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Discussion Starter #1
My wife is doing what she does best when she wants to teach me a lesson, she shuts up completely. It's a control tactic I know, but I'm getting seriously annoyed.


We have been separated for almost a month, and she continues to push me to sign a settlement agreement. And DEMANDS I tell her why I won't, but I know if I answer with "I still love you and wanna try to work things out", I'll get a hailstorm of hatred and anger that I'm simply tired of listening to. Like I should feel guilty for loving her.

I not sure why she wants me to sign it so bad, we still have to wait 6 months for a divorce anyway, so what's the rush? I have a hunch that she needs me to move on, so she can move on. I'm 99% sure it's not somebody else, but anything is possible. I don't want to get a divorce, but I also don't want to be in a controlling relationship that has no hopes of getting better.

So we were getting along, I was starting to get in a better place emotionally, then I told her I was gonna be working out of state and trying to fix the other problems in my life and work on some of my anger issues. Then she's says "that's great, enjoy your new life in that other state, glad it's all working out for you, Now about this settlement agreement?"


Anyway, I told her I wasn't ready to sign anything, and have no intention of signing ANYTHING without a lawyer anyway, but all that did was piss her off. So now we are back to the silent treatment again.


We have talked at all since Sunday. I sent her a text this morning regarding where I was, and nothing. I also asked her to send me any medical bills that she receives, so I could reimburse her for her FSA, while I'm seeking help with my issues. Again nothing.

So I finally have had it, I've been nice and agreeable with trying to let her worry about herself, and have a chance to miss me. I sent her this text right before I started typing this:



"Is the silent treatment really necessary? Are we still playing these games? I didn't sign your settlement agreement, so I don't exist now, huh. OK then. This controlling BS needs to stop, on both sides, it's getting old and it's not solving anything. You have something to say to me, then say it, stop this passive aggressive crap".


Was I wrong?
 

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The silent treatment is a form of emotional/mental abuse. Its a passive aggressive behavior which was more than likely a learned behavior. Its childish and can be very damaging to a relationship.

Look up ways to deal with passive aggressive behavior and silent treatment, hopefully that will help give you some better ways at dealing with that kind of behavior.
 

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So you get the silent treatment, and she demands answers... sounds familiar.
 

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My wife is doing what she does best when she wants to teach me a lesson, she shuts up completely. It's a control tactic I know, but I'm getting seriously annoyed.


We have been separated for almost a month, and she continues to push me to sign a settlement agreement. And DEMANDS I tell her why I won't, but I know if I answer with "I still love you and wanna try to work things out", I'll get a hailstorm of hatred and anger that I'm simply tired of listening to. Like I should feel guilty for loving her.

I not sure why she wants me to sign it so bad, we still have to wait 6 months for a divorce anyway, so what's the rush? I have a hunch that she needs me to move on, so she can move on. I'm 99% sure it's not somebody else, but anything is possible. I don't want to get a divorce, but I also don't want to be in a controlling relationship that has no hopes of getting better.

So we were getting along, I was starting to get in a better place emotionally, then I told her I was gonna be working out of state and trying to fix the other problems in my life and work on some of my anger issues. Then she's says "that's great, enjoy your new life in that other state, glad it's all working out for you, Now about this settlement agreement?"


Anyway, I told her I wasn't ready to sign anything, and have no intention of signing ANYTHING without a lawyer anyway, but all that did was piss her off. So now we are back to the silent treatment again.


We have talked at all since Sunday. I sent her a text this morning regarding where I was, and nothing. I also asked her to send me any medical bills that she receives, so I could reimburse her for her FSA, while I'm seeking help with my issues. Again nothing.

So I finally have had it, I've been nice and agreeable with trying to let her worry about herself, and have a chance to miss me. I sent her this text right before I started typing this:



"Is the silent treatment really necessary? Are we still playing these games? I didn't sign your settlement agreement, so I don't exist now, huh. OK then. This controlling BS needs to stop, on both sides, it's getting old and it's not solving anything. You have something to say to me, then say it, stop this passive aggressive crap".


