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I don't know what to tell you. I have a zero tolerance policy. Interacting secretly, inappropriately, flirting, private dates, talks with other men would be on the verge of a deal breaking, marriage breaking situation. If she didn't cut all ties and contact with someone what was a potential emotional affair situation than I would end things.
Successful marriages put each other first, put the marriage bond first. If they are putting some opposite sex friend fantasy first and gets too close with another man than I'm not going to be happy and will want it cut off and for that relationship to die. If I thought for a moment she actually did something physical with someone else it would be nuclear. She would be dead to me. Divorce. Not a chance in hell I'd ever want her again.

It seems like the time for you to enforce major boundaries or end things passed a LOOOOONG TIME AGO.


PS - I read through many of the other details to see how inappropriate and unfaithful this woman has been to you.
When you are in a committed relationship or marriage you both give up selfish things and do what is best for the relationship not what is just a selfish want that hurts your partner.
WHY do you still even want to be with this person?
Are you that terrified of being alone and having to date and find someone new that you will stay with this and put up with this abuse, betrayal?
She acts as if she just wants to act single. SHE IS NOT.
If she wants to act single. Turn her loose and make her single.

PSS
Any good spouse, if they were around someone a lot, a co-worker for example, would choose their marriage and cut all contact with that person and only interact as little as possible if work required it. They would choose their marriage and starve those feelings by no contact....not go out with the person, stay out until 4am with them, talk to them all the time, lunches and dinners and tons of quality time. That makes the feelings grow.

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My partner is saying she wont go now and that's she "sick of it (constantly having to worry about it)", and how it "stresses her so much" and how "I need to be in her shoes as well to understand."

IMO, her 'stress' is self imposed and caused 100% by your GF's refusal to do whatever it takes to remove Dave from your lives. She sets herself up to fail by creating false excuses around her bestie or her teenage daughter. Reconciling and rebuilding trust after an affair is hard work. Your GF may not be capable of consistently doing the hard work day after day - for years.

Dave (the OM), his brother, and your GF's bestie all know the back story of the affair. Everyone knows about the affair except this couple hosting supper.

1- IMO, the appropriate response should have been immediate. For example: if Dave attends then we will not; or if Dave shows up then we will leave.

Now if she cancels (after talking to you) she can blame you.

2 - At least in the moment this is your GF saying: haven't I 'suffered' long enough ... why haven't you gotten over my affair by now?
(i.e., she sees herself as a victim of you being unreasonable)

3 - It's a red flag that she sees her 'stress' or discomfort as in anyway comparable to what her affair did to you (i.e., although she knows the affair made you angry, she doesn't understand the depth of the pain she caused and still causes by contact with Dave)

4 - I think at some point she's building a case in her head that she's a victim ... that Dave is a necessary part of her life (and you are unreasonably distrustful and/or controlling).
 

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Sorry if I am wrong, there are too may posts to go through.

When did this change from friends that pushed boundaries into a full blown affair?

I possibly missed a lot because the message count is getting exhausting and confusing, but from what I have read, you are both responsible.

She may have become too close to “Dave”, but you went into full blown jealous mode, which probably pushed her away further.

By stopping her from being with her friends, you are isolating her from her relationships.
That is abuse.

At first she had a crush. So? I think lots of men are hot. Does not mean I am going to jump into bed with them.

You admitted this is causing her stress.

Stop allowing paranoia to drive your behaviour. It will only push her further towards spite and revenge.

Do not socially isolate her, it will do the same.

Break up and get individual counselling, or work together and get relationship counselling. Visiting a Mental Health Practitioner would also help. That seems to be the true cause.


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Discussion Starter #305
Hi a_new_me,

You can argue about whether or not it was a full blown affair but she did have a crush and feelings for this man, even admitting she was crazy about him.

The problem here is that Dave is right in the middle of her friend‘a social circle, even lives with him and he is her best friend’s boyfriend’s brother. Spending time with her essentially means spending time with Dave.

I NEVER told her to stop seeing her friends. I do not believe in controlling people. I just suggested that it would be best for our relationship if they did not have contact bit they have had contact several time’s since I found out about what was going on.

