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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Happy Thanksgiving Day everyone!

It's no secret that the workplace tends to be a hotbed of adultery. I think, one of the things that always catches people by surprise is seeing your SO's intense and deep emotional connections, most often unbeknown to us, in the form of affectionate body language, tongue-in-cheek behaviors and even lunch/coffee/dinner dates that are, again, most often kept from the SO, for obvious reasons.

I remember the first time I saw this in full display with my XW: we went to a wedding where two teachers were getting married (they ended up cheating on each other and divorcing-LOL). 95% of all invitees were school personnel, which I found odd but it is what it is. To say it was an odd day for me is an understatement: When we first walked into the hall, my XW started introducing me to people, which I was fine about but... eventually I saw her jumping from group to group of invitees, exchanging hugs and kisses with women and men I had never met. As the evening progressed, I started noticing my XW was really trying hard to ignore me (I did not know anyone there, she knew everyone,) going as far as dancing slow tunes with other dudes, only to come back to our table and say something really f-cked up to me like "you're getting drunk." One of the dudes she was dancing with... let's just say there were too many eye exchanges and one slap in the butt too many for me to feel like her relationships with the people at work were merely superficial, which was the story she was selling me all along by the way. It got so bad that I got drunk and turned my body toward the band and my back to everyone else at the table. At one point, my XW sensed what was happening and we decided to leave. To say that we fought in the car is an understatement.

To make a long story short, what happened that night got printed in my reptilian brain. It wasn't the type of experience that you go through and flush out within days. No, I STILL remember it vividly. Too many (f-cked up) things happened that night that I wasn't aware of... kind of like when I found out Santa was really my parents... like a loss of innocence type of thing. What I learned from that night was that 1) my XW was making insanely deep emotional connections with coworkers (male, female, married, single, young and old), 2) that she was keeping how deep these relationships were a secret, 3) that she was intentionally creating really intimate moments/situations with some of these co workers (again, keeping them secret) and that 4) at one point or another, her emotional and romantic b-base slowly pivoted from the marriage to the school ecosystem. The way this change manifested itself was in the way she behaved: she would ALWAYS try to make up from any fights right before she was about to leave for work and then, as soon as she came home, she would unleash hell because of the smallest things imaginable.

What is your experience?
 

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Hi Bo,

For the record my wife is a second grade teacher and we have been to a wedding much like you described. My wife does indeed have nice relationships with some of her coworkers. I however do not view any of them as threatening in any way, perhaps because the only male teacher in her grade is a cross dresser !!!!! It sounds to me that something was probably going on at home that wasn’t happy marriage material and your wife was getting her emotional cup filled elsewhere. I’m not giving your wife a pass on her bad behavior though.

The dance with another guy: Here is where you and I are extremely different people. I wouldn’t have let that continue for more than a couple seconds but honestly my wife wouldn’t be brave enough to try and pull that kind of BS on me. I would have walked straight up and let him know I was going to break his fingers if he ever got within 5 feet of my wife again. That’s for him disrespecting me with my wife. Secondly my wife would be packing her chit and GTFO as soon as we got home. Your wife gave you the ultimate chit test and you failed miserably but honestly who cares because who in the hell needs a wife like that ? At our event my wife stayed by my side and also had me entertain and take care of her single friend…. that’s how that situation is supposed to look.

Respect: If a relationship doesn’t have it then nothing else matters…..it’s doomed for divorce or a life of misery and chit sandwiches which reminds me the sandwiches at our wedding were pretty good, so were the drinks, and lucky enough my wife’s friend was pretty cute!

Your bitterness bleeds over into all of your post here at TAM. If I were you maybe I would feel the same way but I’d hope that I wouldn’t. You should trying to find whatever makes you feel better as soon as possible because you don’t want to turn into one of those woman hater types. I bet there are still some positive things in your life…. don’t forget about those.
 

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Hi Bo,

For the record my wife is a second grade teacher and we have been to a wedding much like you described. My wife does indeed have nice relationships with some of her coworkers. I however do not view any of them as threatening in any way, perhaps because the only male teacher in her grade is a cross dresser !!!!! It sounds to me that something was probably going on at home that wasn’t happy marriage material and your wife was getting her emotional cup filled elsewhere. I’m not giving your wife a pass on her bad behavior though.