Was I wrong?
I have to say, I cringed just reading your post. I'm all too familiar with the silent treatment because I just ended a relationship with a man who regularly used the silent treatment as a control tactic...you can read my earlier posts. It was absolutely freaking maddening! At the suggestion of other posters on this board, I did a lot of reading about passive aggressive behavior and the silent treatment. It helped me to understand that this type of behavior is indeed emotional abuse and is used to diminish and devalue the other person, and essentially communicate to the recipient that he/she is nothing. They call this "crazy making" behavior because it incites you, the recipient, into an uncontrolled emotional reaction. Like any normal person, this type of treatment makes you react in anger and then the passive aggressive person can appear to be calm in comparison and is able to sit back in judgment of YOUR "anger issues." I used to hear this all the time from my ex. However, if you do some reading, you'll learn that passive aggressive behavior is not really passive...it actually masks deep seated anger and control issues. Don't know if your wife makes a habit of the silent treatment, but she sounds terribly passive aggressive. Not a good trait in a woman you appear to want to work things out with. She'd need lots of counseling to fix that.
 

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I get the endless muttering and grumbling. The passive aggressive of all passive aggressive.
 

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Discussion Starter #8 (Edited)
For some reason, I cannot keep my emotions in check when I talk to her, I try to make her feel guilty, and then she does the same thing to me. Our last conversation was last Friday. I said some very hateful things, that I regret.

Now I have erased her #'s from my phone so I'm not tempted to communicate about anything not necessary. I found myself sending her texts just to get a reply, which is wussy behavior and no matter what, that needs to stop.

She has said things like "I thought I was in love" "I knew from day 1 you weren't the love of my life", " I feel out of love too fast, so I must not have been in love". "I loved the way you loved me". Now, I'm 100% certain that one of those statements was just meant to hurt me, and I don't believe it. Although when she said it, I started crying, and she said "you keep putting me in these positions to hurt you, stop it".

She's gas lighting me, whenever I'm emotional, she has control and I have to stop letting her do that. She started having these feelings about not being in love with me after I told her I wasn't ready to have a baby with her yet, she says that she "had only been thinking about having a baby for the last year and a half", which is possible, but I doubt seriously that's the entire reason she married me. To be fair, I did want to have a baby with her, but our lives were so stressful at this point I couldn't handle the idea of another child.

She says "it's over, we will NEVER be together", that she "took a vow she wasn't ready to take" and because "I acted so irrationally when she broke up with me, that there's no chance of us reconciling". And again, she then says "I just married you because I knew you would never hurt me, and in the process I destroyed your heart". "Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?" Meanwhile, she was the most insecure woman I had ever met, she constantly self depricated, and called me a liar when I said she was beautiful. When we met, I wasn't this whiny, angry pushover that I am now, but I lost so much of my confidence in the last 9 months of our relationship I didn't know what to do anymore so I let her make all of my decisions.

I need to reclaim my manhood, but am I too late to save this marriage? I'm going to get a new place as soon as I can, right now I am staying with my parents while I get back on my feet. But she has so much of my stuff in her house, I have to get it at some point, I just don't feel strong enough to talk to her right now.
 

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Sometimes the "silent treatment" isn't to punish the other person... Sometimes you've just said all that you can say..
I have to agree. My wife will say what she needs to say. Then let me say my part and to her it's over. We both got our sides in, what's the point of continuing the conversation? I used to hate it and I too felt like the silent treatment was insane maddening and so controling. BUT, since rolling with that punch, things are done much quicker and we are on to something better.

However, the type of silent treatment coming from your wife is much different...
UNLESS, you continue to pester her.
Not sure of the scenario or timelines...
 

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Discussion Starter #10
One thing that used to piss her off more than anything is when she was upset about something I did, I would tell her "I understand, I'm sorry, I'll try not to do it again, but can you just drop it now". Oh my god, she would throw a fit when I'd tell her to "drop it", she would tell me how much that pissed her off and yell and then give me the silent treatment again.


I'd tell her to drop it because I was sick of listening to her complain about the same thing over and over again, maybe I should start devaluing her opinion and stop telling her how bad I feel, because honestly she doesn't have the right to know at this point.

When I tell her how bad she hurt me, and it seems like she doesn't care, she threatened to "go home and kill herself to prove how sorry she is for hurting me". This is middle school bullcrap, I have a million other things to worry about besides what she thinks of me.

I did pester her several times over the last month, that I know needs to stop because it's only making me feel worse, and validating her feelings that I'm not the right man for her.
 

