarantee that you will stay married but you can't go on as you have.

It's better to have an honest foundation than one built on lies.

Best wishes.

That was very thoughtful and helpful. Thank you.

 

[lw4]

One thing strikes me about your statement. You say that your husband doesn’t let you walk over him but that’s exactly what you have being doing. You cheated on him for about a year and he doesn’t know so he’s under the impression that he has a loving and faithful wife. If that’s not walking over him then I don’t know what is.
What he has is a wife who will quite likely cheat on him again when she gets the chance and your statement that you’ve had plenty of opportunities seems to be saying that you think you deserve congratulations for being faithful to him recently.
I’m not sure if you will hang around here for long but you need to understand that your entire marriage is based on a lie.

I don’t need a congratulations, it was to highlight that I made positive changes and did not cheat when I could have. I am never going to cheat on him again. I added that he doesn’t let me walk all over him to say that we have a good relationship and I had dated guys previously who were like that so there is a contrast.

 

[Diana7]

I believe my therapist is looking at what is to my benefit and detriment only. He thinks disclosure would be bad for me and he isn’t wrong. If this many people are saying that about my therapist I will look into another one and getting a second opinion.

I had an unhealthy relationship with men and sex. After the last fling I was self aware enough to realize I had a great relationship with a great guy and I did not want to lose him. I got into therapy and I have taken steps to prevent myself from being in similar situations. We have worked on the root issues and I have much healthier boundaries now. Having our baby and getting married has strengthened those boundaries and my want to not ruin my marriage.

The thing is that you had 2 affairs and haven't been honest with him. When we cheat there are always consequences. One of them is that we need to tell the one we cheated on and risk loosing them. The lying and deception is just as bad. If you truly love him how could you let him be so deceived? How could you keep such a betrayal secret?
He deserves to know everything.
The cowards way is to hide it. The brave way is to be honest and take the consequences.

If he finds out later (which he may well do), he will feel betrayed in two ways, the cheating and the lying and deception. He is far less likely to stay if that happens.

You don't need another opinion from a therapist, you need to do the right and decent thing. You know what it is.

 

[lw4]

The thing is that you had 2 affairs and haven't been honest with him. When we cheat there are always consequences. One of them is that we need to tell the one we cheated on and risk loosing them. The lying and deception is just as bad. If you truly love him how could you let him be so deceived? How could you keep such a betrayal secret?
He deserves to know everything.
The cowards way is to hide it. The brave way is to be honest and take the consequences.

If he finds out later (which he may well do), he will feel betrayed in two ways, the cheating and the lying and deception. He is far less likely to stay if that happens.

You don't need another opinion from a therapist, you need to do the right and decent thing. You know what it is.

I honestly do not know what was wrong with me. It seems like night and day from what I was doing and who I am now and who I want to be. I don’t know how you possibly begin to tell someone you love about these things. If anyone has disclosure advice that would be great.

 

[GoldenR]

You say you love your husband...

Would someone who loves their husband cheat on him? Twice?

Would someone who loves their husband marry him without him knowing the full truth of their relationship?

Would someone who loves their husband decide that sex with others was worth possibly losing their husband?

Would someone who loves their husband deny him his agency in deciding if he wants to be married to a cheater?

Would someone who loves their husband baby trap him without him knowing she chose to have sex with others while in the relationship with him?

You don't love your husband.

But it's clear that you love yourself very much and that your own happiness is all that matters to you.

Actions > words

 

[Bullfrog1987]

That was very thoughtful and helpful. Thank you.

If you take nothing else, this is the comment to reflect on. I too had an affair 3 years into my marriage. I however was caught, I owned it all, right then and there. Now my circumstances were certainly different than yours but the guilt was the same. And the guilt also reigned over me for years. It still might Creep in now and again actually it I’m honest.

But you should most certainly disclose this to your husband out of respect and love if you have both those things in your heart for him. Explain how sorry you are, don’t blame it all in your past, take the accountability and be sure to explain it was never him.

Hope for the best, the odds aren’t great but there are men out there willing to fight when there is true change and account ability taking place, although that’s also up to him whether or not to be believe you and trust you again.

It will take time that’s for sure if he’s able to reconcile at all.

 

[frusdil]

We were both crying, me probably moreso, and she chose to forgive me. It hurt her but it was much better for both of us to get out from underneath it.

Hold on...forgive you for what? You were raped. I'm confused...

 

[Laurentium]

I honestly do not know what was wrong with me. It seems like night and day from what I was doing and who I am now and who I want to be. I don’t know how you possibly begin to tell someone you love about these things. If anyone has disclosure advice that would be great.

I'm not too keen on what your therapist is saying either. Have you really worked on your abuse history, and does your husband know about that?

If you decide to tell your husband, keep it short. A few sentences, not a long history. Emphasise how sorry you are. Then, be prepared for it to keep coming up. He may (or may not) want to keep having conversations about it. Don't ever say anything like "we already dealt with this, we need to move on." Be patient. Obviously, you can expect him to be angry and/or depressed.

You may need to answer a lot of questions, over many conversations. Prepare for those questions. A few of the obvious ones are
- did you love him?
- was the sex good?
- is there any chance our baby isn't really mine? Are you willing to do a DNA test?
- why did you do it?
- how often did you have sex? Where?
- did anyone else know? Did anyone help you cover it up?

You can think of more