The dance with another guy: Here is where you and I are extremely different people. I wouldn’t have let that continue for more than a couple seconds but honestly my wife wouldn’t be brave enough to try and pull that kind of BS on me. I would have walked straight up and let him know I was going to break his fingers if he ever got within 5 feet of my wife again. That’s for him disrespecting me with my wife. Secondly my wife would be packing her chit and GTFO as soon as we got home. Your wife gave you the ultimate chit test and you failed miserably but honestly who cares because who in the hell needs a wife like that ? At our event my wife stayed by my side and also had me entertain and take care of her single friend…. that’s how that situation is supposed to look.

Respect: If a relationship doesn’t have it then nothing else matters…..it’s doomed for divorce or a life of misery and chit sandwiches which reminds me the sandwiches at our wedding were pretty good, so were the drinks, and lucky enough my wife’s friend was pretty cute!
My wife is a hugger. Very much a social butterfly. Hugs practically everyone she meets for more than 5 minutes (except some either she or I get a creeper vibe from).

But one wrong look, one hug just a little too long, one pat on the butt, or hands in wrong place and hell will break loose.

Slow dance with another man? Not a chance.

Her actions and my responses are what we've established as boundaries. Hard boundaries. She respects mine and I respect hers.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 · (Edited)
Hi Bo,

For the record my wife is a second grade teacher and we have been to a wedding much like you described. My wife does indeed have nice relationships with some of her coworkers. I however do not view any of them as threatening in any way, perhaps because the only male teacher in her grade is a cross dresser !!!!! It sounds to me that something was probably going on at home that wasn’t happy marriage material and your wife was getting her emotional cup filled elsewhere. I’m not giving your wife a pass on her bad behavior though.

The dance with another guy: Here is where you and I are extremely different people. I wouldn’t have let that continue for more than a couple seconds but honestly my wife wouldn’t be brave enough to try and pull that kind of BS on me. I would have walked straight up and let him know I was going to break his fingers if he ever got within 5 feet of my wife again. That’s for him disrespecting me with my wife. Secondly my wife would be packing her chit and GTFO as soon as we got home. Your wife gave you the ultimate chit test and you failed miserably but honestly who cares because who in the hell needs a wife like that ? At our event my wife stayed by my side and also had me entertain and take care of her single friend…. that’s how that situation is supposed to look.

Respect: If a relationship doesn’t have it then nothing else matters…..it’s doomed for divorce or a life of misery and chit sandwiches which reminds me the sandwiches at our wedding were pretty good, so were the drinks, and lucky enough my wife’s friend was pretty cute!

Your bitterness bleeds over into all of your post here at TAM. If I were you maybe I would feel the same way but I’d hope that I wouldn’t. You should trying to find whatever makes you feel better as soon as possible because you don’t want to turn into one of those woman hater types. I bet there are still some positive things in your life…. don’t forget about those.

Do you have anything to add on YOUR significant other’s relationships with her coworkers or did you just want to air your grievances toward me all the while trying to look and sound as hard and alpha as Chuck Norris' c-ck? If the later is the case, you could’ve just sent me a private message and hit the ignore button.

I really don't know where you get the perception that I dislike women or that I'm becoming bitter toward women just because I criticize one, my XW, though... Let me be very clear, I dislike cheating filth, in all its forms. Not women.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
My wife is a hugger. Very much a social butterfly. Hugs practically everyone she meets for more than 5 minutes (except some either she or I get a creeper vibe from).

But one wrong look, one hug just a little too long, one pat on the butt, or hands in wrong place and hell will break loose.

Slow dance with another man? Not a chance.

Her actions and my responses are what we've established as boundaries. Hard boundaries. She respects mine and I respect hers.
The initial post is not about what you think of how I acted in my case, I'm talking about YOUR experience of the relationship between YOUR wife/husband and her/his co-workers.

Needless to say, the way I acted during the wedding had more to do wanting to know the full extent of her relationship with her co-workers than anything else. I knew from the beginning that something was amiss and me going alpha on her from the beginning, at the time, would've driven her even more underground, so keeping my mouth shut and ears open was my modus operandi THAT DAY (not every day).