My mood changes when I find out she has been over there so she doesn’t want to go but then makes me feel guilty so I don’t know what to do.
 

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Do not question whether you are being unreasonable or controlling or a jealous guy. There's only one person that you asked your GF to avoid. If that request is pushing her away - then you've already lost her. At the very least she should let you know in advance that she's going over to that house

As I recall your GF has continued to show too much awareness/concern for Dave's welfare. For example, sending him Xmas dinner.
Didn't Dave support his brother beating your GF's bestie? No woman should be reaching out in any way to these two POS.

Being attracted to another person is not noteworthy. What makes your GF's behavior different than a harmless 'crush' (and therefore inappropriate) is that she acted on her feelings for Dave. She excluded you from social events so she could have alone time with Dave. She also staked out her territory by informing her girlfriend that Dave was hers.

She then spent a drunken/drugged out overnight party at Dave's house that nobody talks to you about. Her bestie advised her to never let you know what took place.

BTW:

Did your GF ever admit that her behavior toward Dave was inappropriate?
Did she apologize for excluding you from social events so she could be with Dave?
Did she apologize for hurting you?
Did she apologize for damaging your trust in her?
 

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Wxman,

not sure who you are trying to convince here, us the readers or yourself that you have a handle on this. this mini battles with her amount to no victory at all.
 

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It's much simpler to just say "I won't live a life where my partner spends time with another man I'm uncomfortable about. Your choice, but my choice is to end a relationship if my partner isn't putting my needs first." And then ACT on it. She'll learn really quickly.
 

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Discussion Starter #309
Do not question whether you are being unreasonable or controlling or a jealous guy. There's only one person that you asked your GF to avoid. If that request is pushing her away - then you've already lost her. At the very least she should let you know in advance that she's going over to that house

As I recall your GF has continued to show too much awareness/concern for Dave's welfare. For example, sending him Xmas dinner.
Didn't Dave support his brother beating your GF's bestie? No woman should be reaching out in any way to these two POS.

Being attracted to another person is not noteworthy. What makes your GF's behavior different than a harmless 'crush' (and therefore inappropriate) is that she acted on her feelings for Dave. She excluded you from social events so she could have alone time with Dave. She also staked out her territory by informing her girlfriend that Dave was hers.

She then spent a drunken/drugged out overnight party at Dave's house that nobody talks to you about. Her bestie advised her to never let you know what took place.

BTW:

Did your GF ever admit that her behavior toward Dave was inappropriate? It took a while to get it out of her but yes although she still seem to think it was mostly harmless.
Did she apologize for excluding you from social events so she could be with Dave? Yes but again, she didn't think it was as wrong as many think.
Did she apologize for hurting you?
Did she apologize for damaging your trust in her? yes and yes.

I think the thing that annoys me most of her most recent comment of, "everyone moves on at some point but you haven't."
 

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Hi a_new_me,

You can argue about whether or not it was a full blown affair but she did have a crush and feelings for this man, even admitting she was crazy about him.

The problem here is that Dave is right in the middle of her friend‘a social circle, even lives with him and he is her best friend’s boyfriend’s brother. Spending time with her essentially means spending time with Dave.

I NEVER told her to stop seeing her friends. I do not believe in controlling people. I just suggested that it would be best for our relationship if they did not have contact bit they have had contact several time’s since I found out about what was going on.

My mood changes when I find out she has been over there so she doesn’t want to go but then makes me feel guilty so I don’t know what to do.


Well, I live beside a man that could easily portray James Bond. Accent, eyes...etc..

Oh wow, I have a crush on him.

I am not going to jump into bed with him though. I am also not going to socially isolate him or myself because he is stunning.

You are acting unreasonably.

Everyone looks. It is a natural part of human behaviour.

Jealousy stems from insecurity.
Reflect.
What happened to make you so insecure?


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Well, I live beside a man that could easily portray James Bond. Accent, eyes...etc..

Oh wow, I have a crush on him.