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The silent treatment is a form of emotional/mental abuse. Its a passive aggressive behavior which was more than likely a learned behavior. Its childish and can be very damaging to a relationship.
100% spot on. This is a very near and dear subject to me as I was married to someone who did this to me as a pattern over and over again, even at the slightest disagreement, sometimes even when everything was ok! He could go DAYS or WEEKS w/o saying a single word to me. One time, on his birthday, I had wished him a happy birthday and told him there was a present on his nightstand, he walked right past me and didn't speak to me for a WEEK. He would turn it off too like nothing ever happened and brush it over like nothing was wrong.

He cheated on me and ya know what I told him "Cheating on me wasn't even the worst thing you ever did to me. Your BLATANTLY IGNORING ME hurt me worst than any cheating you ever did to me." I am serious.

Ignoring someone/stonewalling them is by far the most invalidating thing someon can do to you.

I know you love her so much but think about it--do you WANT to be with someone who thinks so little of you that she denies a basic human right of words/contact habitually? It only gets worse over time.

John Gottman, a relationship expert says there are 4 things that kill a marriage fast and guess what one of them is: STONEWALLING. It is emotionally abusive. It is SICK.

I know you want to save your marriage but please understand it takes TWO people to do that. If she has checked out, there is nothing you can do. My advice is to get a lawyer fast and respond.

My hub also did that--filed separation agreement and refused to discuss the status of our marriage until after I signed... well guess what .. . I didn't. Then he fileid for divorce and strung me alon for awhile until he had finally detached enough... then he sent me something saying I needed to appear in court at which time I got a lawyer. Hindsight's 20/20 but I shoulda gotten a lawyer from the get-go. You should do the same.

Right now you can't see it cause you've got blinders on but this woman...doe she really love you if she completely ignores you and refuses to speak to you unless you do what SHE wants? That is very immature and childish and manipulative.

I have been there and it is NOT fun. It makes you feel like a ghost in your own relationship.

Check out these links:

The Silent Treatment – What You Are Saying By Not Saying Anything At All

The Art of Intimacy: Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - John Gottman Research

The Silent Treatment - A severe form of abuse



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If you are like I was, here is what was happening recently.
She ignored you, you got upset. You tried to contact her to resume some sort of communication with good intent to bury the hatchet. She continued to ignore. You apologize. Ignore. You get angry but instead of apologizing or flying off the handle, you say as very matter of factly, this needs to stop. It's ridiculous and immature and we both own this. Deep down, you are telling yourself that this is all on her, but you take the more passive approach in hopes that she comes around. Still silent. Now you're angry and at this point you don't care what you say or how it comes across. The goal now is to piss her off more than she has you...
Am I right?

The difference between you and myself is the silence I received ended once I dropped the conversation. Our argument was as deep as this. Ours was just every day stuff.

She has ZERO respect for you now. It could take a very long time to get it back. BUT, why did you lose that respect? You may not have done anything wrong to prompt it except say you weren't ready for a baby. That triggered her to act like this and it has all snow balled since then.

If you guys want to work this out, you both need to be willing to take your lashings and learn from what has happened. She may have initially gotten upset over the baby talk, but I can guarantee at one point or another, you got upset and started to say some things and digress as a partner. I never cared for couples therapy, but after reading the success that people have gotten from it, I'd say that you guys need to have a talk about it. But in a nuetral spot that won't seem too familiar to a place where you fight. Maybe the mall or a park. Put it out there. But you both need to own your parts. IT won't work if only one of you does...

If she can't do it, get your lawyer and stretch out your writing wrist...
 

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Discussion Starter #13
At this point, I don't even have time to think about hiring an attorney, she has a lot more to lose from a divorce than I do. She has a lot more money, the house,etc. So honestly, I would be leaving in a better position than I came in with, except I'd lose health insurance, and I have to relocate which will cost me money. She claims she could sue me for spousal abandonment because I left the state, but I disclosed my whereabouts and I sent her money for storing my belongings and my portion of the insurance premiums. So I'm in no real danger there, if she wants to go that route, it's gonna cost her money and time and she probably knows it'll backfire, but she still makes threats banking on the idea that I don't know my rights.

One tactic she's using is banking on the fact that I'm still weakened so she can get me to do whatever she wants. I recognize this but I forget it whenever we speak to each other. She acts like she truly cares about me by telling me how good of a guy I am, and that she shouldn't have let herself take it to marriage before realizing this wasn't she wanted and she is sorry she hurt me so bad.