Again, I'm not looking for your opinion on the way I acted that day, I'm looking for your personal experience. The more situations we're able to describe to people the faster they will be able to understand what is going on in their marriage. I, for one, learned a lot from this forum and many of you during those fateful two weeks at the beginning of August. I learned in 2 weeks to 1) understand that it wasn't my fault, 2) that she was most likely cheating and 3) to pick myself up and move on. THIS is my point of reference. I hope this is the last time I have to say it because this "woman-hater" BS really takes away from the desperate people that come here for information.
 

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Bo,

My wife works at an elementary school and has for 25 years. There is only one male there. However, I have seen some of what you describe. In particular, becoming very close with co-workers and being way too emotionally involved in each other's lives.

I work as a network engineer, where there is about a 50/50 of men and women at my office. On a daily basis, I work with other engineers, who are all male. I am friends with the guys I work with, but we do not hang together outside of work and are definitely not emotionally engaged.

I had to have a talk with my wife, who started coming home and telling me about her work day. My work day talk with her would be.... I set up X VM servers and put in a firewall, etc. Her talk would be.... Jan and Betty are being *****y, Mary is having problems XYZ with her husband, Emily is having an affair with her neighbor Bob.

I pointed out to her that I thought it was bizarre to get this invested in other people's lives. I got a bit angry and told her I am not interested in real life soap operas. I think, and this is just my opinion, women in general just love drama....be it on TV, in real life or in books.
 

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My wife is a hugger. Very much a social butterfly. Hugs practically everyone she meets for more than 5 minutes (except some either she or I get a creeper vibe from).

But one wrong look, one hug just a little too long, one pat on the butt, or hands in wrong place and hell will break loose.

Slow dance with another man? Not a chance.

Her actions and my responses are what we've established as boundaries. Hard boundaries. She respects mine and I respect hers.
Too exhausting for me. I have decent capabilities in Street fighting. Just not willing to utilize them to police a spouse engaged in voluntary disrespect.
As you said, who needs a wife like that.
As to the original post, it was very common for my XW to start fights over nothing. Also, once she started cheating, our kids and me were relegated to very low priority. I just got the hell out.
 

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Do you have anything to add on YOUR significant other’s relationships with her coworkers or did you just want to air your grievances toward me all the while trying to look and sound as hard and alpha as Chuck Norris' c-ck? If the later is the case, you could’ve just sent me a private message and hit the ignore button.

I really don't know where you get the perception that I dislike women or that I'm becoming bitter toward women just because I criticize one, my XW, though... Let me be very clear, I dislike cheating filth, in all its forms. Not women.
Yes I did indicate that the relationship of MY wife with some of her coworkers is very close in my post. The difference between them is you are viewing them as a negative based on how your wife unfairly treated you and I believe the situation at work with my wife is a good thing. I mentioned the marriage life at home because that is likely the catalyst for what is happening with your wife at work unless she is just basically a piece of cheating trash which is also possible.

Understandable about cheating filth but what I said is “don’t want to turn into”
 

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The initial post is not about what you think of how I acted in my case, I'm talking about YOUR experience of the relationship between YOUR wife/husband and her/his co-workers.

Needless to say, the way I acted during the wedding had more to do wanting to know the full extent of her relationship with her co-workers than anything else. I knew from the beginning that something was amiss and me going alpha on her from the beginning, at the time, would've driven her even more underground, so keeping my mouth shut and ears open was my modus operandi THAT DAY (not every day).

Again, I'm not looking for your opinion on the way I acted that day, I'm looking for your personal experience. The more situations we're able to describe to people the faster they will be able to understand what is going on in their marriage. I, for one, learned a lot from this forum and many of you during those fateful two weeks at the beginning of August. I learned in 2 weeks to 1) understand that it wasn't my fault, 2) that she was most likely cheating and 3) to pick myself up and move on. THIS is my point of reference. I hope this is the last time I have to say it because this "woman-hater" BS really takes away from the desperate people that come here for information.
Gotta agree with you. It would have ben foolish to tip your hand. And, without proof, you would have been cast as some jealous ahole.
Never understood the philosophy of fighting other guys over someone who is supposed to be committed to you. Smacks of insecurity and just feeds a cheater's already inflated ego.
As to whether the marriage was in some way lacking, as alleged - Duh. You were married to a person of low integrity, low, if any, empathy, and a host of character defects ( especially selfishness). Ya think someone like that was a decent marriage partner? Of course she was the cause of anything lacking and these bottomless pits of " needs " can never be satisfied.
 

