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Hello and thank you for reading this. I think some advice might help me. Me and my wife have a troubled relationship. In the past 10 months or so some things have gotten better. I think my being more direct with her has spurred some changes however sex is come and go. Mostly go. We have been pretty dry for a long time and i basicly started tring to make her happy and just hoping things would change. Recently, I brought it up to her and was very direct about it.

During that conversation she stated that she feels pressure and that is the problem. I asked her what makes her feel that way and she couldn't answer. I will admit earlier in our relationship I was selfish but that was years ago. If anything i have become meek. Well the result of the conversation was that i got her to agree that if she feels uncomfortable she should say so in the moment and we would deal with it.

Anyway, that weekend we hung out and Friday night we stayed up late and had some pretty serious conversations about other things. There was some tension but i thought it went really well and we had fun staying up together. The next day i wanted her to know i wasn't mad about the things we talked about from the past and was happy with the way things went and thought that we could share a moment. It seemed right. Well she turned me down.

Two days later she brought up our how she was supposed to tell me if she was made uncomfortable. She said that all weekend she felt uncomfortable and that it was in the "air" between us when we were in bed all weekend. That this thing in the air is what made it uncomfortable when i made a move

I misunderstood her and thought she meant all weekend. She said 'no' all weekend when we were in the bedroom. The thing is i went to bed after her every night that weekend. I also woke up before her every day. We were in the bedroom when i tried to start something up but that was the only time. The rest of the time we were in bed together at least one of us was sleeping.

I feel my wife does this all the time. She feels a certain way and then constructs reality to fit it. It makes her very difficult to talk to and is why i told her she has to tell me in the moment.

Well things have been pretty cool between us since. Now something is in the air and i dont know what to do. Thanks for listening
 

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Tell her you feel things are not good, and you're not sure what the problem is unless she talks to you and opens up. Then tell her you would like to try MC. Hard to say whats going on, but if she feels you're "sick of her **** then she is less likely to open up anyway. If anything she may do the opposite.
 
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Tell her you feel things are not good, and you're not sure what the problem is unless she talks to you and opens up. Then tell her you would like to try MC. Hard to say whats going on, but if she feels you're "sick of her **** then she is less likely to open up anyway. If anything she may do the opposite.
This. Criticism is hard to take....try it from a calm positive place.

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Discussion Starter #4
thanks

Tell her you feel things are not good, and you're not sure what the problem is unless she talks to you and opens up. Then tell her you would like to try MC. Hard to say whats going on, but if she feels you're "sick of her **** then she is less likely to open up anyway. If anything she may do the opposite.
Its been a long road and i guess even though i some things have gotten better i have lost patience. I was very very patient and giving for a long time and feel like i got taken advantage of.
 

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Re: thanks

Its been a long road and i guess even though i some things have gotten better i have lost patience. I was very very patient and giving for a long time and feel like i got taken advantage of.
I understand that, and I'm sure you're frustrated. However if you come off to her as angry and bitter, she is less likely to open up. I'm not saying you don't have a right to feel the way you do, but sometimes you gotta try a different approach to get results. I'm not saying for sure you will get any results either, but might be worth a shot.

You could suggest MC, if you she wont go, then tell her you think you will seek out IC for yourself because you no longer know what to do about the marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
how?

This. Criticism is hard to take....try it from a calm positive place.

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Thats the thing. I did for so long and never got through on anything. I wound up being a door matt.

I don't she is making it up either. She does have a personality disorder and i think once she feel a certain way about something stressful she will bend everything to fit the view.
 

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Re: how?

Thats the thing. I did for so long and never got through on anything. I wound up being a door matt.

I don't she is making it up either. She does have a personality disorder and i think once she feel a certain way about something stressful she will bend everything to fit the view.
Shes been diagnosed by a doctor with a personality disorder? What does he have? Is she on meds?
Medications could effect libido too.
 

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Re: how?

Shes been diagnosed by a doctor with a personality disorder? What does he have? Is she on meds?
Medications could effect libido too.

She's had multiple diagnosis. The current one she favors is Bipolar 2. It does make sense but i've started to see these disorders as on interconnecting spectrums. Anyway, yes she is on meds and has couseling. I believe that they probably do effect her libido.


