He did agree on that when it comes to the exchanges with the ex-fiance. With the co-worker, not so much. He asked if he "never should talk to anyone at work"? (He goes from one extreme to the other). That he was "just helping her". I did ask him, why you never told me about her? He usually mentions everyone he is interacting with. This one..never! I found her social media profiles and I understood. He knew exactly why he never told me about her. And this part hurts. I am not a crazy psycho who is jealous of every female that he interacts with. I am interacting with males as well, but I keep it short, none personal and it's all about business, and most importantly...it's transparent to my husband. He knows them all and no messages are deleted. I understand that temptations are out there, but it's on us how to respond and what to allow. Why did they even exchange numbers to begin with? Why did he sent her a picture of his cologne that he bought himself?
I asked him my why questions because I really want to know. I want him to be honest because I don't buy his "I am sorry and I was careless".
I want to ask you a question. You have asked him "Why?" "Why didn't you care?" "Why didn't you care then (when it happened)?" "Why did you only care when you were caught?" Right? You want to honestly know, and yet I bet you MONEY there is no answer under the sun where he could say, "It's because of XYZ" that you'd say "Oh good point. Yeah that is a good reason." He can't tell you "why" because there is no good answer to that question.
I think what you are asking for is for him to do some healthy introspection--meaning looking inward--whereas the question "why" frames life as if something happened to him that CAUSED him to do it or choose it...as if it were an external cause. Asking why can suggest that control of him is external and suggest that he's helplessness (he couldn't help it...which is B.S.!).
So instead of asking "Why" as in "Why didn't you care?" ask a series of questions that start with WHAT like these:
“What was stopping you from shutting down the flirting?”
“What is it about your character or self-esteem that contributed to your choice to flirt with other women?”
“What’s a plan that you would willingly stick with to repair your character or self-esteem?”
“What’s getting in the way of finding out why you did this...twice?”
“What small changes are you willing to make to repair the damage done to our marriage by your actions?”
You can also ask HOW questions to get actionable items like these:
"How can we make our marriage a priority?"
"How can you make better choices and protect me from your own weaknesses?"
"How can I protect you from my weaknesses?"