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Yes I did indicate that the relationship of MY wife with some of her coworkers is very close in my post. The difference between them is you are viewing them as a negative based on how your wife unfairly treated you and I believe the situation at work with my wife is a good thing. I mentioned the marriage life at home because that is likely the catalyst for what is happening with your wife at work unless she is just basically a piece of cheating trash which is also possible.

Understandable about cheating filth but what I said is “don’t want to turn into”
I believe his wife cheated. By definition, she is a " piece of cheating trash". If she had dissatisfaction in the marriage, there were myriad honorable options to address this.
Many people go through difficult times in their marriages, experience dissatisfaction. Takes a special,kind of ahole to cheat.
As I mentioned, a person equipped with the types of character defects needed for cheating, is, almost invariably, causing a host of pre- cheating problems in many areas. These folks do not confine their lack of integrity, empathy, communication skill, lack of commitment to just the sexual fidelity realm. If you look at other areas of their lives, the crap they have pulled is, often, amazing.
 

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This whole dissatisfaction with the marriage rationale justifying cheating is very entrenched. It reminds me of how some folks acted when my son was born with Down Syndrome. Because they were afraid that something random like this could happen to them, some people had to convince themselves that something other than randomness caused it. They felt that as long as there was some explanation that included some deficiency on the parents part, they were safe, as they were not deficient.
The need to explain cheating in a similar manner strikes me as pretty much the same thing. It makes people feel safe.
Sometimes you can be a good( not perfect) spouse and your partner still cheats. Sometimes you just did not pick up on the character flaws in your spouse until,after marriage ( and disordered folks are quite adept at wearing a mask)
IMO, if you are in a marriage where your spouse has to feel that you would physically assault someone she hits on to deter her, that is sad
 

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Again, I'm not looking for your opinion on the way I acted that day, I'm looking for your personal experience. The more situations we're able to describe to people the faster they will be able to understand what is going on in their marriage.
And I never gave my opinion about your actions.

My opinion for other readers of TAM... don't let things get so bad in your relationship. Have good boundaries and consequences, while also not being demanding or controlling for no reason. When boundaries are broken, act on them.

You can wait it out to see how things turn out, but if she or he is disrespecting boundaries then we all know where it will end up. Many posters here on TAM will tell what will happen you if you don't know.


My experience with my current wife are great.

But when I was a man-child with a crappy understanding for relationships and girls that should NOT become wives... then my story was much different.

Flexible boundaries, she danced with others, I got drunk while she partied with my buddies, etc. All the usual crap similar to your story Bo.
I also waited and watched... I won't ever do that again.

She was for the streets and eventually after rugsweeping and some false R's, that's where she went.

TAM didn't exist in those days so I had only my wits to help me...which were crap as I said.
 

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And I never gave my opinion about your actions.

My opinion for other readers of TAM... don't let things get so bad in your relationship. Have good boundaries and consequences, while also not being demanding or controlling for no reason. When boundaries are broken, act on them.

You can wait it out to see how things turn out, but if she or he is disrespecting boundaries then we all know where it will end up. Many posters here on TAM will tell what will happen you if you don't know.


My experience with my current wife are great.

But when I was a man-child with a crappy understanding for relationships and girls that should NOT become wives... then my story was much different.

Flexible boundaries, she danced with others, I got drunk while she partied with my buddies, etc. All the usual crap similar to your story Bo.
I also waited and watched... I won't ever do that again.

She was for the streets and eventually after rugsweeping and some false R's, that's where she went.

TAM didn't exist in those days so I had only my wits to help me...which were crap as I said.
Just my opinion, but the abiding by boundaries etc has to be entirely volitional and not contingent on wanting to avoid consequences. Otherwise, what do you really have in terms of loyalty and devotion? What types of behaviors will this person engage in when there is little to no chance of detection.
This is why if one really wants to know the true nature of a partner's loyalty, interceding early on is not helpful. All you have established is that your partner will refrain when consequences are forthcoming, not out of devotion to you.
 