I am not going to jump into bed with him though. I am also not going to socially isolate him or myself because he is stunning.

You are acting unreasonably.

Everyone looks. It is a natural part of human behaviour.

Jealousy stems from insecurity.
Reflect.
What happened to make you so insecure?

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Silliness. This is totally different. This is someone who lives next to you. If you have a partner, do you think it would be appropriate for you to go to James Bond's place without your partner and party all night with James Bond? And with your crush and under the influence of alcohol and drugs, do you not think it would end up with sex?
 

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Hi a_new_me,

You can argue about whether or not it was a full blown affair but she did have a crush and feelings for this man, even admitting she was crazy about him.

The problem here is that Dave is right in the middle of her friend‘a social circle, even lives with him and he is her best friend’s boyfriend’s brother. Spending time with her essentially means spending time with Dave.

I NEVER told her to stop seeing her friends. I do not believe in controlling people. I just suggested that it would be best for our relationship if they did not have contact bit they have had contact several time’s since I found out about what was going on.

My mood changes when I find out she has been over there so she doesn’t want to go but then makes me feel guilty so I don’t know what to do.
No brother, the problem is you...

Your problem is you did not catch them having sex but everyone knows that they did.

Your problem is you are so far in denial there appears to be no way out.

Bless you, I really hope you come out of it soon...
 

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"I think the thing that annoys me most of her most recent comment of, "everyone moves on at some point but you haven't."

Ouch! I'm sorry she said that to you.

1 - Last summer, you caught your GF acting out on her feelings for Dave by: excluding you from social activities, telling her girlfriend that Dave was hers, and subsequently being advised by her bestie to never tell you what happened when she partied/spent the entire night at Dave's house.

2 - She still talks to Dave. She insists she can't and hasn’t gone zero contact because her 13yo daughter is best friends with Dave's daughter.

3 - Plus her occasional comments/gestures (even if separated by a month or two) show she thinks positively toward Dave - or maybe she even looks up to him as a relatively successful business owner vs your GF's family & close friends.

Question: There are many reasons to object to her comment - but my response and others may be more on target/useful to you if you share with us just what exactly you find annoying about her recent comment?
 

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Discussion Starter #314
No brother, the problem is you...

Your problem is you did not catch them having sex but everyone knows that they did.

Your problem is you are so far in denial there appears to be no way out.

Bless you, I really hope you come out of it soon...
A_new_me,

With all due respect, I don't think you are up to speed with everything that has happened here. To quickly summarize:

Last summer, I had suspicions and discovered via text messages, that my partner developed feelings and had a crush on another man who happened to be her best friend's boyfriend's brother.

She intentionally left me out of social gathering and spent a fair bit of time with this man without me, including spending the night at his place one night, albeit he lives with several other people.

The texts I found has her using words and phrases like, "crazy about him", "feeling are way less intense now", We were hopeless and engaged in the kitchen this morning", etc.

After confronting her, the "affair" seemed to subside, but since this man is in the middle of her best friend's social circle, she has still had some occasional contact with him. Since it has been about 8 months, she is expecting me to "just move on".

There is no clear evidence that they kissed or had sex although many on this forum are convinced they did. She of course denies it and has just called it an "innocent crush".
 

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Discussion Starter #315
"I think the thing that annoys me most of her most recent comment of, "everyone moves on at some point but you haven't."

Ouch! I'm sorry she said that to you.

1 - Last summer, you caught your GF acting out on her feelings for Dave by: excluding you from social activities, telling her girlfriend that Dave was hers, and subsequently being advised by her bestie to never tell you what happened when she partied/spent the entire night at Dave's house. Yes, although the last part I don't think happened although she did tell another friend that she was going to avoid me for a while to which her friend replied, "Smart" followed by my partner saying "LOL".

2 - She still talks to Dave. She insists she can't and hasn’t gone zero contact because her 13yo daughter is best friends with Dave's daughter. You are right. Dave actually called my partner the other day because his daughter was recently in Costa Rica and came home sick and she came in contact with my step daughter. I can understand the call being necessary given the COVID-19 pandemic but clearly with their kids being good friend, no contact is unavoidable.

