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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ladies:

2nd marriage, in our 50's. I have a post in the Guy's Lounge which explain the scenario. He has been sleeping in another room, coming home late and leaving early since this past Wednesday night. I apologized for telling his son that I pay the mortgage and the bills etc. but I told him I did not think I needed to apologize for getting mad because he and his son decided to tear down a bathroom that wasn't that bad because his son wanted to without looping me in.

Have any of you lived apart under the same roof. Have you been able to resolve?

Thanks
 

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Why are you sucking up to this man? Let him be. You need to be focusing more on you and less on him. Get a hobby, some friends, he's trying to manipulate you by pouting don't let him. You've already owed your part now get to work on the rest of this. Clean up your side of the street before you point fingers at him. You've been enabling him with money and he's not going to be happy when you stop. So like a child who has been told no he pouts. The best answer is to ignore it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Why are you sucking up to this man? Let him be. You need to be focusing more on you and less on him. Get a hobby, some friends, he's trying to manipulate you by pouting don't let him. You've already owed your part now get to work on the rest of this. Clean up your side of the street before you point fingers at him. You've been enabling him with money and he's not going to be happy when you stop. So like a child who has been told no he pouts. The best answer is to ignore it.
I haven't spoken to him since Thurs at 4AM. I went out to a hockey game with my son last night and again tonight. I am going to catch up on my reading. I've been cleaning house and did NOT do his laundry. Baby steps. I was with him since 1999 so it is not an easy switch.
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Preaching to the choir. Married my husband in 1991 and detaching was hard to do but I did it. Have you read about codependency? You fit the description to a T.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I had read co-dependent no more a while ago. I recognize my tendencies. Easy to push back and not work on self-improvement when you are so busy until something like this rears its ugly head. Today I actually cleaned up the house, made some treats for our ice crew at our farm league hockey team for tonight's came and took the time to listen and to enjoy music. Doing great actually when I am alone and the son and his girlfriend are not here. I actually am getting excited about cleaning and organizing the house.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
So Mavash, what was your trigger to make you detach and watch was the end result after you did?
 

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So Mavash, what was your trigger to make you detach and watch was the end result after you did?
My story is long. I was a bad wife, husband checked out, I fixed myself and he stayed checked out. In my delusion I thought if I were a better wife he'd love me again. He didn't. So I had to detach to find out if I needed to give up (it was too late/too much damage) or if he still loved me deep down inside. Took about 10 months and things began to change. Breaking entrenched habits and dynamics take time.

We're still a work in progress but at least now I can communicate problems and he listens without shutting me out or running away.

I'm married to an emotionally unavailable man but he's aware now and is in IC to work on it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Our underlying issue is that I am the second wife and there are blended family issues involving finances and respect. I admit in this scenario, when I came home, I could have called the husband and not told his son that since I pay the mortgage and all of the bills it would have been nice to have been included--yet in some ways he needs to hear this because I'm tired of him asking and getting from Dad and he is old enough now to know these things but the guys in the Gentleman's Advice Page felt that was pretty emasculating. I did apologize for telling the son that but I stuck to my guns with the communication.

I think I fear having the potential for a second marriage that ended in divorce and the financial entanglements. It's hard because I think---this time last week we were holding hands during the hockey game and tonight I went with my son and not him. He is not at home. Oddly I'm pretty upbeat if neither he nor his son/girlfriend are here.

So I can feel pretty comfortable living my life. I had to call him the next morning on a transportation issue involving my son. There was a need to do that. But since then, I have no desire to initiate contact. I don't look at my phone to see if there is a missed call.

If this is to work we either need counseling because we need someone to "referee" our discussions on painful issues until we can learn how to do it on our own. Otherwise, if he is against it, I will get IC and he is going to have to concede to conversation even if it includes confrontation. There is some "good" on the table.

Most of my co-dependant/enabling acts I think were due to adopting the marriage is a "partnership" and we help each other out because there may be a time in the future that I will need the same help from him that I am giving now.