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Just my opinion, but the abiding by boundaries etc has to be entirely volitional and not contingent on wanting to avoid consequences. Otherwise, what do you really have in terms of loyalty and devotion? What types of behaviors will this person engage in when there is little to no chance of detection.
This is why if one really wants to know the true nature of a partner's loyalty, interceding early on is not helpful. All you have established is that your partner will refrain when consequences are forthcoming, not out of devotion to you.
100% agree. If you have to enforce the boundaries or keep reminding them..then it's not working.
My wife has boundaries and if I have to think or keep reminding myself about not violating ... them then there's a problem.

But once the boundary is crossed by me (in this example) she would be foolish to wait around and see what happens next. In my eyes, the boundary is more of a 'suggestion' and doesn't really mean anything serious.
 

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100% agree. If you have to enforce the boundaries or keep reminding them..then it's not working.
My wife has boundaries and if I have to think or keep reminding myself about not violating ... them then there's a problem.

But once the boundary is crossed by me (in this example) she would be foolish to wait around and see what happens next. In my eyes, the boundary is more of a 'suggestion' and doesn't really mean anything serious.
I think it depends on the boundary and the extent to which it is crossed. If my wife , for example, kissed some dude, I would not bother to intercede. It is just too clear of an indication that I could never trust her again.
I am trying to think of a more innocuous violation, like maybe being late and keeping me waiting while she conversed with an old boyfriend. I doubt I would jettison her for that and would inform her that Imwoild tolerate no further occurrences.
As far as ever physically harming someone for threatening to break someone's fingers because my wife willingly slow danced with him, no, I would never do that. It demonstrates one's acknowledgement that the wife's loyalty is dependent on my willingness to hurt someone and my capabilities in that regard. What if the guy could obviously kick my ass? Have I gained anything other than an embarrassing ass whipping and physical injury. Same if I win. What prize have I won, a wife who needs to be guarded to remain loyal? No, thanks.
 

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100% agree. If you have to enforce the boundaries or keep reminding them..then it's not working.
My wife has boundaries and if I have to think or keep reminding myself about not violating ... them then there's a problem.

But once the boundary is crossed by me (in this example) she would be foolish to wait around and see what happens next. In my eyes, the boundary is more of a 'suggestion' and doesn't really mean anything serious.
For me, I have established my personal boundaries for work and in social organizations that I belong to. These are to (1) Prioritize my marriage as my most important relationship (2) Not become involved in other people's personal relationships and (3) Avoid even the perception or temptation when dealing with women.

I have been accused of being old fashioned and misogynist, but I really do not care what others think. When you are in close proximity for hours every day at work, the reality is that boundaries become easy to cross, unless you are conscious to keep perspective. I have a couple of women from work that are friends, but I make a conscious effort to not speak privately or be alone with them. Outside of work, we only interact as couples with our spouses, like bowling, mini-golf or BBQs. Likewise, the two women at work that are friends are married, I am friends with their husband's and my wife is a friend to them too. More importantly, we share the same moral beliefs. For us, we don't drink, go clubbing and are family focused. Our interactions outside of work is few and far between. This is usually 4th of July, Christmas, etc.

I have read the book, "Not Just Friends" and there is a lot of truth in it. I have always had the "White Knight" aspect to me, and have had to learn when it is appropriate to help someone and when not to.
 

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if you are in a marriage where your spouse has to feel that you would physically assault someone she hits on to deter her, that is sad
You have completely missed the point. The firmness with the other man has nothing to do with wife deterring. It has everything to do with a man grabbing my wife’s ass right in front of me. Based on what the OP said the wife would already be pretty much scratched off my list already. I’m not a violent dude but that interaction needed t be handled up front.
 

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Happy Thanksgiving Day everyone!

It's no secret that the workplace tends to be a hotbed of adultery. I think, one of the things that always catches people by surprise is seeing your SO's intense and deep emotional connections, most often unbeknown to us, in the form of affectionate body language, tongue-in-cheek behaviors and even lunch/coffee/dinner dates that are, again, most often kept from the SO, for obvious reasons.