Whenever I keep my cool when I talk to her, she gets pissed because she's lost control of the situation. I just need to stay focused on the tasks at hand, get my finances back on track, get back to work, and finding a new place to live when I get back to my home state. I'll deal with the separation agreement on my terms, not hers. If I still get emotional when I think about signing it, I shouldn't sign it, because biggest errors in judgment come from an weak emotional state.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
If you are like I was, here is what was happening recently.
She ignored you, you got upset. You tried to contact her to resume some sort of communication with good intent to bury the hatchet. She continued to ignore. You apologize. Ignore. You get angry but instead of apologizing or flying off the handle, you say as very matter of factly, this needs to stop. It's ridiculous and immature and we both own this. Deep down, you are telling yourself that this is all on her, but you take the more passive approach in hopes that she comes around. Still silent. Now you're angry and at this point you don't care what you say or how it comes across. The goal now is to piss her off more than she has you...
Am I right?
.

Almost, she responded to it by saying "I don't know what you're talking about, I just got all these texts from you". Then she says "there's no reason for you to start cursing", to which I responded "Seriously??? You are gonna try and make me feel guilty about using 1 curse word?? I have said some things I regret, but that is reaching and you know it, come on."

This pissed her off, "either call me, or leave me alone, I'm done texting". Then we talked, threw a bunch of guilt at each other and by the end of the conversation, I found myself in an emotional wreck yet again, started agreeing with her assessments, then telling her that she "deserves to be loved the way I love her, and I don't want to be a source of pain and that she should stop feeling guilty about hurting me".

Again, I lost respect for myself, and kept worrying about what she wants, instead of doing what I WANT.
 

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Have you ever just tried to sit down with your wife and talk face to face, not raise voices and just put it all out on the table?

You have already established that she uses the silent treatment as a control tactics and this makes you shut down and get angry.

What are the underlying issues here? She wants a baby?? Did you explain clearly why you don't want a baby NOW but do want one in the future?

If that is where your problem stemmed from then simply get down to the subject matter and lay it all out on the table.

Most conflict happen because we all have an underlying narrative we are not saying out-loud.

i.e she says she wants a baby...you say no...her underlying narrative says: i cant be with this man if he doesn't want to have a baby
your underlying narrative says: why now? we are so busy lets hold off for a while.

Go to her house...make a request to just sit down and clear the air without raising voices. If her defense mechanism comes up--recognize it and don't re-act! guide her, explain yourself. Get down the reason why you started fighting in the first place.

Hope that helps :)
 

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Here's going to be one of the biggest hurdles of reconciling. You both have stabbed at each other and said some really hurtful things. If you can solve the underlying issue like Natali said, then you need to really forget what hurtful things were said if you want this to work. If you both said extremely hurtful things to each other but ment it, then the baby talk isn't the only thing that triggered this. It was just the final straw. There's bound to be more. And you have laready lost respect for yourself. Why? Because of what she has said to you? Only YOU can lose respect for yourself. You're the only one that can make that happen. Don't let someone else make you do it.
Forgive yourself for the things that you have said to her. Just like you need to forgive her for what she said to you if you want to make it work.

Respect yourself and as hard as it'll be, you need to respect her as she needs to respect you. You have to be willing to scrape it all off and pretend it never happened. If you 2 can forgive each other, it'll be like it never did.

Good Luck!

My philosphy is that everyone says exactly what they mean when they blurt something out in anger. That's because they didn't have time to think about what they said, they had already felt it before voicing it.
Just a thought, and I only say this because neither of you need to do this to each other any more, you may not be right for together.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
She has said "she doesn't care anymore, that's it's too late, the damage we have done to each other is beyond repair".

I have tried to talk, and get it all out on the table, but she wont listen, she keeps saying "we shouldn't have gotten married, I was wrong to get married for the wrong reason".

I think at this point, she is trying to find any excuse to avoid being honest with herself, and look at herself in the mirror.

a quote from her "I woke up one day and felt like someone else had been making all of my decisions for the past year and a half, and I should have asked myself before the wedding, is this what I really want?" "She said she was trying to fit a square peg in a round hole throughout our relationship"

But I never really felt like didn't love me, she was generous and thoughtful, and really did try to please me, a lot. I told her that, "To say our entire relationship, all the things we went through together, the good times and bad, to say it was all a lie is unbareable to me. So I don't want to believe that you knew from Day 1, that I wasn't the love of your life, because I want to believe you are a better person than that".

