[BoSlander]

your partners already know you, moreover, if I remember correctly, she had studied psychology, she knows how to bend people's ideas, she must have used you in her experiments for a long time.

the part that surprised me was you saw these and got drunk?

You proved to everyone that you are a weak idiot (I meant it means they said it), I think from that day on you were the laughing stock of your wife's friends and everyone understood why your wife cheated on you so easily!

It's their choice to cheat, but it's your choice to make yourself ridiculous after realizing it. instead of getting drunk you should have returned home, it would be a good choice to start leaving that evening.

however, as I said at the beginning, your partner knows you better than us and knew how to control your reactions.

Again.. I don't know why my commentary and response to the situation became the center of attention but... whatever... Look, since you took my comment out of context, allow me to re-center it for you: At the time of the wedding, my XW was acting up. I knew something was up but could not find anything because my XW was a master, and I mean a CIA spy-grade secrecy MASTER, at hiding things.

My hunt started at work because, at the time, I felt that that was the most likely place where something "weird" may be going on (I did not suspect adultery at the time). And I say "weird" because my wife was very involved in her co-workers lives up to about 10-11 years into our marriage, at which point she basically went mute. SO, the wedding represented a good opportunity for me to gather "intelligence" and I decided to go. I knew I was going to most likely see some f-ed up sh-t so I mentally prepared myself for the worst. So, I get to the wedding and I immediately see that my XW knows everyone. I see her jumping from group to group of people, having conversations and being very touchy-feely for my taste. Then, as the night progressed, she began to completely ignore me. And that's when I started to see the cheater behavior that I eventually stumbled upon. I mean, it took me YEARS to figure out how she was doing all of this (it was my mistake, I should've hired a PI) so I wanted to pick up as much behavior as possible without letting her know or see that I was observing her. OF COURSE, under normal circumstances she would not be dancing with another man and the men that slapped her in the but would have the white knocked out of their teeth, but I wasn't there that night to go full on MMA on anyone. I was there to see how my XW behaved when around her co workers.

Understood?

 

[BoSlander]

A lot of women like emotional connections and there's nothing wrong with that. A lot of women are interested in other people they know just as friends. I just find it very peculiar when someone thinks you shouldn't have any friends. I don't think that's healthy. Just because you're that way doesn't mean someone else should be that way. It's fine for you but it probably wouldn't be fine for her.

I never said she shouldn't have any friends. What I am saying is that she had an emotional network set up at work and purposely kept it from me because she knew she wanted to get with some of the people there and that I would either get upset at her not tell me what her intentions were or I would get inquisitive (understandably) at who she was having those connections with.

This has NOTHING to do with healthy interpersonal relations.

 

[BoSlander]

Bo,

My wife works at an elementary school and has for 25 years. There is only one male there. However, I have seen some of what you describe. In particular, becoming very close with co-workers and being way too emotionally involved in each other's lives.

I work as a network engineer, where there is about a 50/50 of men and women at my office. On a daily basis, I work with other engineers, who are all male. I am friends with the guys I work with, but we do not hang together outside of work and are definitely not emotionally engaged.

I had to have a talk with my wife, who started coming home and telling me about her work day. My work day talk with her would be.... I set up X VM servers and put in a firewall, etc. Her talk would be.... Jan and Betty are being *****y, Mary is having problems XYZ with her husband, Emily is having an affair with her neighbor Bob.

I pointed out to her that I thought it was bizarre to get this invested in other people's lives. I got a bit angry and told her I am not interested in real life soap operas. I think, and this is just my opinion, women in general just love drama....be it on TV, in real life or in books.

I think this is why there's so much adultery in the workplace, because emotional connections are being made where there ought be none. My company is exactly like yours, we have zero investment in each other's personal life and are happy to have it that way. We even have classes that we need to take on an annual basis where we're explicitly told not to over engage on the personal stuff.

 

[Divinely Favored]

This whole dissatisfaction with the marriage rationale justifying cheating is very entrenched. It reminds me of how some folks acted when my son was born with Down Syndrome. Because they were afraid that something random like this could happen to them, some people had to convince themselves that something other than randomness caused it. They felt that as long as there was some explanation that included some deficiency on the parents part, they were safe, as they were not deficient.
The need to explain cheating in a similar manner strikes me as pretty much the same thing. It makes people feel safe.
Sometimes you can be a good( not perfect) spouse and your partner still cheats. Sometimes you just did not pick up on the character flaws in your spouse until,after marriage ( and disordered folks are quite adept at wearing a mask)
IMO, if you are in a marriage where your spouse has to feel that you would physically assault someone she hits on to deter her, that is sad

Exactly, my wife wants to flirt with other dudes, it will be her hitting the streets. Guy should not tolerate that kind of disrespect, she can get the hell out.