3 - Plus her occasional comments/gestures (even if separated by a month or two) show she thinks positively toward Dave - or maybe she even looks up to him as a relatively successful business owner vs your GF's family & close friends. Yes, possibly.

Question: There are many reasons to object to her comment - but my response and others may be more on target/useful to you if you share with us just what exactly you find annoying about her recent comment?

What's annoying about is, I should not be expected to just "get over it". Not 8 months after the fact, not a year after the fact, not even maybe ever. Expecting no contact unless absolutely necessary is not asking too much.
 

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Discussion Starter #316
Wow, I could write a book on this whole thing. Maybe I really do like the drama.

So here is the latest development. Apparently my partner's "sister" (We will call her Karen), wanted to visit for a while and wait out the pandemic. I put sister in quotes since they are sisters because my partner's dad and her foster mom got married. Karen lives in a remote town about 6 hours away. My partner was a bit on the fence about Karen coming since Karen, when single, tends to spend a lot of time partying and sleeping with random men, and coming into contact with many people and bringing that home given what is currently happening is not a good idea.

So yesterday, Karen revealed the real reason why she wants to visit. Is it because that Dave reached out to her and asked her to come visit for a few days and spend the night at his place one night. Really??? I can't even remember a time when they met. OK, so maybe this hammers home the fact that Dave and my partner likely aren't still in any romantic contact but both Dave and Karen are showing absolutely no respect for me or my relationship by doing this since it essentially creates more drama and keeps Dave in the picture. My partner is upset with Karen since she admitted to trying to repair the relationship with me and why she would choose to do this with Dave of all of the people available. She did say to Karen that she no longer has feelings for Dave and that is not why she is upset about this.

I mean, for real? My partner's actions have been problematic over the past year but even more disturbing is how little respect some of the people my partner is close to have shown me.
 

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"I think the thing that annoys me most of her most recent comment of, "everyone moves on at some point but you haven't."

Thank you for sharing how her recent (above) comment made you feel.

Your response is valid. Whether it was 8 months ago or yesterday is irrelevant because Dave's continued presence in your relationship keeps the wound open and festering.

After all that's happened and been discussed your GF should be proactively protecting you and your relationship. And I also don't think the problem is limited to just Dave.

You can't control your GF's behavior and her decisions (nor should you). However, you can and should protect yourself. You have a right to live the best version of your life.

IMO, her recent comment is particularly disturbing as well as discouraging because it suggests she has a core moral value that tolerates infidelity. If that's true, then you haven't even started to reconcile. Instead you've just been in data gathering mode to decide whether to R.

Does she & her friends (and perhaps her family) have a history of viewing infidelity as something that's common and/or expected from time to time?

And although infidelity initially triggers anger & heartbreak, in her world if the affair stops then is the betrayed partner expected to just get over it (i.e., until next time)?
 

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I'm surprised your GF was upset. Your GF puts on a good dramatic show for you but doesn't proactively protect you through her actions.

Based on her recent comment, IMO she's using this opportunity to claim some undeserved credit for trying to repair the relationship (all the while continuing contact with Dave (and notifying you after the fact of visits to his house)).

What did you say to your girlfriend?
 

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Discussion Starter #319
I'm surprised your GF was upset. Your GF puts on a good dramatic show for you but doesn't proactively protect you through her actions.

Based on her recent comment, IMO she's using this opportunity to claim some undeserved credit for trying to repair the relationship (all the while continuing contact with Dave (and notifying you after the fact of visits to his house)).

What did you say to your girlfriend?
She hasnt mentioned this to me. I overheard her on the phone discussing this situation with her sister sleeping with Dave. Apparently she is in town now and stayed at Dave's last night. We will see if my partner avoids going over there over the next few days.
 

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She hasnt mentioned this to me. I overheard her on the phone discussing this situation with her sister sleeping with Dave. Apparently she is in town now and stayed at Dave's last night. We will see if my partner avoids going over there over the next few days.
Your partner is jealous. It has nothing to do with you.
 
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