Time will tell. I'll try to find my Co-dependant No More.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
If you can, tell me what methods you used to detach.
 

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WN2
Just replied to your PM...

I would not tolerate the son thinking he could do whatever he chose in MY house - how old is he and why isn't he paying you rent/house keeping?

Silent treatment is pure and simple emotional abuse. Don't stand for it. Ignore him. Then when he's ready to talk make it a time convenient to you - it's hard to do but detaching and "getting on" with your own life helps...

Keep us updated.

I used to be a wimpy wife, enabling my H's bad behaviour / silent treatment - NO MORE! take a deep breath and tell yourself this is not good enough!!!
 

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PS methods of detaching?

Imagine your situation is actually a friend's situation - what would you be telling her to do?

Stepping back and seeing yourself as someone worthy of respect, love, affection, acknowledgement -

Not spending every waking hour trying to understand him.

Not spending every waking hour analyzing, wondering why.

Looking at yourself as an independent human being, capable of finding her own happiness, being in charge of her own attitude and taking responsibility for her own emotions - however influenced by your spouse.

Getting up. Getting busy. Doing things. Talking to those nearest and dearest who can give you the emotional support possibly lacking from your H (if that is the case).

Realizing the difference between need, and want.

Realizing your life does not revolve around one person.

It is very sad, but my expectations are a lot lower than they used to be of my H, however, that helps me deal with situations now a lot more easily because I try not to allow his selfishness to affect my happiness. I try to see what is good in him and encourage it. Yet he has used silent treatment before as a punishment tactic, and finally, FINALLY, I see through it. It's childish. It's his way of communicating to me that he is unable to be emotionally mature enough to discuss an issue - if he acts like a child, he'll get treated like one.

Whatever you do, don't let him get the better of you - you are worth so much more.
 

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Read up on the 180. I'm on my iPad otherwise I'd give you the link. That was my start of detaching, I began to focus more on me less on him. More making me happy and less concerned about him. In short I met my own needs, set boundaries, and i quit kissing his ass. I stupidly thought the nicer I was the more he would love me but the exact opposite was true. He loved me more when I stood up for myself and quit taking his excuses as to why he couldn't meet my needs.

But first I had to pull a hard 180 to get his attention. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I will read. Today is so bad for me. Crying and shaking all morning.
I know it's not always going to be like this. I think why I am upset is because I feel like it is over and all that I gave of myself for the past 13 years meant nothing. I miss what I thought I had.
 

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Read up on the 180. I'm on my iPad otherwise I'd give you the link. That was my start of detaching, I began to focus more on me less on him. More making me happy and less concerned about him. In short I met my own needs, set boundaries, and i quit kissing his ass. I stupidly thought the nicer I was the more he would love me but the exact opposite was true. He loved me more when I stood up for myself and quit taking his excuses as to why he couldn't meet my needs.

But first I had to pull a hard 180 to get his attention. :)
:iagree:

The Healing Heart: The 180

It's not necessarily over - it could be a catalyst for change - if you want it to be.

I've also just bought "Desperate Marriages" and a few pages in already more positive....(you wouldn't think it from the title ;) )
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Good point! I found the 180 before your post and printed it. I'll try and download Desperate Marriage on my iPad...good porch reading weather.
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I will read. Today is so bad for me. Crying and shaking all morning.
I know it's not always going to be like this. I think why I am upset is because I feel like it is over and all that I gave of myself for the past 13 years meant nothing. I miss what I thought I had.
When I was in this place I sobbed daily for three weeks.

Feel the pain. It's better to feel it than to live a lie pretending things are fine when they clearly aren't.

Hugs. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Husband returned, I am applying the 180 as I type. I will remember what I felt this week--especially today so I don't forget to follow it completely.

I have shared the 180 with my friends and one that is a faith-based counselor and he loves it so I felt glad to be able to give him another tool to help another person.

Thank you all!
 
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