 

[Divinely Favored]

I think this is why there's so much adultery in the workplace, because emotional connections are being made where there ought be none. My company is exactly like yours, we have zero investment in each other's personal life and are happy to have it that way. We even have classes that we need to take on an annual basis where we're explicitly told not to over engage on the personal stuff.

It blows my mind when you have co-workers that take vacations together. Ones I know, ends up in alternate spouses having affair. I spend 10+ hrs a day with co-workers, no I do not want to go lay on a beach with them on my free time. Or my wife and I climb into a hot tub with co-worker and her hubby. Hell to the NO!

 

[Divinely Favored]

Exactly.
The dude gets "his fingers broken" for disrespecting me.
Same way as if an AP knew the cheater was married. It's a separate affront from your wife/husband being a lush or a *.
If it's a full-tilt double betrayal (like best friend) then that is even more aggregious.
I see people say constantly "they didn't marry you" in reference to an AP, nope they didn't but they sure disrespected me. It does not have to be one or the other (AP or wife), It can be both that deserve consequences.

FINALLY someone on the same page with me!

 

[DownByTheRiver]

I said become too invested in friends/co-workers lives. I have no issue with her having friends. However the old saying "not my circus, not my monkeys" applies.

But it is her circus and her monkeys if she's friends with them. There's nothing wrong with becoming invested in other people's lives.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

I never said she shouldn't have any friends. What I am saying is that she had an emotional network set up at work and purposely kept it from me because she knew she wanted to get with some of the people there and that I would either get upset at her not tell me what her intentions were or I would get inquisitive (understandably) at who she was having those connections with.

This has NOTHING to do with healthy interpersonal relations.

Because she knows you. But there's nothing wrong with her having a friend Network at work just because you don't like it. You are the outlier here. Having friends at work is pretty normal.

 

[ConanHub]

Once I reached adulthood, with decent strength etc., I learned that physically fighting was nothing like it was as a kid. People do not stop when you cry uncle. It continues until someone gets very badly injured sometimes. People get stomped when they are laying helpless etc. Weapons are often involved. Careers get ruined if you are charged. I am not talking about defending yourself or a loved one or someone else being harmed.
Getting repeatedly punched in the face , kicked etc. is nothing like as portrayed on TV or movies. It does way more damage than portrayed.
I just would not engage over an insult or disrespect. People wind up seriously hurt. Last time I did this, decades ago, I wound up with a fractured orbit and zygoma. Fighting, as an adult is extremely dangerous. Just too much strength and anger involved.

I respect your position and I think you have good advice.

My way isn't the only, or even the best, one.

It is the best and only way for how this barbarian lives however.

For what it's worth, I've ended all fights almost before they started with minimal damage to my antagonist and I've never been hurt.

Get me on ice skates though and I will nearly kill myself!😋

 

[BootsAndJeans]

But it is her circus and her monkeys if she's friends with them. There's nothing wrong with becoming invested in other people's lives.

I think there is a bit of grey here, it is not just black & white. I disagree with you in the following context. When a person becomes invested in the lives of people who are just friends, to the degree that those issues cause an emotional response that impacts that person's spouse in the marital relationship, then the friendship needs to be dialed back.

Here is my perspective....my circus is MY family. My monkeys are members of MY family. While I or she can and do have friends, we should not get involved in their love lives or other emotional storms. We have financially helped friends, we have provided a safe space for one her friends before.

I guess I am different than most people. My wife has been my best friend for 40 years. I really have no need for a lot of other close friends. I have one buddy that we have been friends for 47 years.

 

[Megaforce]

I respect your position and I think you have good advice.

My way isn't the only, or even the best, one.

It is the best and only way for how this barbarian lives however.

For what it's worth, I've ended all fights almost before they started with minimal damage to my antagonist and I've never been hurt.

Get me on ice skates though and I will nearly kill myself!😋

One rule to abide by: do not engage with guys who have cauliflower ears( unless you have them as well). You get taken to the ground and it is over.

 

[Megaforce]

FINALLY someone on the same page with me!

If this becomes a habit, decent odds you run into the wrong person sooner or later. One of my best friends never lost a wrestling match his entire high school career. I think he had an extra Y chromosome or something.
Some guy back from Marine training started up with him. Yeah a few months of basic vs 12 plus years of wrestling. It was not pretty. Guy went through a plate glass window. If he had only known to look for cauliflower ears.

 

[ConanHub]

If this becomes a habit, decent odds you run into the wrong person sooner or later. One of my best friends never lost a wrestling match his entire high school career. I think he had an extra Y chromosome or something.
Some guy back from Marine training started up with him. Yeah a few months of basic vs 12 plus years of wrestling. It was not pretty. Guy went through a plate glass window. If he had only known to look for cauliflower ears.

