Its time to believe what he is showing you about himself, don't believe the imaginary version you had built of him in your head. Sorry this is happening, but it will it only get worse if you accept such behavior. It is time to cut your losses and stop wasting any more time on him.
Signal private messenger usage - red flag? Update: YES, it is!
Update on page 2.
I need some input. Just figured out that my husband of 10 years uses the app Signal private messenger. I was able to see the time stamps when he is using that app and this included times such as 2:22AM , during night time and during the day.
It has been downloaded on April 28th and it's in regular use since then. As of right now there is no way I can confront him because he belongs to these people who blame "pop-up ads" for literally everything.
Any experience with this app? Any advice for me?
Thank you.
I need some input. Just figured out that my husband of 10 years uses the app Signal private messenger. I was able to see the time stamps when he is using that app and this included times such as 2:22AM , during night time and during the day.
It has been downloaded on April 28th and it's in regular use since then. As of right now there is no way I can confront him because he belongs to these people who blame "pop-up ads" for literally everything.
Any experience with this app? Any advice for me?
Thank you.
101 - 120 of 164 Posts
@Mahon ,He did agree on that when it comes to the exchanges with the ex-fiance. With the co-worker, not so much. He asked if he "never should talk to anyone at work"? (He goes from one extreme to the other). That he was "just helping her". I did ask him, why you never told me about her? He usually mentions everyone he is interacting with. This one..never! I found her social media profiles and I understood. He knew exactly why he never told me about her. And this part hurts. I am not a crazy psycho who is jealous of every female that he interacts with. I am interacting with males as well, but I keep it short, none personal and it's all about business, and most importantly...it's transparent to my husband. He knows them all and no messages are deleted. I understand that temptations are out there, but it's on us how to respond and what to allow. Why did they even exchange numbers to begin with? Why did he sent her a picture of his cologne that he bought himself?
I asked him my why questions because I really want to know. I want him to be honest because I don't buy his "I am sorry and I was careless".
I want to ask you a question. You have asked him "Why?" "Why didn't you care?" "Why didn't you care then (when it happened)?" "Why did you only care when you were caught?" Right? You want to honestly know, and yet I bet you MONEY there is no answer under the sun where he could say, "It's because of XYZ" that you'd say "Oh good point. Yeah that is a good reason." He can't tell you "why" because there is no good answer to that question.
I think what you are asking for is for him to do some healthy introspection--meaning looking inward--whereas the question "why" frames life as if something happened to him that CAUSED him to do it or choose it...as if it were an external cause. Asking why can suggest that control of him is external and suggest that he's helplessness (he couldn't help it...which is B.S.!).
So instead of asking "Why" as in "Why didn't you care?" ask a series of questions that start with WHAT like these:
“What was stopping you from shutting down the flirting?”
“What is it about your character or self-esteem that contributed to your choice to flirt with other women?”
“What’s a plan that you would willingly stick with to repair your character or self-esteem?”
“What’s getting in the way of finding out why you did this...twice?”
“What small changes are you willing to make to repair the damage done to our marriage by your actions?”
You can also ask HOW questions to get actionable items like these:
"How can we make our marriage a priority?"
"How can you make better choices and protect me from your own weaknesses?"
"How can I protect you from my weaknesses?"
There was an episode in Star Trek Voyager when a powerful alien entity took over the minds of the crew members making them have hallucinations that would have likely proved fatal.
When Captain Janeway challenges the entity and asks him why he would do such cruel things to people who meant him no harm, his response was: "Because I can!"
And that is why people like @Mahon's husband does what he does. Because he can.
When Captain Janeway challenges the entity and asks him why he would do such cruel things to people who meant him no harm, his response was: "Because I can!"
And that is why people like @Mahon's husband does what he does. Because he can.
Yes, this exactly. That's what I was trying to say! And then a difficult silence follows.You have asked him "Why?" "Why didn't you care?" "Why didn't you care then (when it happened)?" "Why did you only care when you were caught?" Right? You want to honestly know, and yet I bet you MONEY there is no answer under the sun where he could say, "It's because of XYZ" that you'd say "Oh good point. Yeah that is a good reason." He can't tell you "why" because there is no good answer to that question.