For the record, I will be her 3rd divorce, and she turns 30 in a month. So this is a behavioral pattern for sure, she's got kind of a spoiled brat mentality, she didn't get what she wants when she wanted it, so she thinks it's easier to start over and find someone else who has some mythical powers to satisfy her every desire. Her high expectations will be her downfall.
 

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I'll deal with the separation agreement on my terms, not hers.
That's fine but you should get a lawyer cause it sounds like she doe NOT want to be married. You cannot force someone to stay married to you. Everything she is saying and doing points to the fact she wants out.

NEVER chase a dog that is running away from you.
If someone wants out, you open the door and let them go.
Trying to hold ont something that is fighting with all their might to get away from you is useless and unhealthy.

She has said "she doesn't care anymore, that's it's too late, the damage we have done to each other is beyond repair".

I have tried to talk, and get it all out on the table, but she wont listen, she keeps saying "we shouldn't have gotten married, I was wrong to get married for the wrong reason".

I think at this point, she is trying to find any excuse to avoid being honest with herself, and look at herself in the mirror.

For the record, I will be her 3rd divorce, and she turns 30 in a month.
She has a right to her feelings. She is not a healthy or safe person. You said "she won't listen"--fine--that is her choice. You can't make her anything. She manipulates you into getting what she wants, uses silence to get you to fol dand do waht she wants and she knows it pisses you off AND she is telling you ove rand over she wants out... so Let...her...go.

Nothing good will come out of this is you are trying to make her stay against her will. In time you will look back and be glad for this since you will have gotten out of a relationship with someone who won't meet you halfway or knows what a committment to marriage is.

3rd divorce and only 29? Oh boy.



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It IS a form of control and abuse. It IS passive-aggressive. They do it because they KNOW it bothers you - my solution was - don't let it.

My husband used to go silent for a week or more.

Not anymore.

I quit letting it bother me, I continued to speak to him as I normally did and if he didn't answer, then so be it.

Once it no longer got a REACTION from ME, lo and behold, he started doing it less and less.

Now, if I do get the silent treatment, it may last a day at the most and sometimes not even that, because he KNOWS that it doesn't work with me anymore. The only person he is hurting is himself now.

If she doesn't want to talk to you - then let her be. Once she knows it doesn't bother you, then she will come to you versus you going to her.

Statement was fine - but with this statement, you told her, essentially, that the silent treatment still bothers you and as long as she knows that - she will continue the treatment.

Take the legs out from under her and don't contact her unless you have to - when she needs something, she'll be in touch - trust me.
 

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That's fine but you should get a lawyer cause it sounds like she doe NOT want to be married. You cannot force someone to stay married to you. Everything she is saying and doing points to the fact she wants out.

NEVER chase a dog that is running away from you.
If someone wants out, you open the door and let them go.
Trying to hold ont something that is fighting with all their might to get away from you is useless and unhealthy.



She has a right to her feelings. She is not a healthy or safe person. You said "she won't listen"--fine--that is her choice. You can't make her anything. She manipulates you into getting what she wants, uses silence to get you to fol dand do waht she wants and she knows it pisses you off AND she is telling you ove rand over she wants out... so Let...her...go.

Nothing good will come out of this is you are trying to make her stay against her will. In time you will look back and be glad for this since you will have gotten out of a relationship with someone who won't meet you halfway or knows what a committment to marriage is.

3rd divorce and only 29? Oh boy.
:iagree:

3rd divorce and only 29 - she has some issues, that's for sure.

I agree that if she wants to go, then let her go.

My daughter is in the middle of a divorce and she thinks the longer it takes to sign the paperwork, the more she can delay it and get him to change his mind.

She doesn't realize that this won't stop anything - he wants out - and she just doesn't get it - she's only causing more pain for herself. He'll get out, one way or the other.

Do you really want to hold onto something that doesn't want you?

Let her go.

But do it on your terms as far as signing any paperwork. It's your choice to sign and agree/disagree with any agreement or divorce paperwork.

Don't let her bully you into signing something you don't agree with.

She wouldn't do it and you shouldn't either.
 
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