Watch out for the cauliflower!!!😂

 

[DownByTheRiver]

I think there is a bit of grey here, it is not just black & white. I disagree with you in the following context. When a person becomes invested in the lives of people who are just friends, to the degree that those issues cause an emotional response that impacts that person's spouse in the marital relationship, then the friendship needs to be dialed back.

Here is my perspective....my circus is MY family. My monkeys are members of MY family. While I or she can and do have friends, we should not get involved in their love lives or other emotional storms. We have financially helped friends, we have provided a safe space for one her friends before.

I guess I am different than most people. My wife has been my best friend for 40 years. I really have no need for a lot of other close friends. I have one buddy that we have been friends for 47 years.

Yes but that's you. Your spouse doesn't have to become you and do everything your way. She has her own social habits. If she's not cheating there's just nothing wrong with her having friends and getting involved with people's lives and I think that applies whether the husband is threatened or not in a case where the husband is unreasonably possessive and just because he's not social but she is.

 

[ConanHub]

Yes but that's you. Your spouse doesn't have to become you and do everything your way. She has her own social habits. If she's not cheating there's just nothing wrong with her having friends and getting involved with people's lives and I think that applies whether the husband is threatened or not in a case where the husband is unreasonably possessive and just because he's not social but she is.

And where had this advice been applied and worked?

I'm genuinely interested because you're opposing input from a very lengthy, successfully married person.

 

[Rubix Cubed]

I guess these two old adages were wrong all along, huh?
"Don't mix business with pleasure"
"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure."

Your default seems to be to allow as much opportunity for infidelity as possible and do nothing if it interferes with the way you operated when you were/are single.
Like you said "That may work for you" but there's no need to go on further with trying to convince everybody else it will work for them, as you seem to be doing.

 

[BoSlander]

Because she knows you. But there's nothing wrong with her having a friend Network at work just because you don't like it. You are the outlier here. Having friends at work is pretty normal.

And I’m not saying otherwise. Again, the types of interpersonal relationships my wife was forging at work were the type of relationships that are unhealthy to the matrimony. No one, including me, is saying that people shouldn’t have friends at work, or a network of. What is being discussed here is when people go too far with those relationships and put themselves in places where things can and OFTEN do develop.

 

[CrapMan]

I think there is a bit of grey here, it is not just black & white. I disagree with you in the following context. When a person becomes invested in the lives of people who are just friends, to the degree that those issues cause an emotional response that impacts that person's spouse in the marital relationship, then the friendship needs to be dialed back.

Here is my perspective....my circus is MY family. My monkeys are members of MY family. While I or she can and do have friends, we should not get involved in their love lives or other emotional storms. We have financially helped friends, we have provided a safe space for one her friends before.

I guess I am different than most people. My wife has been my best friend for 40 years. I really have no need for a lot of other close friends. I have one buddy that we have been friends for 47 years.

I agree with this perspective. I have had coworker friends both male and female. My wife has had many more coworker friends in comparison to mine. All of hers were/are female because of her profession. She is more invested in her friends lives than I; however, not to the detriment in our relationship. Our relationship has been almost as long as yours.

 

[BootsAndJeans]

Yes but that's you. Your spouse doesn't have to become you and do everything your way. She has her own social habits. If she's not cheating there's just nothing wrong with her having friends and getting involved with people's lives and I think that applies whether the husband is threatened or not in a case where the husband is unreasonably possessive and just because he's not social but she is.

You are absolutely right. I can agree to respect her feelings and conform my social life to ensure she feels safe, secure and loved in our marriage. Or I can do whatever the hell I want to.

She can conform her social life to protect our marriage and relationship or just do what she wants. That is absolutely her right as an adult woman. In that case, I would cut her loose in a divorce and she could get as involved in everyone else's lives that she wanted to.

Marriage takes work, establishing healthy boundaries, open communication and respecting each other. It also requires both spouses to conform their behaviors to protect the marriage. I absolutely trust my wife romantically and sexually. But I do not want the shyte storm of others peoples lives impacting ours.

Call me controlling....I do not not give a crap. I will put our 40, mostly very happy years above your or anyone's opinion. What matters to me is my wife's opinion.

 

[QuietRiot]

I think this is why there's so much adultery in the workplace, because emotional connections are being made where there ought be none. My company is exactly like yours, we have zero investment in each other's personal life and are happy to have it that way. We even have classes that we need to take on an annual basis where we're explicitly told not to over engage on the personal stuff.

I have to agree. When you start building intimacy with opposite sex people in any environment it’s is easier and almost natural to smudge boundaries. A lot of people take tiny little steps over months and then when it’s gone into the realm of EA their brain is already twisted into a pretzel. The PA is just the natural progression of things from there.