I remember the first time I saw this in full display with my XW: we went to a wedding where two teachers were getting married (they ended up cheating on each other and divorcing-LOL). 95% of all invitees were school personnel, which I found odd but it is what it is. To say it was an odd day for me is an understatement: When we first walked into the hall, my XW started introducing me to people, which I was fine about but... eventually I saw her jumping from group to group of invitees, exchanging hugs and kisses with women and men I had never met. As the evening progressed, I started noticing my XW was really trying hard to ignore me (I did not know anyone there, she knew everyone,) going as far as dancing slow tunes with other dudes, only to come back to our table and say something really f-cked up to me like "you're getting drunk." One of the dudes she was dancing with... let's just say there were too many eye exchanges and one slap in the butt too many for me to feel like her relationships with the people at work were merely superficial, which was the story she was selling me all along by the way. It got so bad that I got drunk and turned my body toward the band and my back to everyone else at the table. At one point, my XW sensed what was happening and we decided to leave. To say that we fought in the car is an understatement.

To make a long story short, what happened that night got printed in my reptilian brain. It wasn't the type of experience that you go through and flush out within days. No, I STILL remember it vividly. Too many (f-cked up) things happened that night that I wasn't aware of... kind of like when I found out Santa was really my parents... like a loss of innocence type of thing. What I learned from that night was that 1) my XW was making insanely deep emotional connections with coworkers (male, female, married, single, young and old), 2) that she was keeping how deep these relationships were a secret, 3) that she was intentionally creating really intimate moments/situations with some of these co workers (again, keeping them secret) and that 4) at one point or another, her emotional and romantic b-base slowly pivoted from the marriage to the school ecosystem. The way this change manifested itself was in the way she behaved: she would ALWAYS try to make up from any fights right before she was about to leave for work and then, as soon as she came home, she would unleash hell because of the smallest things imaginable.

What is your experience?
I think affairs have a progression and most of them start as an emotional affair. It’s also what makes the illicit relationship so strong and enduring and I believe causes the cheater to absolutely lose their mind in the high when the physical boundaries get crossed. It’s the one two punch of love drunk and physical connection. Murders marriages every single day.

Sharing intimacy and hiding it is simply the first of many steps in an affair. And you are correct, the workplace is a huge one. The gym. And anywhere where people are in close and repetitive contact.

I do think many people do not intend on having an affair from the get go. They may find themselves sliding into it with each crossed boundary they take. But this is also the hunting ground of many people who DO intend on having affairs and there are many.
 

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The single situation was with me rather than my wife.

I don't usually get involved with co workers' personal lives and just relate on a friend to friend basis. Probably good that I still haven't gotten over my inhibitions against flirting or initiating.

However, at about the 7 year mark in our marriage I was not feeling loved and commiserated with a female co worker in that she was going through the same thing. Her husband had diabetes, was always in pain, stayed up late while she slept alone.

We worked in support of the prototype XEROX workstations, networks, servers and engineers' b***erdized versions of the same, spending much time together in the server room maintaining gear and had plenty of time to talk. Then our employer flew us both up to the Palo Alto Research Center for training on a prototype fiber Ethernet for a few days.

I had the sense of sexual tension between us, but I had no intention of acting on it. Then something happened where most men would step in and initiate. I did not and she said, "Thank you," which I took to mean she probably felt the sexual tension as well and was glad neither of us had taken it anywhere.

After knowing what it is like to be nerdy wallflower in my virgin days, I now do circulate at parties or gatherings, making sure everyone has a chance to be part of the activity, trying to make them feel valued and comfortable with joining in. NO touching, though.
 

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You have completely missed the point. The firmness with the other man has nothing to do with wife deterring. It has everything to do with a man grabbing my wife’s ass right in front of me. Based on what the OP said the wife would already be pretty much scratched off my list already. I’m not a violent dude but that interaction needed t be handled up front.
Exactly. Any man stupid enough to knowingly trespass my territory is going to have a very unpleasant experience regardless of how my wife was behaving.

Dealing with the wife is a separate issue.
 
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