We do have an agreement though that she is not to be held to a different standard. I will accept any fall and lend a hand anytime and anywhere for however long it takes but i she is not allowed to say well im crazy so i deserve to be inconsiderate, selfish, malnipulative etc

Sometimes i don't know whats real and whats not
 

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Frankly, reading your post I think you are already on the right path. You are communicating, and that's good. She seems open to the communication, but from what I gather, it's not been going on for an extended period of time, so you need to let it work.

Keep talking and discussing, and I'd suggest also doing some MC and IC. Additionally, suggest some reading material, such as His Needs, Her Needs. It's a good read and isn't just about sex, but about the entire relationship, from both sides. It's not a perfect book, but it covers a lot of topics and helps you to see things from the other side. I'd suggest you read this book as well, and other that you think might be helpful, both sexually and otherwise.
 

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Have to hold her fully accountable for damaging the marriage...

my wife and I separated for a whopping two minutes.... I have had talks with her and the latest one I was at the end of my rope with her inaction. Same old excuses its like nothing changed over two years!

So I forced her to commit to a few truths and wouldn't let her wiggle out of the conversion. When she seemed to push back I got fed up and said were separating... I cannot take this . I laid out details of what separation would look like. Details!

"You need to get your freaking head out of the sand and do something about your marriage that is falling apart under your feet!"

My wife said what do you mean I'm not meeting your needs? I do THIS THIS THIS THIS.

Looked her straight in the eye and said 'You flat out aren't meeting my needs of you because YOU refuse TO MEET MY #1 NEED OF YOU AND THEREFORE YOU ARE NOT MEETING MY NEEDS OF YOU AS MY WIFE IN OUR MARRIAGE!"

I said "Why don't you tell me you #1 need of me so I can withhold it because I don't feel that day,week month , year and want to like providing it to you?"


Cooler heads prevailed and she finally FULLY admitted...

There is an issue
The issue needs resolved
The issue needs resolved in an expidited fashion.
The issue is damaging every member of our family.


I made her choose a Marriage path or Divorce.

She chose marriage a NEW marriage not the old one... part of the conditions were for her to DROP any and all resentment.

We are now doing much better and on the same PATH.

It takes sometimes taking it to the brink to affect change!
Don't be afraid of your wife and NEVER give up on expecting your needs filled in your marriage.

My wife and I have a checkpoint we agreed to in January.

This is between and you and your wife! No MC needed.

Ask yourself... "What will YOU accept?"

good Luck!
 

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Re: how?

We do have an agreement though that she is not to be held to a different standard. I will accept any fall and lend a hand anytime and anywhere for however long it takes but i she is not allowed to say well im crazy so i deserve to be inconsiderate, selfish, malnipulative etc
Can you approach the issue from this perspective? What would happen if you said "we have agreed that in this marriage we are both accountable for our actions. You are falling back into that 'me first' mindset and we need to find a way to get us back on track"?
 

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I misunderstood her and thought she meant all weekend. She said 'no' all weekend when we were in the bedroom. The thing is i went to bed after her every night that weekend. I also woke up before her every day. We were in the bedroom when i tried to start something up but that was the only time. The rest of the time we were in bed together at least one of us was sleeping.
May I ask why you went to bed after her each night, and why you got up early?

If she's sensitive, she could interpret that as you not wanting to be in bed with her, and that's what she could mean about something in the air.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
May I ask why you went to bed after her each night, and why you got up early?

If she's sensitive, she could interpret that as you not wanting to be in bed with her, and that's what she could mean about something in the air.

I always wake eariler. We often go to bed together but Friday i just felt like finishing a show and Sat i guess i probably was a little annoyed with her and decided to let her pass out before going to bed. Since she sleeps a lot more then me in general i dont think she would have noticed but thanks
 

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Well we faught about it. That seems to be the only way to actually get things out these days. She says that i was all up on her in the bed. I don't recall that. I mean were likely were awake toether for a little bit and I likely did hold her or play footsy, maybe even got excited while doing so (IDK its been awhile) but i didn't try to initiate anything and i wasn't all up on her.

IDK. It also seems the reaction she is feeling is closely tied to the bedroom. I mentioned other similiar things we both do playfully and without sex outside the bedroom and she just said that different. I asked how. She said thats different.

Its hard to know the when and what of her comfort at this point. I don't really know how to figure it out and just tring to comfort didn't work.

I also don't know how we can start having conversations that result in something without any fighting. Its exhausting.
 
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