OP, his plan is to wait you out, he doesn't think you will move forward with divorce or any real consequences...Even though I understand the logical consequences, I am feeling very sad. He doesn't even seek conversation with me. It's like he only wants to deal with me at the counseling. He comes home and goes straight into his bedroom.
It also seems he logged out of his Google account. I am coming to the conclusion he is playing games. This is very disappointing and somehow unexpected too. I have a hard time to process this.
Honestly, it's not a bad plan - it works for many waywards who just want their "mistake" to go away -- they don't really admit to anything, or do anything to help their BS, and the BS eventually just gives up. I hope you don't fall for that. Hang in there.
He knows I am economically not able to divorce and move to a safe place with the kids. We are separated in the house. It's big enough to avoid each other. How do I find a way that this will not bother me? How can I make the best out of this situation? I feel confused and paralized if this makes sense.OP, his plan is to wait you out, he doesn't think you will move forward with divorce or any real consequences...
Honestly, it's not a bad plan - it works for many waywards who just want their "mistake" to go away -- they don't really admit to anything, or do anything to help their BS, and the BS eventually just gives up. I hope you don't fall for that. Hang in there.
I'm sorry that I don't remember and can't go back and read all your posts right now, but have you met with a divorce attorney yet? You might find that this just isn't true. In most states, for a period of time anyway they will take both incomes, divide by 2 and award spousal support to the lower earner. Same with child support, based on a formula. If you own your home, you can sell it and get half of any equity...He knows I am economically not able to divorce and move to a safe place with the kids. We are separated in the house. It's big enough to avoid each other. How do I find a way that this will not bother me? How can I make the best out of this situation? I feel confused and paralized if this makes sense.
You really need to seek legal council. It can't hurt to see where the cards lye .
You can't change his behavior. But you can change yours .
Many attorneys have at least a free consultation.
It might just kick him in the azz , to see that your serious
You can't change his behavior. But you can change yours .
Many attorneys have at least a free consultation.
It might just kick him in the azz , to see that your serious
This is incorrect, you can divorce.He knows I am economically not able to divorce and move to a safe place with the kids.
Bad idea.... terrible role modeling for the kids. So they are going to grow up thinking this is normal?We are separated in the house. It's big enough to avoid each other
You don't find a way that this doesn't bother you. It bothers you because it should. This is a glimmer of you having a backbone. Making the best of the situation means divorcing him. You are "paralized" because you are scared.... everyone understands that fear.... but you have to push forward through it before it gets better.How do I find a way that this will not bother me? How can I make the best out of this situation? I feel confused and paralized if this makes sense.
When it is done and you've moved on and proven your strength, you'll feel liked you climbed a mountain, and the freedom of being away from him and the confidence of climbing that will be liberating.
Our children are horrified that we may divorce and move out. They do not want all this at all. Is not about me.This is incorrect, you can divorce.
Bad idea.... terrible role modeling for the kids. So they are going to grow up thinking this is normal?
You don't find a way that this doesn't bother you. It bothers you because it should. This is a glimmer of you having a backbone. Making the best of the situation means divorcing him. You are "paralized" because you are scared.... everyone understands that fear.... but you have to push forward through it before it gets better.
When it is done and you've moved on and proven your strength, you'll feel liked you climbed a mountain, and the freedom of being away from him and the confidence of climbing that will be liberating.
Your so wrong on this statement! First and foremost...IT IS ABOUT YOU! Its all about you and him. Sadly our children will be collateral damage in a divorce. Regardless of what they want, you must do what is right by you. You cannot function as a person much less a good mother if you are destroyed and paralyzed with fear and resentment and anger. It will, and does spill over onto the children. They will learn to accept and understand the change. They are not adults and have no conception of adult relationships. In time they will. Set them up with counseling as well. Take care of you first and the children will benefit greatly as well with you.Our children are horrified that we may divorce and move out. They do not want all this at all. Is not about me.
How old are they? Children never want their parents to divorce but they also know when things aren’t right. I stayed in a dysfunctional marriage for decades because I couldn’t face divorce (and because I wanted my child to grow up in an intact family). I don’t recommend doing what I did. Your children are unlikely to tell you to get out no matter what age they are so even if you stay until they’re young adults they will still fight it.
What you got was hollow words that don't match up to his actions and action is what matters. His words mean nothing because he has already proven he is deceitful and a liar.Even though I understand the logical consequences, I am feeling very sad. He doesn't even seek conversation with me. It's like he only wants to deal with me at the counseling. He comes home and goes straight into his bedroom.
It also seems he logged out of his Google account. I am coming to the conclusion he is playing games. This is very disappointing and somehow unexpected too. I have a hard time to process this.
Don't worry about the answer, if he ever actually gives one, to 'why' because it will just be more blowing smoke up your ass. the true answer to why is he is selfish and it was all about him. That's always the real answer to that, but cheaters never say it.
We have another MC meeting tonight. He arranged the appointment. I had my own therapy with a different provider yesterday. The therapist (a doctor) suggested I will participate the MC. SO here I go.
My husband asked me at the last session "what do you want?" , "I do whatever you ask for".
The response on my behalf was "You knew exactly what I wanted but you didn't care".
I know I will get the same question asked today. Somebody wrote some what-questions in their response, I wrote these down on my notes and bring with me. Any other suggestions?
My husband asked me at the last session "what do you want?" , "I do whatever you ask for".
The response on my behalf was "You knew exactly what I wanted but you didn't care".
I know I will get the same question asked today. Somebody wrote some what-questions in their response, I wrote these down on my notes and bring with me. Any other suggestions?
To him: Would he accept you having secret relationships with other men?
To the MC:
Is it a good idea to stay in a relationship with a spouse that cheats and lies about it?
Does he/she think that your husband is showing remorse for his actions?
What should your husband be doing right now?
Is it healthy / good role modeling to stay together for kids as house mates that don't like each other and live separately?
To the MC:
Is it a good idea to stay in a relationship with a spouse that cheats and lies about it?
Does he/she think that your husband is showing remorse for his actions?
What should your husband be doing right now?
Is it healthy / good role modeling to stay together for kids as house mates that don't like each other and live separately?
So next time, try to answer that question.My husband asked me at the last session "what do you want?" , "I do whatever you ask for".
The response on my behalf was "You knew exactly what I wanted but you didn't care".
I know I will get the same question asked today.
Speaking for myself, I think it's counter-productive in MC sessions for the MC to allow the couple to ask each other questions. The MC should be asking the questions. But that's just me.
This exchange is an example of why. It's the wrong question, and the wrong answer.
M: "what do you want?"
W: "you didn't care".
I was thinking about it last night. Which efforts on his behalf would keep me around?So next time, try to answer that question.
Speaking for myself, I think it's counter-productive in MC sessions for the MC to allow the couple to ask each other questions. The MC should be asking the questions. But that's just me.
This exchange is an example of why. It's the wrong question, and the wrong answer.
1) Retrieving the signal messages (he may has to request it with our provider)
2) IC with a specialist
3) polygraph
4) Introduction to his co-worker
5) 110% transparency
I am asking too much? Will I look like a controlling psycho? You know, they twist everything..
Noted. Thank you.To him: Would he accept you having secret relationships with other men?
To the MC:
Is it a good idea to stay in a relationship with a spouse that cheats and lies about it?
Does he/she think that your husband is showing remorse for his actions?
What should your husband be doing right now?
Is it healthy / good role modeling to stay together for kids as house mates that don't like each other and live separately?
That is a good list for going forward, but I think a major piece is his full acknowledgement that what he did was wrong and seriously hurt you. It seems like he is just going the through the motions and trying to wait you out, because he thinks no matter what, you won't leave him... and when the heat cools, he will get back at it, but he learned his lessons about making sure he covers his tracks.I was thinking about it last night. Which efforts on his behalf would keep me around?
1) Retrieving the signal messages (he may has to request it with our provider)
2) IC with a specialist
3) polygraph
4) Introduction to his co-worker
5) 110% transparency
I am asking too much? Will I look like a controlling psycho? You know, they twist everything..
I aware of your point that he will cover his tracks better. Next, is probably a burner phone.That is a good list for going forward, but I think a major piece is his full acknowledgement that what he did was wrong and seriously hurt you. It seems like he is just going the through the motions and trying to wait you out, because he thinks no matter what, you won't leave him... and when the heat cools, he will get back at it, but he learned his lessons about making sure he covers his tracks.
101 - 120 of 164 Posts
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